Is anyone's DP NC with ex?

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 2016-08-03T11:51:02+00:00

How does it work on a practical level? We've had games and problems for years. Have asked ex not to contact us directly, but she still does. We've been through periods of no contact with the kids at her doing, but she's his best friend again this month and we're both fed up of the games. I've said it needs to stop, she's a game player and it causes arguments with us. DP hasn't helped as he's kept things from me like when she was coming into him at hand overs because he knew I'd be angry apparently. If you've managed it, how? And has it made things better?

Motherwithflaws · 03/08/2016 12:56

We've been NC for 4 years and it's bliss! Dsd was 15 at the time (she lives with us) and she arranged things with her mum herself via mobile.
It also helped that we moved house and I refused to give anyone the new landline number.

Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 13:22

That sounds wonderful!
DSC got mobile phones but they're never on. I think she does it on purpose so she has to talk to DP.
I think DP likes the attention because she left him and she would obviously have had him back if he hadn't moved on so it massages his ego! I'm not sure how it would work practically due to their ages, they couldn't come to ours on their own.

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Lunar1 · 03/08/2016 14:06

Does your dp want to go no contact with her?

Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 14:16

He said he would prefer to not deal with her, but doesn't think it's possible.
When I met him he didn't speak/see her at all and I encouraged contact. I really wish I hadn't bothered!

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Motherwithflaws · 03/08/2016 16:52

That's hard! How old are the dsc?

Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 21:43

7 and 8.

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KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 22:31

At 7 & 8 unless he is also going NC with his children, surely he needs to communicate with their mother.

I'm a "step" mum, DP is RP... this does baffle me somewhat.

KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 22:34

At that age unless you have very firm rigid contact in place, pick up after school on a Friday take to school on Monday morning your going to have, to have contact.

At 7 & 8 you can't be expected to organise your contact with your parents.

I'm assuming he is NRP, based on the comment regarding "no access for months"

Motherwithflaws · 03/08/2016 22:51

Oof, yeah I agree at those ages it would be best to have firm arrangements in place. And try to avoid any confrontations.

Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 22:58

He did manage it before and while I was first with him. Some school pick ups and drop offs at grandparents etc. MIL is still very much involved with DSC and DPs ex so this helped. I don't expect that the DSC could organise contact.
He works much more now he has 4 children to support so school pick ups are no longer possible.

I don't know if it is possible to go NC now, which is why I was asking for opinions and advice really on what other people have done, but it would be great if it was.
Yes he is NRP.

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Zampa · 03/08/2016 23:03

We have a very strict contact order in place (via courts) with pick up/drop off all done at school or a neutral place where that's not possible. Contact with ex is minimal but there is some via email (there has to be). NC would be virtually impossible I think.

KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 23:10

I think it is hard to advise without all the details surrounding how contact is arranged/agreed

It's becoming a little clearer

Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 23:11

Email is a good idea, then we won't be getting inappropriate phone calls which would be nice.

School would be ideal but it's not really possible now it's just wknd days we have them. I was thinking a neutral place, but I know what she's like, she couldn't just let the kids transfer cars.

We had filled in forms for contact orders but MIL begged not to put them in and arrange amicably, which works until the next time she decides she's not his best friend.

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KittensandKnitting · 03/08/2016 23:15

Is it not court ordered then?

I think it would make it easier on you and your DP if it was by the sounds of it

I'm sorry your having to deal with nasty phone calls (I'm guessing you were being diplomatic when saying inappropriate calls)

Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 23:29

Kittens - we've had everything from NC, other people facilitating contact, to excessive daily contact, flirting, constant phone calls etc. Which DP has gone along with because any slight upset has rocked the boat and stopped contact and he's been afraid it will happen again.

We have been asking her for years to start driving part way, especially now we have 2DC as we can't all fit in one car and we spend 3.5 hours, sometimes double or more in bad traffic dropping off and collecting DSC. It was obviously refused and laughed at. It's also not affordable. Contact has been more ad hoc for the last few months but has been relatively regular. DP understandably wants to reinstate the old arrangements, ideally with her helping even a little with transport, minimal fuss and minimal scope for future problems and arguments.

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Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 23:29

Kittens - we've had everything from NC, other people facilitating contact, to excessive daily contact, flirting, constant phone calls etc. Which DP has gone along with because any slight upset has rocked the boat and stopped contact and he's been afraid it will happen again.

We have been asking her for years to start driving part way, especially now we have 2DC as we can't all fit in one car and we spend 3.5 hours, sometimes double or more in bad traffic dropping off and collecting DSC. It was obviously refused and laughed at. It's also not affordable. Contact has been more ad hoc for the last few months but has been relatively regular. DP understandably wants to reinstate the old arrangements, ideally with her helping even a little with transport, minimal fuss and minimal scope for future problems and arguments.

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KittensandKnitting · 04/08/2016 00:02

OP will be writing a response soon

KittensandKnitting · 04/08/2016 00:03

Just have to deal with poorly child didn't want you to think I'm not responding been in similar shoes wanting advise

gettingtherequickly · 05/08/2016 06:41

I think you need to get court ordered contact in place, it takes away any power she has.

It's not easy, because she'll see it as an attack, and contact my be restricted whilst you go through the courts, but in the end (at their young age), it will be worth it.

It doesn't need to cost much money, you can represent yourself. You must try mediation first, it's frown on to go straight to court.

We have a pay as you go phone, she has the number for that, and only that. We can decide when to check it, it stops much of the intrusion into our lives.

lookluv · 05/08/2016 08:51

So much of this does not make sense.

His DCs are 7 and 8
Contact worked well with grandma when you first came on the scene and not it does not.
It now takes you 3.5 hrs on occasions to do drop off and pick up - so why ahs time gone up
You now have 2 kids together
He has less contact because he has two more kids - what the.......
I get he has to work to pay for all his kids but how would oyu feel if Daddy saw you less because he has 2 more kids.
Ex may be causing trouble - tell your DP to grow a pair and sort it out with her. Go abck to the old arrangement and you two need to realise having more children does not mean you dump the older two - which is exactly what you have done.

Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 05/08/2016 12:36

Contact worked the way it did because he had been struggling for local work and mainly picked them up from school. He can't do that working 250 miles away can he? It wasn't sustainable as he was sinking in debt as was paying his ex a huge amount of money while not really working. If it had continued, he wouldn't have been able to support his, or our DC which no doubt we would have been criticised for living on benefits and not adequately supporting his kids so don't really think you can win there.

Travel time has gone up because he now lives with me as we have children and his ex has also moved about 10 minutes further in opposite direction. Is that wrong? People move to different countries and hours drive away and contact reduces much more than his has. He can't live with his DC, he can live with ours.

It's a 50 minute drive away (no traffic) and the kids have to be picked up, driven back to ours and then dropped off and then there's a drive back home again. We've asked his ex to meet us part of the way, even 10 minutes from her house. The answer has always been no. Where they live can get very bad traffic and we have spent over 4 hours driving home on several occasions with a baby, but we've still always done it when access has been allowed.

He doesn't have less contact because of two more kids - our kids have barely seen their Dad and he didn't bond with our DC1 for well over a year because he rarely saw him. He saw his DC more than our DC when ex was allowing contact. He has less contact because she's stopped access over money, because he's pulled her for smoking with the kids in the car, expressing his concerns about the kids over her being beaten up by her partner (she lied to DP about it but she did leave him), her trashing his brothers friends rental house which they needed to move back into (dog sh*t in the house/doors broken/smoking in the house/general dump) and he's had to work away.
Do you think I wanted him to work away when I was heavily pregnant, struggling with SPD and then when we'd just had a baby? We struggled hugely as me and DC1 were extremely ill after birth and both nearly died. It's not been ideal for anyone, but we are hoping that we will get some sense of normality back soon.

You can carry on criticising if you like, but it's not really the point of the post. He has managed to find local work in the last few weeks and his ex is willing to sort regular contact after now admitting she shouldn't have stopped it and was being unreasonable. She has settled down with a new DP and we're hopeful that she seems to have calmed down and will be reasonable with regards to access.
We obviously want to sort contact with minimal scope for disruption in the future. This is why once arrangements are in place, we don't want contact with her unless completely necessary, so she can no longer give threats, ultimatums and play games and use the kids as pawns to make unreasonable demands.

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Original poster

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 05/08/2016 13:00

Oh I almost forgot to mention ex's DM who we sometimes picked DSC up from/dropped off. She once came out screaming because we had rung and ASKED whether we could keep the kids for another hour as they were having fun at a play centre and didn't want to leave.
She called my DP a rapist (laughable) my son a bastard, me an ugly slag and then after we'd had this unprovoked attack, rang us repeatedly (about 50 times) and threatened to kill us, move the kids to a different country, taking him to court (we don't know what for). So yes...contact facilitated by GP has become impossible, mainly because she's insane, but of course it's my fault for coming on the scene....

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lookluv · 05/08/2016 14:06

There is so much you are not telling - she may be as bad as you say, but if you are going to change your story remember what you have said.

He dropped contact during the week because he was working, now it is because he moved away to be with you.

Your DCs are suffering because he is working away but somehow it is the Exs fault because ......

Now the GPs are bad aswell, believe me if my Ex criticises me, her gets short shrift. I am not perfect but I do my best.

Go to court, get an order, pay her what she is due and you need to butt out, they had an arrangement, you came on the scene, it worked reasonably and now it does not. You resent your DSCs, they are taking time away from your DCs and woe is you.......

newname99 · 05/08/2016 17:50

I answered your other post but hadn't seen this.In the most kindest way I think you might need to stand back as you are a too close to the situation.

Your sdc have had enormous change in a few short years.They are only young (I know it won't feel like it as yours are smaller) and really need to be priortised. I get that your dp needs to work away but with 4 children he has contributed significantly to this complex situation.

He does need to sort out defined contact and honestly doesn't need to be expensive via mediation or court.He might need to acknowledge that he is causing upset by the changes he makes, to you and his other children.Children need routine and regular contact and whilst I appreciate its not just down to your partner he should step up in the things he can do.

Also some caution for you.Be very wary thinking his ex and ex mil are crazy, sure they may express themselves loudly or violently but don't assume everything they say is incorrect.Listen hard to what they are saying, not how.This is for your sake.Please see perhaps what others outside might see.

I feel for you, you have got involved with a difficult situation and as a mum to 2 you are naturally protective of your children but so will the ex.Your dp however has helped create this.

I'm cautious of the blame being all on the ex as it doesn't reduce conflict if you feel nothing is your 'fault' and therefore you can fix it.

You can take steps to reduce conflict which is so important for all the children.