DP spending money we don't have on dsc

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I didn't know where to post this but thought I can't be the only step parent who has this issue.

Dsc aged 17 and 13 are here for the holidays, DP and i also have a 15 month old son together and I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

We both work but money is tight, we get by and all the kids get whatever they need, bills are paid and we pay our rent but there's not much money for expensive treats, we have the occasional takeaway, can afford the odd trip to the cinema/swimming etc so in my opinion life isn't that bad but everytime dsc are here DP seems to forget that there's no such thing as a money tree and spends a fortune on anything the dsc want.

To make things worse he is currently in the process of changing careers and going self employed so money is tighter than usual but so far in the last week he has taken them to the cinema, taken them out for lunch 3 times, given them £20 each to spend at the arcades and promised them a takeaway on Friday.

He has taken all 3 kids out as I'm not feeling great and just phoned to ask if I wanted lunch bought back as they are having subway. In the grand scheme of things a subway is not going to break the bank but it has tipped me over the edge and I'm now in tears worrying about how we are going to pay the bills since he has spent the money meant for the gas/electric and water. We have plenty of food in the house so there was no need to eat out. He was supposed to be back at 12 for 15 month old to have a nap (he's routine is all over the place because of dsc being here and it's affecting his nighttime sleep which is why I feel ill) so it's not like he's keeping them out to give me a break, I could hear tired toddler crying in the background.

I don't know what I want people to say I just needed to rant because nothing I say to him seems to get through

It simply doesn't matter how the money was spent, it's the fact that it was money allocated to household bills that he was spending....basically money he did not have!
I know exactly what it's like when your DH wants to spoil his DC if he doesn't see them often, but it doesn't have to be with money? Why not pack a really lovely picnic, loads of cheap sweets as well as healthy Subway type home made sandwiches and fruit, and go for a walk ending up in a local beauty spot....or is this not sophisticated enough for kids these days?

I agree with wdigin - the things your DH is spending on are one of the easiest to reduce cost wise, if you think a little ahead. Cinema is really expensive, but certain days are cheaper. Food made before hand. He could make a good curry instead of a take away.

It's probably the responsibility that is vexing OP, it seems that only she is keeping track of the spending. Maybe you do need to separate out the money more clearly. Keep household bills in an account that is different. Have two smaller accounts, one for him and his kids, and one for you and yours.

Bananas that's basically the financial situation we are in now, completely separate.

I think this is the wake up call he needed to be honest and I'm hoping seeing the mess he got us in has shocked him into being more careful

Hopefully it has Smiling but I'd keep the separate accounts going, making sure that household bills accounts has to have both your signatures for withdrawals....and no debit cards on it!

I'd listen to wdigin - she knows! Good luck OP

The bill account is in my name only and he no longer has access apart from putting money in

Your OH is having too many children.
If he can't afford the ones he has why is he bringing a 4th child into the mix?
Four kids on a limited budget is nuts.

pearlylum have you actually read the thread? We can afford all the children, we can afford to feed, clothe and house them and we can afford to do nice things and have treats what we can't afford is to blow a stupid amount of money in 1 week then decide it wasn't enough to spend the budgeted fun money and take money that was allocated elsewhere. I like most people do not have an unlimited budget that doesn't mean we can't afford our children

It doesn't sound like he can afford them if a subway lunch is pushing your family expenses over the edge. Presumably he isn't taking his older children oh holiday- it's not unreasonable to have a week of treating them.
Four kids sounds too many for a man who can't afford them.

We took all the children on holiday earlier in the year and he took dsd to comic con and dss to a concert last month, they get plenty of treats but they are budgeted for, as my first post said a subway was not going to break the bank it was just the breaking point for me, it is his inability to see that spending £350 in a week is not in our budget as I'm sure it's not for many families.

Pearlymum......are you high enough up there on your pedestal?

Instead of giving him all the money at the start would it work giving him £10 per day and referring him to various money saving websites. Or asking him to actually make a plan where he was taking dsc each day.

With his lack of foresight all he has achieved is throwing all the money away in the first week and ultimately sending his children back home thinking about the 3/4 weeks when they had nothing to do.

Just to add we have 2 cinemas near us. One a big chain one which if the myself, dd 16 and ds 14 go is over £30 for the tickets alone. The other is a tiny chain, think they have 20-30 throughout the country. The cost there is under £15. Even shopping around for cinemas saves money. Even with 2 4 1 it is still cheaper to go to the small chain and pay full price.

We don't have joint dc, only dss - but the way we work it is that all shared expenses come from the joint account into which we both pay an amount which is something like half of the cost of our day to day lives. Dp pays a bit more due to dss food/extra holiday/going out costs.*

Dp and I then keep all the rest of our own money and if dp does something with dss he pays from his own account. He buys dss clothes from his own account for example. And his pocket money (£25pm), phone top ups (whatever he asks for whenever he asks), and currently £7 a day so he can buy MacD's for lunch on his summer scheme (yep, £7 a DAY, I wouldn't be spending that much myself and there is no reason he can't take a packed lunch).

• the 'extra' isn't enough any more as dss lives with us more or less full time now, dp still pays £500pm maintenance but the extra £100 a month into the joint account doesn't cover the extra food etc a 6'4" 15 year old eats. Though to be fair we do less with him as a family now as at 15 he's just not interested in doing things and his eating is so fussy I've stopped bothering to suggest going out to eat, he literally refuses to eat anything and is such poor company these days it's not worth it.

pearlylum - the Subway didn't push the budget over the edge (it was the £350 that did that), it pushed the OP over the edge. Quite understandably.

Thank you outtoget I wondered if I hadn't been clear about, I've tried to give as much detail as I could