Disney parenting has driven me away

[TeeteringOnTheBrink]

DSS moved in with us 18 months ago.
DP continued to Disney parent. His ex has alienated his other children so assume he can't bear to lose this one, which I understand.
However, DSS has got into increasing amounts of trouble at school, and DP never supports the school and believes DSS who is known to lie often.
I want to support the school, I have tried my best to support DP in co-parenting DSS and supporting him financially to fight for the other children.
As time has gone on, his apathy towards parenting his son has got worse, and his eye rolling and muttering when I try to pull DSS up on things has gotten worse.
It came to a head this morning and what has been brewing splurted out. I told him his son's behaviour problems at school were down to his parenting, and he told me not to bother coming home tonight.
I've done my absolute best for no thanks from either of them and I feel desolate. I've put everything into my marriage and trying to help with being a good step mum, but I'm at rock bottom right now.

He sounds like a poor husband, as well as an ineffectual father. I presume you're going home tonight? What do you want to happen next?

Sorry, that was blunt! I should have also said that it sounds as though you have been trying very hard and always have Dss's best interests at heart. This must feel like a kick in the teeth.

Poor you, this sounds awful. Do you want to continue your marriage?

I didn't go home and he hasn't contacted me. Distraught doesn't cut it. I want my marriage to work. I believe DP is depressed over various things. Help lovely people

Have you name changed OP?

It sounds as though as you said your DP may be frightened to rock the boat with his DS for fear of losing him like the others but, that of course is doing the boy no favours in the long run as it's enabling his poor behaviour and your DH is making a rod for his own back as the saying goes.
I do think it's pretty shitty of your DH to have effectively kicked you out for the night at least, it's your home too and have as much right to sleep there as he does, row or not.
Does he have form for this sort of thing when arguments occur?
If you're in the frame of mind to offer an olive branch (I understand why you wouldn't be) can you contact him and say 'the situation got a bit out of hand yesterday and things were said in anger, can we sit down together and talk- we need to support each other and work as a team on this.' Or something to that affect.

I would feel the same as you OP.

Can you take a couple of days away and then sit down with him and talk to him about it.

He's playing chicken. Ride it out. Do NOT contact him. Let him miss you.

Absolutely agree with this. If you have somewhere to stay, then stay there and let him learn what it's like to parent in his own . It's going to be hard OP but try not to blink first.

I think I would be feeling a bit dubious about the idea that the ex has alienated his other children. My ex says that about me. But it's total bollocks- he did it himself. You must have been walking a really difficult tightrope.

Thank you all. He made no contact overnight or today. Before reading some of your posts, I did email an olive branch which he hasn't replied to or made nay contact. He is at work until 7pm so I don't know whether to wait until then to see, in case he hasn't had a break today (although unlikely). I don't want to go home without an inkling of his thoughts on the matter. I also don't want to be alone with DSS for fear of being accused of something I didn't do. I don't like leaving my pets this long... I don't have my own kids but I adore my fur babies. Playing chicken is making me nervous.

I hope you didn't play chicken and allow him to bully you.

I'd stop helping him financially with his other dc and helping him parent dss - he doesn't want to behave like a responsible parent and he doesn't appreciate the support you give him.

He doesn't want to listen to reason - which will blow up in his face when his dc gets suspended or expelled from school.

You want to live in this dysfunction for the rest of your life?

I'd be having serious thoughts about remaining married to him.

It sounds like you have been in a tense and impossible situation. The family dynamics seems mucked up, so he doesn't see one child but has full residency of the other? Where is the mum in this with DSS? These are all issues that you haven't any control over though.

I'm sorry but I think that you've done the right thing, however lovely your DP is with you, he's embroiled in this way of parenting and tricky situations with his Ex which will be difficult to ever live with. I think I'd move away if I were you.

But by not going home it looks as though you agree with him that you are in the wrong, when you're not. Don't just accept him telling you to leave the house. Whose house is it, out of interest?

I can see both position. The bottom line is that it sounds like you just had very different views on parenting and it came to a head. You clearly think he was a crap dad, but it sounds like he thought you had no clue too and decided that his priority was to protect his son.

In the end, there is no right or wrong, some parents are stricter, some parents more lenient, some parents expect a lot from their kids, others don't. Your OH became a resident parent and is clearly still finding what he thinks is the right balance between showing love and care yet providing discipline. I think it is the norm that parents tend to favour the first and SP the second, but usually manage to find an acceptable position somewhere in between.

It's a sad situation to have to separate on this basis, but ultimately, if you could reach a compromise that could make you both happy, then it was inevitable. As a mum, if my OH expected me to raise my children in a way that went against what I think is right for them, I would have to ask him to go too because children always come first. It doesn't mean that I would be right and him wrong, but as a parent, you have the overall say as to how you want to raise your children.

Well, that says it all...don't come home tonight!
He is putting his DC right up there way above your marriage (it should be on an equal basis), so you're going to have to accept, he doesn't love you enough!
I'd get out, move everything that legally belongs to you, then start divorce proceedings! I'll probably get shot down for this, but make sure you get every last penny you're entitled too out of him, because you're going to have to start all over again! Good luck !!