Holidays and stepkids

[Dollyparton3]

just come back from a two week holiday with the step kids that very nearly saw me losing my rag daily with. Teenage DSD was rude to her dad and me on a daily basis, obsessed about social media every 5 seconds when we were there, had a complete meltdown any time we suggested going anywhere out of WIFI range and so we essentially spent two weeks staring at the 4 walls we were staying in.

Luckily the grandparents paid for this holiday out of an inheritance they recieved (I paid for myself even though it really wasn't my cup of tea, I hate doing nothing and come out in a cold sweat at the thought of two weeks sat being bored)

Now the demands from Teenage DSD have started for next year, where, when, how long for. Aafter the way that she spoke to her father and me a few times on this holiday I really don't want to get involved in paying the sort of money she's expecting after the grandparents paid it out this year out if she's going to be a wotsit for the whole holiday.

If it were up to me, I'd want to go somewhere where we perhaps travel, like a driving holiday through france or Italy. She's flatly refused demanding two weeks in some spanish hellhole staring at her phone.

What do other steparents do in this scenario? OH did a bit of a disney dad routine as he was just chuffed to bits with the chance to spend 2 weeks with them, I'm going to be paying for the next holiday as the major breadwinner but at the moment I'd rather not go if it's going to be doing something that I don't want to do.

[Dollyparton3]

the problem with not going away at all is that because I want to go away for my birthday (in term time so it will be cheaper) I just know that it appears incredibly mean if I dont offer to take them away somewhere. However now I'm thinking that the attitude doesnt lend itself to an expensive treat of a holiday as reward. A camp site in the UK is looking rather appealing right now.

[juneau]

I'm fascinated where she gets this entitled attitude from when neither of her parents can afford to take her abroad. You might think, given her situation, that she'd be grateful to be going abroad at all!

How will your DP feel if you book something that she will hate, I wonder? YellowPrimula makes a good point. If you HAVE to take her away with you in order not to cause a family rift it might be worth thinking of some kind of compromise e.g. a week self-catering with pool and some interesting stuff nearby for day trips + a week by the sea. Bottom line, if you put your foot down without your DP's support you could well end up being the bad guy in both his and his DD's eyes. Are you prepared to brazen it out?

[amidestinedtobechubbyforlife]

for you OP you sound like a lovely stepmother. And if heaven forbid me and DH ever split and my DD or even DSD treated his new partner this way they'd be in for a world of shit. And so would he for letting them be ungrateful spoilt brats!!!

[rollonthesummer]

Schools don't let children out of school for term time holidays easily now-what a shame, she can't come...

[hillyhilly]

I don't think her behaviour was so unusual it wasn't polite or grateful but it was entirely normal for a teen.
They also start to get vocal about their opinions these days so can't you find a compromise,use with her? She won't holiday with you for all that much longer and it is a real opportunity to spend time with her dad - even if she seems to spend much of it on her screen it is time together which is priceless and not available for so many more years.
So, she doesn't get to dictate where and when but you don't choose something you know she'd hate because you're paying - it's al about compromise as they grow older

[Somerville]

You'd don't have to spend your money on taking your step children abroad, OP. And if you do, you should all talk in advance and compromise on locations and activities. And make it clear that rudeness will result in the wifi being turned off.

All children and teens are ungrateful sometimes. Or act in an entitled way. Or can be thoughtless. It's part of growing their own identity and coming to terms with the fact that life isn't always fair. Children who have step-parents in the mix have another layer of complication and potential rebellion. And yes, there should be consequences, including that if they refuse to engage in polite behaviour on a family holiday that they might not be taken abroad the next time. But aggressive name calling really isn't necessary. (I'm talking about some PP's here, not you OP.)

[FATEdestiny]

DH & I have four children (11, 10, 6, 2). We always holiday in a child-focused way.

Oh how I'd love to chose my choice of holidaying, focused only on what DH & I want.

Parenting isn't like that though. Is step parenting? I have zero experience of step parenting.

[navylily]

We have 6 teens between us and I can relate to all your describe!

We've generally found the best bet is to go for a reasonable resort, or hotel or villa in a town with things going on. That way you can give teens a bit of freedom and not have to spend all the time together. By next year she'll be 16 so definitely old enough that you can leave her in the hotel/villa and go out with your DP at times if there's things you enjoy doing that she doesn't.

It's your choice where to go, bit I think it's a big mistake with kids or teens to try and do whatever you'd do without them and expect to enjoy it just much with them - you won't. If you can afford it, do a holiday or just a long weekend without her sometime to, visiting one of the places she says she won't go to, so she can't complain.

[crusoe16]

OP I reckon you're completely within your rights to go away with just your DP for your 40th. I'm not even sure why that would need much explanation for any reasonably intelligent teenager. You're treating yourself for your 40th. End of.

We have 4 DC between us. We choose child-focussed holidays because generally happy kids = happy parents and vice versa. For my 40th I'll be leaving them all at home though. I'm a couple of years away and I've already given that plenty of thought

[AnnaMarlowe]

I was never given a choice of holiday as a teen.

I always enjoyed our family holidays but we were expected to enjoy ourselves and be grateful wherever we went. And we never went anywhere with TV let alone Internet.

Complaints/lack of participation would have been met with a very short conversation regarding attitude adjustment.

I would suggest if no one had that conversation with your DSD then it's a parenting (DH) problem.

We take our children in family holidays. That means there is something for the whole family to enjoy. Not just the children.

I would set extremely firm ground rules before paying for another holiday.

[donajimena]

If you do consider a compromise somewhere like Salou might work? Theme parks for the young ones and culture only a train ride away (Barcelona)

[NNChangeAgain]

If you book somewhere that your DSD decides she doesn't want to go, be prepared to be flamed on MN and in RL about how selfish you are not to include your DSD in your family holiday and how she is being treated like an afterthought.

It seems fairly standard for social expectation to be that when stepmum is paying for a holiday that she, her DC's and her DH are going on, the DH's DCs should be an integral part of the plans and it is absolutely unforgivable not to include them as they will feel completely rejected and left out.

Just one other way that a SM cannot win.

[Dollyparton3]

Thanks all, I'm not saying that I'm going to spend a week dragging DSD round museums but I really do need her to get a reality check before committing to anything.

I think the comments on attitude adjustment and lack of parenting are sadly true. Everyone panders to her high maintenance ways, 1 example, when we arrived at the hotel she threw a fit because her room was 1 door further away from ours than it should have been.

So off traipses Grannie to try and sort it out whilst DH and I try and reason with her to try and get her to understand that the hotel is fully booked and there's only about 25 feet in the distance between us and her. hysterics continue, tears, the mother of all tantrums, you get the deal.

3 days later the hotel staff and Grannie have moved heaven and high water to get her in the room she wanted, her response was "I'm not moving now, I've unpacked all my stuff"

I replied "ok, but can you show some appreciation for Grannie and the hotel staff for going to all the effort of sorting it out for you?"

Her reply : they shouldn't have cocked it up in the first place then should they?

At this point, Grannie and DH both stay silent. And I notch up strike 1 of the sense of entitlement scale!

I think I could take her to the Hilton in Miami and she'd still not appreciate it, maybe that's my issue, her not appreciating the effort and cost involved and taking pot shots at everyone. We could go to Bognor and have the same attitude it a couple of grand more in the bank.

[Dollyparton3]

NNchangeagain I agree!

[rollonthesummer]

What a shocking sense of entitlement!

[OSETmum]

I don't think a 15 year old should get to dictate where you go, whether step child or otherwise. You tell her where you're going, she can decide whether she wants to go or not. If her grandparents offer to take her back to the same resort, then great!
Mind you, there are a lot of 15 year olds just like her, so bear in mind that it's probably a phase.

[TheSilverChair]

I'd move heaven and earth not to take her.

[amidestinedtobechubbyforlife]

Parenting is one thing. Allowing a stroppy teenager to lay down the law whenever they like is another. And wouldn't fucking happen in my house

[ImperialBlether]

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her you're not taking her next time because of the way she behaved last time. It's time she was called out on it.

[FayaMAMA]

I was the stroppy teen to my DSM, and I can completely relate to this situation.

I went on a holiday to Cyprus with my SM, DF, younger siblings and DGP when I was about 14/15/16ish and was hellish. I struggle with the heat so wanted to be inside a lot during the day but spent a lot of time on the internet computers (feeling old) emailing my friends non-stop and drawing. I felt like everything was going fine until I heard DSM say that we (teens) were being "difficult and unappreciative" by staying inside all day... so my sister and I decided to be extra difficult, rude and obnoxious. SM ended up smashing a table in the hotel as she was so frustrated.... We thought it was a huge win at time (I've apologised profusely since!), but obviously it wasn't. Teenagers are horrible, especially if you're their step parent. My new DP has a 16 yo DS so I feel I may be about to get what has been coming to me!

Advice: there is no way on Earth you should be expected to pay for a holiday that DSD dictates! Choose the destination (try to be slightly considerate, make sure their is wifi and nothing too remote) and ask if she wants to come - if she says no, then TOUGH.

[FayaMAMA]

It's not mean for you to go away and not take the SDC! My DF and SM used to go away all the time without us and it was never problematic at all. Ski holidays, trips to Mexico, New York, New Zealand, Vegas, LA...ok I'm slightly resentful/jealous but I understand (and always did) that they would never have been able to afford to do those things with 4-7 kids in school holidays and they need to be able to live their lives too!

[DontMindMe1]

I just know that it appears incredibly mean if I don't offer to take them away somewhere

Don't fall into that trap of guilt/obligation. The sc have TWO parents who apparently'can't afford' to take them on holidays but yet have managed to bring up a child with such an awful entitled attitude, and she's soooo rude to boot!

don't be made to feel guilty or mean for choosing to use your hard earned money and free time in a way that makes you feel good.

Perhaps the disney dad should step up and take his responsibilities more seriously - you're not a cash cow to subsidise others demands and expectations.

and stop pussyfooting around her and enabling her or her disney dad. next time she's rude pull her up on it right away - and him for allowing it. in that hotel situation i'd have given her the ultimatum of sorting her attitude out or being put on the next plane home. there's no reason why you can't tell her she's acting like a spoilt brat.....or are you only a SM who has responsibilities when it comes to financing/enabling their dysfunctions?

[Canyouforgiveher]

teens can be awful (I have 3 of them) and holidays tend to make things more stressful but ...

tantrums/tears/hysterics are really not acceptable at this age. They may happen but that doesn't mean the parents should accept it as ok behaviour.

She shouldn't actually get a say in where you go on your holidays. She is only 15/16, she isn't contributing a cent, you tell her where you are going and that is that. Laugh if she sets standards like no self-catering or must be abroad. Or plan the holiday yourself and tell her where you are going.

But that said, you should choose a holiday that suits the whole group - not just you, so try to pick somewhere that a teen might enjoy too. Or maybe think of a holiday where she might be able to bring a friend.

Don't worry too much about the tied to social media thing or wanting to stay in her room. On hols this year, my own 15 year old at the last minute turned down a trip to a show that was her choice so she was the reason we had tickets. I was annoyed but we all went without her and enjoyed it. I think she needed the time alone. No way would I stay in a hotel room because a 15 year old didn't want to go out. Say, no problem, we'll be back at 5 and head out without her.

She sounds quite entitled/troubled and I think her parents need to step in here and realise that she might need them to pay more attention. Not the kind of attention that just gives into her demands but the kind of attention that requires more effort and energy - like figuring out what is going on with her or setting some boundaries and sticking with them for her own good.

[AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust]

Go without her! I went on holiday for my 40th without any children. Ahh, it was so peaceful and relaxing.

[Dollyparton3]

Thanks all, had a long chat with DP last night and said i was not entering into any debates with anyone over the holiday next year, my budget will stretch to the UK only and not in the league of center parcs in peak time. He was happy with that, i just need to broach it with madam now.

I remembered a conversation that took place on holiday that will amuse you all, or shock you to your very wotsits.

I've been paying my two stepkids an allowance for nearly a year now, younger DSS's allowance is a bit lower than DSD's due to his age, he will get an increase at 14 and then 15 to get him on the same amount as DSD who is on £50 a month.

they are expected to pay for all treats out of this, including mobile phone bills, and if they want a chinese or a McDonalds for example, they have the choice to pay for it themselves. DP and i came to the decision that this helped us budget after one summer when they used us as a cash machine and we want to get them into good money management as they grow older.

One evening on holiday, DSD announced that she's looking forward to me handing over £1260 when she turns 18 as "Backpayment" because DSS has been receiving his allowance longer than she has (i.e he's had it from a younger age)

When we explained that the allowance was there to give her freedom of choice over how to spend her money and that it was a privilege the reply was "yes but DSS has got more than me so you owe me".

I replied that she was lucky to receive anything and that in no way should I be held responsible for making backpayments on kids that aren't mine during the period when I wasn't in their life. That's like a taxation on kids you haven't met yet!

The nerve is quite funny when you think of it.