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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is it the other parents right to know about a new partner?

19 replies

Rosewine72 · 26/08/2016 08:45

Just wondering what your opinions are on this, myself and my ex have always been honest about new partners and breaking up even though I've felt embarrassed sometimes to admit another relationship hasn't worked out!
My dp's ex has broke up with her husband but then got back together again, but now it seems he doesn't seem about, reports of days out with another man, but the children are very tight lipped about everything, dp has not asked them out right as not sure it's the right thing to do , they are 10 and 12 and the 12 year old is very protective of her mum. The mum has a history that I won't go into of being a tad unstable but has my dp got a right to know of a change of circumstances or is it none of his business, we were having this conversation last night and wondered what others thought ? Thanks.

OP posts:

Zampa · 26/08/2016 08:50

If your DP trusts his ex with the children and trusts her to make the right decisions for them, I would recommend leaving it well alone.

abbsismyhero · 26/08/2016 08:52

Leave it alone the kids will tell there dad if there is a problem at home as long as they have a good relationship?

Interestingfactsabouttoes · 26/08/2016 08:54

I don't think anyone has the right to know if their ex is with someone new, however if there are children involved I believe it is the decent thing to inform the other parent that there is a new person around their child.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 26/08/2016 08:58

Zampa, he doesn't trust her at all, and she has a history of using coccaine and mixing with the wrong people, hence his concern 😬

OP posts:

OpenMe · 26/08/2016 09:00

I don't think he has any right to know but as mum's new partner is one if the biggest risks to a child, I think he should.

CannotEvenDeal · 26/08/2016 09:05

has my dp got a right to know of a change of circumstances

In a word, no, BUT he absolutely has the right to be concerned given the drugs background. How long ago was that? Just because she hung out with the wrong people previously doesn't mean that the new guy is necessarily bad news if that makes sense.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 26/08/2016 09:09

Ok should he ask his ex, or leave well alone and wait till the dc say something, though I don't think they will as they seem sworn to secrecy, though they obviously tell us other things such as days out with other guys and parties at their house etc. It is a tough one but I can tell he's worried but not sure what to do!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 26/08/2016 09:13

No it doesn't cannotevendeal, he might be a decent guy, but we don't know for sure what's happened to the husband, but we do know that recently there is a very good chance she has been dabbling with coccaine but of course we don't know anything for sure, maybe it's just best left for now, these things normally come out eventually. The mum unfortunately has a history of being unstable, not seeing her dc and vanishing, or then not returning them, it's always been a delicate relationship between my dp and his ex.

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CannotEvenDeal · 26/08/2016 09:36

I would advise against asking the children at this stage but do pay very close attention to what they say about things.

Also, when you say 'parties' I hope to God she's not doing drugs with the kids around. It's a bit of a red flag that they've not been together long but they're holding parties together at home. Given her history, that is.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 26/08/2016 09:47

Well that's the concern cannotevendeal, we don't know anything for sure, can't prove anything but we have heard things that raise suspicion, just a worry, they don't live with their mum the majority of the time but when they are there , there is always loads of people there , parties etc. I think the kids quite enjoy that though lol

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WannaBe · 26/08/2016 19:03

TBH while I don't necessarily think that the ex needs to discuss having a new partner with their ex, I do think that asking the children to keep it secret is a step too far. After all, if there is a new partner, with children, who spends time there and they spend time with them then that's a whole section of their lives they're expected to not talk about.

I don't tell my ex what the status is of my relationship with my DP, but my DS knows, and so I just take the view that ex will know through DS. i.e. When we got engaged it was DS who told eXH, as it was DS who told me when eXH got engaged. Although eXH did tell me when his DP fell pregnant, but I suspect there was more to it as we had TTC unsuccessfully for six years prior to splitting up......

But if there are concerns relating to drugs then I would be in touch with SS re the children's welfare. Although if they don't spend much time there it may not be relevant.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 26/08/2016 22:08

I think it is tricky. The kids can instantly tell if they are being asked for info on their mum. And also if there isn't one stable relationship, then an Ex isn't going to continually report on circumstances that change a lot.

If the goal is to protect the kids, then building up trust and stability with them directly will help. If the mum really is a bit unstable then the more residency with the father the better I imagine?

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 26/08/2016 22:25

Yep very true bananas!

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swingofthings · 27/08/2016 06:37

At that age I think it is none of his business and indeed, they are at the age when they really don't want to talk about their parent's partner.

I really noticed how my kids reduced how much they told me about their weekends with their dad, that was just because their lives had evolved with showing more interest in talking about other matters.

They are now teenagers and only rarely mention things about their dad and SM, and usually that will be something that actually happened a few weeks or even months back.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 27/08/2016 09:40

I know what your saying swingofthings, and it really is none of anyone's business what she does with her private life or how she chooses to spend weekends with her dcs except this is a bit unusual as there may be drugs involved, she had a history of being unstable, having affairs, being irresponsible, manipulating the children, and this has effected their well being and the youngest is 10 and a very young and vulnerable 10 so were near a teen really and well the 12 year old is at a very impressionable age, so I do think he should know who is involved in their life, but how he finds that out is a mystery, I suppose the girls will tell him when they are ready. With my ex it's so different, I have told him in the past when I have broken up with someone as I was worried how it would effect the dcs but also I knew they would tell him anyway. Now I'm settled they tell their dad things like when I got engaged and they tell me things about their dad and his gf, I don't feel there is any probing from either party but there is no secrets.

With my dps ex it is so different always full of dramas and lies 🙄 And this does effect the dcs. We are all going away today for a fun weekend maybe they will open up a bit this weekend !

OP posts:

NNChangeAgain · 27/08/2016 10:15

this is a bit unusual as there may be drugs involved, she had a history of being unstable, having affairs, being irresponsible, manipulating the children, and this has effected their well being and the youngest is 10 and a very young and vulnerable 10 so were near a teen really and well the 12 year old is at a very impressionable age, so I do think he should know who is involved in their life, but how he finds that out is a mystery,

If he's concerned about their welfare when they are with their mum, he involves the authorities. He can call SocServ for advice, explain his concerns about the risks he believes his DDs are being exposed to and take it from there.
I'm surprised there aren't previous SocServ reports, TBH, you say there's history of cocaine/parties/lack of trust in her parenting/instability/irregular contact ........

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 27/08/2016 12:54

Well I didn't want to go into it but it is going to court, a couple of weeks for the first hearing and cafcass are involved and recommending a drug test and psychological report, I just wanted to know the general consensus without exposing all that, but I guess it's a bit different to the norm

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NNChangeAgain · 27/08/2016 14:26

I just wanted to know the general consensus without exposing all that

The problem is that the consensus - and family court - operate on the assumption that both parents are good enough unless there is evidence otherwise.

If both parents are "good enough" then how they parent is down to them and the other parent shouldn't interfere.

In this case, there is evidence that your DSC mum may not be "good enough" so you can't apply the consensus to this case.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 27/08/2016 16:02

Yeh your right NNChangeAgain ,but it does seem that in normal circumstances the other parent would be informed of a new partner either by the dcs or the parent which I think is only right tbh, you do kind of want to know who is around your children but I personally wouldn't dream of interfering unless I was particularly concerned. Anyway let's see what happens and what the court orders on various issues! Stressful time!

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