Struggling with Badly behaved 5yr old

[Stepfloss]

Hi all, I really need some advice!!
My partner and i have been together 2 years and he has 2 children, an 8yr old boy and a 5yr old girl. his little boy is an absolute angel, very easy going, well behaved, loving and caring, its not very often he acts up. his little girl on the other hand is angry about 90% of the time, she is badly behaved most of the time, she is violent, aggressive and gets very nasty very quickly, when she is having a happy moment though she is full of love and you'd never imagine she could be anything else.
both kids are treated very differently, the boy gets in trouble for everything, and the girl gets in trouble for almost nothing. since coming into the family, ive been quite zero tolerance to this and i have tried to treat them both fairly. whoever is naughty gets punished and i always stick to my word.
lately we have had some issues with the girl because she has been quite nasty towards me and there are no consequences. for example, i watched her walk up to her brother and punch him in the face for no reason and when i asked her to apologise she looked at me and told me she hated me so much she wanted to get a toy metal car and beat me in the head until i died. pretty insane for that to come out of a 5yr olds mouth. her father heard and sent her to her room and she said no and that was that, she didnt have to go. shes been saying things like this to me almost every day, or spitting on my things, and i am at a loss as to what to do, im starting to get anxiety when i know they will be coming to stay with us because it gets draining to be spoken to so poorly everyday by someone. can someone please give me some advice on what to do? i try and show her love rather than anger when she reacts this way but it seems to do nothing and now there is a large strain between my partner and i because he says its normal for little girls as his sister was the same but that worries me because his sister has a lot of psychological issues and is on a huge amount of medication to control her and he holds so much resentment towards her because he was so badly treated by her as kids that he thinks shes faking it and i dont want to see his kids grow up the same way. please help.

I have no real advice, sorry, but this

both kids are treated very differently, the boy gets in trouble for everything, and the girl gets in trouble for almost nothing.

jumped out a mile.

It's hardly surprising she is acting out if she sees her brother as being held up as the golden child.

Oh hang on, sorry, I read that completely the wrong way round

You can't do anything, if her dad is happy to parent this way then all you will do by putting in consequences is make yourself the bad guy.

Is this what you want for yourself? Do you want children with him, he'd parent them in the same way. The only real choice you have is if you stay and carry on like this or if you run for the hills. Personally I think you are worth more than this relationship.

What about finding someone to talk with her? It sounds like she's harbouring some feelings. I can't help but fear for her. My DP had to go see people from the age of 5, turned he's Bi-polar

Turned out

Feel for her not fear, god damn phone

Until her df takes a stand against her behaviour you are pissing in the wind I am afraid.

Its such a tough situation because everyone in the family have mentioned that her behaviour has improved since ive been in her life but at the same time my relationship with my partner is going south. Ive had about 6 months off work so i drop the kids to school and pick them up, and i look after them until their dad comes home and i cook and clean and what not and so my partner wants me to have input in how the kids are raised but when it comes to me voicing my concerns on her behaviour he accuses me of hating her and saying she is who she is and thats that and god that worries me! A 5 year old girl should not be angry all the time, should not get enjoyment out of hurting others, even other family members have commented that they think she will go to jail when shes older or she will end up an awful teenager. I hate seeing her like this and i hate seeing her brother be punished for her downfalls while she gets away with it but i dont know what im supposed to do.

I would seriously consider getting the girl to see someone

A few thoughts and questions..

Where is their mum? Do they live with you?
How much time do they get alone and 1:1 with their Dad?
What is behind your DP's decision on the different parenting of them?
Is DSD angry in other places - school, GP's house, mum's?
I agree that a five-year-old should not be angry so much and your DP should help her (and also get some advice on parenting her).
Your partner is sending mixed messages to you about wanting your help and involvement but then not taking your views into account. It is really hard to be a stepmum but if your DP doesn't see you as a team then things will be even harder.
I feel sad for DSS - he sounds like he is putting up with a lot and is getting a raw deal from his dad.

They are with their mum 9 night's out of a fortnight and 5 nights with us. In saying that, they have a babysitter every afternoon until 8pm so they dont see her often and she does send them to her mothers house on the weekends she has them.
When the kids are here, i try to leave them with their dad for either a full or half day on the weekend and for a few hours on a weeknight so they have some Dad time and also so i get some time to de-stress!
His Daughter is angry with everyone around her in the family and extended family. The only place she isnt is at school and its my belief that thats because she has boundaries there.
There are definitely mixed messages,and its getting exhausting and very upsetting. I am not a bad person and i want his little girl to be happy and i know shes not.
And i know that his son isn't happy either. He has told me a few times that he really doesnt like his sister and he likes me because im the only one thats fair. He believes his sister is the favourite and no matter what he does,he will get in trouble and she will get away with murder.

Has anyone tried to ascertain why she is experiencing such a high level of anger? Is the bad behaviour a direct result from these feelings? There is a difference between bad behaviour which is cheekiness, trying to manipulate, get away with things, and bad behaviour that is the expression of much seeded emotions.

It's surprising that with such behaviour, she would be the one getting all the positive attention and preferential treatment. Do you think it's just because she's a girl?

I wonder what came first - the anger or the bad behaviour? Perhaps someone has told your DP to lovebomb his daughter as a way of diffusing her anger or encouraging her to behave better? It does seem odd that he would be so hard on his son though.

There is no way she should be allowed to physically hurt others without consequences. It's interesting that you say she behaves well at school. It may very well be the boundaries and it shows that she can behave when she wants to and that she understands different rules in different places. What is your DP's view of that?

Life is tricky for 8-year-old boys - lots of emotions and big feelings. Is there any way he can spend some 1:1 time with his Dad each weekend - could the two of them go off together and do something for a couple of hours?

Overall, I'd be having a long chat with my OH, setting out what I would like to change/happen. I guess that would include professional help for DSD and him/you, boundaries (and rewards) explained, set and enforced fairly for both children, 1:1 time for DP with DSS and not making him the whipping boy any more.

he says its normal for little girls as his sister was the same
No. This isn't normal behaviour for ANY CHILD - boy or girl. It's only his personal experience.

but that worries me because his sister has a lot of psychological issues and is on a huge amount of medication to control her and he holds so much resentment towards her because he was so badly treated by her as kids

And there it is. A family history of mental health issues and he's in denial that it could have been inherited by his dd.
The dynamic he's encouraging between the two dc is the same as it was when he was growing up - and he can't/won't see it.

I think you need to be very blunt with him. Ask him if he sees himself in his son and his sister in his dd....as an adult and with the benefit of hindsight - what would he do different?

As for your relationship, if he refuses to get his dd assessed and refuses to help her then you're in for a rough ride.

It might not even be a medical/mental health issue like it is with his sister. It could just be that the child is emotionally suffering from having an absent mother who doesn't spend time with her and the break up of her family.

Both parents are being neglectful in refusing to take the childs anger issues seriously.

OMGoodness, your life must be chaotic! Of course this is not normal behaviour, and it sounds like it wasn't for her aunt either. This child definately needs proffessional help, right now !
If I were you, I'd be seriously considering whether, if he cannot accept there is a problem, you should continue living with this man....his judgement and understanding of this situation is seriously lacking, and that should be a very loud warning bell!

This sounds quite potentially serious. You are right to be concerned and like above, get professional help. There seems to be some very unhealthy dynamics too, combined with a little girl who sounds like she needs help.