Partner's child is bullying my child

[Mamamc123]

Hi, I'm new here and actually joined to try and get some advice.
I have been with a wonderful man for the last 18 months, we're very much in love and both feel as if we've finally met "the one".
I have 2 children from a previous relationship 2 & 6 years old, and he does also 7 & 11 years old.
We took things slow initially and over the summer spent more time all together with our children.
My issue is his 7 yr old is being very very unpleasant to my 6 yr old and I'm not sure about how to tackle it?
My bf and his ex split when the youngest was only 1 and her mum has a long term bf who now lives with them - but he doesn't have any children so I'm assuming that's what 7 year old's issue is with my daughter.
His kids live just up the road from him and although he works long hours he sees them very regularly and is a wonderful devoted dad, he dotes on his girls and gives them lots of love and affection.
Both children have very different manners to what I'm used to and are aggressive with their language, and often very rude to adults. 11yr old I seem to be able to handle quite well and we've developed a nice friendship and she enjoys spending time with us.
7 yr old just keeps picking on my 6 yr old. It's not just the normal "doesn't want to play with her" sort, she's very verbally abusive and she's sly about it, I hear her quietly telling my daughter she isn't as pretty as her or that her clothes aren't nice.
My little girl isn't used to this, she gets along with everybody and is very kind and sensitive to other people's emotions. I've talked to my 6 yr old about it as it's breaking her heart and it's getting to the point where she doesn't want to be around the 7 yr old anymore
Most of the time when my partner has his kids I'll stay away so they have plenty of alone time together but there are occasions and parties that sometimes we have been invited to together with the children.
We don't live together and because of his long working hours in the week if we don't see each other at the weekends then we wouldn't see each other at all - and he has his girls most weekends.
My bf admits his 7 yr old is a bully and I know it upsets him but he doesn't seem to be doing anything about it?
My question is - what can be done?
Or do I take a heartbreak and walk away because of the sadness it's causing my little girl?

Your partner should be concentrating on his child, separated parents, multiple partners moving in and out their lives, potential step siblings. It's no wonder she is lashing out, that's a lot of trauma for such a young life.

Pontificationcentral I totally agree. DP and I really love each and want the kids to get along. He will have this issue whoever he's with unless it's addressed so I'm not taking the unpleasantness personally... although it's hard to explain to DD to keep being kind in to her bully

Lunar1 that's not fair - he's had one failed long term relationship since their mother. He's allowed to be happy too.

And in and of itself that's not going to be a quick fix - and not fair to anyone involved really. If dp wants to help his dd move on, he is going to have to actually decide to book a play therapist on his time, and explain to his xw that he believes it to be necessary (or not - only he knows whether it is better to be honest or lie by omission - I'm not advocating not telling her, but if dd had a physical injury or illness he would be within rights to seek treatment if his ex was withholding it - mh should be no different) or he is going to have to work a lot harder on supporting his dd through how relationships work.
If he is committed to you and you have a long term future, this is worth it. But unless this is genuinely a lifelong commitment, it might be easier for him to withdraw now lest he hurt her more by setting up another family and breaking it up.
Hard

Just what blabkbird said.
You have to make your daughter a priority.
Ask your partner what he would do if your daughter tried to push his down the stairs and was nasty and aggressive towards her.
See if that emotion sparks a response. Sorry op but be prepared to walk away if he won't take a firm stand with her. She needs to know that this is not acceptable and she is not welcome in your home or on social occasions is she is being hurtful or spiteful.

It is fair, it's just uncomfortable reading for you. She had been through divorce, then meeting and living with new stepparents on both sides, followed by breakups again on both sides, now she's having to start again.

Isn't the innocent child in all that entitled to be happy and have some stability without more new people being thrown into the mix?

Her dad can have happiness without dragging his children, who have been through so much into it.

You have four children between you, 2, 6, 7, 11 yrs. Forget the youngest and the oldest, the age gap of 4 yrs between the others rules them out as competition. However the 6 & 7 yr olds are too close in age, so 7 yr old sees your 6 yr old as trying to take her place in the family unit?

She's obviously a deeply unhappy child. And it's clear you don't want to end your relationship despite the fact thAt two little girls are deeply unhappy.

My question is: if you're here asking for help, what is your partner doing for his child? It doesn't matter whether or not the mother supports him. He should be moving heaven and earth to support his child. From your words, he doesn't sound like a father who is parenting his child, but going with the path of least resistance which won't help either one of the deeply unhappy little girls.

'I think trying to reassure the child and firmer boundaries are the way to go.'

A child tried to push your daughter down the stairs and you're still putting this relationship before your child (and he is as well).

'Lunar1 that's not fair - he's had one failed long term relationship since their mother. He's allowed to be happy too.'

And you and he are putting that ahead of your children. That's the bottom line.

You don't want advice, you want people to tell you your behaviour is fine because your relationship is more important than those two girls.

His daughter has been through the breakdown of three relationships in her short life, now she has this one foisted on her. And he is too busy with his own 'right to happiness' to parent his child effectively.

And you're over there trying to solve it all so you can keep the man, never mind the effect on your daughter.

She will be forced to associate with a child who tried to push her down the stairs. Do you even realise how scary that is for her?

Sounds like your DP won't be able to help matters, if a previous relationship has failed for the same reason.
Cut your losses and give your daughter a happier life. She must be so sad.

Do what your daughter needs but cannot do.
End the relationship.
I speak as a former child whose mum put fellas before my safety.

OP, I think you are trying to hard to try to explain why she behave the way she does and by doing so, you are at risk of associating her with problems that don't exist.

Some kids welcome change with open arms, some hate it. Some older kids think that the arrival of a sibling is the best thing in the world, others wish they could kill the baby. I expect your SD just fall under the second category, but it doesn't mean she has attachment issues, or isn't being disciplined appropriately, she is just a bit more emotionally vulnerable than the average child.

My view is that the worse thing you can do is reinforcing the issue by keeping them apart and making a point that this is because she is nasty. That will only tell her that she is right to be concerned and make her react even more negatively. Instead, you and her dad need to make her realise that not only it isn't impacting on her relationship with her dad, but that actually having another sibling, even better of the same age, can be great fun. Make a genuine effort not to compare them, even if you think you are hiding your thoughts, if she is an emotional child, she is more likely very perceptive too and will pick up very easily that you (and maybe her dad) think that your DD is better than her, maybe prettier, more intelligent, more lovable, more worthy of affection.

I would really encourage to do as much things all together and treat the girls exactly the same way. Plan fun events so that she can learn to associate pleasurable time with being with your DD. Take both of them shopping and buy her what they want. Emphasize how they are both beautiful in their own way, that their individual tastes are both great and suit both of them. If you DD finds school easier, think of something your DS is quicker to learn and point out that everyone has different skills and that what matters is trying their best all the time etc...

It will take time without a doubt, but you can definitely make it successful if you can genuinely find it in you to care for this girl and believe that she can turn into a lovely person too.

You asked how other posters would handle this.

I would stop ALL contact between the girls - no shared parties, no shared gatherings. It doesn't matter if the adults miss out too.

And I wouldn't move in with this man until all children had left home. So if I could accept at least 16 years of dating but living apart, then fine. If not, I would end it now.