AIBU to be cross about DH pandering to DSD, or a witch?

[steppinstone]

That's it really... DH does EVERYTHING for DSD; all laundry, cooking, cleaning, wakes her up in the morning, makes her lunchboxes, collects her from everywhere at a drop of a hat. etc. He won't leave her alone in the evening because she doesn't like being on her own.

She has no friends - but I think these things are related: she is so 'entitled' and dependent and she gets cross with people for not 'obeying' her.

I am sick of it. I am refusing to cook for her and clean for her any more - I just leave them to it. It makes me dislike DSD and think DH is just a sap.

She is depressed - because of her lack of friends mainly - and is seeing CAMHS. So I think DH feels that he needs to look after her. But I just see it all as enabling more and more infantile dependent behaviour which makes her more and more unpleasant.

AIBU or a witch? Frankly I would like to like in a nice witchy cavern on my own at the moment.

DSD is 18.

MUJunkie, that sounds ideal to me. I don't want to dictate to him what the right thing to do is. How did you come to that decision?

It was extremely difficult! I was depressed, it got to the point where I was spending most days shut away in the bedroom, crying a lot! I couldn't stand being there anymore, it didn't feel like my home. I couldn't so much as mention dsds name without him completely overreacting and flying off the handle, saying I had a vendetta against her
I also had ds to think of, he was 12 at the time, I didn't want him thinking this was normal! Even at his age he used to say things about it and knew it wasn't right, But at the same time if he was asked to do anything it was "why should I, they don't do anything"
I was going to leave and end the relationship tbh, but I love my partner with all my heart and we decided to give it a try living apart! It's been nearly 3 and a half years since I moved out and were actually probably closer than we were living together! I've told him it's not a case of us NEVER living together, but when the "kids" have all gone!
It was a case of if I didn't leave when I did I honestly think I'd have had a nervous breakdown!

MUJunkie, that sounds just how I feel. Right down to living in the bedroom! If the house was bigger, it might be easier, or if we had more than one living room/kitchen etc - it's all open plan. I've been waking in the night feeling like I'm losing my mind. I know it would be really expensive but I wonder if it's a better solution.

My father killed himself when me and my brother were tiny (3.5/me and 6 months/brother). I did not know this until very recently (I am 44) and thought he had had a heart attack.

My brother is 'apparently' very similar to my father and my mother and stepfather have pandered to him his whole life as far as I can see because they are terrified he might do something. IMO it has been extremely unhealthy for him.

He has some MH issues but I think they are much worse because nobody has ever been open about my father and because my parents have tried to 'handle' him by never pointing out when he is being a dick. He has this got away with murder.

He hasn't spoken to me for 9 years because of some perceived slight and it has driven a real wedge between me and my parents.

You DH needs to wise up OP.

Bohemond, I'm sorry. That sounds so grim. :(

One of the main things I worried about was starting again from scratch with no money or furniture! I was lucky that my parents could lend me a deposit for somewhere and my family helped out with furniture to put me on. It actually wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be!
I image the living apart wouldn't work for most couples but it can be done, I'm so much happier! I still get wound up, but I know I can go home so it doesn't drain the life out of me. When I was there I felt trapped!

And I know what you mean about feeling like your losing your mind! Dp always made out I was overreacting, why shouldn't he do stuff for his daughter, what's my problem with her? Etc. I started wondering if I was making a big deal over it! But I know I wasn't, everyone including his own family had said to me that he needs to stop!
Dsc's mum left when they were young & like pp's have said, it's probably that over compensating thing!
Dsd hasn't spoken to her mum for about 6 months because she basically told her it was time she grew up and DP should stop doing everything for her. She burst into tears, wouldn't come out of her room for days & DP did everything he could to make her feel better! I went home during that little episode...I knew I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue lol!

Thanks steppin.

To be honest, although I think my parents (stepfather adopted us) were very wrong not to tell us, I am glad that I didn't know; certainly when I was a teenager.

I think it may have come to define me in that teenager emo kind of a way. I am a happy go lucky, optimistic sort of a person and knowing now has had no bad effect on me whatsoever. It happened, it was in the past etc etc.

Having said that, I just cannot imagine how awful it must have been for my mum.

MUJunkie, that's great you came up with this compromise. Sometimes that's what you need to do, just find the solution that works for you. Just wondering, has it change your relationship with your SD too? Do you find that being away from her madame-like attitude, you are able to enjoy some other aspects of her, or is it a case that you are now having nothing to do with each other at all?

I'm always quite curious because I grew up hating my SM and she didn't think much of me either! In my case, it's me who moved very far away at 16, so we had little contact, and that made it much easier. Instead, she focused her attention on her daughter and ended up alienating her! In any case, I started to get closer to my dad and her when I had my first child and year on year, we started to get along better to the point where now, we are very fond of each other. Saying that, we still far away, so only see each other twice a year, but each time, we get along great and I enjoy her company. We also email regularly. She is much closer to me as an adult than she is to her own daughter.

Just to say that time does odd things. I certainly would never have predicted that I would actually look forward to seeing her one day and think she was a lovely person! My DH adores her (and often refers to her as my DM because that's how he sees her, which is taking a bit of step too far for me, so have reminded him not to!).

I know what you mean, me and my Dsm are very close now and talk often but we didn't up until I had my ds.
I see dsd when I go round but no I wouldn't say I look forward to seeing her, but that's probably because the situation is still going on. But I no longer dread it iykwim. Maybe things will change if she ever moves out? I hope so, I don't want to feel the way I do, it's just living with it day in day out makes it hard not to.

mujunkie I'm glad you are able to carry on a relationship, the danger with moving out is that you and DP would have lost the heart of yours. I would have moved out too recently, but then DSD moved out of her own accord. But it got too toxic in the house for my younger kids and at some point a line has to be drawn hasn't it?

OP I hope you can find a way.

behomed gosh that it so hard for you. We can't ignore family dynamics can we, they can have long lasting effects. I hope you've been able to come to terms with yours.

Bananasinpyjamas1 it's so hard isn't it. And it's so hard to not come across as a bitch! How are things now sd has moved out? I can't see that happening in my situation, at least not anytime soon. She literally hasn't left the house for months, DP goes to get her money and goes to the shop if she wants anything. He doesn't understand that the longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to go anywhere! I understand she's got issues but he's not helping her at all.

It's really not ideal all round mujunkie is it! It does put the SM in a very tricky position - ignore and bite back any of our feelings, until we are ghosts in our own houses or letting down the other children - or speak up and then feel the full wrath of a defensive DP, an angry DSC, and more. Not great!

When my SD moved out - things for me and my two sons have been so much better. So much so that I now feel guilty for putting them through it in the first place. My oldest son was very relieved. And this wasn't an SD who was being vindictive and nasty, but the relentless resentment, ignoring, not listening to a word I said was impacting the whole household. I didn't realise how stressed it was making me, day in, day out. I now have much more time and energy for my sons and others in my life.

This sounds awful doesn't it?! How much better it is since a child moves out (who was 18). But it's the reality.

Things with DP were very rough, as he blamed me for it, even though it was totally unfair. I actually had had enough of all the scapegoating and we broke up for a while. We are still not quite on track, but he has started to see that it was very unfair on me. He won't ever completely face up to it as it would mean admitting this his DD is not perfect.

Things with my SD are probably beyond repair unfortunately. I did make quite an effort after she moved out to build bridges, even though I was actually very hurt that she'd wholeheartedly rejected us. And this was a girl I'd taken care of as my own, full-time, for over 5 years. I hoped we could work it out at the time. She just acted like it was really a strain for her to be in our vicinity (me and my sons) for months, even though we were kind. So now neither me or my son bother. I think she's a bit taken aback that we no longer are giving her attention. Perhaps in time a peace can be achieved.

So all in all, I have a fairly amicable life with a harmonious and peaceful family household. It is much better than the alternative! I hope that both you mujunkie and OP can get to the same somehow.

Just to add that my SD moving in with her Mum - is now 20, still does not cook for herself, buy herself stuff she needs, gets dropped off and picked up from college by DP, gets all her books bought for her by DP. Both parents are 'worried' about her failure to learn life skills, yet I got vilified for trying.

Her Mum has been 'strongly hinting' that SD should move back in with me...

Bananasinpyjamas1 it's like I could have wrote the exact same as you have! I'm happy now having my house to run to, it takes a lot of the strain off. I think it's the solution, for us anyway. People with the "evil stepmother" idea don't understand the pressure and resentment it can cause, and to be fair it's not the dsc's fault, it's the DP who cause their behavior by years of pandering so they just come to expect it!

I am very envious that you have 'a house to run to.' I feel as though I have no where to run and hide. I have no sanctuary. That is really suffocating.

stepping I know it is like feeling trapped, I felt like this as I gave up my job to care for the youngest. I was lucky in that DSD moved out, ironically she had more options than me!

Can your DSD spend some time at her mothers? Do you have any options?

mujunkie the wicked step mum label is very damaging, if you are actually trying your best! I think looking back it was me that was suffering mentally the most. DSD, as an 18 yr old, did have problems, still does, and all attention was focused on her from DP. I tried with her too. But we do it at a cost to ourselves. And it can easily end up just enabling the child to remain a child. Life can be hard - no pampering is going to change that fact.

Well I've discussed with DH tonight whether he should move out. He was very nice about it. I think that might be our way forward. It's terrifying but might be the right thing.

Sounds like a good idea. And if your DH is on board too, that's even better. I hope it all works out for you. You sound miserable.

You can keep a relationship with him, but it's important, in my opinion, for you and your children to have a proper home.

Had a busy week so just checking in. stepping I'm glad your DP is supportive of the idea, but I'm also sad for you that it's come to that. I'm sure the relief of being out of the situation will improve things so much for you though. You will have your life back, even though it will be different it will be yours. As I said before it can work, if that's what you both want, it's just takes so much pressure off!

I think you've made a wise decision, suggesting he (and DSD) move out.

In the meantime I'd step back from anything you do for her, or for him because of her, outside of routine tasks you do for everyone. Don't serve her. If she says 'Daddy would' then say 'When Daddy gets here, you should ask him then'. If she leaves a mess tell Daddy 'DSD left a mess for you to clean'. In other words, don't be worried about 'being mean' or being typecast as the 'Evil SM'. The same for your children. Don't allow them to jump up for her. If she asks them for something (unless they're doing for themselves at the same time) say "DD/DS, DSD can make herself a cuppa/change the channel/make a sandwich". Speak calmly ONCE and do not let her escalate the situation.

I really love your posts bananas because it's clear that even though things have been or still are sometimes rough, you act to resolve things as far as possible, whilst trying to preserve you're own wellbeing, marriage and rest of the family unit. I reckon we all learn something from your comments. I'm sure you'll have a better relationship with your oldest DSD one day and I wouldn't mind betting that - maybe not verbally or in your presence, and it might take some years - she'll thank you for being who you are.

Bananas her mum is hinting that her DD should move back with you oh I bet you'd just love that.....not!
Don't, for goodness sake let that happen, I'm sure you don't want to go back there!