DP spending money we don't have on dsc

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I didn't know where to post this but thought I can't be the only step parent who has this issue.

Dsc aged 17 and 13 are here for the holidays, DP and i also have a 15 month old son together and I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

We both work but money is tight, we get by and all the kids get whatever they need, bills are paid and we pay our rent but there's not much money for expensive treats, we have the occasional takeaway, can afford the odd trip to the cinema/swimming etc so in my opinion life isn't that bad but everytime dsc are here DP seems to forget that there's no such thing as a money tree and spends a fortune on anything the dsc want.

To make things worse he is currently in the process of changing careers and going self employed so money is tighter than usual but so far in the last week he has taken them to the cinema, taken them out for lunch 3 times, given them £20 each to spend at the arcades and promised them a takeaway on Friday.

He has taken all 3 kids out as I'm not feeling great and just phoned to ask if I wanted lunch bought back as they are having subway. In the grand scheme of things a subway is not going to break the bank but it has tipped me over the edge and I'm now in tears worrying about how we are going to pay the bills since he has spent the money meant for the gas/electric and water. We have plenty of food in the house so there was no need to eat out. He was supposed to be back at 12 for 15 month old to have a nap (he's routine is all over the place because of dsc being here and it's affecting his nighttime sleep which is why I feel ill) so it's not like he's keeping them out to give me a break, I could hear tired toddler crying in the background.

I don't know what I want people to say I just needed to rant because nothing I say to him seems to get through

Imo us woman have the job of making the pennies go as far as possible. I use deals , vouchers . Money off , groupon etc . Why do the men go and sabotage our hard work ??

I'm shopping in wilko and Lidl to make the money stretch and then he goes and buys £100 WWE toys he wants to look at!!
He only has 1 account and no credit card!!
Can't be trusted!!!

We've been together 8 years and it's never been this bad, I don't know if it's guilt over us having our own children which are here all the time or because dsd is about to turn 18 or what but I do know it needs to stop now.

He's always been a Disney dad and he is crap at budgeting but he is usually able to sort of self limit himself with a bit of nagging from me but it's out of control this visit.

Dsc live at the other end of the country so we only see them during school holidays (every holiday apart from christmas which is shared) and DP goes for the weekend occasionally and stays in a b&b

Yes it's massively frustrating and also agree that it's like all sense leaves them when they pick DSC up. The worst of it is, that they get very generous Xmas/birthday presents from us and my family and we now know they are sold by their mum. I know it's not their fault, but I have cut back what I spend massively, one because I now have two kids of my own and don't have as much to spend, but also because I'd be further funding her drink/smoking and god knows what other habits and they don't get to keep it anyway. The first couple of Christmases with us were obscene and something I can't and won't replicate for my own DC so it's not like I don't want to treat them, because I have spent a lot of my own money buying clothes and presents etc. My priority is getting bills paid and having an emergency fund, especially since OH is self-employed and still has to pay maintenance whether he's working or not and obviously we have to cover our other outgoings.
His Ex also sorted money and they had bailiffs round all the time etc and thinks it's a normal way to live and you just don't answer your door. It's like we're from different planets sometimes

What you described in your first OP doesn't amount to £350, so how has that money been spent?

I'm sorry your going through it too but it makes me feel a tiny bit better that it's not just me that has a twatty partner!

In most ways he is an amazing dad and partner, he works hard, he's hands on with ds, he cooks, cleans and is kind BUT the inability to manage money is really starting to wind me up

swingofthings there were 3 lunches out each costing about £50 each, cinema trip cost £70 including drinks and snacks, trip to beach was £40 for arcades plus £20 on lunch, there have been a couple of trips into town where they have returned with new shoes, toys, phone cases and a lego set. It's just all added up

It easily adds up. DP has spent over £250 in a day, it nearly kills me! But yet we can't afford a night away together before we had a baby. They're not even grateful for anything as they've come to expect it from him. I got a full on screaming fit, calling me all sorts because I refused to buy an iPad in tesco when I'd nipped in for tea!!!
It's hard to handle because I'm not allowed to discipline them and I don't want to either after previous experiences.
Makes me want to disengage from it because I just can't cope with it without getting upset.
It's the same as you OP, he works hard and helps with our DC but so do I and he thinks he should be able to spend what he wants on (2 of) his kids even though I can't on myself or our children.

Smiling I think a lot of it is guilt. When I've discussed it with DP, he says our children get him as a full time Dad (he's worked away most of their lives so it's crap).

£70 for the cinema is outrageous! He needs to learn to say NO.

U could a make them a picnic for the days out?! And look for voucher codes etc online.

I'm glad you think so....so do I but that's what it costs. In our case, the first time we went, they didn't even watch the film and ran around the cinema annoying everyone else, chucking popcorn. I didn't go again.. far too too embarrassed and I know for a fact that DP won't let our kids behave like that because when we've taken DC1 to the cinema, he's got disciplined for getting off his seat at 2
To be fair on the kids, it's usually him suggesting things which they say yes to, but he NEVER suggests doing activities with our DC. It's purely to make up for the guilt of not living there, which wasn't his choice anyway.

I realise this is an aside, but I wouldn't use a personal account (if you are) for business expenses, info here.

I find it bizarre that he's splurged so relentlessly in week 1 when he has to keep them entertained for the entire holidays. Is he not able to anticipate more than a few days ahead?

I'm not sure it's right that you have a separate "treats" budget for DS and DSCs. Surely there should just be a holiday treats budget shared across all children.

There was Queen he spent it. The separate budget us for ds's activities that he does all through the year

We have dsc each weekend. My oh goes mad when they are here on 'daddy day'. Treating them to breakfast, lunch and snacks out, a toy etc. He also goes to paid attractions like the zoo, adventure golf etc. It really does add up.

I am not as frivolous with my dd. I take a picnic when we do things and I try free activities where possible. We have discussed that children don't need loads of money spent to have a good time and he's been really good and started to watch his pennies. I think that I found it hard that I was watching my money for US and yet he was very centred on spending HIS Money how he desired.

I think as kids get older their financial demands and activities do get expensive, but I don't think they should be handed it on a plate as they will never earn the value of money.

OP, if you have separate finances then all you need to do to avoid future arguments / stresses, is to remove his access to the account where the bills money goes in to.

Get him to pay you what you need for bills / food / child related costs each week / month, then whatever he has left, is his, to spend as he sees fit.

My DH and I have very different attitudes to money, and we have adopted the above approach.

It really grates on me when people say "oh but you're married now, you should have totally joint finances"..... No. No we shouldn't. I love him very much, but joint finances would lead to much stress and many arguments, so it's easier all round this way.

19lottie that is exactly what I've done today, I've taken his card off of him and removed him as a named person so he know has no access.

He has apologised and I've told him the bills are his problem to sort out because I'm not cleaning up the mess he has made

I have also had this problem, money is not tight we have spare for luxuries but with Dh teens DSD 18, DSS 16 and my two DD 13 Ds 16 as well as the little one 18mo it becomes expensive. Dh likes to take his kids out and I get this but for example they go to the cinema, it ends up becoming expensive as they will go paintballing which is £40-£60 go to Costa or Starbucks £15 and finish going to ZiZi's or Pizza express and it ends up costing about £200 pounds for the day, I don't mind as we have the money but Dh doesn't treat my kids to the same sort of way. My son who is of the same age wanted to go paintballing but dh said no because it was their thing, yet when I took my kids to Brighton for the day out he complained I spent to much. It just annoys me the Disney Dad shit and it is guilt 100% it is.

Sorry i've taken over your thread with my problems.

Health
And everyone else

Smiling you sound like me. I wish I could leave him to sort things out but I can't because it just doesn't get done. I dread to think what would happen if I left him in charge of our bills. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

Start giving him cash and make sure he has no access to the bills account (via his card or yours).

They could have had a really good few weeks on £350, with some planning.

health don't worry about taking over its a frustrating experience for us all.

MumOfTwo he will sort it, he knows he's messed up, he will now have to work this weekend when he had planned to have the whole 2 weeks off with them to earn the missing money.

Morning OP, Chris what a horrible situation you're in.

I agree with removing his access.

My dss lives with us 100% full time and is essentially our son (long story) but the point is that dh and I discuss activities for dss beforehand, including where the money's going to come from. As I write I'm on a slightly extravagant holiday just with dss but I knew I could pay for at least 60-70% of it myself and dh helped with the rest. And before anyone says he's not 'helping', that's his son, what I mean is that I was the one who wanted to spoil dss (and myself lol) but would never have used bills money to book it.

Admittedly even though I'm definitely better than dh, neither of us are fantastic with money but we never leave ourselves up shit creek either.

Good luck OP, hopefully the weekend work will fix things.