SS full time? I can't do it

[fizzingmum]

Sorry for the long post!
Background is my DP and I have been together two and a half years. We have a DD 9 weeks old together. I have 2 DD's and he has one DS. My DD's live with me 5 days a week. His DS lives with us Mon & Tue each week and then Fri-Sat for 2 weeks and Sat-Sun for 2 weeks. So he is with us most of each weekend. This has worked out well so far. The problem is I just don't get along with his son and following much advice on here about disengaging, this is what I have done. DP & SS have no idea how I feel. It just works that i keep busy and out of the way and spend minimal time in his company. They truly have no idea that I just don't like SS. He is very sneaky and demanding. He is 7 and does nothing for himself. Won't wash or brush his own teeth etc, and behaves like a toddler most of the time. When he is here he insists on it being one on one time with his Dad. This works for me but as baby gets older she will want time with her Dad. SS is absolutely not interested in his sister, despite attempts to engage them. He just wants Dad all to himself and has no interest in anyone or anything else.
Anyway, recently he has been refusing to return to his Mums (she isn't very involved with him) and my DP and his parents have been dropping hints that he may be happier living with us full time. This fills me with dread. It's hard enough keeping up the pretence for half the week. I couldn't live with it full time. I had hoped things would change over time but I just can't be around him for more than a few minutes. His Dad thinks the sun shines from him and excuses his behaviours. He doesn't fit in with the rest of the family (won't clear his plate from the table after dinner or even try to make his bed or any other chores that the other kids have to. He seems to think he is exempt as he is only with us half the time. But he still wants the biggest room as he has to share at his Mums (so do my two at their Dads). He is a very fussy eater so I am expected to make separate meals for him. The list is endless. It's so hard to not have access to my partner half the week (he doesn't go to bed until around ten most evenings) I couldn't do it all week. But what do I say? How do I tell my OH if/when he asks that there is no way I could do it. It would be the end of us and then he wouldnt be with his daughter full time. So it seems like he is having to choose and I don't want that. So how do I react? How do I word it that it's not right for the other members of the family, mainly me I admit, to have SS fulll time.
He only wants it because he thinks it would be all one on one time all week. Clearly this wouldn't be the same if he was full time anyway, but from a 7 year olds point of view he thinks he will have permanent treats, late nights and no chores. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I dont see how things will ever change about my feelings towards him and I can manage to navigate it as it is. But 7 days a week is saying goodbye to my relationship. Please don't be too hard on me as I've said nobody knows how I feel and I keep it al in. I just want it to stay as it is. Any helpful advice gratefully received.

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x

Posting fail!

OP - if I go to 'threads I'm on' it shows that you've posted again this morning, but its not showing here?

Ah, your post has re-appeared!

The good thing here is that he is 7, and a lot can change. In you and this boy, there could be a positive relationship. My DSD was like this, but too late, a teenager, and she was not going to accept me full stop.

But it won't if he never comes out of his room, or your DP is always defensive, or he's let live with you but can ignore you. Unless your SS acknowledges at some point that you are part of the equation it's going to be a split, tense household. grumble had good advice, very practical and worth a try?

I think OP, you're doing everything you can! But if your DSS come to stay, it can't really go on like that, and your DH will have a rude awakening, when he's expected to dance attendance on a 7 year old every waking hour!