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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dislike Dss

34 replies

BlueSnow18 · 03/09/2016 20:15

I've been with my partner for nearly 2 years and he has a 5yr old ds. This wasn't a problem until we moved in together. I've got a 2yr old ds who is picking up very quickly all of dss bad habits. Things such as eating with mouth open, using hands to eat instead of cutlery, not saying please and thank you, jumping on furniture and sighing when asked to do things.
Dss is not my son and if I say anything to him it causes a lot of upset (I told him off for picking his nose and wiping it on the sofa!) it ended in tears, sulking and his mum having words with my partner about it.
I feel terrible as it's not his fault, he was brought up with manors not being important, but I dread the weekends we have him as ds is always so naughty during and after his visits.
My partner is good at keeping on top of prompting him to remember his manors but it doest help with my feelings towards him, especially as I feel at 5 you shouldn't have to prompt a child to remember their manors.
Please tell me I'm not a bad person for feeling like this and it gets easier!?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ImperialBlether · 03/09/2016 20:17

The thing is that if you're taking on the man, you're taking on his child, too. You only have two choices: you and your partner go all out to improve his son's behaviour or you leave. You can't do it alone and you can't leave things as they are.

ImperialBlether · 03/09/2016 20:18

I think if his mum is letting him do what he wants and isn't parenting with her ex (your partner) then there's no chance at all, tbh.

GeneralBobbit · 03/09/2016 20:20

I think at 5 you do have to help children with their manners. A lot.

FrancisCrawford · 03/09/2016 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longdiling · 03/09/2016 20:24

Yes, I agree with General. It shocked me how much my kids went backwards with manners when they got to about school age. They suddenly needed prompting and started eating with hands, not flushing the loo etc etc. I think the problem here is that you should be able to deal with this kind of stuff as it arises without ww3 erupting.

Flywheel · 03/09/2016 20:27

Yep - I think the majority of 5 year olds need to be reminded about manners, at least occasionally. Your expectations are probably little unrealistic. Cue lots of posts saying their 5 year olds have perfect manners at all times

Ilovenannyplum · 03/09/2016 20:29

I have 4 step kids aged 8-15, I have to constantly remind them about manners, please, thank you etc
Drives me crazy, their mum literally gives no shits about manners and it's super hard to try and counteract her not caring when we only have them for 4 nights a month.

exLtEveDallas · 03/09/2016 20:32

Dear God, he's 5. At 5 they have to be CONSTANTLY reminded - and your DS will b EXACTLY the same.

Bloody hell woman, get a grip.

Crasterwaves · 03/09/2016 20:34

At this age most kids need reminding about manners often and many are not remembering to chew with mouth closed, use fork correctly etc.

CRazzyyAce · 03/09/2016 20:35

Of course it's the mums fault ....: 🙄 Do you think he's naughty as he's fighting for attention off his dad and is abit jealous your kid gets to see his dad more than him. You are being awfully hard on it and if I was this boy's mother I would be cross too. If you can't like him than this relationship isn't for you.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/09/2016 20:41

Lol - at 5 they're still acquiring manners, they're a work in progress. You correct dss as you would your own, hopefully in a positive and encouraging way. You're expecting a lot of him and when your own dc gets to that stage I'm sure it will become more apparent.

The bigger issue is your DP and your role as SM now that you live together. Would he expect other family members to tell off/'parent' dss either in his presence or out of it?

If my dcs misbehave I fully expect their SM to tell them off (& maybe issue a minor consequence). The 'heavy' stuff I would expect exH to deal with.

wheresthel1ght · 04/09/2016 08:49

You are unbelievably unreasonable.

My dsc are 13 & 10.5 and I still have to remind them about manners - they are children and your dp's son is 5 ffs he is tiny and you are being awful.

For the child's sake leave because this will not end well

Original poster

BlueSnow18 · 04/09/2016 09:19

Thanks for the support ladies (please note the sarcasm!)
I will openly admit I haven't bonded with him for the simple reason of I don't know how to. He is the only 5yr old boy I know and i am clueless!
It is reassuring that it's normal for all kids to act that way, I'm clearly expecting too much of dss and ds (not sarcasm!).
Unfortunately dss mum would not agree with me taking any role of parenting in dss life, even though dp is happy for me to.

OP posts:

CRazzyyAce · 04/09/2016 09:28

You don't have to take on a parenting role but you can be a bit more kinder to him and make allowance instead of being so hard on him.

swingofthings · 04/09/2016 09:38

When you pick up on his manners, how do you do it? There is a big difference between 'Toby darling, remember about using your fork like a big boy rather than your hands. I know it's more fun using hands, but it doesn't look very nice for people looking at you', all this with a big smile, and 'Toby, you've been told over and over to use a fork, using your hand is disgusting, why do you need to be told a hundred time' with a face of thunder.

Also, are you also picking up on the good things he does? Because if you only focus on the negative, you can be assured that he will associate you with contempt and will quickly grow to dislike you very much.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 04/09/2016 10:07

I have a 5 year old DS, and at that age they do need constant reminders.

You don't need to have a big smile on your face when you remind them though. They need to know that you're serious. If I was to smile when telling my DS to use a fork he would think I am joking and would laugh.

Be firm but don't be a drip.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 04/09/2016 10:10

Be firm but kind, but don't be a drip < that should say.

Fianceechickie · 04/09/2016 10:18

Constantly surprised how cruel and judgemental people can be on here. As if parenting someone else's child who you don't have a natural bond with yet is easy? And suggesting op should leave the relationship?? Step parenting is fraught with these type of issues. I'd stick to your guns. Insist on good behaviour, in a firm and fair way, continue to remind him and ignore the trouble from the ex. You need a thick skin to step parent...especially if you're going to post on here! Don't worry about feeling as if it's affecting your ability to like the child, that's normal. Give it time and try to imagine he's your own and try to act accordingly. There's no rule book and no magic wand. And before anyone jumps on me, I have a fantastic relationship with my two dsc 4 yrs in but it's not plain sailing.

hermione2016 · 04/09/2016 11:01

I would agree with others saying 5 is still too young to expect manners on a regular basis.

I would however caution about staying with a man when you don't bond with his child.For your sake, I would consider leaving as you partner has to choose his son over you and it will cause tension.If he has realistic expectations of your role (as bonus parent, not actual mum) then fine but if he acts in Disney mode you will never find a happy balance.

oklumberjack · 04/09/2016 11:07

Good grief. My dd is 9 and I have to remind him of manners, constantly. He's constantly finding new ways of grossing me out. Yesterday I found an array of objects (?) frozen in small containers in our freezer. They are an 'experiment'. One time I caught my ds seeing in his bedroom bin!! (He was desperate apparently).

Other times he surprises me by offering to set the table for dinner of making potato mash.

Your ds is 5. FIVE. He's a baby who doesn't see his dad all week. You really need to woman up and have a word with yourself.

oklumberjack · 04/09/2016 11:08

Weeing !! Not seeing.

wheresthel1ght · 04/09/2016 13:12

Chickie no one is being cruel but the child is 5. He is barely more than a baby and anyone who needs telling that really needs to have a strong word with themselves.

Yes I suggested she leaves because she quite clearly dislikes the child. Again he is 5. Other than exist he has done nothing wrong. She is the adult and she needs to grow up.

I am normally very supportive of step parents because it is hard to be one. But really she is beyond unreasonable and very clearly doesn't want the child in her life. So for the child's sake she should leave

swingofthings · 04/09/2016 13:21

You don't need to have a big smile on your face when you remind them though
I don't think you can be firm whilst still having a smile on your face. By smile I don't mean a beaming one, but showing gentle features, especially for something as inconsequential as holding a fork. I would say that this is even more essential when you are a SM and therefore whether you taking on the disciplining role is questionable in the first place

PepsiPenguin · 04/09/2016 13:26

I don't think it is fair to say she actually dislikes the child, she might really feel like that or she might actually be at the end of her rope with it all and has worded her feelings in correctly.

What I get from her post is that, like many many StepMums in relationships with NRP's is not understanding where she fits into everything. The comment of, DC mum doesn't want me involved at all is a common comment. Nobody knows what the DC says to his mum when he returns home, we don't know if mum is probing for the details on his "awful" stepmum. If mum is in fact calling up the DC father complaining the child has been asked to eat with a knife and fork and that is then being shared with the OP of how awful she is, she's going to end up feeling more stuck between a rock and a hard place and less clear on what her role is here. Equally kids at 5 are very good at testing boundaries and crying about how unfair she is, is going to happen - if she was confident in her role she could reinforce rules of the house and I'm sure any crocodile tears would quickly dry up.

Personally, I'm of the view that when DC is in your home OP you do have to step into responsible adult mode, so yes you need to "parent" in "remember we use our knives and forks" and then the child is clear that in your home that is what you do, but you need to discuss this with your DP, you make the rules in your home not his ExW/ExP, he needs to make that very clear with her when she phones to complain.

It's a mind field being a stepmum it is a difficult role, I am a few chapters into step monster and recomend it, if only that you read and think "at last someone gets it"

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 04/09/2016 13:34

swing Sometimes I skip using gentle features though. Depends on what he's doing really He knows he's not allowed to jump around on the couch for example, so I don't think twice about frowning at him whilst telling him to stop when he does do it!

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