Stepson advice please?

[Notsurewhat1981]

I don't know where to start really so I'll just ramble on :( partner and I have been together 4 years he has a son of 8 and we have a 13 month old baby together. We have had equal custody of stepson staying etc for about 2 years. I'm not coping well at all. As stepson has got older he seems to have become more hyperactive, louder and more aggressive /show off-y. I tried to discipline him at first but once baby came along I didn't have the energy or inclination and solely concentrated on stopping him flattening her as he tore about the house. I understand he was used to being an only child and gets totally spoilt at his mums. His dad disciplines him but it's like it never sinks in and he has a really short attention span. Dad says he was hyper and it was hard work since he was a baby, maybe some children are born like this? I know some will say his parents break up has probably caused it and I should be more understanding but I genuinely believe it's the inherent personality - his mother and her brother are very loud demanding kind of people and he seems to be taking after them. OH gets upset as he feels he is constantly telling off and says I don't support him but I'm scared to try and do or say owt in case stepsons mum kicks off. (She has already accused us of favouring baby when she couldn't get her own way) he has to have his dad's full attention all the time or otherwise becomes bored hyper and destructive. I thought it must be me being a cow but I've watched his grandparents aunt uncle and cousins, and he bully's them shows off and the adults have to tell him off or otherwise sigh like they give up. Partner can see me looking at his cousin of similar age and wishing he was more like him which I can't help but do. I hoped we'd have a good relationship but I've come to hiding in kitchen cooking and cleaning etc I'm almost scared of him and I'm definitely scared baby's going to get hurt. The odd times he's calm we have nice chats and I wish could be like that more but that's so rare. I've never been mean to him and never would I just feel like most of time I'm trying to hide away from it all under the guise of domestic chores need doing

What is his behavior at school like?

If you give him something to do/play with, how long does he stay doing it?

I feel for you, especially having the stresses that a new baby bring too.

I genuinely believe it's the inherent personality - his mother and her brother are very loud demanding kind of people and he seems to be taking after them.
I believe this too as much as it is also learnt behaviour. My two are naturally very calm and I have kind of taken it for granted that is normal, however, I just have to spend time with my friend's kids, who are also normal children to realise that what is normal is very different in different families.

I adore my Godchild who is a lovely and affectionate kid (now 11), but OMG I couldn't spend more than 24h with him. He is so full of beans, loud, physical, active compared to my boy who is very quiet and mild mannered. That doesn't mean he is an angel though!

I have to say that I would find it hard to be with a lively child all the time, but unfortunately, being so doesn't make them bad kids. I personally would try to hide as much as possible and let his dad deal with him. It is his son, and it is for his benefit that he is living with you 50% of the time.

I'm coming to think more and more, that any child who needs that extra effort of parenting, and some do, are better off with a main parent and not 50/50 shared custody, where they seem to fall through the cracks.

This sounds like no one is on top of DSS. My older DS was hyperactive, it can be quite genetic and you need to be really consistent and clear. It's hard parenting! DS is lovely, but he could go off the rails so that was one reason I wouldn't have been in favour of 50/50 with his Dad, who like you wasn't around an awful lot, would have deferred to his GF who hasn't a clue, and I wouldn't have been able to keep DS to a fairly calm routine.

Sorry, this probably doesn't help. The DSs own parents need to make sure that he is able to cooperate and socialise to some extent, you have enough on your plate with the baby. I'd try and insist his Dad takes him out to lots of activities, like sports and team games where he can let off his energy but also learn how to control his exuberance, and make some friends.

Thank you so much. I'm so glad these points came up as I have suggested the same to oh- firstly that he gets him some hobbies that'll wear him out such as swim club, we tried football he didn't stick it. Oh has got this weird idea that we have to do everything as a family but it's no fun in all honesty and as age/gender gap between kids I think it would be more constructive to spend more time getting him into hobbies with dad.
The other point about it should not be 50/50 custody- well u can imagine the reaction I got to that! I have put it to my oh that if we split he would not have baby 50/50 I Dnt think it's fair to the child they need one bed, bedroom toys etc, continuity in the week that's just my opinion. He gets dragged from pillar to post every other day and I think that contributes to the hyperactivity coz he's overtired. But on the flipside as my oh said- stepsons mum has him up at 6 he's then dragged n dumped at nans in another town who then takes him to school in the first town! Then the reverse at night to either home. His mums a career and social animal who is far too selfish to see this or have him more and try and stabilise him.
The last point I forgot is the food - I genuinely think junk food contributes to hyperactivity and he pretty much eats junk every day, McDonald's, pizza or tinned pasta. The only thing we can get him to eat is lasagne or spag bol. Again we can't really address it with his mum and if I gave him veg and refused to cook the same thing time and again I'd probably be accused of starving him :(

Your DH is leaning on you too much with his. Insistence on doing everything together.

Maybe if you put it from the boys point of view to your DH? A 10 year old boy, stuck in the house with a baby, moved around all the time, can't be much fun. It shouldn't be up to him to just drop hobbies either, unless he hates something. No kid voluntarily will go each week, it needs to become a normal habit, your DH needs to step up big time as he will have a bored, restless teenager soon.