Holidays and stepkids

[Dollyparton3]

just come back from a two week holiday with the step kids that very nearly saw me losing my rag daily with. Teenage DSD was rude to her dad and me on a daily basis, obsessed about social media every 5 seconds when we were there, had a complete meltdown any time we suggested going anywhere out of WIFI range and so we essentially spent two weeks staring at the 4 walls we were staying in.

Luckily the grandparents paid for this holiday out of an inheritance they recieved (I paid for myself even though it really wasn't my cup of tea, I hate doing nothing and come out in a cold sweat at the thought of two weeks sat being bored)

Now the demands from Teenage DSD have started for next year, where, when, how long for. Aafter the way that she spoke to her father and me a few times on this holiday I really don't want to get involved in paying the sort of money she's expecting after the grandparents paid it out this year out if she's going to be a wotsit for the whole holiday.

If it were up to me, I'd want to go somewhere where we perhaps travel, like a driving holiday through france or Italy. She's flatly refused demanding two weeks in some spanish hellhole staring at her phone.

What do other steparents do in this scenario? OH did a bit of a disney dad routine as he was just chuffed to bits with the chance to spend 2 weeks with them, I'm going to be paying for the next holiday as the major breadwinner but at the moment I'd rather not go if it's going to be doing something that I don't want to do.

[Dollyparton3]

I think this thread has potential to run and run with steer taken from experience on terrible holiday choices with stepkids. You have my sympathy Purplehen, you sound just about right with the way you've managed around the situation, short breaks, eating out etc.

Funnily enough our step kids mother has a caravan where they go 4 x a year and they sit in a "wifi hut" that seems to please them more than going abroad.

I mentioned to my DP recently that the biggest struggle that I had on this holiday was as much as I love his two to bits, I don't have "Unconditional love" for them like a blood relative would have. I'm not their mum, they probably can wind me up more than they would him and I don't have those fuzzy memories from when they were tiny to comfort me when they're moaning.

This thread has at least allowed me to see that I'm not a monster, but a two week trip with stepkids and inlaws was beyond the call of duty. Thank you all for making me not feel alone!

[rollonthesummer]

So stepdaughter already goes away 4 times a year on holiday!!

[LazySusan11]

You're definitely not alone Dolly! It's bloody hard work being a step parent we're just expected to get on with it and treat the kids like little kings and queens because 'we knew what we were getting into' er no, I certainly didn't!!

I think some parents also can conveniently forget that their own dc can cause them no end of aggravation, however as a step parent we are monsters if we admit how hard it is.

My dsd has told us she wants to go to the Bahamas on holiday next year, when I explained she'd be 9 hrs on a plane without wifi she asked if we could go to Tenerife instead.

[Dollyparton3]

I suppose she does rollonthesummer, it's a static caravan and normally the go in half terms, as it's ALWAYS to the same place i suppose I've stopped seeing it as a holiday. I suppose if I look at it in the cold light of day, I should stop worrying about the DSD criticising anything we put in front of her, I could take her to Brighton for the day and it would be a more exciting place to go than where the caravan sits!

[rollonthesummer]

You sound a really lovely step mum, by the way-it's an incredibly difficult job and hats off to you.

For what it's worth (with my zero experience of being a step mum but 20 years of teaching) I think she'll respect you and have a much better relationship with you in the future if you do put your foot down now and point out-in the very reasonable way that you have been-what you're prepared to poke up with! I've overheard kids laugh to their mates that they only have to cry and throw a strop and their step parents will drop everything to please them-that is not how I would like to be spoken about.

[nooofthenoodle]

2 weeks with step kids and in laws you must be nuts or a bloody saint to have even considered it!
Like the pp above I only ever went away for for a max of 4 nights with my dss ds and ex dp. Any more would have me committing a murder, or 3, especially in close quarters.
My ds and I always had a holiday without them, suppose that's another thread altogether.
I'm no longer a step parent. Thank god

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I only had one holiday with all the step kids and I might as well have been invisible, never again!

However, I did take each of my step kids away individually, for a weekend. I asked them what they wanted in advance, came to a compromise, and made sure I did one thing they REALLY wanted. It was the best time I've had with each of them, as there was no one else to side with for them, and we were just with each other, and I was treating them directly. I've washed their clothes and cooked for them for years, but that's invisible. But take them to one show they were crazy about, I got at least a few months of a really nice step kid!

[Chloecoconut]

I've been away for the last week my my DP and MY kids and bloody hell the man is a saint! My kids have been brilliant in many ways but they have also been horrors to both of us, especially my DS. My DSD sadly wasn't allowed to come with us (her mums choice as DSD wanted to come) - would have been interesting throwing another child into the mix as we had a couple of days away with all 4 children and DSD is just starting to find her feet (ie the cheek and rudeness is starting!!). Hats off to anyone who can holiday with their DSC for more than a week.

[OutToGetYou]

I am on holiday currently with dp and dss. It's only just bearable. I am having to do a lot of lip biting.

Today dss didn't come down from his room til three o clock. Then took nearly an hour to get ready to go out, after telling dp he didn't want to come out anyway (I'd have just gone out without him), when we were out he kept saying he was "done" (which means he's had enough) which I just ignored. The plan was to see a chateau and farm, have tea, and then go to dinner afterwards because I am fed up of eating bread and cheese (and dss not helping set out or clear away) every day. Dss said he "didn't exactly feel like eating out", I ignored him. He also "didn't exactly feel like" seeing the extensive chateau gardens.
It's like being followed around by a rain cloud and it's doing my head in.
It's not as if we're being particularly demanding either, leaving him alone til three pm!
He also keeps blethering about wanting to buy his new step dad a gift, he's only known him about two months. He's known me seven years and he's never bought me anything. Pisses me right off (esp as dp plays up to it so now we have to trail around looking for the thing he has randomly decided to buy).
Four more days......

[MeridianB]

Sheesh! How old is he? I'd ditch the pair of them and go out for the day.

[GirlOutNumbered]

I have two DS and also a 13 year old DSS. We have just come back from a three week tour down to Provence.
Next year, I will not be taking the step son!
He does get to go on other holidays with his mother and it is so much harder when there is 3. He was constantly on a device of some description and generally moaned his way though the holiday.
As a compromise we will take all three to a holiday park for a week and then take the other two for a touring holiday for the rest of the summer.

[OutToGetYou]

He's 15. Today has been worse. If we're not doing the exact thing he wants (which appears to be "nothing") then he's rude and sulky. I am so sick of it.
Today I decided to stop bothering to speak because he just argues with everything I say. And he waxes lyrical about his mum's new boyfriend and it's driving me up the fecking wall. (especially as the guy sounds like a pretty nasty piece of work who calls black people niggers and Asian people Pakis, and does work for food, lives in a caravan, doesn't pay any tax.... All this dss knows, so it's obviously stuff he says quite openly)
Dss also just constantly asks for expensive things. He keeps going on about some eight hundred pounds cam corder he wants. Telling us all the techy details, it's so BORING. Dp isn't buying it for him so he should tell him to shut up about it.
And he "needs" a new phone. He had my previous one which he seems to have broken and now has been given the mum's boyfriend's old one which he "hates", so he needs an I phone 6. Dp isn't going to buy him one so again he should just tell him to stop going on about it.
And now a special rucksack that has inbuilt cable management and chargers so he can keep all his devices (all the devices he "hates" and which are "so lame") charged at all times, which is £120. He's not getting that either. But it's all he talks about.
He sees something, he decides he has to have it. It's infantile. And dp never just says stop going on about it.

I can't really go off on my own, we only have one car and the gite is miles from anywhere. Might tell dp tomorrow that we're going out without dss and see what he thinks.
At least I won't have to go to yet another crepery!

[MeridianB]

Is your DP having a good time? Have you asked him? It sounds horrendous. Maybe they can go out for the day and you can have some peace?

[OutToGetYou]

He's always having a good time, he's just that sort of person.
Plus he would never ever admit dss was being a pain.
Dss won't go out with dp, if I was staying in he'd see this as an excuse not to go out too, so that wouldn't work (I have tried this before at home).
Dp has been going fishing each evening (we chose a place with its own fishing lake, yes, it's own fishing lake), because dp and dss both like fishing, but dss has refused to go with him every time. I won't go, the idea of fishing bores me rigid.

It's not that there's no peace as such, if ignored dss would just stay in his room, if we didn't go anywhere he'd happily (well, as happily as a teen does anything) just do that. So what is the point of bringing him on holiday?
He's been in his room since we got back from the beach at 6pm (an hour ahead here). Not uttered a word other than "no" when asked if he wanted to go fishing.
I've agreed with dp that he and I will go to a local chateau and cave tomorrow morning, leaving dss here on his own, then if dss wants to we'll go somewhere else in the afternoon. We'll have a picnic lunch by the lake I think.

[thepurplehen]

My dsd would sit in a darkened room with the curtains closed all holiday, unless made to come out, which was done incredibly reluctantly.

I pointed out that we didn't really need to pay for a holiday for her to do that, she could have stayed at her mums house and sat in her own darkened room!

[MeridianB]

So he likes fishing but refuses to go?

Can you trust him to not the burn the place down if he is left there for the morning?

[OutToGetYou]

He'll just play on his laptop/ipad (neither of which he would have brought if I'd had anything to do with it) so won't burn the place down. To be honest, we could just go and he wouldn't even notice.

He certainly used to like fishing and it was one of the things mentioned they could do when we were here. When asked what he wants to do he now says "nothing". Before we came the only thing he wanted to do was go swimming. But he's only been in the pool once (the gite also has its own pool) and when we went to the beach, first time he refused to even paddle, next time he paddled a bit but wouldn't go in and swim.

He's missed two meals so far by just not appearing after being told it's ready. I'm not chasing him down to have food.

[MeridianB]

You can only hope he will snap out of it in a couple of years .

I guess the only option now is to tune it out, just like this Dad does! Easier said than done, I know.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Glad you're planning your next holiday without your step kids OP.
It's not your responsibility to give them the holiday they feel they're entitled to so don't even try.

[Dollyparton3]

Thanks mycraneisfixed, I'm so relieved to see I'm not alone here.

Outtogetyou, we have the same keeping up with the jones demands. DSD has told us she's buying an iPhone 7 for xmas and wants everyone to contribute. It's hilarious. Why does a 15 year old need something that high spec? I work with people who live on their phones all day for work and they don't need one!

The only consolation is that we told her we'd match whatever she saves towards her first car. The clock is ticking and £700 on a smartphone will suck a bit of that budget up nicely 👍🏻

[princessjonsie67]

If your paying then they go where you want to go. If their dad wants to go else where then he can save and take them alonewhile you kick back and enjoy the peace and quite at home. I used to have the problem with my husband and his son. he moaned about never going abroad and being taken on holiday so one year I caved in and said he could join us. When planning the holiday he said he 1: didn't like the sun 2: didn't like sitting on a beach or by a pool 3: refused to wear summer clothes (he always wears jeans and a sweat shirt and boots even in the hottest weather. He demanded we took him to America and he wanted to go to San Diego to Comic Con or Australia . I suggested my husband take him alone. safe to say he still hasn't been on holiday with us or alone with his dad

[howtodowills]

This thread is reminding me of why I did the right thing in telling DP that I will no longer holiday with his daughters.
The thought of not having to waste another penny on having a perfectly nice holiday ruined is fantastic!

[Scorpiovenus]

lol after reading all these posts I will definitely not be allowing this to happen ever. I did worry about this and the concerns others have here.

Oh man that sounds like hell.

[Spanglyprincess1]

This is madness poor you op.
I may have a lot of issues with dp and the kids but they are polite.
They say thank you and enjoy a nice holiday with beaches and castles and walks and ice creams.
Bizaree that people expect more!

[SolsticeBabyMaybe]

She's being very cheeky asking for another holiday!

I'd just say 'no idea', 'haven't even thought about it yet' and repeat.

Then think about it in a few months if you decide you do want a holiday.