DH's adult DC - how long do I keep doing this for?

[BoxofSnails]

My DH has 3 children in their 20s, he is 15 years older than me, so I am in my 30s. He and his XW had a rather dramatic split, and with hindsight I should have waited longer before getting together with him. We've been together for 5 years, married for 3.

I have not met 2 of his DC, these two still live with mum, and DH goes over to see them once a week. I have missed his other child's marriage, amongst various family things, to encourage them to all get together.

This year his mum has a round number birthday, and a surprise weekend away has been arranged including aunts and all the grandchildren. I'm not going because it's important that all the grandchildren go. His XW is also going as she's known MIL for 30 years.

I have paid for it from my (our - but mine originally ) savings and I am still owed over £400. I have put my foot down finally when DH has been telling relatives that "Box is not coming just in case there's any unpleasantness" - I think I deserve to have it told how it is - I am not coming because 2 of the GC will otherwise refuse.

I don't know how else to handle this - was this a reasonable line in the sand to draw?
Is it usual for DH to mostly see his DC at his XW house? Even the one that's moved out that I do have a good relationship with probably sees him more at her mum's than hers or ours. I want him to have a good relationship with his children - but I guess I am feeling invisible.

Forcing yourself into these occasions won't make his children like you any sooner, so I think your instincts on that are correct.

You knew he had children who hadn't accepted you and you went ahead and married him. There is a consequence, and you're living it. I think that knowledge is what has stopped you speaking up for yourself sooner.

HOWEVER, what is his consequence? He's the one who left a marriage (from the sound of it) and got together with someone new before he had even divorced (and possibly while his family thought he was still working on things). And he's the one who decided to marry you, knowing that his DC wouldn't accept it at that time.

His consequence seems to be having his cake and eating it. All the advantages of both situations. Most unfair.

I would put my foot down, in any relationship, about my partner spending time at the home of someone they used to shag, or going on holiday with them. I don't think it's healthy and especially not in this case.

And what's with combining assets when he has DC he'll presumably want to leave money to? I really hope this isn't a 'what's yours is his and what's his is his own' scenario with money as well as time and affections, OP.

Liney/Sheldon - possibly that's true - they have always seems to believe I had a greater part than I did. It sounds like the marriage had been dead inside for a long time but there was quite some 'keeping up appearances' going on to the children at least - but what do I know. I wasn't there.

The family wedding and Christening situation has already happened - I wasn't invited to the first and found that tough, and again the other two children threatened not to come to the 2nd and so I backed out.

I imagine this family weekend is going to be very hard for XW, who has struggled most (understatement) and I actually think DH prevents her from moving on given that he knows how emotionally difficult she has found things.

Piglet no - as they were threatened not actual - and I hoped things would settle down.

I've wanted to speak to DH regarding the amount of time he's round there for some time - bit inwardly I am sure that my own issues have prevented it (I felt my father was never that bothered with me after divorcing my mum, and when he remarried they decided not to see me at all any more.) I realise I have let anything, however hurtful, happen to me in order for this not to be the fate of DHs DC but actually I have to remember that's his responsibility and not mine.

Thanks to all who have replied I have really appreciated it. Wish I'd namechanged, but never mind. Even painful advice is useful. And splitting up is not on the cards so working out how I live with this is necessary.

I can understand you going along with things at the beginning to placate his children but it seems everyone has taken this to be the 'new normal' and so it has carried on. Your DH probably can't believe his luck that he has all the advantages of his old married life plus a new wife that is willing to accept all this (and chip in to pay for it). Being generous, if you are going along with it, he won't rock the boat and upset his children, dm and ew. Particularly if they are likely to make life very difficult.

Being less generous, there was more crossover of the relationships than you realise and he's keeping you apart from anyone that might tell you that.

I imagine this family weekend is going to be very hard for XW, who has struggled most (understatement) and I actually think DH prevents her from moving on given that he knows how emotionally difficult she has found things

I think this is probably true, and very generous of you to say given that you're not getting a great deal out of it all either

Gosh op that's horrid to be disregarded like that, what happens at Christmas? You're DH needs to stick up for you his DC are now adults and they should behave in a way that's civil which doesn't include deliberately excluding you, their dad has another life as do they I'm sure as adults they wouldn't want conditions put on them. What happens if your DH were to pass away would you be excluded from the funeral? I don't know how you can live in this way and for your DH to condone it. I would be mortified if my DS treated his SM like this.