She wants me to be a weekend dad

[iamdad]

I'll set the scene. My gf and I have been together for 3 years and we have a 2 year old boy. We don't live together as we can't afford it and live 5 minutes from each other at our parents homes. We both have a child each (8yo) from previous.
Her daughter lives with her full time and my son with me 3 nights a week. Meaning on those 3 nights I have to leave at 7pm to take him back for bed and stuff.
It's far from an ideal situation but we don't have much choice.
She has had pnd and other issues which have been a real struggle and how she gets up in the mornings sometimes is a miracle.
She hates my exw, which is fair enough, but she's very very bitter and resentful to my son. To such an extent that she says his presence as part of our family is killing our relationship. She wants me to see him at weekends only or even less, her daughter sees her dad just one night a month.
She hates that I take my son to school (with her and my stepdaughter) on he days I have him. Refuses to let me give any time to him or do anything for him. Hates hat I do most of the homework with him instead of his mother.
She think his mother should do everything and me nothing.
I know this paints a poor picture of her but she's a very loving and beautiful person but she has so much anger and resentment towards my son now. She wants me to cut my time down to 2 days with him.
I don't know if that's reasonable or not?
I don't want to be a weekend dad to him or my youngest (should we not get through this).
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Oh come on, yes she has PND and depression but this is not a reasonable request to make in anyone's universe. The OPs child must come first, he certainly should not be cutting his access to pander to his girlfriend. She needs to get help, and he needs to tell her firmly that he isn't going to see his son less. FWIW I had severe PND and depression, while it may be a reason for unreasonable behaviour it is not an excuse, and requests like this which can cause real harm should not be indulged.

I didn't say it was a reasonable request. I was just saying that she isn't the horrible toxic person that people are making her out to be. She sounds absolutely drained so isn't thinking rationally.
Like I said, I'm glad it's not her posting on here.

Just seen that the OP has treated her badly in the past. It's like Bingo.

And by the way, the OP should put his son first and see him as much as he wants to. I just think that maybe he should see him at his parents' house rather than at the his DP's house. She should feel happy in her own home and seeing as the OP doesn't even live with her she has every right to call the shots about who enters her home. It might give his her a breather and help her recovery if he sees his DS at his parents' (where he lives).
He could have his youngest on one of those nights too so that the children see each other still, and then see his youngest at his DP's house on nights that he doesn't have his youngest.
That's a good compromise and somewhere in the middle, without reducing how much he sees his DS.

*on the nights he doesn't have his eldest.

If the issue is having two children to look after on her own (although one is 8 for heaven's sake), why can't the 2 year old stay at yours those nights as well?

Absolutely do not reduce your time with your older child. I'm not sure I believe this is the depression talking anyway, she strikes me as wanting to isolate you from your own family for her own gain. It isn't 'fair enough' that she hates your exw. None of this is fair.

So you got in a relationship with this woman, you've already both had kids form previous relationship but both unable to provide a home for them and both live with your parents and you rush into having another baby! Now your poor son from another relationship is in the way? Depression or that she is taking it out on your poor son and you shouldn't stand for that. She lives with her parents so surely she has support with children, gosh some single moms run their own house holds and solely care for their children even going to work if their DC are old enough.

You decided to he a child with a woman you'd been together only a few months who has MH issues and who you couldn't afford to move in with.

It went wrong from the start and you are now paying the consequences. It sounds like her issues means she needs much more support then a woman who doesn't. I expect she dreamt of the perfect family and a man who will be there for her 24/24h. She didn't get this and her resentment has grown month after month.

I expect she blames your son for you not living together. Now the position is that this resentment means that you couldn't consider it because that would be totally unfair to your son.

The only way moving forward is to start making plans to move in together even if you are worse off financially (is she claiming benefits as a single person?). However you need to make it very clear that this can't happen until she start treating your son with respect and decency and stop blaming him for her frustrations. Reducing contact is NOT an option.

Good luck I really hope you can make it work but I feel frustrated for you that you rushed into this rather then taking the time to get to know each other better first and smoothly set into your new family before adding to it.

I think your children have to come first. If she is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't want your son around, then the only solution is to stay with your son at your own house. Those nights you can also take your youngest son. So 3/4 nights a week she will be alone without help , but only with her eldest. The other 3/4 nights when your eldest is with his mother, you can spend with her, her daughter and your 2 yr old son. That way she is never alone and unsupported with 2 kids and also your eldest sons contact with her is reduced.

she's a very loving and beautiful person

Is this the male equivalent of, "he's a good father"?

Bloody hell don't follow the advice to move in with her! I'd just have both your children where you are living. I wouldn't want or expect her to be around your ds for the foreseeable future.

No don't move in with her. I can't see how that would make anything better. It would just make it worse! You have every right to want to see your son, but don't expect her to want to. You want to be with her still, so you need either accept that she doesn't want to see your son or call it a day if you can't deal with that.

Your son is more important than this vile woman. I'm sorry PND or not this is no excuse for her to want you to blot your son out of the picture. Frankly I would not want to be near anyone like this. The damage she will cause to your son cannot be underestimated.

She isn't raising children on her own, she lives with her parents!
It was a mistake to have a child with her especially as you can't afford to leave home, either of you, you shouldn't be having children in those circumstances.
She needs help with the depression.
She is unreasonable about your son.
It's a bit of a mess really.

You are in an impossible situation.

As much as you love your GF and want to help her, her needs cannot come before the childrens.

Your son will never forgive you for putting her first and it could destroy your future relationship with him.
If you give in to her demands now she will continue to make more demands.
She has no reason to hate your exw or resent your son.
I honestly think you should look at the affect her behaviour is having on the children. They have to come first.

Be firm. Tell her the arrangement for seeing your son will not change.

I hope she gets the help she needs for her mh issues.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys; having had chronic clinical depression for many years I can tell you that depressed people think and speak for themselves, your claim that "its the depression talking" is an excuse to justify vile behaviour towards a child and it infuriates me because that same attitude is used to undermine people with depression when they have perfectly valid objections to unreasonable behaviour from others.

Depressed people are not a mental illness, everything they do, say, think and feel is not a result of depression. They are like everybody else, some nice, lovely, kind people who are suffocated by depression and some nasty, toxic ones like ops girlfriend who uses it as an excuse to manipulate and control people. People like that will still be mean, vicious, toxic and cruel without depression.......

Depression changes your mood, energy levels, ability to cope but it does not change your nature. Nice people will still be nice and the nasty will still be nasty.

Look at it another way. She is ruining her own daughter's relationship with her father. One night a month is woefully inadequate. Just because she has made this mistake doesn't mean she has to as well. Please don't become a shit dad because she tells you to. She is ill and not thinking straight.

*doesnt mean you have to as well

Seeyou As someone with chronic depression myself, I know exactly what it is like. I am a nice person but the depression can me someone I am not. I went from being happy and positive and had a great outlook on life, to feeling chronically tired, hopeless, irrational, hopeless, irritable etc... That is not the true me. Sorry but that is my take on depression. I try not to make it define me but sadly it is an actual real problem that affects my life horribly.

You have both brought children into the world and your primary job now is to protect them
From a pp, this is very succinct, can you say this to her & keep repeating it?

Perhaps the two boys should live with you OP (well the oldest as much as he already is) and your partner can be the parent who leaves when she feels like she isn't coping with your son being around, rather than him being made to leave because of her feelings.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys; depression can make you all of those things but it absolutely does not make you want to rip a childs life apart, behave in a cruel manner towards children etc....that is innate, that cruelty and self absorption is not put there by depression. If that is in you, it is just you.

Depression does not make a person callous, cruel, spiteful, jealous of and abusive towards children.... Anybody who has that mentality will have that mentality with or without depression. That's character, not mood.

It can and does make you think and feel irrationally though.
Now, I am NOT excusing this behaviour but whenever I see someone who is mentally and emotionally unwell be written off as a vile, horrible bitch etc... I do feel an urge to stick up for them a bit. Being depressed can be extremely lonely and dark.
And all I have been doing is explaining her thought process. Do you want me to be honest with the OP or dress it up with unicorns and rainbows? The latter isn't going to help him to hep her (if he wants to) The woman is depressed and because of that she doesn't have the energy to embrace the OP's child like she used to. Once she has got the help she needs, I hope she never feels like that anymore.