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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

6 year old DSD with Instagram account

23 replies

Lambly · 19/08/2016 08:16

We've just discovered that 6 year old DSD's mum has set her up with an Instagram account. DP is raging. The guidelines clearly state you must be 13 to use the service and I'm sure I don't need to list here why we/he think it's an utterly terrible idea. Apart from persuasion is there anything we can actually do to get this removed. It's been set up on DSD's iPad and mum holds all the passwords etc which she won't hand over. Her rationale is that she only has friends and family following her and as its a private account it's harmless.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can stop this ridiculousness?!

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Dollyparton3 · 19/08/2016 10:00

You can report the account for being underage, but unfortunately I think that's the tip of the iceberg. We have ongoing battles with DSD's mother over her social media activity, she says she "doesn't understand our issue" when DSD has a public account with 1400 followers and is posting provocative images.

reporting the account for being underage is a good first call though

Original poster

Lambly · 19/08/2016 11:22

Thanks Dolly I'd been having a play around with it and realised it was an option, but I can also see that there are no guarantees it will be deleted.

If they were having this conversation at age 9 or 10 it might be slightly different, but 6 for goodness sake?! The mind boggles!!

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Dollyparton3 · 19/08/2016 11:53

6 is bonkers and Instagram is the work of narcissistic nightmares in my mind, I honestly think it's sad to encourage any young child to use it.

SoupDragon · 19/08/2016 11:59

Her rationale is that she only has friends and family following her and as its a private account it's harmless.

On the face of it, I do agree with this and DSs had Facebook aged about 9 or 10 with similar restrictions and I checked regularly.

However, 6 is utterly bonkers.

The age restriction is a bit of a red herring in a way as I believe it differs between countries and is down to data collection laws rather than any "danger" from the service. But 6 is bonkers as I said!

SoupDragon · 19/08/2016 12:01

I imagine it's fun though - taking pictures and having friends and family say nice things about them.

Original poster

Lambly · 19/08/2016 12:50

Thanks Soup. From DSD's perspective I can absolutely see why she'd want it. Her step brother and step sister (aged 7 and 9 respectively) have it and she doesn't want to feel left out and I completely understand her 6 year old logic that she would want it too.

However for her mother not to be able to see beyond that and encourage the narcissistic nightmare (brilliant Dolly!) that it is, signals worrying times ahead to me.

Hey ho, we'll continue with the rea

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Original poster

Lambly · 19/08/2016 12:51

Sorry, posted too soon!

We'll continue with the reasoning and see where that gets us (not very far I'm imagining!)

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NapQueen · 19/08/2016 12:53

As a parent I would insist on having full access to all accounts. If the mum isn't prepared to give your dh the passwords so he can take proper care of his dd's online security then I would be insistent that there is no iPad access on our house until such a time.

SoupDragon · 19/08/2016 12:55

Are you able to check what she's doing and monitor it?

Original poster

Lambly · 19/08/2016 13:01

DP's brother has been allowed to follow her so we can ask him to keep an eye on it.

My concern is less around what she posts and who follows her but more around what she'll see when she searches for things and the posts of the people she'll follow which her mum will have no control over. And also her mothers attitude that it's ok to expose a 6 year old to this online hell of likes equaling popularity, grotesque selfies and general narcissism.

She's 6 for goodness sake! I'm speechless!

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Dollyparton3 · 19/08/2016 14:20

I truly believe it should be a 16 lower age limit. we did a hashtag search recently on something like "Nike" or Adidas and loads of porn pics came up, people put them on there and kids can see them with no filtering system

It's the emotional damage that I'm more bothered about, instagram is spawning a generation of teenage girls who pout in front of the mirror every 5 minutes waiting for people to compliment them

Original poster

Lambly · 21/08/2016 09:38

Just a little update for anyone who's interested. We've managed to get the account removed. Mum has gone nuclear and we have a feeling we've opened a massive can of worms, but it gave DP the chance to have a really good chat with DSD last night about all sorts of things, but mostly that mummy and daddy work together when it comes to looking after her (I.e mummy is not in charge of everything!) and talk to her a little bit about Internet safety. So for now it's gone well, but it could be a very different story in a week!

Thanks all who've commented on this. I know no other stepmums IRL and this board is a great place to come to feel a little less isolated.

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SoupDragon · 21/08/2016 11:02

The only problem is that there is every chance she will just get a new account and you won't know anything about it.

cannotlogin · 21/08/2016 15:28

Have a bit of a Google - there is a number of scary videos made by the likes of the NSPCC etc that show young children the dangers of social media. It has a big impact. You can also send mum the links and say she's seen these and we have discussed them. At best, mum is perhaps not aware of the dangers - so may educate mum as well.

Dollyparton3 · 22/08/2016 22:13

Good news lambly! Shocked that you've had to deal with this one but at least you've got a little win on this one.

Tip for you, when DSD comes to stay next time, make sure some sort of phone downstairs at bedtime is enforced (our DSS would stay on his phone all night and is a horror the next day if not)

Make sure you know the passcode and check it over to be sure there's nothing else going on that you don't know about. And if Instagram is back on the phone, time to have a chat with the mother about policing your DSD's activity.

It sounds like snooping but my DP does it (I would never do it) every few months on the younger one's phone (not the older one) to be sure that he's not doing anything stupid.

NNChangeAgain · 23/08/2016 19:07

Yup - I agree with soup, no doubt that there will be another account set up that your DP knows nothing about.

But that doesn't actually matter. Because your DSD knows that he stepped in, stood up to her mum when something was important enough to him in order to try and keep her safe and she will remember that.

We went through all this drama - every time DH found out his underage DC's had a social media account, he reported it and it was deleted. His ex used to go beserk, his DC's would be pissed off, but then listen to him when he explained reasonably why he was concerned.

So when DH's DD got herself involved in a Twitter drama that resulted in her receiving death threats, she came and told him. Not her mum, who had let her have unrestricted access to social media, but her dad, who had always been concerned about her online safety. Together they sorted it out, involved the police and eventually, the perpetrators were prosecuted for making death threats to female politicians.

So, even if your DP's actions don't stop this in the short term, the messages he is sending his DD may well keep her safe as she gets older.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 23/08/2016 20:59

6? Wow. My DS also 6 has completely no interest in social media, he has no reason to, don't think he knows what Instagram and Twitter is to be honest. He has a tablet at his dad's which is protected and I'll get one for him at christmas. He enjoys playing games on mine. I find it scary what kids can get access to.

Original poster

Lambly · 24/01/2017 11:26

So a further update on the Instagram drama in our household. DSD received an iPod for Christmas (so that's a 6 year old with an iPad and iPod..........)

We of course then found the second secret Instagram account that had been set up with me and BIL blocked. We reported again, it's been removed again and I've set up another Instagram account to try and keep an eye on it.

Mum had told DSD to lie to her Daddy about the instagram account and to make sure he didn't look at her iPod to find it. She also has set her up with a Musically account (knowing nothing about it), her own bloody You Tube channel, and left all her location services on both devices switched on...............................

The poor child doesn't stand a chance.

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swingofthings · 24/01/2017 12:15

Ultimately, you are talking about a certain culture here and there is little you can do about it. I totally agree that this self gratifying self absorb attitude to this use of media is horrifying, and no surprised that it is leading to bullying when ultimately, so many people are using it brag, but what can you do? If her mum is absorbed in it, getting some pleasure from it, she will pass it on to her kids, and the one who isn't party to it is inevitably going to feel left out.

I think the best thing your OH and you can do is to expose her to different values so that one day, she can make her own choices. She is still young, so there is still a lot of good influences you can expose her too. If you had plenty of communication to it, then it will go in, even if it is not obvious there and then.

ChocoChou · 29/01/2017 14:37

Did you say her step siblings have it? One of them aged 7? Are they your children?
Apologies if I misread but if so isn't that horrifically hypocritical??

Original poster

Lambly · 01/02/2017 09:02

Yes, her mothers partners children have Instagram accounts - I have no children of my own yet!

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ChocoChou · 01/02/2017 09:04

Ah ok, thought it seemed off!

apeculiarparcel · 01/02/2017 09:09

It is absolutely ridiculous but it is obviously going to continue no matter what you say.

May it be better to say ok as long as we can follow you. Then set up accounts on these things so that at least you can keep an eye on what is going on?

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