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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH's adult DC - how long do I keep doing this for?

55 replies

BoxofSnails · 18/09/2016 13:23

My DH has 3 children in their 20s, he is 15 years older than me, so I am in my 30s. He and his XW had a rather dramatic split, and with hindsight I should have waited longer before getting together with him. We've been together for 5 years, married for 3.

I have not met 2 of his DC, these two still live with mum, and DH goes over to see them once a week. I have missed his other child's marriage, amongst various family things, to encourage them to all get together.

This year his mum has a round number birthday, and a surprise weekend away has been arranged including aunts and all the grandchildren. I'm not going because it's important that all the grandchildren go. His XW is also going as she's known MIL for 30 years.

I have paid for it from my (our - but mine originally ) savings and I am still owed over £400. I have put my foot down finally when DH has been telling relatives that "Box is not coming just in case there's any unpleasantness" - I think I deserve to have it told how it is - I am not coming because 2 of the GC will otherwise refuse.

I don't know how else to handle this - was this a reasonable line in the sand to draw?
Is it usual for DH to mostly see his DC at his XW house? Even the one that's moved out that I do have a good relationship with probably sees him more at her mum's than hers or ours. I want him to have a good relationship with his children - but I guess I am feeling invisible.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 18/09/2016 18:15

This isn't helpful but mil's sibling won't meet their stepmum which caused issues as we invited her to our wedding - they've been married 20 years (longer than he was married to their mum). I think they're bonkers and she's really nice but people are weird. My uncle was accused of moving on too quickly after my auntie died - she died 10years earlier!

NNChangeAgain · 18/09/2016 18:52

Unless you were the OW & then it's understandable from the DCs point of view.

Hardly understandable from the exW PoV though Confused

IhatchedaSnorlax · 18/09/2016 19:48

NN, unless I've missed something though, it's 2 of the DC saying they won't go, not the exW.

NNChangeAgain · 18/09/2016 19:52

unless I've missed something though, it's 2 of the DC saying they won't go, not the exW.

The exW is hosting all contact.

DCs refusing to spend time with a stepparent is not unusual even if there hasn't been infidelity, as I know from personal experience.

it's very unusual for an ex to continue to invite a cheating ex spouse back to their home to spend time with their adult DCs, though!

Original poster
BoxofSnails · 18/09/2016 19:55

They are entitled not to want a relationship with me full stop, whatever the reason. DH's split was only 6 months prior. I think he was still spending a fair bit of time round there though - but then, he is now - and so it must have felt pretty confusing to them. Also entirely understandable - and they may still blame me regardless of whether it's my "fault", as such. None of this will have been helped by their mum having logged into DH's emails and read out to the children a whole string that he'd kept from when we'd first met. Yes, he changed his passwords after that but I guess the damage that sort of thing does can be significant.

I can't change what the children do but I can certainly say to my DH that I am unhappy that he is off playing Happy Families on a weekly basis 5 years down the line, and see what he does about things. Thanks all, this has straightened my head a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoxofSnails · 18/09/2016 19:57

Just realised that it's not clear, the email event was about a year later. Sounds like there was crossover - there really wasn't though with hindsight 6 months was too soon.

OP posts:
howtodowills · 18/09/2016 20:38

Your DH is a knob for going away on a weekend. Away with his EX and not you.

(Unless you are completely fine with it?)

IhatchedaSnorlax · 18/09/2016 20:56

Op, you must be some sort of Saint to put up with that. It really is out of order (especially given your update about no crossover period).

Your DH sounds like an idiot - giving out mixed signals to his ex potentially & not insisting to his own DM that you're his family now & therefore MUST be included. Good luck - hope you get things sorted.

LineyReborn · 18/09/2016 21:00

Well in that case it is very strange and odd and unacceptable.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 18/09/2016 22:18

Frankly, it does sound like the boundaries between your dh's marriage ending & him setting up home with you were a little....blurred.

It doesn't really matter whose fault that is (quite possibly not yours!) - the dc may just not want anything to do with you.

MIL is going to want her ds & dgc at her party; you aren't ever going to win that one if your partner's dc don't want you there.

I'd back off - but stop bankrolling.

fruitatthebottom · 18/09/2016 22:30

I think the children have been led to believe (rightly or wrongly) that you were the ow. Most kids in their 20's will not expect their Dad to go and see them at Mums house, surely they would make their own arrangements?! Either way this is now down to your DH to either put his foot down with his family and insist you are either invited or he doesn't go.

mixety · 19/09/2016 07:06

The children not wanting to see you is one thing.

Your DH seeing them every week at his ex's house 5 years later is another.

But quite the worst is this family weekend of HIS mother's which his ex wife is going to and you are not. Regardless of the logic behind putting the GC's presence first, that must just be incredibly hurtful for you. Your DH needs to see that things having got to this stage - or rather not having got past this stage after 5 years - is a sign he needs to start working on changing this setup.

If the adult DC won't countenance you then at the least he needs to be pulling away from his ex. I say that as soneone whose DP sees a lot of his ex, but then we are all friends and I am not excluded from it all. But in your situation your DH seems to have become blind to the enormous disrespect he is showing you.

fastdaytears · 19/09/2016 07:12

I know it's a commonly said thing here that adult DC don't have to accept new partners, particularly not if they were OW or OM, and of course no one has to do anything, but in my family and friends everyone eventually seems to sort it out. I know that's not everyone's experience but it is mine. Time and space help. But you've already waited 5 years...

I think seeing them at your DH's ex's house is stopping the relationship moving on and they're still seeing their parents as one unit. It doesn't make any sense given their ages. The only person who can help here though is your DH. I think if "contact" (ridiculous when we're talking about adults) moved to a pub or neutral space then that would really help.

I don't think your MIL should be inviting her exDIL to her weekend away either.

Weird boundaries all round.

Lilaclily · 19/09/2016 07:14

He and his family are facilitating his ex and his children's isolation of you

He needs to start saying 'yes mum and kids we will come to the weekend but both of us will be coming '
He needs to invite his kids round for Sunday lunch at your house

What on earth happens at Christmas?

What a bitch reading out the emails too. Why did they split up ? Does she have another partner ?

fastdaytears · 19/09/2016 07:15

What a bitch reading out the emails too

Yes, that is pretty shocking!

AuntieStella · 19/09/2016 07:18

Your emails were meant just for him, but if they commented on his DC and/or their mother, and were in any way critical of them, I can see how the situation has settled as it has.

I do not think you can change how his family wishes to arrange invitations, just as you have already accepted that you can neither induce nor force his DC to want to meet you.

Do not put your foot down btw. The unpleasantness that your DH wants to avoid is a major row in his family (who will all side with the DC, making your position worse).

Your situation really hasn't changed from the outset. I think it's time to abandon hope that it will. And decide whether (and how) you live with this.

Starryeyed16 · 19/09/2016 07:22

It seems that your DH DC think there's been cross over from breaking up from their DM and getting with you which sadly isn't the case but their DM wouldn't have helped matters reading personal emails I think this is the reason contact is so minimal between you's.

They don't have to see you but they do not have a right to treat you like a second class citizen either. Your DH going to exs house to see them is odd, surely they live else where especially if one is pregnant/ had baby.

Another thing is this is one event what about when he's kids get married will you be excluded from that event or you said his DD is having a baby will you be excluded from christenings, birthdays? You've got to ask yourself can you put up being sidelined all the time. Your are his spouse and you should be treated as such, if you allow this to continue this will set the presence for the rest of your marriage.Flowers

Thinkingblonde · 19/09/2016 07:26

Has anyone else picked up on the OP's comment about the EXW suicide attempts, two attempts to assault OP and laying down in front of his car to stop him from leaving? The ex has every one where she wants them, they are all scared she will pull another suicide attempt.

Yayme · 19/09/2016 07:31

I think the first reasonable thing to do is for him to stop visiting his children at his ex-wife's house. He can meet them elsewhere or at your home.

Then family occasions should be you not the ex. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. If it means him bowing out of family occasions well so be it. He should be putting you first.

mixety · 19/09/2016 07:43

I do not think you can change how his family wishes to arrange invitations

I interpreted that OP was actually invited but her DH had strong armed her into not going. Clearly there was some expectation among his relatives that OP would attend, as he has been going round making excuses to them about why she isn't.

LineyReborn · 19/09/2016 07:45

Was he still living in the family home when you met him, or was he living independently? This all seems so extreme.

ApocalypseSlough · 19/09/2016 07:50

You're seen as the OW- whether you were or not is moot. DH needs to step and defend you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/09/2016 08:01

Has anyone else picked up on the OP's comment about the EXW suicide attempts, two attempts to assault OP and laying down in front of his car to stop him from leaving?

I hope you reported the assaults OP.

The ex has every one where she wants them, they are all scared she will pull another suicide attempt.

^ This

LineyReborn · 19/09/2016 08:26

I've just re-read about him 'spending a fair bit of time round there' ie at the family home, after the split.

I'm not sure this was a split. I think it was perceived by the rest of the family as a trial separation or some sort of temporary measure. (Where was he staying?)

Otherwise none of the rest makes sense.

SheldonsSpot · 19/09/2016 11:27

The EW is totally unhinged.

And/or your DH has been flexible with the truth about their actual split, the timings, etc. I think perhaps, Unknown to you, there may have been some trial separation/working on the marriage when you came on the scene.

Your DH is still half married to his EW. And you're funding family holidays that include the EW and exclude you? Really? Give your head a wobble and ask yourself why you're putting up with this.