Overnights and maintainance

[Starla268]

Honestly not sure how to think about this issue so would appreciate any thoughts and guidance from others in similar situations (long time lurker but not posted before)

Been with DH for 6ish years, married for 2, new baby on the way in a couple of months. DSD is about to turn 10, I've known her since she was 4/5, we have a wonderful relationship and I love the bones of her. Things are pretty harmonious between us and her mum (DSD was the result of a one night stand so there was never any real romantic relationship there) and we manage childcare between us but DSD spends the majority of her time at her mums.

Since our baby news I'm being asked/expected to take on more of the childcare for DSD (I've had a lot of leave to use up so have done most of summer hols for example and am down to do holidays for the year I'm off work) which I'm more than happy to do - I love spending time with her and think it will be lovely for her to spend time with her new sibling.

On top of this DH and ex are now discussing a new arrangement whereby we would have DSD mon/tue/fri/sat/sun one week and mon/tue/fri the alternate week as well as me doing the majority of the holidays (DH works so most of the childcare will be down to me while she is with us). On top of this I'm the only car driver amongst us and DSD lives around a half hour drive from our place which is also where her school is so I'll be doing that run every school day that she is with us plus for all drop offs/pick ups from her mums.

Having worked out the numbers this looks to me like DSD will now be with us over half of the nights in the next year and so I'm wondering what should happen to maintainance payments in this case? I really don't want to upset the applecart but am already slightly anxious about how I'm going to manage for cash on my year off work without all the extra petrol/food/washing/treats etc that having DSD with us will entail.

Haven't discussed with DH yet but wanted to get some thoughts from you guys?

The more detail you've filled in the less mad it sounds, actually.

You and DH having made the desicion to move 30 mins from DSD school when you knew you were the only driver makes it all make more sense.

And I'm actually glad you're both looking at the bigger picture and not raising a maintenance revision at the moment, even though you could. Two reasons - it risks the current good co- parenting relationship which is so valuable and important for DSD as well as your child and her other half sibling. And it sounds like her morher's relationship is pretty shit and that money might make a big difference to her being able to leave it.

So good on you all and wishing you all the best.

And if you're on AIBU in a few months bemoaning having signed up for long school runs before you had any idea of how sleep deprivation feels we promise to offer sensible advice and not say much that we told you so.

Ahh fab then.

As long as you aren't paying all the costs for both children's daily cost and clothes and meals on your own then I see no issues if you are happy to have your step daughter.

If you do end up with 50/50 then I think it is fair to discuss lowering financial support to Mum especially if it lessons her childcare.

Your step daughter is a lucky girl to have three adults who care.

You sound very sensible and as others have said, you sound like you have a great relationship with your DSD and her mum. Everyone involved is very lucky that is is so harmonious.

Great that you have a back up plan for the car journeys if baby doesn't take well to them. There is simply nothing worse.

Good luck and I hope all goes well when the baby arrives xxx

Somerville, thank you - that message made me smile! Lets hope I don't end up on AIBU but I do appreciate that as yet I have no idea how hard having a new baby will hit me! I do have a lot of support nearby so fingers crossed we will be ok.

And thanks Yoda and London - yes we are all very lucky, I often think that as I read all the threads on here; but it hasn't always been easy and has taken a lot of work on all our parts. I think the important thing is to always keep the DC at the centre and remember that you are all working towards getting the best outcome for them and that helps pull you all in the same direction. Not always as easy as that mind you and we have certainly had our share of arguments, frustrations and tears but I think we are in a pretty good place.

I'll try and keep up with this board once baby is here and fill you in on the trials and tribulations and hopefully contribute to some of the other threads too - my first post has been a lovely experience! :)

Hope you do stick around, Starla: this thread and your attitude are breaths of fresh air compared to many maintenance/step parenting threads on here.

I absolutely agree wih Somerville - what a refreshing change. I wonder if it helps that you grew up in a blended family?

I would love an update (if you've any time!) when you are a few months in. I don't think you'd be human if you didn't end up with a small amount of resentment for having to do that drive twice a day a few times a week and not being able to sign up to the baby yoga class/go to the baby group you really want to etc - but you seem really happy to make the sacrifice so hopefully I'm wrong!

Lots of love and luck to you all. Keep up the good work!

Thanks guys

I'll definitely try and update. Yes I think it does help that I have such a big blended family myself, I'm quite used to negotiating and chaos!

Are you stepmothers yourselves?

I'm not a SM but I'm engaged and have children so my children have a soon-to-be-stepfather. Hence me hanging around on the step-parenting board sometimes for pointers.

Our situation is quite far from the standard one as I'm widowed. So the challenges of our blend are fairly unique but there are many, many joys for all of us too.

Lots of positive updates in your posts today Starla, particularly hearing about the flexibility surrounding the school run and the financial considerations.

Not a step mum either, I'm a lone parent. Though I do have a wonderful step dad.

Hello Starla.
I am a step mum and mother to my own, and I have lived a decade in the vein I think you intend Starla.
It's a wonderful life, and also, please note, it could be said that it is the hardest thing I've ever done!

I want to say to you - stay positive, it is workable. And keep your sunny and kind disposition. I have agreed to do regular school runs for step children, help with homework rather than leave this to busy/absent parents, treat them to my home life (as in I am the only parent home for some hours). I provide this loving input as an alternative to after school clubs, I take them to sports games which they'd otherwise miss. I feel proud of myself. My good relationship with my step children is testament to the relentless effort of me being consistently giving (not a door mat, just a very supportive adult).

Of course, I have felt taken for granted at times. My husband, also step-parent to my lot, feels side lined and unappreciated sometimes. It comes with the territory of step parenting.

So here are my views.

1. As a pregnant mum, you have no idea how wonderful and demanding the love for your new baby is going to be. Brace yourself. You will feel torn between step child's and baby's needs, and you will struggle to manage the expectations of hubby and his ex. When times get tough, you will think it would have been easier to have married a childless man, but accept the now. Your man has child no1 already.

1. Your step daughter will find you dispensable for some of her teenage years, and this will start soon.

( Her Dad - wonderful. Mum - can love then hate. Step Mum - can disregard as a human being for chunks of time with no remorse and no apology).. (and Mum and Dad will concede that quite frankly as you are step mum they agree you are not central to the child's needs). ALSO, step daughters are harder than sons I say. And... Dad will, at times, seem to prefer child.no1 to spending time with you and new baby!!! For example, this could be on the day you leave hospital with your newborn.

1. You will be hurt. And will stiĺl do the right thing for the child even when it pushes your tired body and mind to the brink.

1. The ex has no love for you and so when it doesn't go her way, and especially if her own relationship is stressful, she can callously throw mud at you. Even after all you do.

However, truly, IT IS ALL WORTH IT. You will have your integrity and you will have your marriage and family and your step daughter.

Being part of the solution for your loving husband, and not part of his web of problems with having a child with an ex partner, brings cohesion and comfort to everybody and you will have a wonderful blended family.

But have your eyes open and don't take on too much. Parents in law, the step child's family, the ex wife; they don't love you as one of their own, and if they criticise you when you are on your knees with a baby, when back at work, and your husband is a bit clinical and doesn't acknowledge your hurt in the way you need, then resentment in you can lead to heart break.

I have had some low moments, and I have pulled through and I now reap the rewards, so please learn from this:

Don't take on too much. Pace yourself.
UNDER PROMISE and OVER PROVIDE.

(For info (not a quiet boast but to give you perspective) I work, i am not on any benefit, we have a cleaner and a house big enough to house us all, two cars. I would not tolerate my hubby not driving. My husband is a good man not a Disney Dad, we have love and morals in common. If I need him he knows I really need his help. It's easier now the children are bigger and we don't need babysitters. It's been expensive to keep on top of our sanity, so i advise- start squirrelling away money so when it is helpful to throw money at a problem then you don't feel guilty. Eg I might buy dinner out. Or get hair done. Or book a weekend away with the hubster. Or buy another computer so I don't have to referee kids sharing! I smiled at the spreadsheet thing... my hubby does this about other things, not money. He loves me, sees it as an explanatory modelling thing, but I want him to give me some heart moreoften. Over time we have a better joint attitude and money is now joint. But prior to this I funded big ticket items costing thousands for my stepchildren and I don't regret it.)

I love my step children like my own, well nearly.nearly.nearly. like my own. I treat them the same and I am as consistent as I can be. They love me nearly like their mum.

Good luck with the birth (I had a c-section section for my first and felt very well and happy with it. I enjoyed staying in hospital 5 days and not driving for 6 weeks.).

The beginning of a new chapter!

Sorry, I've only just seen some of these replies!

Somerville, I'm so sorry for your loss but congratulations on your engagement and the joys of your new blended family.

modernfemininity. thank you for your really positive and encouraging post :)

Your advice is very good and I will definitely heed it! I'm quite aware that teenage DSD is likely to be very different to DSD now (I was a teenage DSD myself and had times of being quite awful to my SM but we are super close again now - so hopefully I can learn a little from her approach to me all those years ago!)

I'm also very aware that DSD's mother has no reason to pay much attention to my feelings (and have been acutely aware of that at times!) I don't think I would ever be in a position where I was side-lined by her and my husband as their relationship is not at all close and my and DH are very much a team and hopefully quite open with one another.

I love what you say about being part of the solution for DH - this is something that took me a while to learn but I think I am there with this one now - in the very early days I did used to resent being 'used' for lifts by DSD's mother and arguments about this, and me putting my foot down, used to leave DH feeling very stuck in the middle (not wanting to upset me but not wanting to cause problems with DSDs mum who can be difficult if she wants to be) but I think as time has gone on and I've come to see us as more of a family unit in our own right I enjoy doing things to support that family unit - even if that does mean helping out DSD's mum to keep her sweet - and actually we get on much better now than we used to.

Also totally appreciate what you say about not taking on too much and having my eyes open - I have a lot of support behind me from my own family who are good at telling me when I am taking on too much (a habit I have at work and at home!) and my own DM is also very good at gently prodding DH to step up when he needs to (they have a very good relationship).

We also have a cleaner (and a gardener recently!) so I am lucky in that I don't have full responsibility for keeping the house together (we often encourage others to get a cleaner - even just an hour or so a week - it's definitely improved our marriage!).

Your family sounds lovely and well done on ten years of being a SM! Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom - your post has given me a real boost.

(Oh and you'll all be glad to hear that when I was asked this week if I could facilitate DSD going to a new gymnastics class I pleasantly but firmly said "not right now but perhaps we can look at it again when DH is driving and can do it himself" - so I have listened to you all - and everybody was fine with that! )

OP - I'm very glad to hear you've felt able to say no to gymnastics, and that you weren't challenged.

I read your first post, wondering if you were a saint or a doormat (and I say that kindly), I think you have amazing intentions but please think of yourself and your baby.

Thanks Petal! I hope I'm not either (a saint or a doormat that is!) just a woman trying to navigate the murky waters of blended families in a way that keeps everyone sane and (reasonably) happy!

I was quite pleased with myself for saying no, I think my expectations of how people will react if I do say no are probably quite off the mark, nobody batted an eyelid, so I will try and put this into practice more often in the coming months!

We've stated the new arrangements already (I'm using flexi time at work and finish next Thurs) and so far so good - we're using breakfast club as it means traffic is better so I can usually do the morning run in 20 - 25 mins each way - but we'll wait and see how it goes when baby arrives!

DH has booked his theory test and is cramming in the lessons so I'm hoping he'll be on the road in the new year

Starla you have received lots of replies! I hope it isn't too overwhelming.

I have had 7 years of being SM and also had a baby. I didn't have such a good relationship as you with your DSD, which is fantastic for you.

I think it is good advice not to take on too much though - there is a good rule I heard from someone else - always take on quite a bit LESS than you think that you can cope with at first. The days you've outlined might well be feasible, but it is much easier to work up to this, without any expectations or pressure. Rather than have to tiredly, or stressed out realise that it is too much.

You'd hate to let your DSD down, so setting her expectations low too to begin with would help her. You're effectively becoming a co parent in every sense of the word. Take it is little steps. Good luck it.