advice needed :( long sorry!

[bubblebell1]

i dont really know where to start but basically i have a ds ( age 5) from my previous marriage. i am now 39 weeks pregnant again and have a new partner.

i wanted advice and reassurance really about my dp. he can be so good with ds, teaching him things and playing etc but it seems to me to be very inconsistant. if ds is grumpy or sad dp will make snide comments all day to ds. he will go from having the patience of a saint to none at all and the worst of all is if he is naugty he throws his real dads lack of interest at him (my xdh.

my ds is so used to it just being him he is the only grandchild in the whole family and i know that with te impending arrival of his brother he is nervous and perhaps a little jealous. this morning he wanted to bring his teddies down stairs and dp made an issue out of it saying he was a girl and then carried on making comments about it until he left for work. then just as dp was leaving ds wiped his eye and he started souting saying he was sick of him acting like a girl and whats wrong with im etc.

when i stand up for ds and say that this isnt the way you parent a child dp says well he is yours i will leave it all to you then. i cant win.

all i am asking is for him to be more compassionate ds isnt a stroppy teenager he is 5 years old.

what would you do in this situation?

am grateful for any advice

xx

Personally he sounds like a bully... but then that's just my opinion. He doesn't sound like someone I would want round my child.

thanks.

i do feel apprehensive with baby coming, i am having a cs and will be leaving ds with dp and his mum while i am in hosp. i will try the parenting books and ds and i are very close perhaps thats another issue for dp.

i had a terrible childhood and altho i know there is no right way to parent a child i do know that whats happening at home at the mo. is very wrong.

thanks again xx

I feel really shocked by this and very upset. You are in a difficult position as you are having a baby with this man, but he sounds just horrible and I do worry your son will be damaged by being forced to live with these kind of comments. The stuff about his real father is just unforgiveable IMO. The thought of another person doing this kind of thing to my little boy literally makes me want to cry. Has he always been like this? Is this new? Is he particularly stressed about something? It has to be tackled and cannot be allowed to continue. Would he read a book? Watch something like Child of Our Time with you?

when he isnt being short with ds he is a very good step parent. takes him to work with him and to football practice teaches him to read and plays games. it is this inconsistancy that confuses me .ds is prob more confused than me.

aloha

this is all very new.

like i said on previous post he is mostly fab with ds. i am expecting his first child and wonder if perhaps he is anxious about that. also our financial situation has changed and my x h has stopped making payments for ds and hardly ever sees him.

it seems to me that when he is angry he makes nasty remarks. only for me to pull him up and ask what he is playing at.

he then appologises to me and ds and explains that he is angry with my x husband for neglecting ds.

i have explained that ds has experienced things even dp hasnt in his tiny life so he mite have strange (to dp) habits.

You seem to be saying both that he gets angry with you when you defend your ds, but that he also apologises to him. I'm a bit confused! Could you sit down and talk to him about this when he's not actually doing it, saying you want to back him up, but he is saying horribly hurtful things. I certainly do not think you should consider that you are doing anythign wrong by being close to your son.

annie
if push came to shove ds would come first. he always will.

aloha
sorry to of confused you. what i am trying to say in brief is that 90% of the time dp is a good sp to ds but that when he is annoyed or stressed he will make snide comments to ds. and the examples are posted previously.

bubble

your situation sounds v like mine. I have ds who is also 5 from previous marriage. DP and I have just got engaged and hope to have more kids soon.

DP is great with DS, 90% of the time. But he does expect him to be far more grown up than I think he's capable of IMO. I am so grateful for all the stuff he does for us both, esp DS. But I also get really confused when he criticises DS for what I see as normal child behaviour.

He has never said anything to DS about his dad (even though I know he thinks it and will say it to me in private). I don't know how I'd cope if he did DS's dad down to him and I think this is a problem for you, although you say you're close so surely you can talk to him about how harmful it could be?

If I do complain about anything DP does he also says "oh well you're a REAL parent so I'll leave it all to you then and not give you my opinion". Not very constructive!

The conclusion I have come to is that he is simply unable to feel towards DS the way a biological parent would. I don't think all step parents are like this and I feel v jealous when I hear of step-parents that treat their step kids as their own. But it is not in him, he says himself he is 'fond' of DS but clearly doesn't have feelings comparable to mine.

I am sure that once, hopefully, we have our own kids he will understand my feelings about DS and also understand children more. Hopefully that will mean that he then understands DS a bit more. If not, then as long as he treats him with the fairness and affection that he currently does and does not show favouritism for his own kids I shall be happy.

I read an article not long ago by a step parent who said her biggest regret was not her lack of love for her step kids, but the fact she didn't try harder to hide it. I found that quite profound!

DP does far more for DS than a lot of dads would, and probably less than others. Like you, I wish he would understand him more but then, I didn't understand kids like I do now before I had one of my own. Does anyone? Surely by having the commitment from him and the closeness you do you are half way there?

thanks friday you make alot of sense.

the way my dp speaks is not nice at times and i agree he does think ds is older than his years. but has done more for him in our time together than ds' 'real' dad has done in his lifetime. ds seems to ignore dps stroppy behaviour and when dp leaves the room ds says 'gosh he is a grumpy pants today'

this matter has materialised recently and i am sure it is to do with dps own anxiety about the impending birth and hopefully like you say when lo arrives on tuesday he will begin to understand what it is like to be a parent.

thank you
xx