I can't live with 19 year old stepson

[hells19]

Hi
I am hoping for some advice or help as I am desperate.
I met up with my now husband in 2013 and we brought a house together in 2014 and married in March this year. We already knew each other through our sons who were friends for about 8 years.
He has two sons and so do I. My two boys live with me and they are 15 and 7.
His two sons are 15 and 19 and they lived with their mum.
To cut a long story short when we had been living together for 6 months his eldest son asked to come and live with us. My stomach sank as soon as he asked as I did not enjoy him coming for the weekend let alone living with us but I knew we could not say no. It was easier for him to get to college and his relationship with his mum had broken down completely. He hated her.
This was 19 months ago and I have never got used to him living with us. He is selfish beyond belief and hates me asking him to do things. He is into weightlifting and wants a certain diet eating certain things at certain times depending on the time of year when he is bulking his weight!
He has to be asked over and over to do the most basic things and we ask him to do nothing around the house etc.....
He has started a job and earns a decent wage.
Things have finally caught up with me and my precious husband and my relationship is now suffering as I don't feel comfortable in my own home and never have since his son moved in. It is spoiling such a special relationship and now marriage.
I don't want his son here anymore and am on the verge of asking his son to leave.
He made it clear about 5 months ago he is living here as it is convenient for his precious gym and college and now work.
I don't agree with him eating separate things to us as I work nearly full time and am not going to be cooking separate meals for everyone every night, if he gets separate things my own children start asking for separate things.
It is a nightmare and if things carry on as they are it will break my marriage up.
We do not get on, he has issues with me and has always had issues with female authority.
I heard his mother asking him 'how are things at home' the other night and I just lost it with my husband saying he can get out of this house if he is bad mouthing his living arrangements here and it is not convenient anymore for him to be here.
He is 19, earning a decent wage for his age and I want to say off you go and go back to your mums or find somewhere else to live.
My husband is the kindest sweetest man and such a caring dad that he would never ask his son to leave.
I have anxiety and stress which is now affecting my health.
I have no idea what to do.

Sounds like you just want him out of your little family as he doesnt fit in with your idea of family life. You sound really cynical. Turning on the tears etc. He actually has nowhere he can be sure of a welcome does he?
This exactly. I feel really sorry for the lad. Maybe he wants to live with family instead of being pushed out into a bedsit like you've suggested. Teenagers are hard, I agree, but you wouldn't throw them out if they were your own.

AGruffalo That old chestnut? Rubbish. Plenty of parents give notice to their 'own' kids. My mum did to my brother, and they're so close now. He's also a great parent himself, but I question if he'd even be equipped to hold down a successful relationship or the good job he has, if my parents had pandered to him.

Oh dear, I haven't read all of this long thread, but I suspect that you (like a lot of other SM's of grown DSC) A) don't particularly like him, and B) want your home to yourself and your immediate family!
Well, I can certainly understand and empathise with that, I would have hated it if any of my DSC had moved in with us....at any age!!!
However, you also have to see your DH's point of view, this is his child and no matter how badly behaved he is, there is obviously a strong and understandable feeling, that he can't turn his son out!
Having said that, a very frank and straight talking discussion has to happen, you need to tell your DH that you understand he wants his son to stay, but there are rules. The rules apply to everyone, including his DS, and he has to toe the line, (as set out by the two of you) or find somewhere else to live....he's not a child, this must be robustly spelled out to him!! Good luck!

cappy What has he done wrong enough to be given notice? He's sloppy?

Hi Pinky - what does your husband object to about your son?
What is the problem with his girls? Can you give any examples?

AGruffalo I didn't say she should give notice. I said I thought the suggestion that she wouldn't think of doing so if he was her 'own' was rubbish, because some parents do put their 'own' kids out. Maybe she'll tell us. But my mum did. Packed my brother's clothes into black bags put them in the front garden and when he came home she didn't let him in and told him to get down the council and register as homeless. He was about 22. It would have wrecked her marriage and sanity if not. Mum and my brother were estranged for 3 years. My parents even moved house, which they delayed originally in case my brother wanted to show up again. It was probably the hardest, riskiest, bravest and best thing my mum has ever done, for not just my brother but the whole family, including his two kids now. Those 3 years probably saved him from decades of adult petulance. He was so rude, bailiffs always coming to the door, loans run up, crashing cars and now he's so close to my mum and stepdad, is very disciplined, loving, hardworking and respected. He's my younger brother by 9 years but I look up to him, despite everything we've always been close. It's never too late to learn, but if parents won't teach children to respect boundaries by late adolescence those young adults are going to struggle badly at work, in relationships etc.

Tricky!

I wonder if at the heart of this you were like me recently. I had two younger kids, and my oldest step kids were beginning to treat our house as a student hotel - boyfriends, loud music, eating when they liked (which sounds fine but when 4 times a day you can't even wash up or cook without having to clear away stuff or finding the toddlers bedtime meal raided... )

Your home is a family home. There are younger kids there and you need it to have a relatively stable, calm and pleasant atmosphere. It's important for the other kids. It's for that reason that your DSS needs to get a grip. He can't just swan in from his mum's to yours without seriously respecting that is is a family home now. Not an interim 'kip up'.

But how you get that across, or enforce that... Really hard.

My eldest DSD had a big bust up with her BF, she was 22, and moved back in with her Mum. I felt silent relief that she didn't choose us. Her behaviour was quite volatile and I felt too dramatic and chaotic for a family household's sanity.

I actually thought her Mum should have put her foot down with her too, but never voiced this as not my decision obv. It wasn't fair on the youngest DSD, 12 at the time - who's needs got ignored and home life became quite chaotic. Youngest DSD spent a lot of time with us then to get some peace.

He's probably picked up on the fact you don't like him, if what ever he does is wrong there's not much in trying.

Is he really that bad ? Being messy and cooking nosily are nt that bad in the scheme of things. He probably feels rejected.

I feel your pain. I have the same situation. We both have one son each and they are 6 months apart. My DS lives with us on and off as he works abroad most of the spring,summer and early autumm in USA. My DSD works 8 hours a week, has dropped out of uni, sits around drinking and paying computer games all day. When my DS is in the house he pays £60 per week rent and then something towards his food normally an extra £10.00. He eats what I cook and helps around the house (when asked and I do get the roll of the eyes and a sigh but he does it). His bad faults are the room he stays in is a tip and I do spoil him a bit .My DH complains whenever he is home till he leaves again about him in the house (although he happily takes the rent each week) When my DS is in the house he goes straight to the study, sets up his computer and stays there drinks large amounts of JD and coke and eating junk. He also demands separate meals as he only eats frozen stuff (pizza mainly) and oven chips and microwave burgers. My DH sees no wrong in him and says he needs to find his way in life. I do think 19 is still a little young to be on his own but if he wants separate meal make him cook them himself, make sure he cleans up after himself and pay rent. Good luck

I feel your pain. I have the same situation. We both have one son each and they are 6 months apart. My DSS lives with us on and off as he works abroad most of the spring,summer and early autumm in USA. My DSD works 8 hours a week, has dropped out of uni, sits around drinking and paying computer games all day. When my DS is in the house he pays £60 per week rent and then something towards his food normally an extra £10.00. He eats what I cook and helps around the house (when asked and I do get the roll of the eyes and a sigh but he does it). His bad faults are the room he stays in is a tip and I do spoil him a bit .My DH complains whenever he is home till he leaves again about him in the house (although he happily takes the rent each week) When my DS is in the house he goes straight to the study, sets up his computer and stays there drinks large amounts of JD and coke and eating junk. He also demands separate meals as he only eats frozen stuff (pizza mainly) and oven chips and microwave burgers. My DH sees no wrong in him and says he needs to find his way in life. I do think 19 is still a little young to be on his own but if he wants separate meal make him cook them himself, make sure he cleans up after himself and pay rent. Good luck

I feel really sorry for the lad. Maybe he wants to live with family instead of being pushed out into a bedsit like you've suggested.

Oh dear poor 'lad'. Um sorry get real, this adult is treating the house like digs. He sounds like he wants all the home comforts and FO in terms of his personal contribution to the family unit.

Rights and responsibility spring to mind

If him living with you is effecting your relationship with your DH, then it has to change. The foundation of the blended family has to be a strong relationship with your and DH.

19 is not too young to live independently, if he finds it hard living with little kids, and wants an adult home, then he can move into a house share. Maybe he could find one with others with similar interests.

The main reason he is living in your home is convenience. Stop being so convenient, make him cook, clean and do his own washing. Stop doing things for him. Also I would suggest you step away emotionally from him, let his DF have the conversations and set the rules.

We are a blended family too. I have a very bad relationship with DH's DS, who also lives with us. I have told DH that no way is DSS living with us when he has finished education. DH can see why and agrees.

I say unacceptable situation, tell him to leave, he's an adult and he should live on his own or with mates. Put your foot down with your husband and tell him that you don't want his son living there anymore. He is now an adult, not a child and does not need looking after. He's got no more right to live there if you don't want him than a friend of yours that your husband doesn't want. It's your life too. Not just his.

I think the dynamics of a step child living as an adult are particularly difficult in a step Family. There is no background of bonding or rules. The step child just expects no change even though you have a younger child. It also is impossible to try and harmonise a young adult living basically as a student - messy, up late, etc with a younger family house.

He sounds fairly normal tbh though, apart from the moving out of his mums because he ‘hated her’ a bit extreme. He doesn’t sound like he’s being horrible or rude or ignoring you.

I did have a similar situation- DSD who lived full time with me turned 18 and after years of coping with her difficult behavior whilst trying to bring up two children of my own, I finally broke and just had a word with her. She moved to her mums that day in a strop, and I realized how much better my family was without her. They were all living under a cloud. I refused to have her back - she never asked me - just expected to move back in after silencing me and punishing me to her mum and DP. I would rather have not been with DP than cope with it any longer at that stage. So I do have some sympathies.

Hi iv just read your post and I’m in the exact same position as you, but I have 2 step children and me and partner have 3 together, can I ask how has it all turned out please

Women marry men with kids because we think the kids are going to be respectful and they turn out to be the complete opposite. I could share horror stories. Before you sit there and judge, understand a situation.

I feel for you as I struggled when my 18 year old stepson came back from Uni for the holidays - it was difficult adjusting to him being back when he had been away for a few months. I don't know what the answer is but I sincerely hope that he doesn't want to live with us when he's done his degree. I resent having to look after another adult in my home who doesn't contribute to the household (I don't mean money as he doesn't have any, but he doesn't lift a finger round the house and treats it like a hotel).

It does sound like you need a break and if his relationship with his mum is better now, could you not suggest that he goes back there for a bit? He seems keen on talking about everything she lets him get away with so maybe he won't mind so much!