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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Brother

21 replies

awyse85 · 29/11/2016 08:47

Hi,

I was wondering if you could give me your opinion ref. below

My husband has a one 9 year old boy with his ex, she went on to have another boy (aged 6). So his son has a step-brother.

I have a 14 year old daughter who he gets along well with but does not seem to do as much with her as he does with the two boys

My husband will take both the kids if they want to come to our house together as he says they are just kids and should be treated as brothers?

I am not comfortable with this....is it me?

Thanks

OP posts:
Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 08:51

They are not step brothers - they are brothers tied by blood. Their mothers blood.

Your Dh is right. And he probably enjoys their company. Do they both sleep over at your house?

Don't be jealous over children it will come back to bite you on the bum!

Original poster
awyse85 · 29/11/2016 08:59

We have been together for 4 years and his brother has maybe stayed over three times

He does enjoy taking them out to football/playing but does not spend as much time with my daughter (although to be fair she is always out with friends).

Am i being to harsh do you think?

OP posts:
BubbleGumBubble · 29/11/2016 09:06

Yes. She is a 14 yo girl and by the sounds of it does not have much in common with DH or 9 yo and 6 yo boys and thats normal

Dont be jealous and dont force them to spend time together. You already said she goes out with friends anyway.

PeggyMitchell123 · 29/11/2016 09:06

They are not step brothers, they are brothers. I have a half sister and brother(same mum) and they are just my siblings, I feel the same about them as I would if they were full blood siblings.

Does it really matter? The brothers are probably close and your partner sees it as no different to if your stepson had a sleepover with a friend. Spending time with a 14 year old step daughter is very different.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 09:18

Yes you are being harsh - and jealous.

Don't force him or expect him to do stuff with your dd as he lives with her, she sees him daily. Let him enjoy his time with his son and his brother

Wdigin2this · 29/11/2016 09:20

It's probably best to just go along with it, because they are brothers, but I get how you feel about it! This child is no relation to you or your DH and he probably feels like a cuckoo in the nest to you. But in the grand scheme of things, the brothers obviously spend most of their together anyway, it doesn't seem to bother your DD too much, so I'd let it ride until all of them go their own way.....pick your battles I say, there's always a bigger war to fight!

gingina · 29/11/2016 09:58

I don't see why it bothers you?

It seems like it is pure jealousy that your DD doesn't get the same attention. If it doesn't bother her it shouldn't bother you either.
Sounds like your DH is being mature and you are not.

WannaBe · 29/11/2016 10:26

Yes, it's you. They are brothers.

If this was a friend of DSS' you presumably wouldn't have an issue with it but you do because it's his brother. Your DD on the other hand is his stepsister. It's not the same.

Lunar1 · 29/11/2016 11:27

That's lovely of your dp, its always nice to see that some people out there want children to be happy rather than just droning on about contact, schedules, and their rights. Your got yourself one of the good ones!

Underthemoonlight · 29/11/2016 11:32

They are brothers by blood not step siblings, as nice as it is I have my DC with my DH we wouldn't allow DS sis go with him to his dad's and they are extremely close so I do find it odd but I'm guessing your DH is comfortable with this what's the harm?

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 29/11/2016 12:32

I think that you have a point, and I do not think you are being unreasonably jealous.

I do think that your DP is meaning well, but not thinking about the longer term implications. He is effectively taking on the parenting of his ExWs child doing this regularly, and by default so will you. He is also not building YOUR own household, your family unit. I know he'll miss his brother, but the more it can become a norm the more it'll sit well with the boy too.

This shouldn't be done lightly, I mean you wouldn't be taking home your DSSs friend from school every other weekend would you? It's a lot of time and it is centred on the DSS rather than centred on your whole family.

Also, that half brother of his is getting the same amount of time with DSS Dad, yet has a Dad, at some point even DSS himself may resent this and want his Dad to himself sometimes!

I can see doing this occasionally, but all the time is setting up potential future problems for you all.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 29/11/2016 12:33

Also, my DS has a half brother, no way would I let them both go to my Exes! My DP would also find this really weird!

AppleMagic · 29/11/2016 12:37

The half brother has stayed over 3 times in 4 years, he's hardly "taking on the parenting".

Original poster
awyse85 · 29/11/2016 13:07

He is not around often at the house (Maybe at the house around 5 times in total over the 4 years)

They do things together maybe once every six weeks, but it is usually away from the house

Other half says he does it when his son asks if his wee brother can come and do whatever they are doing (simple things like football at the park)

OP posts:
YouHadMeAtCake · 29/11/2016 13:11

It's you. First of all you should acknowledge that they are half brothers not step. You sound jealous and that doesn't bode well.

bluelilies · 29/11/2016 13:34

Sounds lovely that he's happy to let his DS bring his (half) brother along from time to time. He's probably good company for DSS - a 14 year old girl isn't so likely to be great company for a 9 year old - though that may change in a few years when DSS becomes a teenager, and may start to appreciate some time in a more grown up households not with his younger DB.

Sounds like you're hurt a little that your DH doesn't have much to do with your DD? I'd put that down to her being a 14 year old girl, and like a lot of men he probably finds 6 year old boys a lot more straightforward. Is there anything your DD and DH do both enjoy? Movies? TV? Cooking meals? Music? You could try and encourage him to take a bit more interest in her if you think she's like that.

Or are there any things you could do all 4 of you together that you'd all enjoy? You need to find what these things are - they're probably not kicking a ball around in the park. If that's what your DH likes best, it's not the thing to bond the whole family over - walks, board games, movies, sports, etc - whatever you're all into, or can at least tolerate.

BubbleGumBubble · 29/11/2016 13:48

He takes the brother out once every six weeks and he has visted the home 5 times in 4 years......and this is taking over parenting Banana Hmm

I spend more time than that woth my nephew does that mean I am taking over parenting him?

OP it really is you want more from the relationship than either your DD or DH wants. Leave it me and stop analyzing it.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 29/11/2016 14:27

From the initial post I thought it was every contact time!

I take it back, it all sounds reasonable and quite nice for both brothers.

bluebell9 · 29/11/2016 15:06

The kids are being put first and that is lovely. Your DSS wont see his brother as anything other than his full brother and of course wants to spend time with him.

My eldest niece has 2 half sisters. One from her mum (my DSis) and one from her Dad. The 2 half sisters (of my niece, no actual relation to each other) love each other (they are 3 and 4), they are invited to each others birthday parties and get really excited to spend time together. Its great for my eldest niece that everyone gets on so well.

needsahalo · 29/11/2016 17:24

He is effectively taking on the parenting of his ExWs child doing this regularly

So by the same token anyone who puts their child in childcare or sends their child to school or has family care for a child on a regular basis...is somehow defaulting on their parenting responsibilities?

I think you have some serious re-thinking to do on that one. It might make you uncomfortable but that doesn't equate to asking someone else to parent your child.

satinthedark · 29/11/2016 20:05

Sorry my EX comes round to see our DCs and brings the twins - they need a relationship.

We go out as a group every 3-4 months for pizza - the kids love it as it is one of the few times all the sibings get together.

Sometimes you just have to do what is best for the kids regardless of your feelings. The twins are fun and they all have a laugh, someone tell me that this is wrong.

I know his now Ex DP hates it but that is not her business, when they are wit their father they meet their sibs - end of done finished.

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