I can't live with 19 year old stepson

[hells19]

Hi
I am hoping for some advice or help as I am desperate.
I met up with my now husband in 2013 and we brought a house together in 2014 and married in March this year. We already knew each other through our sons who were friends for about 8 years.
He has two sons and so do I. My two boys live with me and they are 15 and 7.
His two sons are 15 and 19 and they lived with their mum.
To cut a long story short when we had been living together for 6 months his eldest son asked to come and live with us. My stomach sank as soon as he asked as I did not enjoy him coming for the weekend let alone living with us but I knew we could not say no. It was easier for him to get to college and his relationship with his mum had broken down completely. He hated her.
This was 19 months ago and I have never got used to him living with us. He is selfish beyond belief and hates me asking him to do things. He is into weightlifting and wants a certain diet eating certain things at certain times depending on the time of year when he is bulking his weight!
He has to be asked over and over to do the most basic things and we ask him to do nothing around the house etc.....
He has started a job and earns a decent wage.
Things have finally caught up with me and my precious husband and my relationship is now suffering as I don't feel comfortable in my own home and never have since his son moved in. It is spoiling such a special relationship and now marriage.
I don't want his son here anymore and am on the verge of asking his son to leave.
He made it clear about 5 months ago he is living here as it is convenient for his precious gym and college and now work.
I don't agree with him eating separate things to us as I work nearly full time and am not going to be cooking separate meals for everyone every night, if he gets separate things my own children start asking for separate things.
It is a nightmare and if things carry on as they are it will break my marriage up.
We do not get on, he has issues with me and has always had issues with female authority.
I heard his mother asking him 'how are things at home' the other night and I just lost it with my husband saying he can get out of this house if he is bad mouthing his living arrangements here and it is not convenient anymore for him to be here.
He is 19, earning a decent wage for his age and I want to say off you go and go back to your mums or find somewhere else to live.
My husband is the kindest sweetest man and such a caring dad that he would never ask his son to leave.
I have anxiety and stress which is now affecting my health.
I have no idea what to do.

I think I can see what's happened here.

This isn't what you signed-up for when you married your husband, you (understandably) thought that you'd only live with your own / the younger children. I doubt you ever even spoke about what would happen if the older stepson wanted to come and live with you.

To compound this the stepson hasn't been easy to live with, he's selfish, probably takes the home for granted and sees living with you as a convenient option (when in fact it's very inconvenient).

In my experience all of this is actually very normal for a lot of teenagers (of course not all of them, many are lovely, collaborative, friendly and helpful) but what is really hurting you and your relationship with your stepson is that you feel like it's been forced on you, and you feel powerless to change it.

From you DSS' perspective (and I was a slightly troubled teen, so I am looking at it through my own eyes) - he probably feels pushed-out, he doesn't care about your relationship with his father (why would he?), he doesn't feel he can live with his mother (even if they get on better now), in general he probably feels quite hard done by, partly because he can feel your resentment towards him. From his perspective, what has he got to lose, you don't like him anyway?

I'm not sure what I'd suggest, because the actual answer is to develop a mutually affectionate relationship with your stepson, and it may have gone too far for that.

Have you tried treating him as if he were your own? Working together as a family to set-out a plan of action, what is/isn't acceptable behaviour (from all sides), what you do as a family and for the family, it could be things like:

• If we have our bedroom door shut, no one enters without knocking
• We all leave shared rooms/workspaces tidier than we found them (exception own rooms)
• We treat each other with respect, we're not afraid to discuss difficult things
• 'Mum' cooks for the family, if you want something else it must not negatively impact the rest of the family
• All adults pay what we can afford into the family
• Once a week we do one thing as a family, just for fun...
• Etc.

I know it sounds a bit cheesy, but it's a bit like positive visualisation - if you act like a family, maybe you'll start to feel like one.

NB: I write this in good faith on the presumption that stepson is not abusive or unpleasant

Thank you Thinkpinkstink.

No he is not abusive.

You pretty much sum it up well but I did have a feeling he would want to move in with us. His Dad say course he won't but I thought he would.

When his parents separated in 2010 he wanted to live with his dad but due to his dad's shift work he wasn't allowed to.

He was biding his time to move in with his dad and low and behold just as that would have been possible due to his age I come on the scene and of course living with just his Dad and living with a family of 4 is worlds apart and not what he had planned.

I tried so hard and do still try to treat all of them as my own but this is not possible now as our relationship has completely broken down.

It is so alien to me not to feel warmth and compassion for someone ( I would literally do anything fur anyone) but he has pushed me to my limits.

Such a sad situation and no one can win. I am but sure how much longer I will live feeling like this and if I ask him to leave I don't think his Dad would be able to get over it.

I was unhappy in my previous marriage and vowed never to be in s situation where I was unhappy again but I am. I sound so selfish it when you feel so uncomfortable that you are crabby with your own kids then something has to be done.

Thanks again x

I think it's probably OK to say that you need a break. A temporary move back - if the relationship has broken down then it's so hard to get back to a normal place, and it doesn't sound as if he's ever been entirely happy with it.

Is there anywhere else he can go apart from yours or his mums?. In a similar situation a friend of mine was lucky that the step child's gran had a granny flat. As a sort of stepping stone to independence.

On the other hand - how long is he actually going to want to live with you - would a definite end date help? Frankly, he's well on his way to being an adult and having grown up kids at home is hard whether you are their biological parent or not...

After a run in a few months ago he said if his plan came off he would be moving out. I assume he meant when he finished college but then he got a job near us and has stayed.

There isn't anywhere else he can go. As I have says though geckos earning a decent wage for his age and has friends so a rental share would be an honest but I know him and he would think paying us the rent he does and having done what he has done for him he would be a fool to move out!
He has already said he is saving 700 a month towards a new car!

In my heart of hearts I was clinging onto the hope he was going to move out of his own accord and move back to his mums but this has now not happened. And things have gone to a head.

I agree with 80sWaistcoat - when you feel like you're in stalemate, it's often helpful to step back and a break could be exactly what you need.

It's interminable living in a house with someone who you're not getting on well with, and you do deserve to feel comfortable in your own home (as does your stepson, but that's a different matter).

Maybe stepson taking a week away, or you taking a few days out will give you a bit of clarity (this may be pie-in-the-sky thinking, I know you often can't just walk away from your house for three days). A break could also give you and DH time to talk

Waistcoat is also right in saying that most (average) 19 year olds would be gunning to move out and live on their own (I know I was) - so it really won't be forever.

ooo cross post.

Could you take a little trip away one weekend, with your DC and DH...just to get some space.

You could try some of the sneaky things that people do to make life a bit uncomfortable so that their grown up kids move out. Loud shagging, letting the younger kids run around and be really noisy when he's trying to sleep, making constant demands on his time, expecting him to go out and spend time with you. Accidentally switching the wifi off and changing the password. Having the fridge quite empty....getting your DH to be embarrassingly Dad-affectionate with him...

Mostly though getting your DH to agree that his rent needs to go up so that the benefits of moving out outweigh those of staying with you.

That made me laugh.
My kids already make noise and he moans about it but I could try the loud shagging! Mode you he has earphones in constantly so he probably wouldn't hear it! Lol X

He went on a lads holiday in July for a week and I was shocked and so was husband as to what a different person I was.

My husbands words recently were this is not a happy house as it was when we first moved in!

If the stepson goes back to his mums for the weekend I just feel so much more relaxed and happier.

Thanks for making me laugh x

I think you need to take more action, OP.

What are your finances like? I think it would be better (if you could afford it) for you and your husband to live separately, even if it's for a year or two so until his son's ready to leave. I'm not in favour of kicking older teenagers out of the house. I was quite moved by what you said about his son had hoped he could live with his dad but hadn't factored on him meeting you and your family.

Would it be possible to rent a flat for both of them (your step son might see how ridiculous that is, when his friends are living with their mates) and have your husband come round to yours on a regular basis? It seems as though his son isn't mature enough to live on his own.

Even if you started these discussions, it would be something. It would tell your husband that you are really unhappy and it would tell his son that his dad is still there for him.

I'll probably be shot down in flames now!

I appreciate your thoughts, there is no right or wrong answer.

I have already said as a comment to my husband maybe we should not be living together as my 15 year old doesn't have a great relationship with my husband either but nothing near the problems between me and my stepson!

I just feel actually we are so happy together after both going through awful divorces that why should we make sacrifices when all our children are looked after and want for nothing.

There is no way we could live sore rarely without selling the house and I believe that would mark the end of us if I am honest

And it is not as if he has nowhere else to go.

He bleats on about how his mum lets him do this and do that at hers at weekends so he could go back there and as I said he has said he is here for convenience and I truly believe that is true so why should our lives be turned upside down on his convenience

I don't want this to sound critical, but why did you marry your husband when you knew your son didn't get on with him and would have to live with him?

I've known quite a few women who've had relationships where they've lived separately until the kids are 21 or so (that's when they've entered the relationship when the children are in their teens.) I think that would be a happier relationship than one where people live in the same house but dislike each other.

OP why did you move in together so soon? Did you think it was all going to go swimmingly? If his mum had died he would have to live with you.

Teenagers falling out with their mothers are as inevitable as night follows day and it doesn't mean that they have a fundamental issue with female authority. Teenagers are selfish beyond belief and everyone knows that and it is not news that they do nothing about the house without being nagged to death. Your step son didn't spoil your special relationship with your husband, you and your husband did that by rushing into living together and being completely unprepared for the reality of living together with children from a previous relationship. You should have realised that it wasnt going to be like the Waltons.

There has to be a lot of give and take with teenagers and as a previous poster said why not let him cook at 9pm and tell him he can do so as long as he cleans up. Make it a bit of a laugh and let him know you both want different things but there has to be give and take. He isn't going to become cleaner of the week and you are going to have to keep telling him to clean up. Try doing it with compassion for him because the dishes being cleaned are not a priority for him. Fitting in with his pals, trying not to feel inadequate and trying to find his way in life are his priorities now. Teenagers are crucified with uncertainty. They need a lot of support.

He is only 19 and teenage boys can be very sensitive underneath the bravado. He isn't a grown man and my heart broke for him when you said that he told you he felt unwanted and that he cried because he felt under threat of getting kicked out of his home. He knows that you think that it is inconvenient for him to live with you and knows that you think he is spoiling your special relationship. Teenagers are extremely observant and perceptive people.

You are not going to like his type of music and 5 year olds listening to Beyonce are singing songs with sexual innuendos. That's just the way it is and you are wasting your energy focussing on that issue. You just don't like him being there and it is very apparent when you use expressions like 'he bleats'. Try listening to him and trying your best to at least be kind to him. He didn't ask to be in this position.

Your 15 year old might not be the most pleasant housemate when he reaches 19 or even earlier than that but the difference is he won't be threatened with being kicked out of his home when he is being a pain in the arse. You and your husband are responsible for creating a happy home and you need to try harder.

You might think that I am being harsh but the reason I am being so straight with you is because I live with my teenagers one of whom is a 19 year old boy and he is not easy. There are times when I can't see him far enough. His behaviour has been very extreme at times with the police and other authorities involved. If I ever feel threatened in my home he will have to leave. I am not parent of the year but I do love him very much and use tactics that I struggle at times to use i.e. I sit him down when he is being a nightmare and I tell him how much I love him and care for him and will never stop loving him even when he is being a complete and utter shit. This doesn't even work half the time and he doesn't listen but I hope something sinks in.

Your DH needs to wise up very quickly and take some responsibility for caring for his son instead of leaving it all to you. Best wishes to you because you are in a tough situation but one that you can make better with a little bit of creative thinking.

Sincere apologies for the long post, teenagers are just an issue close to my heart (even though I could gladly strangle them half the time).

I agree with the above post. The eldest child can seem awful purely because they are the first to go through the selfish teenage years.
I was going to suggest counselling for you up thread but it seemed a bit extreme but you do seem v angry- is it partly misdirected anger at your DP for not pulling his weight in the situation. Or have you live with a selfish family member before.

...I mean such as a spoilt sibling or angry parent, the emotions can return but are directed at someone else.

Yes, teenagers are selfish, confused, emotional etc But that doesn't make them the top priority in a family. It doesn't mean they can't change or learn or be guided to become more rounded people.

There are plenty of rules in life for all of us, bills to be paid, ways to behave to ensure harmonious living, compromises to be made, consideratoion to be given.

If an adult doesn't want to play their small part in a house with four other people in it then they can choose to move out. It's not all about them.

It doesn't really help to say 'if he was your biological son' because he isn't and if he was, OP could have some authority in her own home. Equally, his mother didn't die.

OP, from what you have said it sounds as if you have made an effort. I think it's now time for your DH to make an effort. If he really thinks his 19-year-old son will not see him again just because he asks him to be a bit more considerate and responsible then surely there is a lesson there for both of them.

I've come to this site with my own dilemma, and this thread fits the bill, except the roles are reversed.
My son is 20, and is away travelling. The relationship between him and my husband broke down , and he said son can't come home with when returns.
I also deal with his very challenging daughters every weekend, and husband works away all week.
My son returns in February, and I am in a no win situation.
I have to make a choice between husband and son, will lose on or other, pretty sure of that.
Husband has stated no second chances.
So I feel for your husband, he can't choose either, and whatever I irritates you about the stepson, may not bother him. Your stepson won't be there forever, and they are selfish at that age, so please try and accommodate him.
Step- parenting seems to be all the grot of children, none of the love

Wow what you going to do Pinklady?

It seems extraordinary that your husband thinks it is perfectly fine for you to have to put up with his daughters every weekend and yet he won't put up with your son. Do you never get any alone time with your DH?

The stories you here on these step threads are enough to make people stay single for ever and ever.

I think there is only one answer , do I want to be with someone who won't accept my son? That has to be no, which is what I'm trying to face up to.
We get little alone time, Sunday eve , and the occ mini break .t
The majority of time his high maintenance girls are here- his words, so I step back to allow time with their dad.
I sound a bit of a doormat, which I'm not, just dreading the pain of separation etc
But , as he says, his kids are his priority, mine are too.
His argument is his are 11&14, mine 20,22 c, so no longer need parental support .
I'm sure he'll feel differently when they reach that age

That is the choice that I would make too. You don't sound like a doormat to me and the pain of separation is very real. Young adults of 20 and 22 need support and his girls will definitely need support when they reach that age.

He is probably overreacting and when faced with the reality of losing you he will change his stance. He probably thinks that you will make alternative living arrangements for your son when he comes back in February and that life will go on as normal in the house.

He sounds like he is at his wits end with his daughters and stressed with all the kids and the current arrangements. Would it be an option for you to sell the house you are in and live separately until the children have flown the nest? It might sound a bit drastic but it would be an awful shame for an otherwise good relationship to end when the children won't be there forever. It might feel like forever LOL but it won't be.

That way your son will always know that you will be there for him and your DH knows that you love him enough to fight for your relationship.

If you separate you both have to go through the trauma of separating from someone you love just for the sake of the kids who will eventually leave. Then what, embark on new relationships which will have their own set of problems.

Maybe if you sit down and explain to the children/young adults the impact their behaviour is having they might wise up. Could you investigate family therapy or mediation. With more and more blended families there are bound to be services out there.

I really hope it works out for you. You two could have a very nice life together when you are on your own.

Do you think there might be a steroid issue affecting his mood?

It sounds like you prioritize your own kids over him. He's not allowed to cook beefsteak he might wake up your 7 year old, yet you don't want to cook for him either? What's he supposed to do? Would you be this arsy when your kids are 19? I also can't see what this lad is doing wrong. Sounds like you just want him out of your little family as he doesnt fit in with your idea of family life. You sound really cynical. Turning on the tears etc. He actually has nowhere he can be sure of a welcome does he?

I'm glad another poster recommended those light hearted tactics. I was going to suggest being naked in your own home. That works a treat for some parents. No doubt that might offend some readers, or be seen as a human rights abuse or something.

Sounds like as the adults in charge you're not setting consequences for his unreasonable behaviours. You're just telling him the same thing, so he's doing the same thing, no wonder you're all frustrated. Someone has to break the pattern.

E.g. if mum is happy to have him back (many wouldn't be) and he leaves the house in a mess, say (after x warnings), DH and mum could agree that DH drops off his stuff with mum. Make sure you have the conversation with him, check he understands and most importantly ensure DH follows through. If he doesn't, decide whether you can remain with a husband that won't allow his son to grow up and take responsibility. Some action like a break away from DH (could someone have your kids for a night) seeing a counsellor or a solicitor might focus your DH's mind.

But the naked thing might just do it.