Dsd and BF staying over

[thepurplehen]

Dsd is 18 and has a BF who is the same age.

Dsd lives with us and visits Mum one night per week.

BF has started staying at ours overnight in the last week or so, he's a nice lad and we are aware they are in a sexual relationship.

I'd like to gauge how often we should allow the BF to stay over? The last week, she has been with him every night albeit some nights at ours, one night at Mum's and some nights at his.

Depends on what you are all comfortable with I think.

If he was at yours 7 nights a week then I'd say it was too much but as they are splitting their time between three homes then as long as they aren't leaving a mess or making too much noise at night I'd let them carry on.

Just make sure it doesn't affect work or study too much and that they are using contraception.

I wouldn't even want it happening every week! I wouldn't be letting my own kids have stopovers of any kind on a regular weekly basis, so the answer would be no!

She is 18 - if they are behaving like adults - ie not being inconsiderate, fair share of house work etc. - treat them like adults and let them get in with it ? If their being a pain them decide the max you can bear :) ie Ds1 and girlfrien house sit for me and its tidier than when I leave - DS2 is allowed no overnights

Thank you.

I have friends who have never allowed their kids a sleepover with friends or girl/boy friends, and friends who have the girl/boy friend living with them.

I think we'd be happy with something in between, but just trying to get some other opinions.

I am finding the never knowing who's coming for dinner difficult though and have tried tackling dsd on this but don't feel I'm getting very far as she told me she couldn't possibly tell me until the last minute as she never knows what her plans are each day.

The dinners thing is just rude, especially coming from an 18 year old who wants to be treated as an adult.

In that case I'd plate up her dinner, just the one, for which she should be grateful. She and the boyfriend can share it if they are too rude to give you notice.

Also, because I like my own space a lot, I'd only be comfortable with the sleepovers a couple of nights a week. I couldn't be arsed with all the extra kitchen and bathroom queuing, cooking etc.

I know she's 18, so an adult, but it is your house, I would say you should lay some ground rules.

*she has to let you know 24 hours in advance if he will be round (especially if joining for supper)

*Depending on which you prefer, either weekends only, or no more than 3 nights a week (if she lived alone and were on benefits, and he stayed more than 3 nights a week, the council would class him as living there, which would affect her claim.)

The dinner thing used to really wind me up. So I just cooked for Dh and me. Dss cooked for himself or started asking me in advance. His dad still did the whole cooking enough for him in the nights he cooked. It all worked out.

If Dss cooked separately he had to tidy up.

Oh my the dinner thing! Know that one. I know everyone is different, but I am of the view that once the home starts to feel like a student den then it's gone too far. It's a parent and family home first and foremost.

A text from an elder child and a request that their BF stay a couple of hours before dinner is the least I'd expect. I presume you and your partner pay for the house? Pay the bills? Then it is not equal, and not a hotel.