SS full time? I can't do it

[fizzingmum]

Sorry for the long post!
Background is my DP and I have been together two and a half years. We have a DD 9 weeks old together. I have 2 DD's and he has one DS. My DD's live with me 5 days a week. His DS lives with us Mon & Tue each week and then Fri-Sat for 2 weeks and Sat-Sun for 2 weeks. So he is with us most of each weekend. This has worked out well so far. The problem is I just don't get along with his son and following much advice on here about disengaging, this is what I have done. DP & SS have no idea how I feel. It just works that i keep busy and out of the way and spend minimal time in his company. They truly have no idea that I just don't like SS. He is very sneaky and demanding. He is 7 and does nothing for himself. Won't wash or brush his own teeth etc, and behaves like a toddler most of the time. When he is here he insists on it being one on one time with his Dad. This works for me but as baby gets older she will want time with her Dad. SS is absolutely not interested in his sister, despite attempts to engage them. He just wants Dad all to himself and has no interest in anyone or anything else.
Anyway, recently he has been refusing to return to his Mums (she isn't very involved with him) and my DP and his parents have been dropping hints that he may be happier living with us full time. This fills me with dread. It's hard enough keeping up the pretence for half the week. I couldn't live with it full time. I had hoped things would change over time but I just can't be around him for more than a few minutes. His Dad thinks the sun shines from him and excuses his behaviours. He doesn't fit in with the rest of the family (won't clear his plate from the table after dinner or even try to make his bed or any other chores that the other kids have to. He seems to think he is exempt as he is only with us half the time. But he still wants the biggest room as he has to share at his Mums (so do my two at their Dads). He is a very fussy eater so I am expected to make separate meals for him. The list is endless. It's so hard to not have access to my partner half the week (he doesn't go to bed until around ten most evenings) I couldn't do it all week. But what do I say? How do I tell my OH if/when he asks that there is no way I could do it. It would be the end of us and then he wouldnt be with his daughter full time. So it seems like he is having to choose and I don't want that. So how do I react? How do I word it that it's not right for the other members of the family, mainly me I admit, to have SS fulll time.
He only wants it because he thinks it would be all one on one time all week. Clearly this wouldn't be the same if he was full time anyway, but from a 7 year olds point of view he thinks he will have permanent treats, late nights and no chores. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I dont see how things will ever change about my feelings towards him and I can manage to navigate it as it is. But 7 days a week is saying goodbye to my relationship. Please don't be too hard on me as I've said nobody knows how I feel and I keep it al in. I just want it to stay as it is. Any helpful advice gratefully received.

Your dh isn't helping matters either of course as he seeks to demonstrate and exercise his love for his son by letting him stay up late and insisting he should have separate meals to suit him. Obviously if ds comes to live with you full time, this problem would be eradicated by the laying down of ground rules.

How can the OP be assured that ground rules would be laid down?

Her DH has made it clear through his actions that he knows he is enabling/contributing to his DS behaviour, yet he's not willing to do anything about it.

It would be foolish of the OP to assume things would change if her DS was resident with them. Her DH is demonstrating with his actions where his priorities lie and she and her baby DD fall below her DSS.

I don't think I would go that far. I expect he is just another man trying to do his best by everyone, trying to please one, then the other, and ultimately, realising that everything has gone too fast and he is now caught in between, however, realising that the person who needs him the most at the moment is his son. It sounds like is he not tackling it well, but he is trying.

I expect he has noticed that OP has disengaged and suspecting her feelings and that this at the moment makes him want to overprotect his son since he is the only one left it would seem who actually want to give him some attention.

It also sound like OP is trying her best and about coping how things are, it's the prospect of the child being there full time that is overwhelming, understandably.

It is going to take time just to adjust to the situation as it is, so everyone can find their comfort in the new family. OP needs to tell her OH that him moving in is too soon yet, and let him know how she feels so that they can agree on compromises. Raising 4 children is never going to be easy however much the parents are in love with each other, let alone when this has all happened within 2 years and there are other issues.

I doubt it is a good thing to pretty much remove his DM from his life.

It might suit DP and his DPs (the DGPs) to have her air brushed out but in the long run probably not so great for DSS.
Is he now not the oldest at his DM's ? Does he just want to come because he becomes kingpin and he is spoilt by DP and DGPs?

That would be a good reason imv for him staying with the present set up, that he needs his DM in his life. And what does she say about him leaving her? Has anyone asked?

OP, DSS will know how you feel towards him no matter how well you think you've hidden it. So if he thinks DSM doesn't like him, maybe he's feeling unlikable (kids do this - internalise stuff). Why would a 7 year old who is feeling unlikeable be motivated to clear the table or make his bed or interact with DSM who clearly has issues with him. Change your attitude before you try to change his, or you won't be effective.

Why would a 7 year old who is feeling unlikeable be motivated to clear the table or make his bed or interact with DSM who clearly has issues with him.

Yet he wants to live with the OP full time?

Or he wants to live with his dad full time, imagining OP will continue to ignore him.

I haven't read past the first page, but was struck by how hard you're all being on the OP! She specifically asked for advice, but is getting a bashing!
FWIW, here's my take on it. Yes, he's only 7, and is too young to understand the family dynamic in which he is a part timer. No, it doesn't sound as if he's very welcome in either home, which is awful! But OP, even though I understand where you're coming from, you have enough on your plate as it is, if it's better for this child to be with you then that's how it'll have to be. However, I would sit down with your DH, and discuss how things will have to change if he is to be a full time member of the household, he will have to be subject to ALL of the normal rules, as everyone else is! Plus I think I would insist on him staying with his DM (overnight) on one day of the week at least! Good luck!

I remember over 10 years ago thinking I couldn't do this, a little child, no previous parenting experience and brat like behavior. Fast forward to an amazing SD who would have known. Just try to connect, have fun, treat each obstacle as a way forward. Don't judge..because right now I wouldn't want you near any child I care about...you need to change rather than blame :(

As if he doesn't know you dont like him OP. As if!

Your poor DP not only needs to compensate for the changes in his young childs life but also for choosing a dud partner who doesn't even like his child.
There is no way you'd have it if he showed the same towards YOUR children.
Stop trying to count out who gets what time and obsessing over YOUR children getting the time you deem suitable and put some real effort in.

Right. Ignore every single unhelpful comment. You need a plan. Disengaging is fine if it's EOW but honestly I think even when you disengage you lose respect for your partner. I wouldn't have a big sit down talk with your DP. It won't end well. He will feel defensive and protecting of his son. Your resentment and anger will come through. Pick one thing like clearing the table. Make a star chart for all the kids with a reward like earning screen time or whatever you think would float DSS's boat. Ask your DP to be in charge of the star chart and marking down after each meal who cleared their plate sans nagging. Your DP sounds utterly lost as a parent. He's not going to have an ah-ha "I'm being crap!" Moment. He sounds like he's really lacking skills. Your choices are support him in his parenting by suggesting you guys need to coparent more cohesively (hence him taking on star chart duty) or just call it done. This will only get worse as the boy gets older. It's the behaviors themselves that are most concerning its the lack of parenting from your DP.

As if he doesn't know you dont like him OP. As if!

Your poor DP not only needs to compensate for the changes in his young childs life but also for choosing a dud partner who doesn't even like his child.
There is no way you'd have it if he showed the same towards YOUR children.
Stop trying to count out who gets what time and obsessing over YOUR children getting the time you deem suitable and put some real effort in.

I really don't agree with overcompensating for leaving. What about the baby? after all they have a child together, does this child get ignored until poor dss us over it? (Which if he is constantly pandered to will literally be never)

Long term this shit doesn't work. You can't favour one child because you feel guilty.

Yes I think o would be having a chat with DH. ie before I will consider it things need to change with both of you! You need to make an effort to engage with him and he needs to make an effort to engage with all the rest if the family, and learn that the rules apply to him too. He had to follow the same rules as your daughters, and cannot monopolise his dad. Then maybe you'll comsider it,
Sounds like this is a lot your DHs fault- why has he allowed all this one on one time with his son and not insisted he behaves at your house??
Poor you. And poor SS.

Long term this shit doesn't work. You can't favour one child because you feel guilty.
No, but in an ideal world, you don't add to your family until issues with your current children are sorted, especially when the issue is that of insecurities and bonding.

OP now has to deal with the not so perfect situation. It means that her baby doesn't get ignored but neither are the needs of the child who expressed them long before baby appeared.

You don't need to have a baby with a separated dad to make him feel guilty about his 'first family' child/ren - I don't have any children with DH, so it's not like we were adding extra people to the situation, but he felt extreme guilt that he didn't see DSS ever day, and disney'd accordingly.

And even if the OP had waited years before having a child with her DP, I suspect things wouldn't be much different.

Poor little kid He's only 7 and his behaviour is entirely normal. Can't you make an effort to bond with the little lad??

It must be very hard for the OP to bond if he only has 1-2-1 time with his dad when he visits - it totally excludes the rest of the household and creates a very weird dynamic.

Intense, obsessive behaviour towards a visiting child can backfire though - DH could Disney for England, but ultimately his martyr/doormat persona meant he lost DSS's respect, and now they're practically estranged. But DSS remains close to his mum, who treated him like a normal child throughout.

So you married and had a baby with a shit father and some how it's the child's fault...

And even if the OP had waited years before having a child with her DP, I suspect things wouldn't be much different
Besides having more time to try to give the 7yo more attention, especially in relation to positive disciplining.

Not blaming OP by the way as clearly, it was the responsibility of her OH to say not to a baby so shortly after getting together and needing to help his son settle before considering adding to the family.

OP says that the child acts like a toddler most of the time, this is typical behaviour of a child who feels threatened by the arrival of a new sibling. If the issue is not deep seeded, he should naturally get over it soon enough, but if there were insecurities there already, then it might take longer for him to feel reassured in terms of his place in his dad's affection.

I think we all agree it's the DP who is at fault.

And are we sure it's the arrival of the new baby that caused the problem? Maybe the boy is reacting to his parents split, and dad having a new partner who already has children?

petal that's really not helpful.

op if your still here

I've been a SM to a little boy who was similar and a SC to a woman that didn't really want me around so I can see both sides.

In both instances the only person reslly at fault is the dad. Op it's your Dh that needs to change things, he is the key here. With out him getting on board with how the whole house works your ds will always be on the outside. It's your Dh that needs to bring him in to the fold.

Who's we petal ? Speak for yourself no one else.

Which of my posts is unhelpful? At least I'm not slating the OP, which is very unhelpful.

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x

I'm still here and taking it all in. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I should clarify that the disengagement has come from me not making any attempts to persuade SS away from x-box. He basically arrives, goes straight to his room and sets up a game and then calls his dad to join him. I used to spend time trying to persuade him to join the family, come on walks with the dog etc. But he resented me even more and would sulk the whole time which spoiled it for everyone else and added to my resentment. I only get every other weekend with my children and didn't want it spoiled by a sulky child who hasn't got his own way. So I have stopped now. He is invited every time and every time he says no. I have disengaged by not
Pushing it, And when I do see him I am super nice, make him laugh about something or tell him a little story (about the dog or something that has happened through the week) and leave it at that. I really don't think he or my DP know I have disengaged as it seems to come from SS. So I can promise he is not a generally unhappy boy. He is just used to being treated like a Prince on a pedestal and is not giving that up without a fight. And I am not fighting it. Clearly if he decides to ask to come to us full time then it will need to change. I appreciate all the advice and input x