Holidays and stepkids

[Dollyparton3]

just come back from a two week holiday with the step kids that very nearly saw me losing my rag daily with. Teenage DSD was rude to her dad and me on a daily basis, obsessed about social media every 5 seconds when we were there, had a complete meltdown any time we suggested going anywhere out of WIFI range and so we essentially spent two weeks staring at the 4 walls we were staying in.

Luckily the grandparents paid for this holiday out of an inheritance they recieved (I paid for myself even though it really wasn't my cup of tea, I hate doing nothing and come out in a cold sweat at the thought of two weeks sat being bored)

Now the demands from Teenage DSD have started for next year, where, when, how long for. Aafter the way that she spoke to her father and me a few times on this holiday I really don't want to get involved in paying the sort of money she's expecting after the grandparents paid it out this year out if she's going to be a wotsit for the whole holiday.

If it were up to me, I'd want to go somewhere where we perhaps travel, like a driving holiday through france or Italy. She's flatly refused demanding two weeks in some spanish hellhole staring at her phone.

What do other steparents do in this scenario? OH did a bit of a disney dad routine as he was just chuffed to bits with the chance to spend 2 weeks with them, I'm going to be paying for the next holiday as the major breadwinner but at the moment I'd rather not go if it's going to be doing something that I don't want to do.

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I'm actually stunned at this and wondering why on earth it is you giving them an allowance?!

[Somerville]

Is she deeply unhappy about your relationship with her father, OP? This goes beyond teenage thoughtlessness - I think she's trying to drive you away.

BTW, don't you tell her about next year's holiday. Leave it for a bit - next summer feels like forever away to a teenager. And then let her dad tell her. The more you two present a united front, the better.

And frankly, her allowance should be set at a level her father can afford. I would never let my boyfriend pay an allowance to my children - I chose to have the children and they're my responsibility.

[rollonthesummer]

Why the hell are YOU paying your step kids an allowance? Are you a cash cow?

[Dollyparton3]

It's purely paid by me as a joint budgeting effort, we upped a few joint investments and moved money round for bills etc, so in theory the allowance helps us to manage our bills.

I do think there's a bit of jealousy here though on her part. It's been an issue for a while and I do try and stay out of it on the whole.

[juneau]

at the expectation of a bulk "back-payment" of £1260! Bloody hell! Yeah, she's on a mission to be a bitch to you and see how much you'll take. I'm stunned you pay your SDC anything in 'allowance' too - her parents lucked out when your DP hooked up with you!

[LineyReborn]

I give my DP's teenage DD 'pocket money' occasionally, so it's not that unusual. But she does help out with all sorts of things.

[MeridianB]

Just RTFT. Lost for words.

Dolly, you sound very sanguine about all this, which must be how to keep sane through it all.

Has anyone explained to her that many children - and parents - would love a holiday (any holiday) and just cannot afford one.

I know you are hoping she learns about money management via pocket money but the bigger picture she seems to have of life is a long way from reality. Does she say please and thank you? Is her mother giving her pocket money, too? Does she do any small jobs at either home?

In terms of next year, I would not want to be within 100 miles of a 15-year-old who tantrums, especially over something which is a treat. Were her gran and dad not embarrassed at the very least or is this just 'normal' to them?

There is no way I'd be going away with her again. Her attitude about 'no self catering' and 'must be abroad' sound like snobbery. Is she trying to keep up with welathier friends? Either way, I agree with PP that she should be pulled up on poor behaviour at the time it happens, tantrums ignored completely and pocket money suspended or docked for rudeness.

Hope her little brother is not learning from her!

[rollonthesummer]

Don't fall into that trap of guilt/obligation. The sc have TWO parents who apparently'can't afford' to take them on holidays but yet have managed to bring up a child with such an awful entitled attitude, and she's soooo rude to boot!

This X 100!

Why doesn't her dad pay for anything?

[ImperialBlether]

I'm just flabbergasted by all this. I would've bailed long ago.

[Dogolphin]

I think a caravan near the sea in Devon will be perfect from now on OP!

[Dollyparton3]

The sc have TWO parents who apparently'can't afford' to take them on holidays but yet have managed to bring up a child with such an awful entitled attitude, and she's soooo rude to boot! - I'm in total agreement with this. to be honest, her entitled attitude is out of character with the rest of the family, but she's spent the best part of a year refusing to see her dad every time he's disciplined her so now she holds most of the family to ransom.

DP is stung pretty badly each month for maintenance so can't afford an overseas holiday. Genuinely, i see his outgoings and there isn't a pot to p*ss in. He has no debts, no expensive hobbies etc, it is what it is.

[rollonthesummer]

I feel for you, OP-but think you need to help yourself. Don't give them an allowance, don't pander to holiday demands. Please let them know you aren't a pushover.


Does she know it's you personally paying her allowance and for the potential holiday or does she think it's her dad paying?

I wouldn't even be considering taking her away next year and i would explain why. Say in conversation now that you had a really miserable holiday this year and definitely won't be doing that again in a hurry. Say that IF there is a family holiday next year, it will be in England and will be ver different.

Then book a week away in term time for your 40th for just you and him. If anyone asks about it, say 'oh, I'm taking him away for my 40th-how exciting!'. She can't expect you to take HER away for your 40th!!

[MeridianB]

she holds most of the family to ransom.

What a sad way for the rest of the family to live, particularly those who have no choice in the matter. It's hard to see how she will grow into a well-rounded adult at this rate.

[Dollyparton3]

She definitely knows that it's me paying for both. Her dad reminds her regularly that I go above and beyond any responsibility that I should be offering, sadly the few times when we've taken her allowance from her for bad behaviour (and by mutual agreement with her Dad) it's made very little difference.

Unfortunately her mother refuses to co-parent with her dad on anything, so you can see how between the two parents she's been VERY used to getting her own way a lot and is a bit of a master manipulator. I can see how at times, she's really power played her dad, at one point we had no contact at all for 3 months because he told her to make her social media accounts more secure. Her mum refused to discuss it with him when he approached her with his concerns.

All that said, I'm still very happy with my DP every other weekend when she's not there, but it's not for lack of trying and certainly because I prefer her not being there, far from it.

[Auti]

Thanks for this thread I thought my 14 yo DSD was entitled but she really isn't in your DSD's league!

I was going to post a thread about how I'm dreading the next 2 weeks when DSD haunts the house glued to her phone and social media.

DSD also thinks the world owes her one after all she didn't ask to be born.

I really don't play ball though. She gets nothing from me unless she makes an effort. No lifts, no allowance, no nothing.

As far as I'm concerned she's flying rapidly towards adulthood, wants all the adult stuff but without the responsibility, which isn't going end well for her.

DH and I have told her numerous times her life is her responsibility.
She looks like she's listening and makes the right noises, then ignores and carries on doing the same.
She's also a bugger for playing the poor me's.

I only think a big dose of reality will snap her out it. Pandering and enabling will teach her nowt.

Sadly she has learnt this victim behaviour from her mother, so she always has a path of least resistance to follow. :(

[Dollyparton3]

Auti - that sounds familiar! I think we're suffering from the same. I sympathise with the poor me routine. (you, not her!)

DSD's mother is not the best role model, and won't face into anything that involves tough love so DSD has a bit of a bullying mentality. When she's at home, DSS tells us that if DSD shouts at her mum loudly enough, her mum shuts the door and cries.

I'm going to have a chat with DP about hardening up a bit, she didnt achieve anything last time she hardballed him and refused to see us, so maybe this time if he challenges her on a few key moans she might think twice about sitting at her mums staring at her phone for another few weeks again.

[rollonthesummer]

Would you still give her an allowance if she was staying at her mum's and refusing to see you?

[Dollyparton3]

No, because the allowance is for her to buy extras when she's with us. I.e basic food and necessities, utilities etc are covered by us. Treats should be managed by her out of her allowance, I.e make up, Spotify, pizza trips with friends, treats in the basket when we do the weekly shop etc. That also stretches to her saving for holiday spends, phone upgrades etc.

[QueenArseClangers]

Bloody hell, poor you!

We've just come back from a UK holiday with DC an DSS (16).
Self catering and no wifi (won't anyone think of the children!) and the teens were dragged around museums, castles, NT places. They rolled their eyes a bit but enjoyed themselves and did it with good grace. They helped with younger siblings, looked after toddler cousins and pitched in with chores.
There was, of course, a bit of bickering and winding up of siblings which although annoying was normal.
Because of DSS and his (step)brother's kind, mature attitude we treated them by letting them have an occasional beer/glass of wine in the evening which they appreciated. DSS thanked us for the holiday (even though loads of things went wrong!) and I promised him that we'll do something a bit more 'grown up' soon.
Can't believe how ungrateful your DSD is, hope your next holiday isn't marred this way.

[OutToGetYou]

I can sympathise - we have had a few (well, all of them!) dreadful holidays.

Not that I specifically pay for them though, I just wouldn't do that, I pay my share.

One year we went to Eurocamp and it was just awful. Dss refused to do pretty much anything. Would only go to the pool and only if his dad went in with him (I don't do water). The pools were ghastly crowded so I didn't want to be there.
I wanted to wander off into French villages and drive through vineyards, stopping to eat baguettes and runny cheese. Dss was 'bored' all the time but wouldn't come for a walk, wouldn't read, wouldn't bike ride.....etc.
He hates pretty much all food so we end up in horrible take away outlets with chicken nuggets and chips.
One day when we traveled to another site, he laid on the back seat of the car with blanket over his head the whole time refusing to even speak to us.

Last year we went to near where dp's family live - dss told me on the first day that the only reason he came was to buy some thing his mother had given him the money for so we had to drag around all the tourist shops trying to find it for the price of the money he had (less than half what it costs), he was a total brat, again refusing to eat normal food (we dd steak, salad and potatoes one night, he refused the salad and the potatoes and insisted dp cook him some bacon to have with his steak instead, dp of course did) - I left on the Wednesday and came home. Dp had made loads of arrangements with his family to do stuff that he hadn't asked me about nor even bothered to tell me we were doing.

The year before dp booked a holiday I didn't want to go on and still complains I didn't go on holiday with him, after I said not to book it because I didn't want to go. I didn't mind that they went, not at all, but I didn't want to go, so happy to leave them to it - I don't complain they went without me, they complain I didn't go.

Dss then declared he wanted to go to Japan this year - dp started looking into it and came up with a holiday costing c£7k (without any food) and with shared rooms and no en suite (I won't share with dss, he is 15, I don't think it's right) and when we showed dss the options and discussed the various trips we could do he said he wanted 'that one' - when asked why that one he said 'because it's the shortest'.
So, I vetoed that. I'm not spending my money on a trip he has asked for but then doesn't want to commit to.

So, this year we arranged to go away with a single mother we know and her two kids, aged 15 (boy) and 12 (girl) and to take another 15 yo boy who is friends with both boys. Dp arranged it for the Sat, the others couldn't come until the Sunday as they all had plans on the Sat (no, I don't know why he didn't just make it the Sunday either).
Sadly, the woman and her kids have pulled out and as they were bringing the other boy on the Sunday he now can't go either (unless we all miss a day and go Sunday too, but we have booked our crossing and the house is Sat-Sat so we'd lose a day).
Now it's just the three of us again and this time self catering in France.

I might kill myself.

But anyway - don't let a teenager dictate to you. It doesn't make them happy when they win anyway, they're going to be unhappy whatever you do so they may as well be unhappy and you still have money in the bank!

[LazySusan11]

Do you have to take them on holiday? Can you and your dp go somewhere for your 40th?

Dh and I go away for a week every couple of years and take dsd (also a surly teen, glued to social media) away for nice days out or a couple of nights somewhere she'd enjoy.

I don't think it's a step child thing I'm discovering that most teens go through a horrible stroppy stage.

It's my 40th next year and we are hoping to go away but we aren't taking dsd, I don't feel bad as we like very different holidays and she goes away with her mum and dp as they're a large family.

[Dollyparton3]

Outtogetyou - very sensible advice! They are going to be unhappy no matter what! I didn't think of it like that. Sorry for your rubbish holidays, I feel your pain! We had one night when we all went to a nice restaurant, DSS decided 20 seconds before we went there that he was having none of it and just wanted to go back on his phone. So it's not just confined to DSD's behaviour. He just sulks quietly which is easier to ignore!

Lazysusan, I'm booking the 40th in style and not taking them, that was already decided, but they're in that comparison stage where nothing is ever "fair". What would not be fair is for me to pay to take them along and have another fortnight of this sort of behaviour! A couple of days away somewhere suited to them sounds much easier to swallow.

[gettingtherequickly]

At what point did holidays start getting dictated by children?

The kids come with us, where we are planning to go, or they don't go at all.

This year we're in Norfolk, self catering, I'm planning lots of walks and bike rides. They will be planning on using the free wifi. That's fine, but there will be interaction, games played and meals eaten together. (14 & 17).

Plan the holiday you want, SS can come or stay with his mum.

[OutToGetYou]

The problem we have had fir the last few years is that the mother refused to have him at all over the summer holidays, saying he was too difficult, her bf didbt get on with him, she couldn't get time off work, she needed to have a holiday with bf....... Etc, so if we wanted a holiday we had to take him.

This year, she has a new bf who has teenage kids, so now she's suddenly playing mum of the fecking year and has had him for three weeks (though this week leaving him with the new bf as she is at work). He is now saying he doesn't want to come on holiday Saturday, he wants to go somewhere else (also abroad) and see some people he has met, and he expects his dad to pay for this (having already paid for the holiday). He texted me, yes me, at 12.40 am asking me to take him to Heathrow today. I told him to go to bed.

[thepurplehen]

Ah yes, the joy of holidaying with step kids!

I can honestly say I have had my worst holidays ever with my step kids.

Before I met DP I had been on some lovely, cheap, self catering holidays with another single Mum and her DD. My DS had a playmate, we did lots of inexpensive things and were busy all day. The kids were tired out in the evenings and my friend and I could enjoy a glass of wine while they went to bed early.

I stupidly believed going on holiday with my DP and his kids would be similar, but I was wrong - very wrong!

Firstly, his kids didn't sleep - well my DS and I managed to get about 4 hours a night through his kids waking us up. DP kids were all mostly tweens and youngest was 6 or 7, so not babies and should have been taught to respect others need for sleep.

With hindsight, DP was suffering with a lot of anxiety about his kids and we would rush out the door at 7:30am (having all been up for hours anyway) to go to the beach. Excellent I thought, they can run around on the beach all day, I can relax with a good book and some time with DP in between playing with the kids, we can get fish and chips and the kids will be tired out for the evening time. We arrived at the beach at 8am. Dp kids had announced they were "bored" by 9:30am, to which, to my amazement, DP ushered us all back in the car to sit in a caravan for the rest of the day watching TV. I was trying to cook dinner for 7 on a twin hob with cheap cookware every night and I was exhausted and miserable. My DS complained bitterly that he was bored and my DP got angrier and angrier with him and told me my son was ungrateful. His kids wouldn't even go to the park with him. Unless I said I was going to the park with my DS, and then they all wanted to come (in case they missed out on anything) and then would sit about refusing to join in and complaining they were bored. I had an entire week of this. When DP and I rowed, he tried to get his kids to do more - then one of them decided they had sprained their ankle and that put an end to all activities for the holiday. Of all the holidays since, at least one step child always manages to get "injured" mysteriously and we can't walk anywhere. They always make a quick recovered once we return home though. Strangely enough, no injury has ever stopped them from being glued to their phones though.

I have had better holidays since, but I have learnt to manage their behaviour. Rightly or wrongly I have chosen short breaks to suit them and us - anything where I can either leave them to it or we have enough money that I don't at least have to cater for them and we can eat out and escape the misery, I've brought playstations etc to keep them amused - if for no other reason than to stop my DS being bored. I refused to do a weeks holiday ever again in the UK or self catering anywhere and take short breaks with my son and days out to do things we enjoy without trying to get step kids involved. They aren't invited.

I can sum up my DP and his kids as "always in a rush to do nothing". Apparently holidays with Mum involve sitting in a caravan watching TV for a week and I have heard how Mum's holidays are so much better than ours for many years. We've taken them abroad on a planes (which they had never done) been to New York, nice hotels but nothing is as good as a tv watching fest with Mum in a caravan, apparently.

I have been with DP for 8 years now and I have seen a real change in him when we have short breaks just the two of us, he now enjoys staying out all day and walking and relaxing and can see just how difficult his kids were in those early days.