DCs activities at the weekends

[nothingtoaddhere]

Just wanted a general consensus as to how to move forward. Not going to try and do a reverse or anything clever.

If you're a nrp/step parent, how do you feel if one of the children has a regular activity during your time? If you've had trouble resolving it what was the compromise?

I can't see what's fair anymore.

Thankyou.

Yy to being ditched at the weekends for friends instead.

As a teenager I was into a certain hobby and I honestly think it kept me on the straight and narrow mostly

My parents were really supportive (still together) and I think I really want my dd to have that opportunity too (different sport btw).

Unfortunately you can't force the dad to take her to the activity in his contact time. Hopefully he will realise that saying no will impact on his relationship with his daughter.

Was just thinking of now dsd is 15 doesn't want to go to any clubs just want be with her friends, how quick it's gone my Dh said he misses taking her to dance and swimming like some one said it can be bonding time even if Dh did have to chat with dance mums !!

Another mum, not a step mum here. I agree that the dad would ideally want to take his daughter to her hobby at the weekend - and be proud to be taking her too.

However, looking at it from his perspective (and I'd also imagine from the step mum perspective), I can imagine it could be difficult to be told by your ex what to do with your kids when they are with you. Is there any way he could be involved in the decision regarding which club to attend and to feel some control over when and how she does her hobby?

Just a bit of light heartedness but my best friend takes her 2 Dds dancing 6 times a week inc weekends and if she ever split from her hubby and he didn't ad hear to those lessons I could see her doing serious jail time !! It really is their lives x

Sorry when meant their lives meant as they live and breathe dancing X

Is there any way he could be involved in the decision regarding which club to attend and to feel some control over when and how she does her hobby?

Well he did suggest a lower lever club in his town but that would mean me traipsing a further distance 3 out of 4 times a fortnight. It's like trying to get her into rugby league when she does Union. Not helpful at all. No benefit to her.

Your poor DD. He should be proud of her and wanting to support and nurture her talents.

Any decent father would want to take her to [hockey], maybe watch her and then take her home afterwards with her talking about something she loves all the way home.

I bet it's that he just can't be arsed, not that he wants to spend quality time with her doing something else.

It sounds like he is not going to be reasonable which is a shame. I wouldn't want to send my child to a less good club just because it was nearer him (and further from me) either.

Unfortunately, although I think you are probably 'right' - if you were to spell it to him in those terms it might not help! I think it might be more useful to think about the best way to deal with him.. and you will have more information on this than us. If you can't get through to him then is training during the week an option?

The impact of the "step up" in activity on each family has to be weighed against the benefits to the one DC , doesn't it?

For you OP, the impact and potential sacrifices you will make as a family are clearly worth it. But, for your DDs other family, they have a whole other set of priorities and needs that you know nothing about. Your Ex has decided that it is a sacrifice that they are unable to make as a family right now. He may have differing priorities to you, or it may be that if you had the same set of family circumstances yourself, you'd make the same decision. You just don't know.

Those calling him as unreasonable, selfish and uncaring are being unfair, because you may well make the same decision if you were where he is. You don't know all the facts or the dynamics of their family.

Part of coparenting is trusting your DCs other parent when they make decisions, even if you don't understand or you disagree.

If you can't get through to him then is training during the week an option?

She already does. That's covered. We do that, and will continue to do.

As for the circumstances I don't know - well I'd love to understand, but he won't tell me anything tangible. He's just said it's not fair on the other girls and that it impacts on 'their' time.

There's nothing more I can do really. Thanks for all replies.

This is just from my point of view being a step parent an mum, how would my step daughter and her mum feel if we had not supported theses activities and I'm now in the position with my daughter where we take her to clubs ect ... It would have looked that we favoured my dd. Part of being I step parent is making sure they are treated the same. My dsd says remember when I used to go dance ect like our dd I'm 99 % that if we would have said no it would have looked like we're favouring our dd. So they both have done clubs on Friday pm and Saturday but for both said family day Sunday. I'm just trying look at it from both sides.

As for the circumstances I don't know - well I'd love to understand, but he won't tell me anything tangible

He doesn't have to. You lost any right you had to that when you split.

You have to trust him. He's your DDs father - and has an equal responsibility for her welfare. That includes maintaining a secure and stable home for her. He thinks it's best that she doesn't spend that much time away from the family.

Interested how others make this work when parents live too far a geographical distance apart. How could DP honour a regular weekend commitment in his ex's town when the kids are staying with us so far away but agree don't want child to miss out...

Can you offer to pick her up and take her on his weekends too? And if necessary offer more time on top?

Lala I guess the child would have to miss out.

I agree Time when there are other children and other families involved, it unfortunately just isn't as simple as "is it in the best interests of the DC in question".

What if him committing to this activity with your DD means his DSD has to forego spending time with her stepsister or doing an activity that she is already committed to? I think Time is right that you have to trust him when he says this isn't something that his current family dynamic can support.

For you OP, the impact and potential sacrifices you will make as a family are clearly worth it. But, for your DDs other family, they have a whole other set of priorities and needs that you know nothing about.Your Ex has decided that it is a sacrifice that they are unable to make as a family right now. He may have differing priorities to you, or it may be that if you had the same set of family circumstances yourself, you'd make the same decision. You just don't know.*

This ^^ Especially the bit in bold.
You can't always expect your child's other household to plan and adapt around activities that work well for you in your household.

It's not about a household, is it? It is about a child doing something they love to the best of their abilities and building their life, interests, friendships, camaraderie.

How many stepchildren miss out on activities the weekend their step sibling comes to stay?

It is about the household. Why should one household go along with activities if it doesn't work for them the same way it works for the other household? What if the NR parent works every Saturday for example?

It's about the household but the adults in that household should want to do all they can to ensure all the various needs in their family are met, with the children's needs taking priority. Some imagination may be needed to do this, eg looking for lift shares, looking for fun stuff near the venue where other kids might like to go, paying, with help or reciprocation, for childcare... And flexibility on what 'family time' looks like: it can look like dropping Alice at training and then walking the dog with Bob and Cara, picking Alice up and all playing silly games on the way home; it doesn't have to involve forcing an unwilling Alice to be there every minute, unhappy in the knowledge that her parent and stepparent don't care enough about what's important to her.

I can see both sides of this.

In the circumstances the OP describes (i.e. only half an hour drive for the dad to get the activity), in a situation like mine where there are no other DCs needs to consider, and OH doesn't work weekends, he would definitely do what was needed for the DD to participate in her sport, and I would actively encourage him to do so.

However, I can easily see a situation where I might have other children who also want to do activities, perhaps we only have one car which is needed for another reason at that particular time, perhaps my OH works sometimes on a Saturday which means it would fall to me to take your DD to the activity. If you have two DDs (have I got that right?) then perhaps he needs his wife's buy in to looking after your other DD if she doesn't want to go along to her sister's activity every time, and perhaps his wife doesn't want to do that.

Without knowing exactly what goes on in their household, which tbh you never will, I think it is really difficult to judge whether he is being deliberately difficult, or whether he genuinely can't make it work in his circumstances.

My kids' dad lives a good two hour drive from us so it's not possible for him to take them to any weekend activity I book.

I have found that I can cover most things during the week - few clubs run only at the weekends. If there were to be a special event or competition on 'his' weekend then I would normally swap with him to accommodate it.

A couple of times I have booked activities on the weekend and have explained the situation to the organiser. I have only found people organising clubs to be understanding and accommodating which was great, allowing us to attend when we can. If your daughter trains during the week and every other weekend that might not impact her as much as you think.

If the club is on a Saturday morning could you keep DD at yours then take her straight to dad's after?
You could just do it every other time her dad has her so she would do 3/4 of the training? Could you then offer him an extra weeknight a month to make up for it?

One parent just cannot make assumptions about the circumstances in the other.

My ex tried to pursuade me to support my DD doing a weekend/holiday activity she wanted to do. He gave me all sorts of grief when I disagreed.
What he didn't know, and I wasn't prepared to share with him, was that I was threatened with redundancy at the time and applying for other jobs that would have meant I wouldn't have been able to get DD there and back.

There are many reasons one family may be unwilling to commit to additional activities when suggested by the other parent - illness, pregnancy, job security etc. It's none of the other parents business what they may be.