2 year on, still no connection with DSD - drained [sad]

[phoebe30]

I've only been a step-parent for 2 years but find it hard that I have no connection what so ever with DSD. She has just turned 6 and hardly looks at me or speaks to me and if she has to its just a forced grin and a 'hhmmmm'. She's not naughty, in fact she never puts a foot wrong. I have tried but she doesn't want to know - all she wants is DP of BM. I can't stand the way she is being brought up by her BM who palms her off to anyone that will have her so she can go to the pub - usually us or DP's parents, she's by far a responsible parent and poor DSD only has clothes that fit if we buy them. She's like orphan Annie but adores her mum. I'm getting frustrated and bitter, that no-one will make BM take responsibility properly they all make excuses for her and pick up the pieces around her, why am I the only one that can see how awful BM is and I'm the only one that isn't liked by DSD. Maybe I've answered my own question?? I'm drained of the whole situation and sigh with dread everytime we have DSD over. I wish she mean't something to me because I love DP to bits and I can see it upsets him that his 2 favourite people don't connect but I hate to say it - if I never saw her again it would be a relief. How horrible am I??

phoebe30

You are NOT horrible. I feel the same way about my DSD. She is now 11 and I have been with her father, my DH for nearly 7 years (I was NOT the cause of the break-up between my DH and DSD mother). My DSD ignores me, when I ask her to do anything she blanks me totally (I don't ask anymore). She will also go home to her mother and tell her that I have been nasty to her (when I most certainly have not) and then my DH starts having a go at me.

I do know how you feel. It is awful situation.

Not horrible at all. I went through this with one of my SSs for years. I'd have sworn on my life that we'd never connect and to be honest I muttered some not terribly pleasant thoughts to myself at the time. But 5 years down the line we are really close and I do honestly love him and look forward to seeing him. He did exactly the same thing - nothing wrong but just blanked me. He'd walk in past me and never offer an hello etc. I just perserved (and luckily had a very patient and supportive DH to offload to)and kept being friendly to him. I know every child is different but in my SS's case he hates dealing with change and takes a long time to become comfortable with things. Now he comes up and asks for a hug or can we go read together etc and it feels like a minor miracle. Sorry you're going through this but don't be so hard on yourself, find some coping strategies (mine was to hide in a hot bath with a glass of wine and a book!) and perserve and celebrate the small things (they can hard enough to earn in step families sometimes!!). Is there anything that just you two could do as a joint hobby? I know that worked with my SS as he appreciated the 1-on-1 time.

And I completely agree with Anniemac's advice about trying to forget about the Mum. I've spent years getting wound up about things the boys' mum has done and still do. But it's made absolutely no difference to anything except my stress levels. Just wish I could take my own advice and stop doing it! Oh well....

I totally sympathise, I felt the same towards both my dsk's and I've been with their dad for 7 years, I dreaded them coming to stay, hated that they treated out house like a hotel, hated that my ds took a back seat to them etc etc, but it wasn't until I came across this forum a few weeks ago that I have completely converted and realised that it wasn't the kids I dreaded but the situation and other people mainly my mil grrr. We're quite lucky as in we get on really well with dsk's mum, we did have a run in when ds was born but thats old news now and we all agree that what matters most is dsk.

I made myself read every single post on the step parenting forum and I felt really guilty afterwards, others inclusing anniemac made me realise that they are just kids and they didn't ask for this, if its inconvenient for us can you imagine how the kids must feel, I even went as far as telling dsk that we will have them over the feb half term, they do live about 200 miles away so we dont get to see them often.

Now when dsk come to stay and the old feeling rear their ugly head which I know will, I will remind myself that its just for the week and enjoy them while we can.

Phoebe30, you are not a horrible person, it's only been 2 years, it took me 7, you will come to terms with it in your own time, I think the best thing to do is just carry on as normal, you said that you do try to make an effort and hopefully she may come round, if not then put a big smile on your face when she's there.

Phoebe, please dont think you're a bad Stepmom, you aren't... These things just take time, patience and perseverance.

I'm only 25 and i have a dsd who is 14 this month, i came into her life when she was 8. We aren't close, but she accepts me..

Thankfully in my case she already had a Stepfather on the scene for most of her life, so she was used to the step-parent way of life.. on the downside, i was her fathers first serious girlfriend/partner and the first time she'd have to share him since his marriage broke up 6 years previously.

The only thing i can suggest is just to simply be patient, dont show the contempt you feel for her BM (and trust me, i know how hard that is) and let her come to you when she's ready. Don't push, but gently offer to involve her in things you're doing, be it cooking, drawing, reading...etc. Make her time with you easy but fun and i'm sure she will eventually warm to you.

She's still little, there is plenty of time for you to work on your relationship, just please don't dispair.

Thanks everyone I feel better now. You've all obviously had hard times with this at some stage and got past them and I hope I can do the same. It's the effect BM's ways have on DSD that I find hard and having not had children myself I find DSD quite different to other children I know - won't eat anything (and is vegetarian), won't drink anything, she's always ill, won't play on her own, she just sits in front of the telly and I ask if she wants to do things - cooking, colouring, sticking, painting, go for a walk with the dog (she likes my dog), take her bike out - all I get is no thank you. Everyone babies her (carries her around, feeds her, dresses her etc) and I hope as she grows up she will become more independent. I will try and let it go over my head more - stress doesn't help anyone or any situation I know. I don't expect to love her or her to love me but like would be nice eventually and what I will work towards.

Wow...wished I came across this sooner.
I've been with my DH for 7 years and had my DSD's living with us for the past 8 months.
I've struggled with my feelings towards one of the children in particular...(made a posting regarding step daughter eating her own poo.POsted in the Special Needs Section by mistake).
I've struggled cos I realise as the adult, I should know better, but my heart is struggling to follow suit.
I'm doing my absolute best in a typically stressful situation,but my patience is wearing thin. Have given myself such a hard time for my feelings...but now I know I'm normal, thanks to this thread in particular.
Am reading through everything to do with step families, to gain more knowledge and advise etc, and now feel more relived and able to go on.

That is a lovely post NurseyJo. Those are all things I've done with dsd and I really hope she feels the same way as you.

Phoebe, my advice would be to try not to get frustrated about her mum. Whether she was the best mother in the world or the worst, your dsd will still love her because she's her mum, and there won't be anything that you can (or should) do about that. Just be the best step-mum that you can to her.

I just wondered how your dsd's mum feels about you? It's just that my dsd's mum hates me and then some and dsd knows this. I think she's always found it really difficult because her mum has made no secret of how she feels about me, and I expect she feels really torn between not wanting to be disloyal to her mum, but actually really liking me.

It must be so hard though to be ignored like you are and it must hurt. Is there anything that she likes doing that the two of you could do together?