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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How did you deal with it?

18 replies

pinkie1982 · 21/10/2016 15:06

I have been with DP for 10 years, we have a 16mo DS.
When we met he told me he had a DC that he was NC with (not through his choice). It was never on the cards for them to meet, DC didn't know DP was his dad, we thought it would happen after he was 18.
Well, it has happened now, a few years earlier.
I thought I would be fine when the time came but I'm falling apart. I know it is going for them but I am so emotional and feel selfish and irrational. I am usually such a logical person that I can't understand why I feel so gutted.

What do I do? I haven't voiced this to DP and I am truely happy they have met and are getting on but I feel lost and like our DS will be pushed aside by that side of the family. I know they are all excited after all this time as so much to fit in but I feel like I fight for their attention for my DS as it is. Since DP has been reunited they have started calling my DS his SB name, I dont want to explode, I want to be supportive (I am being on the outside) but don't feel like it inside.

OP posts:

Bubblegum18 · 21/10/2016 15:09

How do you think his DC felt not having their father in there lives? Your DS is only 16 months old so he will hardly be pushed out. I sense you feel your family has been invaded by these strange children and you have no control over it and that's the issue for having.

As others suggested you've got to fake it until you make it. There's plenty of love to go around.

Bubblegum18 · 21/10/2016 15:11

What is SB name mean?

LineyReborn · 21/10/2016 15:17

Since DP has been reunited they have started calling my DS his SB name

Sorry can you explain this a bit more?

Fourormore · 21/10/2016 15:18

SB stepbrother?

Waltermittythesequel · 21/10/2016 15:22

They're calling him by his brother's name?? That is odd!

He's not his stepbrother, is he? They're both your dp's dc? So he's his brother.

This is a huge adjustment but this child has done nothing wrong and your partner should feel very, very lucky that he wants something to do with him!

Please don't let your jealousy get in the way of this. No good will come of it.

Find a way to be ok about it. If you have to, tell DP to have a word with his family about treating the boys differently (but make sure that's not just your opinions colouring the situation.)

Lunar1 · 21/10/2016 15:32

Fake it till you make it, to be honest your husband, his first children, and all his family are probably doing the same thing. The only one who it won't be an adjustment for is your ds, he's gained some siblings to play with.

Talk to your husband, he's probably finding it hard too.

MyWineTime · 21/10/2016 15:46

Half Brother not Step Brother - but I'm confused by the name issue?

I agree with PP, take it for now. Once you have calmed down and this becomes more familiar, hopefully you will feel better about it. It will be lovely for your DS to have more extended family.
It will take time for everyone to get used to this and work out how you all fit together.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 21/10/2016 16:20

Maybe because you're grieving for an uncomplicated life you thought you had.
I find the whole situation completely depressing now after years of hassle off the ex, Disney parenting and disrespectful, rude children. His ex has stopped contact before and we got on so much better, actually have time for our own DCs and family and I won't lie, it makes me sad that that isn't our permanent situation. I know it isn't the DSCs fault but I dread their visits.

Petal02 · 21/10/2016 17:14

OP, I think you're finding it tough because step-children and blended families are rarely easy. Anyone who admits to finding life easier when stepchildren aren't around generally gets flamed around here.

It's hardly the fairy tale is it? You marry a nice guy only to find yourself dealing with 'first family' children and hostile exes - and it's rarely like the Waltons!

swingofthings · 21/10/2016 17:29

You're feeling the way all siblings must do when they are faced with a new arrival in the family, having to share their parents and worse, seeing them giving so much attention to this new person they don't care much about (but somehow still feel protective over).

Many go through tantrums for a while craving for attention. Then they realise that their parents don't love them any less and the new addition is actually quite endearing (if very annoying!).

Hopefully it will be the same for you.

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 21/10/2016 17:35

Since DP has been reunited they have started calling my DS his SB name,

Do you mean that now there is another child, the relatives get mixed up and accidentally call your ds by the wrong name?

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 21/10/2016 19:26

It is probably a huge shock at the moment. So how you are feeling is understandable.

However, at some point, try to put yourself in your DSSs shoes. He's grown up without his Dad, something your child has been lucky enough not to experience. He's lost out hugely, and none of this is the child's fault.

Original poster

pinkie1982 · 22/10/2016 00:33

Sorry yes I wasn't clear. Half brother, not step brother. And yes, his family members are calling my DS the older child's name by accident but it is starting to grate.

I don't feel any resentment towards him or my DP but I did wish it wasn't happening. That kind of contradicts itself, I know.

We have not long moved house and trying to make it a home and I feel we will be invaded by this teen out of my control and I just have to sit back and let it happen, which I will. I just didn't expect to have sleepless nights worrying about it. I feel as though I force DS on the in laws already. They never come to us or call to ask how he is. Unless we go there they don't know anything about him. I just hope this doesn't make it even harder. I hope I'm just overthinking it.

OP posts:

lhh00002106 · 22/10/2016 11:56

I'm going to say something that I'm sure I will get shot down for by some, but sometimes I think it's the existence of that person you had no intention of having in your "ideal" life that is the most difficult thing to deal with. It's not that person, or the situation they are in (talking about the child) but it's the impact their presence has on your life.

After a while it gets much much easier. I've gone from hating having my SD around, to not minding it, to actually quite looking forward to it. It's taken a long time though!

Original poster

pinkie1982 · 22/10/2016 12:35

Thanks everyone. At least now I know it's not just me that's felt this way and I'm not such an awful person! It's very early days and I just need to accept the fact that we have an addition to the family and see how things go. Deep breath... and plough on

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 22/10/2016 14:12

You should try to separate the two...

If your dh's family aren't making enough of an effort, that's a separate thing to your SS.

Perhaps they feel like they have more time with your ds because he's a baby? Perhaps they're just not into babies? Perhaps they're total dicks who are self-absorbed and cruel.

None of that is anything to do with your SS, however.

IN a way, you're in a better position than most steps because you and your dh get to build a relationship together. You're not coming into already established routines and bonds, you can all build a family unit together.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 25/10/2016 08:45

lhh how long has it taken? I really do hate visits, so much so I've taken myself out of seeing the DSC for the time being and DP has them on his own. I feel I've got enough on my plate with a teething baby and toddler without two other children who hate me and look for anything to report back to their mum, to look after too.

sterlingcooper · 26/10/2016 17:03

Well I think it's totally understandable that on an emotional level you feel shocked and worried about this. As you say, you may well be sharing your home soon with a teenager you know nothing about and weren't expecting to be coming into the scene.

How much do you know about your DSS? Have you met him? Is there anything that actually gives you cause for concern about integrating him into your family, or is it just fear of the unknown at this point?

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