Step parenting

[Minnieears5]

Hi there.
I've never posted before but I really need some help.
I have been with my partner for 2 years and we are expecting a baby together.he has two daughters from previous relationships and I have a daughter from a past relationship.
When I met him I was really happy he had children. I thought it would be brilliant and I would really enjoy it and I did for a while.
Then I noticed just what a nightmare the youngest ones mum was.she would ring and text abuse every day if we didn't do what she wanted us to do regarding the daughter.she would bring me into it and say the most nasty things about my partner. This was literally most days at one point.i noticed that when I didn't see the girl the situation didn't seem as bad .so I backed off because I literally couldn't take anymore (this was over the course of a year and other problems we had to deal with,far too much to explain).
Now I'm happy to keep my distance and let my partner get on with it.he sees her whenever he likes but I just have nothing to do with it.i don't collect her from school or spend any time at all with her.for me it's a relief and feels like a weight has been lifted.i have a three year old and I'm pregnant so I just want to be happy but now my partner is saying he wants me there and to be in her life again (she always asks to see me and loves my daughter)but I'm terrified.i can't deal with grief at the moment and I thought taking a step back would help but it's making him miserable.now I'm so used to not seeing her that it's become a real issue because he is desperate for me to see her.would really appreciate some help.thank you.

I can understand how you feel and I can also understand why he would want you to be involved. The child you are carrying is going to be his other children's sibling so it's natural that he wants you all to spend time together but try sit down and explain that he must deal with any issues and back you up so that you are not dealing with it all. In fact make sure the mother doesn't have your number. So she can only contact your partner not yourself.

Why would you have a child together if this is the current situation? 2 years isn't really much time to be having a baby together when you both already have children, especially if you aren't involved in his youngest daughters life. I noticed you said past relationships has he got two daughters to two different woman? If so that would be a red flag for me which may possibly explain the youngest mothers behaviour towards women in her DD life.

I can see both your views. From yours, the tension has eased now that you've stepped away and it seems the right decision indeed.
From your OH, he probably thinks of the future, when you will have another child in the mist, and it would be a long term nightmare to have to continue to act as if you are two separate families.

I don't see why it would make him miserable now though, unless he is struggling to look after his daughter/enjoy spending time with her and misses you being there to take on his parenting role. That is definitely not a good reason to expect you to be more involved again.

she would ring and text abuse every day if we didn't do what she wanted us to do regarding the daughter
Really it comes down to that. What was it that she was expecting that was an issue because you were in the picture? How old is the child?

Thank you for all your replies.he has a 16 year old and a 11 year old by two women.he was young at the time and is a very good dad.he split from the mother when she was 3 so it's years before I met him.
The reason that my partner is upset by all this is because he doesn't understand why I let it get to me.and things have been a little quieter with the nother recently.i guess now I'm just stuck in a rut and finding it hard to get out of it.this is the only thing we argue about. Other than that things are great and we have been through an awful lot together.it makes me feel worse that he is fantastic with my daughter and treats her as his own.

Regardless if he was very young he was still irresponsible if he's with neither women who he fathered a child with Women seem to be harshly judged if they do have children to different partners although men it's ok because he was immature back then is no excuse. I get why the DM maybe concerned if your overly involved with her DD seems very rushed that your now pregnant so another half sibling for her DD. If I was her I would be concerned as he has a track record of having DC and relationships failing, maybe she doesn't want her to get too attached to that family unit for it to fall apart, remember it's confusing for her.

You're pregnant now so it's important all the siblings including your DP two DDs are included in you're family and you are going to have to make the effort to make it work. I would advise you block her number and no contact between you's take place when your DP gets his DD.

But what do you argue about if things are better as they are for you now? Or is he saying that you shouldn't stop having a relationship with his DD just because of what the mum says? What is she saying/doing exactly that got to you so badly?