Partner's child is bullying my child

[Mamamc123]

Hi, I'm new here and actually joined to try and get some advice.
I have been with a wonderful man for the last 18 months, we're very much in love and both feel as if we've finally met "the one".
I have 2 children from a previous relationship 2 & 6 years old, and he does also 7 & 11 years old.
We took things slow initially and over the summer spent more time all together with our children.
My issue is his 7 yr old is being very very unpleasant to my 6 yr old and I'm not sure about how to tackle it?
My bf and his ex split when the youngest was only 1 and her mum has a long term bf who now lives with them - but he doesn't have any children so I'm assuming that's what 7 year old's issue is with my daughter.
His kids live just up the road from him and although he works long hours he sees them very regularly and is a wonderful devoted dad, he dotes on his girls and gives them lots of love and affection.
Both children have very different manners to what I'm used to and are aggressive with their language, and often very rude to adults. 11yr old I seem to be able to handle quite well and we've developed a nice friendship and she enjoys spending time with us.
7 yr old just keeps picking on my 6 yr old. It's not just the normal "doesn't want to play with her" sort, she's very verbally abusive and she's sly about it, I hear her quietly telling my daughter she isn't as pretty as her or that her clothes aren't nice.
My little girl isn't used to this, she gets along with everybody and is very kind and sensitive to other people's emotions. I've talked to my 6 yr old about it as it's breaking her heart and it's getting to the point where she doesn't want to be around the 7 yr old anymore
Most of the time when my partner has his kids I'll stay away so they have plenty of alone time together but there are occasions and parties that sometimes we have been invited to together with the children.
We don't live together and because of his long working hours in the week if we don't see each other at the weekends then we wouldn't see each other at all - and he has his girls most weekends.
My bf admits his 7 yr old is a bully and I know it upsets him but he doesn't seem to be doing anything about it?
My question is - what can be done?
Or do I take a heartbreak and walk away because of the sadness it's causing my little girl?

My advice is: don't assume the girl is a nightmare and your daughter is an angel and don't push the blame on the mum because either position will take you nowhere to solve the problem.

I think you are right that it is probably a personality thing, but that doesn't mean that she should be perceived as 'the problem child' whilst your daughter is perceived as 'the poor victim'. In all likelihood, the girl is difficult, but not as bad as portrayed and your daughter is the one trying to make good of things, but maybe not as innocent as you think she is.

The behaviour of this little girl is your OH's responsibility when she's there. Why should it be her mum's? How would he feel, or you, if mum called on a Monday and had a huge rant because the girl was in trouble at school and it was all his/your fault because of her you treated her over the week-end?

Her dad needs to spend time trying to understand her reasons for acting the way she does. Not all kids are the same, some are naturally confident and trusting whilst others are naturally suspicious and self-protective. He needs to do what is required to give her the reassurance that she requires, whatever it is. You need to encourage more time between them fully supervised and you can observe the dynamic of the relationship and intervene before it escalate by discussing issues.

I expect the situation is not as black and white as you see it yourself.

This is a seven year old child who is struggling with lots of changes. She only has a crappy dad to guide her while she is with him, he isn't doing his job he's taking the path of least resistance.

Your child, and his are suffering for it. If cutting up your bra wasn't a sign that he should have backed off from any kind of blending I don't know what would be.

I have no idea where pushing blame onto her mum would come from, unless she is supposed to telepathically parent her child?

Only you can decide if you want the status quo to continue. Just remember the blame lies with your partner and he isn't interested in changing things. Even if he did now it may be too late, changes made now would be blamed on you and your dd. You may have got yourself into a no win situation with this one.

Stop blaming her mum. Your DP is a deeply ineffectual parent.

And keep the girls a country mile away from each other. She tried to push your daughter down the stairs!! I sincerely hope the moment you learnt that was the last time they spent in each other's company? What if she'd succeeded?!

Ultimately this relationship has no future. This isn't going to resolve with a few well chosen words and a cuddle. Down the road you are going to be thinking of moving in with this man, which means moving your daughter in with her tormenter two days a week. It will only get worse. If she's jealous about occasional contact between your boyfriend and your daughter imagine how she would react if your daughter was the one her Daddy was getting to live with full time??

I agree with swing, lunar and hesington people some quick to make the 7year the villain and the 6year the victim here I think there maybe more to it why she is acting out. OP kids are sneaky and I wouldn't be surprised if your DD has been whispering things when you're not in earshot. My DB was a devil for this and I would react to it and get into trouble whilst he smirked that his plan had worked. I also think it's don't to your do to parent not the DM she isn't present in the situation and can't fully aware of what's doing on.

Honestly we've witnessed it on many occasions, she just doesn't like my daughter being around at all.
My daughter didn't initially say anything so it isn't a case of crying wolf - it has also been brought to our attention by friends of my partner as their children have come and told them what is happening when we're not there in the room. For example the stair pushing incident we found out via 2 other children who are friends of 7 yr old, their dad rang my partner to tell him what his kids had witnessed her doing to my daughter.
I now am avoiding 7 yr old and if we are together I won't allow them to play other than in the room I'm in.
I am upset with their mother because there have been many times the children's behaviour has been out of line whilst in her care and she has rang my partner for advice and to discuss - which he always does as they do co-parent quite well most of the time. However when he discussed the situation with 7 yr old's behaviour after she had cut up my bra (he wasn't sure what to do punishment wise and bra wasn't discovered until they were back at mum's house) mum said "How do you know it wasn't 6 yr old?" My partner explained only himself and his kids had been in the house so it couldn't have been anyone else. She started saying 7 yr feels she's getting the blame for everything and she's told her not to play with my daughter so I feel like mum is validating daughter's behaviour. Mum even said "Just because she went to a posh school doesn't mean she is innocent" - referring to the fact I privately educated my daughter for a year to help bring her along.
We are so careful not to make 7 yr old feel pushed out that I think my partner is allowing her to actually get away with too much.
7 yr old has been in trouble at school for not being nice to other kids too so it isn't even a first.
I'm not even cross with the child, just worried about where we go from here?
My child is by no means an angel but she isn't doing anything to provoke this behaviour, she ends up staying next to me at parties and gatherings if they're there.
If my child behaves unkindly or unacceptably she has a suitable punishment or a time out.
There just doesn't seem to be any consequences for 7 yr olds behaviour at all.

You know where to go from here, you just dont want to. Which I do get, it's hard to walk away from someone you love. But in this situation the only control you have is over your own actions. So you can either chose to stay or walk away. If you walk away, as hard as it will be you would show your children just how important their happiness and safety to them. The alternative is that it's ok for your dd to be bullied by your boyfriends child as he's not going to do anything.

I'm sorry you cannot 100% say your DD hadn't done anything to provoke the behaviour you admit you weren't present and you can't necessarily reply on accounts of other children. Could her other sister have cut your bra? Had you even considered this or just assumed the 7 year old did?

I agree you know if the situation isn't going to improve you have to walk away for the sake of your DD

Of course we asked both children but it was very obvious it was the youngest. Eldest flatly said "didn't even know she left a bra here", youngest stalled for a long time and was asking questions like "Hmmm what did the bra look like? Which room was it in?" and then decided to shout at her dad saying he was unfair. We've caught her in the act doing similar things to her own sister - deliberately damaging her things.
I know my DD isn't provoking her, I observe them playing, as have other people. My DD desperately wants to be her friend.
Also 7 yr old isn't shy, she would 100% be shouting it from the rooftops if my DD was being mean to her or saying anything unkind. She shouts if she thinks DD has one more strawberry on her ice cream!
But the fact is she hasn't said DD has been mean to her, even when tackled as to why she is being mean to DD.
I think you're right Lunar.
I will be having crisis talks with OH as the situation is getting physical. If he doesn't start to try and help the situation then we won't be seeing either of them anymore.

I don't think the situation is hopeless at all, she is only 7 and there is still plenty that can be done to make things work.

She started saying 7 yr feels she's getting the blame for everything and she's told her not to play with my daughter so I feel like mum is validating daughter's behaviour.
I know that my experience probably makes me biaised, but I was the kid blamed for issues between my SS and I when my SM and her moved in with my dad. She is 4 year younger than me and her mum thought she was the perfect child whereas she'd labelled me quickly as a moody kid. SS and I used to have horrible fights, and usually went like this: SS would ask to play with me, I would say no, she would get annoyed and she would start saying things that hurt my feelings such as 'I now have a new dad' which she knew would get to me. I would shout at her to leave, she wouldn't, I would end up pushing her away, she would fight back until she threw herself on the floor and then cry and called her mum saying I'd thrown her harshly for no reason. SM would comfort her and then give me the worse look and say something like 'what is wrong with you', and when I would try to explain -but couldn't get the words out as feeling too upset- she would cut me and say that sorry was clearly wrong with me.

This lasted for quite some time until my SS made the mistake of actually biting me and doing so so harshly she left some blood. She didn't realise though so played the victim too -Gosh was she good at it!- except that this time, SM did see the mark on my arm right away and was horrified. SS got a massive telling off. After that, SM still continue to act like her DD was perfect and I was the difficult child, but DD stopped being horrible to me and we actually end up getting along well. We're now in our 40s and unfortunately, SM and her have stopped talking some years back, both misinterpreting each other's views. I am close to both.

My point is that I really do think that it might to concentrate on why the 7yo might be acting the way she is and why she would say the above to her mum. Her dad should be listening to her and then keep a much closer eye on the dynamics of the relationship. Advice has been to keep them away, but I don't agree. If it was me, I would actually try to sneak on them and trying to listen to their conversations behind the door to try to understand what triggers the bad behaviour. Maybe she is jealous of your daughter and if that is the case, then her dad needs to understand why that would be and react in a way that she can be reassured that she has nothing to be jealous about.

How long are you going to give him to start to try? I'd be clear in your mind on this.

Will it be a set period of time or number of occasions your daughter is bullied or hurt? How often do you think is ok?

I believe she's scared my daughter is going to take her daddy away? I don't not for one second think my child is perfect and if she behaves badly she is punished... but the same can't be said for 7 yr old.
I haven't allowed them to be alone for some time now and DD is still getting treated unkindly in front of me.
The issue is my partner and the lack of parenting going on here. I think she is jealous of my DD thinking daddy is spending time with her when she's not around (not the case at all) and I think she continues to behave this way because she is taking pleasure in being mean to DD as I have seen her laughing when DD is reduced to tears.
Thank you so much for sharing your story swiftofthings. I really hope SD and DD will end up being friends,if only 7 yr old would give my daughter a chance I think they would be good friends xxx

I think dp needs to understand that his dd is really struggling. Is there a local group she can access for children who's parents are divorcing? A counsellor who she could see during dp's contact time? I think more attention to the ways she is lashing out, and trying to get her support for it are what is needed here, not ultimatums which will only serve to exacerbate the problem. Plenty of 7yo girls go through a fairly rabid stage of queen beeing (ask any y2 teacher) but her issues do seem centred around her attachment to her dad and the divorce/ separation.
But of course, first of all, DP has to acknowledge that his dd is struggling and needs support (whether or not his xw agrees). And it doesn't seem likely that he will. In which case, you know the answer.
Is DP able to approach the school and discuss if they have any concerns with her behaviour? They may also be able to access support as well.

Lunar we rarely see the kids now and next planned occasion is NYE (at a big party - not an intimate gathering) I'm hoping things will be smoother by then. Other than that I'm not allowing
No number of times is ok, but I think my partner deserves the chance to put things right first and help his daughter feel more secure and stop lashing out. He's a good father but until recently has seemed terrified of upsetting them as the children have previously threatened not to visit him if they don't get there own way and he seems scared of losing them.
He wouldn't - and mother relishes her free time so there's no way she'd allow them not to go to daddy's.
Like I said my partner is too soft but his heart is in the right place. He knows the problems with his daughter's behaviour and he wants to help change it.
That's why I'm asking for advice xx

I would agree with you pontificationcentral except the parents have been split for over 6 years and she was only a baby, she's never known any different.
Dad and mum have both lived with other partners in the interim.
I'm not the first gf, dad was with another woman for 4 years before me xx

You keep asking for advice but you aren't going to take it. Your daughter should be more important than this relationship but you don't want to end things. Your DP is letting his child get away with this behaviour so that's how it will be. Blaming the child and her mother without equal blame to your DP is ridiculous

OP, I don't understand why you said 'there is no relationship between my DD and my partner' when I said I thought his child was jealous, and then later you went on to say exactly what I'd said. Not that it matters what I think, but you do seem to have your thoughts in a bit of a tangle. Hope you get it sorted anyway.

Footle there is no relationship between my partner and child, but 7 7 yr must perceive there is - that's what I meant.
Outragedkoala I am aware of his failings and have said so many times in this thread. He wants advice on how to change the situation which I will give him the opportunity to.
My daughter is more important than my relationship, as is his daughter to him. But just walking away every time things get difficult isn't a he answer either.
We both wanted some help on how to tackle it.
I think trying to reassure the child and firmer boundaries are the way to go.

That's interesting that it has been 6 years and both parents have had other partners etc.
Do you think the impermanence of both mum and dad's previous relationships may be impacting on her ability to form relationships with your family? She has never really known permanence in families, even with her own parents? I don't think it's a reason to scuttle the idea of some counselling - she does sound as though she may have some attachment issues?

Did mum or dad's previous other partners have other children as well? Just wondering if there were difficulties in that situation - maybe she was the one on the receiving end of her current behaviour at some point?

Pontificationcentral that is so sad Yes I do think she has some attachment issues, that's crossed my mind on many occasions.
I can't see mother agreeing to counselling though, she isn't likely to be supportive of that idea although I think it most likely would help a lot xx

And yes DP's ex gf had a daughter of similar age to the eldest child and apparently it was an exact mirror of what is going on now with eldest child's behaviour to ex gf's child.
Partner has even admitted this was the case and contributed to the split. There were many other issues in their relationship though so I don't think either party was willing to get to the bottom of the issue.
DP wants to resolve it all, he doesn't want either of our girls being unhappy

That's what happened with the dd here. Dad was going to arrange counselling for her but didn't. Mum was frankly unable to. So she didn't get any. Even a play therapist might be a good idea. Someone has to put this kid ahead of their adult wrangles. I know you can't have her treating your kids badly, but I do feel sorry for her. She doesn't sound very happy.

Pontificationcentral as far as I'm aware the issues with the kids in his last relationship did not involve 7 yr old, it was her big sister and ex's DD.
Eldest is nice to my DD, but maybe 7yr old witnessed her sister effectively get her own way and rid dad of his gf by treating her daughter badly? Maybe that's what she's trying to do herself now?
I honestly don't know.
All I know is that 2 little girls are very unhappy and I want to help fix it

X post. So dad for parents to be unable to act when their kids are hurting. It might feel easier to break up relationships but it just exacerbates the problem as none of the trauma is ever dealt with and it just makes it harder next time around for everyone.