I don't know what is reasonable anymore

[TheDecorator]

I have posted on here a few times about the crappy situation with my DP's DD. DP has finally decided that DD needs to come to the house to see me and our 8mth DD. I have always said she is welcome etc...She has just not wanted to have anything to do with me or baby. (Long story blah blah)
DP has now said she has agreed to come over instead of him going off for days with her, leaving me and DD at home with no car (my car) but his DD has said she wants to go out with him and our DD and that she doesn't want me to go.
He thinks this is ok and I am devastated. I have bent over backward for this child time and time again.
If all you have to tell me is that she is a teenager and I have to understand please don't post because its a new laptop and I might throw it at the fire.
Am so fed up I just want to cry all the time. The day she is meant to be coming is the day after we are meant to be going out for our first night out since the baby is born. Jsut think I am going to be thinking about it all evening.

I have a teenage dsd and when ds was born, she wanted to have things done her way. I think this was a bid to ensure that she didn't feel ousted. Can you just see it as an opportunity to have some time to yourself and do something nice for you? Don't put your happiness in her hands, as it's not safe there!

Look this is very difficult but you would be well advised to let them at it. Difficult I know but the child(yes child even though she is a teen) needs to feel that she is special too. If this goes well, which it will because babies are the glue that mend step families, there will be plenty of time for you to spend together.
Play the long game.

Dsd was horrible to me while I was pregnant. Called me out of work, to ask for money and then stood in the street and yelled at me that we should never have a baby, we have no right, that dp would just leave me anyway etc etc. I was reduced to a wreck.

When ds was born, she wanted to be the first one to see ds and part of me just resented this, but, stuck in a hospital bed with a dh desperately trying to please his dd, there was not a lot I could do. It really mattered at the time but now, a stable unit of me, dh (as he is now) and ds is the most important thing. Your ds has a right to know his sister, and as hard as it feels sometimes, that's how it is.

I do know how hard it is though, I do feel for you.

The problem is its eating away at our stable unit. I am a very reasonable logical person but this situation has totally got out of control. I feel such anger and resentment to this child it's got me at a complete loss.

Let it go, you can't win so there is no point in fighting it. Just accept that she is a demanding, irritating child who has been distressed by her parents split. Be nice and friendly to her and leave it at that. You can only do what you can do. Tbh I think it is a good thing that she wants to see your ds, he is her brother and he needs to have a relationship wioth his siblings. So what if she doesn't want to see you, why would you want to spend the day with a sulky teen anyway? Seriously, in the future when she is a bit more mature you may be able to spend nice time together, buty really and truly if she is going to be unpleasant, you don't want to be around her.
You have a day to yourself, make the most of it.

I do know that feeling! Are you having the imaginary arguments when you are in the shower yet?!

I know that no amount of hearing about what sd needs will help you. Try and focus on what you and dd need. Let dh sort himself and sd out. That's what I do. I really worry about sd a lot less now that ds is here. Plus, I have an insight now into what it must be like for dh, and I appreciate that it can be hard enough, without me making it harder.

If it helps, I was a horrendous SD myself - I look back at the way I behaved as a teenager and wince. I now have a fantastic relationship with my (now widowed) SM, but it took years and years of her endless patience and persistence to get us there. I think other posts are right, grit your teeth, enjoy the day to yourself (but go out and do something, don't sit at home getting worked up)and trust that the passage of time is enough to sort a lot of things out.

Let them get on with it. Go out, go shopping, pamper yourself a bit. I have a similar problem with my SD. When me, my DH, our DS and SD all go out together she just completely ignores me which makes me even more upset. So just takes things slowly, do not let her 'wind you up' could upset things between you and your DH, as it does in my marriage.

Good luck and very best wishes. Not easy is it.

Let it go.
She's the child not you.
If yuo resist she will only stir more.
Show her there is no reason to.

try not to let it consume you but i understand that when your 'in that place' its very difficult to think of anything else and it almost feels like a bit of therapy getting worked up with all those internal arguements and dialouge that i'm sure your having just now.

I'm not sure if i can give any sound advice except that i agree that you should just let them get on with it - i never did when ds was born (have 2 sk's) and i must admitt we have had a really awful year - you know the kind you wouldn't wish on anyone...

Anyways over Christmas i just hit rock bottom and something just changed in my thinking i'm much calmer and no longer get so stressed about sk's. Not really any help i know but all i'm saying is that don't think of it as an uphill battle just carry on for mow and live your life cause it is your life too - much pressure put on stpe-mums i think. step back, keep strong and remember at the end of the day she isn't your daughter she has parents let them deal with her and you just focus on a friendship

thinking of you

Just a quickie,,, did you have anything to do with their breakup, which may be the reason for her resentent towards you?

Also, how long have you and dp been together. I have two dsc and one dd and if I were in your shoes there is absoloutely no way I would let them all go off together. Never. Unreasonable or not I wouldnt give a shit. I would expect my dh to make it clear that we are all family, not just my child , her and dh. Completely understand where you are coming from . There is just no way I would allow it to happen. Rightly or wrongly.

I know you are all right. JBW, it has caused lots of trauma and upset in our relationship and its just not worth it. Rooo28, you are clearly in a better space now, good for you. I hope you can stay there. I will take solace that there are others out there who really understand what its like. No-one I know has been through this and so its kind of like their advice doesn't count. The other thing is, it could be a lot worse. DP, on the whole is very supportive and I am aware that there are lots of step parents out there who are not so lucky.
Thanks

Cuppy, no I wasn't but her mother has still made lots of trouble. Encouraging his dd to change her name so its not the same as baby's etc.
I don't think that they be able to go off without me, its like its shutting me out but I don't know if I am up to the battle anymore.

As ususal, don't need to worry for the time being cause she has blown her dad (and us) out again and it not coming over this weekend.