Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Words of support for dh please

16 replies

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 09:42

Ok, will try to keep it brief..

Dh and I have been together for 7 yrs and married for 2. We have a 1yo dd.

Dh is divorced and had an 8yo dd from first marriage.

Dd and ex-wife lived 5 mins away up until 2 years ago and dh had a 'reasonable' amount of contact with dd - pick up 1 day from school and siupposed to have her 3 out of 4 Sundays and overnight sat/sun once a month. Contact had gradually being getting less and less over the years, getting worse from when dh and I announced out engagement. Dh would go to see dd as arranged only to be told by ex that she didn't want to see him.

When they moved (200 miles away) and ex re-married, a contact order was requested by dh as he felt he couldn't trust ex to stick to a verbal agreement anymore. This was done and stuck to for the first year. However, dh has not seen dd since last April. Contact has broken down as ex says dd doesn't want to see dh and she says she won't 'force' her to. Dh went back to solicitors to enforce contact order. but ex told dd all about what was happening and just made things worse. Dh stopped legal proceedings as he knew it would not make any difference. Ex continues to influence dd with her behaviour and how she speaks about dh around her, and therfore dd feels she is betraying her mum by wanting to see her dad.

Final straw this weekend when on regular phone call to dd, she said 'Dad I don't want to see you anymore. You left my Mum and I don't want to see you until you leave (me) and (our daughter)'. She is 8!

I personally don't understand how any mum can happily sit back and watch how she is damaging her only child like this, but the real issue is now that Dh is at the point where he is thinking about just stopping trying to keep contact going. He was in tears last night and gone to work distraught today. He has been there for his daughter ever since they split and always seen her when allowed. He's never cancelled time with his dd, never been late and always paid the maintainance they agreed. Yet his ex seems to be hell bent of destroying any hope of a relationship between him and dd.

Have any other dads or stepmums been through this? What can I say to him? How have other people coped with not seeing their child?

(Sorry, that's not brief at all is it

OP posts:

Neena28 · 05/02/2007 09:46

Can you do cat poppiesmum? I will give you my number and we'll talk on the phone. We were in a very similar (almost identical i think) situation to you. It has improved a little but I ma happy to talk about it if you want

We have been together for 8 years now and have two children of our own too.

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 09:51

Hi Neena - yes I can do CAT! (I think)

OP posts:

FioFio · 05/02/2007 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Neena28 · 05/02/2007 09:54

I have no idea how it works so will wait and see what pops up from you. Doea it email me from you? I don't want to post me email address if that's ok as it is my name.

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 09:58

FioFio - Dh and ex had actually been apart for a year when we got together. It was 8 years ago and she's now re-married yet she's still behaving like this.

OP posts:

LittleSarah · 05/02/2007 10:04

I can't believe she is behaving like this after remarrying! I mean, not that it would be at all acceptable before but at least it would be a little more understandable!

I don't know what to say to help your dh. My ex sees dd regularly and I will not stop it but I guess some people let resentment cloud their judgement.

I think your dh just needs to keep in contact with his daughter as much as he can. I would personally go the legal route, if it is the only way, then it is the only way.

I also know that in time (my parents divorced) that his daughter will come to see what her mother is doing and understand his position more, especially if he fights to see her.

I am sorry he is being put through all this!

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 10:09

LittleSarah - I agree with what you are saying about dd coming round. We live in hope that as she gets older and is able to stand up to her mum and not be influenced by her feelings on the matter, she will want to re-start the relationship with her dad.

OP posts:

Freckle · 05/02/2007 10:18

And don't forget that her mum is preventing her from having a relationship with her sister too.

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 10:20

Absolutley Freckle...but to quote Dh's ex in a recent conversation "I don't give a s*@t about (dd)"

Nice.

That is the sort of person we are dealing with.

OP posts:

swift1 · 05/02/2007 12:17

HI Poppiesmum,

I really do sympathise - we've always had trouble on way or another with BM. This did lead my dh to say enough is enough and he stopped seeing his 2 children altogether.

It was done in the worst way podssible - dh and ex had a row on the phone, and he just never went round again. For 2 years. I know sd is saying she doesnt want to see him again until you are out if the picture but I would think this through very carefully. I cant imagine how my sk mustve felt when there dad stopped coming round. Although our situatuion is different to yours as dh did want to see him.

But I just wanted to let you know why my dh decided not to c his children. Firstly , almost everytime he went to the door there was hassle, and always infront of the children. THis used to really upset them and him. He did not want them seeing any nastines, and he felt that while he kept coming round , they would see it, so it was his way of protecting them. But he also stopped seeing them for himself , although this may sound selfish. It used to break his heart to have to ask to see his children, and to be given ground rules, and to not have his relationship encouraged with them when they wee at home with bm. He used to say it was like picking up a neighbours kids and babysittin ghtem for the day.

ANyway, he missed his children incredibly I know, although he rarely talked about it. And after 2 years he felt strong enough to go back round, and start again, and this time never give up. THis was 4 years ago and he now has a great relationship with his kids, no thanks to bm. Theres still the odd hassle, bu tthe kids are oldre now and can see who its coming from.

I hope this helps, I think your dh may just need to think about himself too ,thats all im saying. If my dd said those things to me, I would be devastated, and how many times can you out yourself through it.

Good luck.

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 12:33

Swift1 - thanks for your message. I am going to show them all to dh later. Dh has always been adament that he will keep in contact with his dd, as he doesn't want to be another divorced day who loses contact completely. However, he is in exactly the same situation with regards to the hassle. He gets nothing from the relationship with dd. Ex just makes everything difficult, and dd is torn between the two of them. Dh hasn't got a hope in hell of ever changing the way dd is being brought up as her mum is the biggest influence in her life and she is too young to know any different at the moment.

Dd never calls him, and when he calls her the calls are short, and often upsetting for dh as dd is usually rude. He hasn't seen her in a year and there is no sign that he will get to see her at any time in the future.

He is thinking at the moment to try and speak to dd and explain how her behaviour is making him feel, and that is she is saying she doesn;t want to see him, then he is not going to force the issue, but to reasssure her that she can phone him whenever she wants and that his door is always open for her. he will continue to write, but stop the calls as all he gets is grief.

I am glad that things are better for your dh now.

OP posts:

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 17:09

OP posts:

thephin · 05/02/2007 17:52

PoppiesMum,

Please let your DH know not to give up. His dd will come around in time. My mother tried to keep me from having a relationship with my dad. One day, I woke up - I had enough of her lies and manipulation and contacted my father after 10 years of not speaking to him. I have the best relationship ever with my dad and I am so happy I made the call.

It was hard growing up. If I even dared say I wanted to see my dad, she would find ways to make me feel guilty/shamed. I did not want to upset my mom either but my mom did not have the right to do what she did.

I am trying to help my own dh about what is going on with his children. Their BM is also playing headgames. It is wrong to include or use children against the other parent.

I am so sorry you and your dh are going through this. Just know that one day, his dd will come around. It may takes some time.

Thinking of you.

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 18:32

OP posts:

Original poster

PoppiesMum · 05/02/2007 20:20

bump for the evening mums & dads

OP posts:

KaySamuels · 07/02/2007 18:02

Your poor dh - my dps oldest often says he doesn't want to come and it must be heartbreaking for a parent to hear their child say that. ss's then mum says well I won't force him (with a smug grin), and we know it is that he feels guilty to leave his mum as sometimes when he is here his mum will text him to say her or the dog are missing him, she hasn't bothered to cook tea just for her etc.

If he sends letters does his daughter receive them?? When he calls maybe he could make it brief and say he will always love her and be there for her, point out he has always fought to spend time with her and he will be waiting for her to call or send him a letter.
Whether or not he persues it legally is up to him really I guess, but even if this is successful still may not be stuck to! My heart breaks for these good fathers who fight so hard for their own children, I hope it all works out for you in the end.
x

Flip