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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

It upsets me to hear what a nice time he's having

17 replies

Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 11:11

DP is away visiting his 9 year old DD. BM is there also, they meet halfway and stay in hotels. If anyone has read any of my posts, I'm not allowed anywhere near their DD, DP blames mother and says she poisons her DD against me. My name can't even be mentioned in conversation.

He went on Valentines day, which really upset me. Then last night he phoned me and he tells me what they've been doing, and what a nice time they're having. He even said 'it made up for Valentines day'. That hurt.

He says I should be pleased for him that he is getting to see his DD. Of course I am, but I feel like I'm getting my nose rubbed in it. I don't want to hear about what a wonderful time they're having, while I'm binned off and not allowed to be part of any of it.

I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't split him and his ex up, they were already parted when we got together, but his ex hates my guts. I met DD once, with mothers permission last year, and mother freaked out and has forbidden any more visits.

I want to tell him that I don't want to hear about his DD any more. He can't include me when he feels like it but then tell me his DD is nothing to do with me.

I sent some really harsh texts to him last night but I feel so left out, it hurts so much. Good for him that he's having a lovely time, but I'm left here at Christmas, Valentines day and also Easter this year... I don't want to hear what a wonderful time they're all having. Is that wrong?

OP posts:

fransrosesarered · 16/02/2007 22:13

i don't think so but i do think it's a bit remiss of him to miss special days with you and not involve you with anything. sorry got to dash

alipiggie · 16/02/2007 22:17

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It's veyr unfair of him to not invovle you in his daughter's life. It's like saying you're not an important part of his life. He needs to understand how hurt you are.

Carmenere · 16/02/2007 22:17

This is really not fair on you. Essentially he is putting his ex's happiness before yours and that is not on. You need a timetable of when this situation is going to be normalised, of when you are going to be phased in to the equation.
If he is still reluctant to do this you are going to have to rethink this relationship. Whilst it is normal for his dc to come first it is not normal to pretend you don't exist.

ScoobyDooooo · 16/02/2007 22:25

Sorry but there is no way i would put up with this & may i ask why the BM has to be staying in the hotel too? I agree he should be seeing his DD & spending quality time with her but not his ex too.

I have a step-son who is 8 we see him through out the year, he comes to stay with us or we visit where he lives (well he lives with his bm by dp's parents so we go to stay with dp's parents he stays with them 3 nights a week anyway & most school holidays if not with us.

I have never met his BM & to be frank not really bothered about meeting her. She is happy for ss to come with us & the situation is amicable & works, dp never speak to BM either, it all goes through dp's parents.

I think you seriously need to sit down & have a chat about all this, you are now part of his life & he really needs to start taking you into consideration to, i actualy feel very sorry for you because it must be awful

SAM54 · 17/02/2007 16:55

I agree, this will be so hurtful to you.

How long have you and dp been together?

DD is always going to need his attention, but there should be some compromise on his part to include you. Ex should not call the shots, but fine line to whether she stops dp seeing dd altogether if he argues. Is there no way he could bring dd home to you for a few days instead of staying in a hotel? Or do they live too far?

Aimsmum · 17/02/2007 17:35

Message withdrawn

beansprout · 17/02/2007 17:56

This is really harsh on you. I can understand his ex not wanting to make loads of trips in a short space of time and the practical side of her being there as well, but this seems to go a bit futher than that, and she seems to be on a bit of a power trip. Why valentine's day? It was a Wednesday - surely it didn't need to be on that day.

Trouble is, seems that, for whatever reason (probably guilt and fear) your dp goes along with it, and so it carries on. It's also complicated by the fact that his dd's favourite set-up is always going to be "mummy and daddy" and not another combination.

How long have you been together and how "serious" is your relationship?

Aloha · 17/02/2007 18:02

You don't really have a future with this man do you? Even if you take a ridiculous back seat for another, say, six years until this girl is too busy with her friends to bother much with her dad, and certainly won't want to spend loads of time travelling when she could be shopping with her friends, where will you be then? Do you want children of your own? I think, and I hate to say this, you need to get out of this relationship.
I am a stepmother btw and a mother of two children. He is obviously terrified that his ex will prevent him seeing his daughter again, and I can understand this. She sounds a vile old cow and she does hold all the cards, but there is no future for you both while he pretends you don't exist.

ScoobyDooooo · 17/02/2007 18:03

I can see exactly what you are saying in many respects Aimsmum but to be fair if the dd's parents are not together anymore then why can she not just spend quality time with her father, surly the mother could then have a little break & do things she may like to do or even spend quality time with any new partner she has?

Personally i think it is power & she likes to know she has it but of course that is my opinion on this situation.

Aloha · 17/02/2007 18:05

Oh come on, this awful woman is being absolutely and totally unreasonable, bullying and controlling ('my name can't even be mentioned in conversation'!). But that's not Zayna's real problem. Her problem is being a relationship with a man who won't stand up to her (maybe for very good reasons) and that means they do not, IMO, have a future.

Aimsmum · 17/02/2007 18:06

Message withdrawn

ScoobyDooooo · 17/02/2007 18:09

I can say 100% now i would never put up with this & me & dp would have been well over if i was in this situation.

TenaLady · 17/02/2007 18:10

I personally would run a mile from this relationship. Sorry to say it but there needs to be a balance and there most definately isnt one here. Cut and run and find somebody who would stop the world for you, thats my advice. Sorry.

Aloha · 17/02/2007 18:11

I think he's being wildly insensitive about it too, tbh. This is just a recipe for heartache. Get out!

Original poster

Zayna99 · 18/02/2007 10:11

Thank you so much for your replies. This thread is in relationships as well. I am very grateful for your support,really I am.

We've been together nearly 3 years. I thought things would get better - I met DD for the first time 12 months ago, but since then, everything's gone backwards.... mother couldn't stand the thought of the 'cosy effing threesome', as she so politely put it.

Anyway. I cannot split up from this man. I love the bones of the guy. I wish I didn't, sometimes...

OP posts:

swift1 · 18/02/2007 13:16

ZAyna99,

I feel so sorry for you. Three years is a serious relationship, and you are getting a really bum deal. The worse thing is you're going to put up with it....

anniemac · 19/02/2007 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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