Wish I didn't know this...

[disloyal]

I am a regular MNer but have changed my name for this as dh knows my name.
On Saturday my dsd told me that in the summer holidays she and some mates got caught shoplifting and she got taken to the police station and got a reprimand. As a result of this she is banned from the shop in question for life.
She told me because her dad was going to take her to this shop on Sunday and she was terrified they'd recognise her and he'd find out.
Her mum knows and they both decided it was best not to tell him as he would have gone mad.
We got round it by her asking him if I could take her and we went to a different shop instead (its a chemist).
I agreed not to tell him as its in the past now and they are getting on well at the moment.
But now I feel so disloyal. If he ever found out I knew and didn't tell him he'd be devastated but she trusted me enough to confide in me and I don't want to break her trust.
What would you do?

I'd be FURIOUS with the birth mum of this girl for keeping the info from your DH. My DH's ex has a habit of keeping certain snippets of info from DH and we only get to know about it when it's time to come in with the big guns, IYSWIM. Your DH has a right to know about these things, it is not down to his exW to decided what he knows and what he doesn't.

It has put you in a very uncomfortable position.

to decide

She's always hiding things too. She says its to avoid a row, but I'm not so sure. I'm worried that if she finds out I know she might use it against him next time they have a row i.e. "well 'disloyal' knew this and didn't tell you".
Oh why did she tell me - I feel such a shit!

dsd told you because she trusts you, which is good.

I honesty think I'd have to sit down with DH and discuss it with him. Especially if you are concerned that exW will chuck it into DH's face at the next fraught moment.

Sorry you are in this position, but I think you should tell him. Yes he will be mad, but not at you, make sure your dsd is not there when you tell him and then try to talk it through with him. As you say, if he finds out that you knew and didn't tell him that will do so much damage to your relationship.

Maybe you dsd did this on purpose? How do you 2 get on? How old is she?

Good luck X

Yes you are in an awkward position, poor you.
I wouldn't tell your DP - you would be betraying the hard earned trust of you DSD. Instead I'd try to pursuade your DSD to tell her father.

If I tell him though, I feel like she will never trust me again and it will damage my relationship with her. Its not the sort of thing he can ignore - he'll have to tell her I told him.
She's 13 and we've always got on really well and have a kind of big sister/little sister relationship.

Tricky one. Imo it is ok to have little secrets with the dskds but not a big one like this. what I would do in your situation is tell your dh the truth but ask him to say nothing about it as you don't want dsd to feel she cant trust you. He does need to know but he doesn't necessarily need to do anything about it.

In that case talk to her and try to pursuade her to tell him and say that you will be there for her, but in the long run it will be better if she tells him rather than him finding out from someone else.

Explain to her that it is very difficult for you to know this secret, because you don't have secrets from her father.

She is only 13 and what she did was wrong but I am sure she knows that but she will feel much better if it is out in the open.

If your DSD told you in confidence, then I would respect that.
It is annoying that her mother made the decision not to tell your DH though - I would speak to the mother with regard to that.

You should not have been put in this position. Can you talk to dsd's mother and explain that she needs to tell dh about the shoplifting.

Would agree that he needs to know but that your DSD should tell him. You can tell him before hand so that he doesn't explode (if that is likely) and then your DSD won't need to know that you told.

In the long run this could be one of those scenarios that could work out really well in the long run if handled properly. (Not saying that shoplifting is OK of course!). But if you warn your DH what happened, persuade your DSD to be mature and tell him herself etc. If your DH manages to remain calm and have a "grown-up" conversation with her about this, it could augur well for future issues in a way that will make her comfortable with talking to you both about things.

Agree with Poppies & Pindy - poor old you and yes you're right indeed you could get caught in the middle, and again right I think that you can't tell DH - not without warning her at least, that would destroy the trust.

I would ask either the ExW or - best yet DSD to tell him; if she could bring herself to do it, it might disarm him enough not to get too heavy after all it would be such an impressive/grown-up thing to do - think that's the tack to take with her, you say you have a big sis relationship; talk to her like a grown-up, point out how likely it is to come out somehow (since it nearly came out already), and worse if he stumbles over it; and that you feel so bad at keeping secrets from him. If that fails, tell the Ex you know, she might be genuinely unaware & might shock her into acting the grown-up herself!

Good luck, dearie, sympathies

Thanks for all your replies.
I'm the one with most to loose here aren't I. His dd will get a bollocking but she's still his dd iykwim and he already hates his ex so her keeping secrets is par for the course but me, well I'm the one he should be able to trust and I'm very hot on no secrets and total honesty in our relationship, so I can't keep something like this from him can I?
If I talk to the ex or dsd they'll try to persuade me to keep quiet though and I really want dsd to be able to talk to me. She has told me things before but its always been silly teenage stuff (falling out with boyfriends, mad things that have gone on at parties, how some of her friends smoke/drink etc) which I've never bothered to tell him because I don't think he'd be concerned, but this is too big to keep from him.
I really don't need this grief

If you are worried they'll convince you to keep quiet, then I would just make it very clear that you don't appreciate being caught in the middle, and while you don't want to break dsd's trust, you feel very strongly that dh should know. Offer to be there with dsd when she tells him so you can help mediate (and calm!) the conversation. Tell dsd and ex wife together that either they tell him, or you will. Re-itereate that dsd can still come to you about anything, but that it's not acceptable for them to put you in a difficult position with the man who trusts you.