She wants me to be a weekend dad

[iamdad]

I'll set the scene. My gf and I have been together for 3 years and we have a 2 year old boy. We don't live together as we can't afford it and live 5 minutes from each other at our parents homes. We both have a child each (8yo) from previous.
Her daughter lives with her full time and my son with me 3 nights a week. Meaning on those 3 nights I have to leave at 7pm to take him back for bed and stuff.
It's far from an ideal situation but we don't have much choice.
She has had pnd and other issues which have been a real struggle and how she gets up in the mornings sometimes is a miracle.
She hates my exw, which is fair enough, but she's very very bitter and resentful to my son. To such an extent that she says his presence as part of our family is killing our relationship. She wants me to see him at weekends only or even less, her daughter sees her dad just one night a month.
She hates that I take my son to school (with her and my stepdaughter) on he days I have him. Refuses to let me give any time to him or do anything for him. Hates hat I do most of the homework with him instead of his mother.
She think his mother should do everything and me nothing.
I know this paints a poor picture of her but she's a very loving and beautiful person but she has so much anger and resentment towards my son now. She wants me to cut my time down to 2 days with him.
I don't know if that's reasonable or not?
I don't want to be a weekend dad to him or my youngest (should we not get through this).
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

No, depression does not make nice people nasty and abusive towards children. If she wasn't depressed, she'd still be toxic, manipulative, jealous and trying to push this boy out. Her feelings for him and attempts to isolate him and push him out of his dad's life have nothing to do with depression and everything to do with her nasty spirited, controlling nature.

She needs for people to stop induging and excusing her horrible behaviour towards an innocent child and to call her out on it. Not to be wrongly blaming every cruel thing she does on something that doesn't cause character deficits.

It's grotesquely offensive when people compare the two. Depression doesn't make people commit child abuse (which this is) any more than it drives people to beat, rape or murder..... It doesn't!!!! Lack of empathy, nastiness, sadistic personality, cruelty and all round badness causes people to purposely harm others. Depressed people are no more likely than anyone else to have those qualities because those qualities are not related to depression!

If she wasn't depressed, she'd still be toxic, manipulative, jealous and trying to push this boy out

Playing advocate but how can anyone of us know that? She is acting horribly at the moment, and I agree that depression alone wouldn't explain it, but the stress caused by the sense of helplessness that linked with depression could.

OP loves her so there must be something loving about her and indeed, it might be that if the triggers of her stress are taken away, she might be a very reasonable, if not pleasant SM. The issue is that she seems to believe that the stressor of her life is OP's son. If that is correct, then taking this out is not an option and OP is therefore better off moving on.

If however she is transferring the stress into him, but actually what is stressing her is not being able to have OP with her every night/mornings, then maybe there is an opportunity to look whether this could be envisaged.

I do totally agree with most posters though that if I was OP, I would be extremely anxious at the prospect of considering it without any certainty that this would sort out the issues rather than making them worse and I am not sure what she could do to give him that reassurance.

Some things you can take back. They should have moved together and see how they lived together with their respective children before deciding to add one and realised they couldn't afford to move in together. Now it is too late to do that without taking a big risk.

Op you need to be very careful here. She is clearly Unwell and needs help and it sounds like she needs to move out of her mothers house a sap. BUT that cannot be at the expense of your other son. Your sons are your first priority not your gf at this point. I am sorry but that is the truth.

She needs help and fast and you need to support her getting that. However, you must not and cannot let her blame your son. None of this is his doing. He is an innocent child. You as his dad need to protect and defend him.

Totally agree wheresthelight. I think you hit in on the nail and that her frustration might stem from her still living at home and desperately want to move out and has convinced herself that the boy is the hurdle that got in the way of her plans.

I wouldn't be at hers on the days I have DS.
Some one to one would be better at yours.
I don't get the arrangement. Why don't you walk DS to school without her if it bothers her so much.
She is calling all the shots to the detriment of your DS and some are petty and could be changed (though I might not have understood it fully)

Can her eldest's dad have his child more often?

She is going about this all wrong, but what is the nub of what she really wants? As much support as possible from the father of her small child in a time when she has PND and other MH problems. In itself, that is reasonable. However, she is looking for the wrong solution.

You say that on occasion you have had all 3 kids and that her mum is creating issues.

Is there any way you could all live at your parents' place?

I've picked up on the way OP has treated her though. I know myself, if my DP is an arse with me (which he is over SC) then I think 'fuck it' and it doesn't make me a nice person to be around. If he's nice to me, I'll do everything I can to be nice to him and his DC, but bloody hell its hard. They are hard work, entitled, sulky kids whose Dad has Disney parented them. They think every good deed deserves a new album or toy. That's their Dads fault though for over indulging them ridiculously.
Meanwhile I'm left parenting our children who don't get a look in and get treated completely differently by their Dad.

MumOfTwo That was my motto- "Fuck it". He wasn't nice to me so I thought fuck it.
3 years it took me to realise what an arse he was. I put up with it for a further 2 or 3 years, even when I was depressed after having DS2 until he eventually broke me. It was only last year after I had DS3 that I started to think FUCK IT and started to put my foot down. He ruined all chances of us having a nice little blended family, and I put my all in to it at the beginning. Eventually I just became so depressed that there was no coming back. I'd had enough.

Owing to be 'nice' to our partner is a very subjective matter though. It tends to go that when I think my OH is nice he thinks I am too, when I think he is being totally unreasonable (when I am doing everything to be so) he thinks they I'm not nice whilst he is the one acting reasonable!

That's why it always works better trying to understand why our partner feel the way they do rather then putting all our efforts into truing to get them to understand our feelings.

PND and MH problems are not an excuse to emotionally abuse a child which is what isolating and cutting him off is. Prioritise your kids before you allow this woman to do real emotional harm to your DC. Definitely seperate the visitation at the very, very least so when you have your DC you stay at your own house.

Depression is the bitch, not the sufferer.

However if your son and your relationship with him is making her worse, then perhaps you need to make a choice:

1. She gets you without your son.
2. You find a temporary halfway house by seeing your son at your house without her there. She will get to see less of you but that is her choice.
3. You take yourself and your son out of her life.

I hope that 1 is a no go, and that 3 is unlikely to happen. So try 2.

BTW 'She hates my exw, which is fair enough' is not a correct statement. It is not fair enough, it's not the reaction of a reasonable human being.

I'm not sure you can say it's not reasonable to hate ex, you don't know the circumstances. I tried with partners ex, she's a total t**t and in all honestly a disgusting parent but can do a good job of pulling the wool over SS eyes. DP didn't talk to her when we met, I encouraged them to. Regret it massively now. She has played games, caused problems, stopped access, come on to DP, laughed at me when I've rung her with concerns about her daughter wetting herself at 7. I hate her as a human being. She puts her desperate need of having a man around before the safety and welfare of her children and has moved people in within days who have beaten her, dealt drugs from her house, lets them smoke weed around her children. She smokes in the car with them and they've spent the majority of their childhood in the pub. Urgh!

I agree wth mumoftwo hating the exw is a normal and often reasonable reaction depending on circumstances. And we have no info on that side of things.

For me, I wanted us all to get along and be a happy family all together. I have gone out of my way and been treated like a twat for doing so. She has made my life hell. I am not the OW, she cheated, she kicked my dp out and ever since she moved the OM in she has gone out of her way to push dp out of his kids lives except when it suits her. And because I didn't actively encourage him to forget his kids with her she hates me. I think she wanted me to be jealous of them so she could blame me for him not seeing them. Unfortunately for her I wouldn't let him give up and pushed him to speak to his lawyer and make sure he got fair access and not let her push him out.

I am a complete bitch for this apparently

Wow wheresthel1ght it's been the same here. Ex kicked out DP (was cheating but didn't know at the time) and moved other man in. Then has treated me like I'm the OW and has been a complete cow. But I've just realised she's an unreasonable asshole and I don't care that she hates me as the feeling is most definitely mutual.

OP, could you all spend evenings at your home, then she leaves late evening to get a restful night while the 3 children all stay with you? You get some quality time with your GF, the DC get uninterrupted sleep, you aren't 'forced' to reduce contact with your Eldest. Maybe a short term compromise while you help her get professional help for her PND?

Haha mumoftwo sometimes us stepmums are fricking awesome and some are arseholes

Op I am hoping some of the twatish comments haven't scared you off! Lots of people have offered good advice and Gazelda makes a very good compromise that could work.

While I agree with many of the PP, I think that a major problem in this situation may be not living with your partner and child. If you could be with your son and your other family at the same time then you might find things a lot easier. I do actually have some sympathy with your partner not wanting to be left on her own so much. You have chosen to be with her and have a child with her. I don't think it is fair to leave her alone to cope with that.

Perhaps part of her resentment might also be that your ex-partner has her own home but you don't? I don't know if that is the case. In that situation I do have some sympathy for your partner's view that your ex-partner should be the main resident parent for your elder son, particularly if you cannot afford to support your youngest son by providing him and his mother with a home.

Is there really nothing you can do to try to live together? Could you all move into one of your parents' houses? Are you on a council housing waiting list? I know it is difficult but I really don't think you are in a sustainable position for the long or even medium term.

Having said that, I agree that you need to be very sure about her before moving in together. But I think it is impossible as an outsider to know if your relationship would get better if you could sort out your living situation. If you want a real relationship then you can't go on as you are. If you have concerns about her attitude towards your elder son then you should not be in a relationship with her.