I think my friend risks losing her new boyfriend because of his children

[tigermoth]

A friend asked me for advice on the following:

She has been seeing a man for a year and it's getting serious and she wants to be with him long term. She really loves him, loves his company but is finding his step children hard work. They are aged 9(daughter) and 6(son) and spend lots of time with their dad. My friend feels he does not discpline them enough and, as the daugher especially has been a bit rude to her, my friend is backing off and seeing less of her boyfriend.

She has told him the reason, and told him that she feels he does not discpline his children well. He admits it, but says they have had a rocky time since he separated from their mother - the relationship between the adults is still bad - and he admits he has spoiled them. But he doesn't seem to be eager to make big changes, hence my friend's backing away.

As far as I can tell the children have not been seriously awful to my friend - just not that good generally. I also think my friend has got used to living an orderly, adult existance and children's natural chaos in any shape or form is hard for her to accept. She is in her late 40's, ambitious, not easily content with life - she's always be looking around for better jobs, better relationships, that sort of thing. Having high standards is no bad trait of course. But I am worried that she might be expecting too much from the children too soon. They only realised she was daddy's girlfriend a few months ago - before that they thought she was a friend.

I know she is upset as she really likes this guy. She asked me for advice. I suggested parenting classes and parentline. I told her that her boyfriend might respond to parenting advice better if it was from a professional outsider. I didn't say it to her, but I felt my friend might also get a better handle on the situation too.

But is there any other advice I should give her? I would hate to think that this relationship ends for her needlessly.

bump!

"I didn't say it to her, but I felt my friend might also get a better handle on the situation too. "
Could your friend take that? if she can I would tell her, it's common that if you don't have children you find most children behaviour a bit too much, However, I understand children can break the perfect order to which she is used to BUT she should not take any sort of abuse from this children, if they have been rude to her they should be disciplined.

Tigermoth - In the past, I have been the single, childless woman trying to have a relationship with a dp/potential step children. In no particular order, here are observations based on my experience:

1. Many fathers who don't have full time access to their children allow them to run riot rather than be strict when discipline is needed. Their reasoning is that they don't see their kids enough, so why ruin it by having a confrontation? They want their limited time together to be enjoyable, so often let their children get away with alot.

2. Your friend needs to realise (as I have), that as a single woman in her late 40's, ANY man she contemplates a relationship with will probably have children. So, at some point, she'll need to figure out a way to manage the complications/conflicts that come with step-children or decide she's OK with being single. Of course.....the role her boyfriend plays in helping the situation along will be crucial.

3. Almost every one I know of who has a relationship with dp/dh with children has gone through a VERY rough patch until a relationship is established between the children/new partner. It is a child's job to test adults, and your friend will have to deal with that. It's understandable as the entire family dynamic changes with her presence, and children don't have the emotional tools to deal with that in a mature way. Also, I think most children harbor hopes that somehow their parents will get back together - no matter how unrealistic. Your friend is the person who will prevent that happening, so there's bound to be some resentment/anger/anxiety to be worked through.

4. Your friend cannot/should not put herself in the position of "competing" with her boyfriend's kids for his attention/affection. She'll end up "keeping score", and will inevitably feel aggrieved. Chances are she'll lose if she puts him in the middle of an emotional tug of war.

5. Your friend should also be prepared for the possibility that dp's ex might be unhappy about the new relationship, and is perhaps conveying that unhappiness to the children in verbal or non-verbal ways. That can also present it's own challenges.

So, I suppose my advice is that this is quite complicated, with emotions running high on all sides. Your friend will need to be very patient, and must be prepared for it to take quite a while. Hopefully, her boyfriend will be understanding and supportive as everyone adjusts to the new situation.

Tigermoth - One other question, how does your friend react when the daughter is rude, and how does the boyfriend handle the situation when it arises? Your friend is in a tricky situation because she can't reprimand/discipline the children.......so is obliged to let her boyfriend handle it. I think it is especially tough to understand how kids think/react, when you haven't had children yourself.

Tigermoth, I have been in just this situation (my dh had a 9 year old son when we met).

If she seriously wants to hang on to him, I would tell her to not interfere with his parenting style. If and when they discuss living together/ marriage that would be the time to discuss parenting and discipline issues.

She has to back off or it will end anyway. NO good, loving parent would want to be with a partner who was hostile or critical of his or her children, IMO. It's not her place, and it's rude, apart from anything else. And I say that as the wife of someone who had a daughter when we met, who wasn't crazy about the idea of sharing her daddy either.
She might put all her energies into being friends with the children, not criticising them, and by extension, him. Being told you aren't a good parent by a single, childless women in her 40s would seriously piss me off. Sorry if this is harsh. I know what's it's like to be in her shoes, and my relationship would have gone nowhere if I'd taken a critical attitude.

What I am trying to say is that IMO the problem is not her boyfriend's parenting style, but her attitude to it.

thanks - lots of good advice here. I very much agree her attitude isn't helping and I don't think she realises how annoying it can be, if you are a parent, to be told by a non-parent that you could do better. On the other hand, difficult on her to feel so powerless. I have to rush away now and rescue our sunday roast, but I will be back tomorrow with a fuller reply.