AIBU

[Lala1980]

Used to have very regular contact with DSCs which has declipsed this year due to a bit of parental alienation by DP's ex and DSD hitting teens. DP has been understandably hurt by his kids dropping him for no good reason. Ex has avoided mediation and made every excuse going (I assume she can't justify her behaviour).

AIBU? I have just bred a litter of puppies born this weekend and suddenly DP gets text from his DD that they want to come. My feeling is they should want to come and see their Dad not just my pups. DP is understandably thrilled but I feel hurt for him...

diminished not declipsed

YANBU that is very sad but you would be unreasonable to say anything and ruin the happiness for your husband.

It is horrible to watch I agree, but there is no way I'd muscle in and interfere.

I have to say I am disappointed by my step children too, they only see DP if it is worth something to them.

A while ago I did tell DP straight that I thought that he wasnt' doing himself any favours, by just running around after his kids doing things FOR them all the time. He often gets sad that they don't come to see him just for him. I said you need to be clear to them what you want - ask them to come around for dinner, ask them to meet up for coffee etc. But then I left it.

A lot of fathers in particular seem to 'not want to put pressure on the children' - and think that everything will just come right if they just give, give, give. It doesn't. My step kids do so much more for their mum, who they admit is more selfish than their Dad, and often drives them up the wall! But she demands their love and attention, which is why they give it to her. Being a martyr, doesn't work.

Cut them some slack if there has been alienation - it may be that they feel less conflicted about making contact and seeing their dad when there is a reason their mum is more likely to accept (like seeing puppies) OR, it may be that they are willing to rebel against their mum and take her anger for something that really matters them (like puppies).

It's hard, but if you and your DH make it as easy as possible for them at the moment, then occasional contact like this is likely to continue which gives them a way back to him (and you) when they eventually see through their mums behaviour - that may not be until well into adulthood though.

Thank you all. Great advice x

Are you really truly certain that your SDS change in attitude is solely due to her mother, or is it just easier to blame her? I am asking because I can imagine my ex/his partner saying the same, but I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with me and have actually asked DD why she didn't seem as keen to go to her dad (she is 16, going on 17). Her reasons were:

• She doesn't get the same privacy when she's there and finds it harder to study (she is doing 4 A levels)
• She doesn't as much time to see her friends and misses out on get-togethers when she is there
• Her dad/SM rely a lot on her to entertain her little sister and however much she adores her, she, like her parents, find her a bit overwhelming and can't get any peace
• Her dad doesn't do much with her at all. Is is often tired from work and doing chores. They never go out and do anything together
• She can't sleep in late in the mornings (well she didn't say it like that, but I guess that's what she was alluding to!)
• She doesn't feel the need to spend as much time with her dad just as she has also removed herself from me and somehow seem to find me much more worthy of her attention when she wants something from me!

So like your DSD, puppies would do it, either if at her dad, or if I said she needed to get up at 5am to go and pick one for our house, when she of course wouldn't even get up at 8am to go and play tennis with me!

My point is, don't take it personally, that's just the way teenagers are, they come to an age when they don't want to spend so much time with mum and dad (let alone grandparents and the rest of the family) just for company. Let her come when you get the puppies and enjoy seeing her being reduced to a 4yo when she sees them!

As dd has made the first move its up to your dh to take it from there.
My ds fell out with me due to him getting into trouble at school and then expelled - it was easier to stay with the parent with no expectations than the parent who was going to show concern /go mad!
He text me asking to go clothes shopping randomly -it was an excuse to text me. He has actually moved here full time now and doesn't spend much time with dad.

I think that's cute they want to see the pups, what kid wouldn't! If DP isn't bothered then move on ...

YANBU to be upset. For yourself and for your DP.
I personally however would be excited about the interest his teenage DD was suddenly showing and if it were me I might even suggest she has a puppy that you keep at your house that she can come and look after. Kids often don't understand they're hurting you. Teenagers very much live in their own bubble. Bribe them if you must.

Maybe this is the excuse they need to see their dad? It’s wrong that they ignore him, just go with it.

Kids are inherently selfish. My OH runs round EOW (when he sees his kids) - spends circa 6 hours driving them around to their various activities. Never gets a thank you and as soon as they walk through the door they are glued to screens and you are lucky to get a grunt out of them. Would never think to thank him or chat to him. I feel sorry for him sometimes.

I go with the flow and let it wash over me. His decision to run around after them and ‘please’ them out of a sense of guilt. I hope one day they recognise his effort.

I suspect the puppies 🐶 will now be fully grown dogs!!! How are you finding these elderly threads?