DCs activities at the weekends

[nothingtoaddhere]

Just wanted a general consensus as to how to move forward. Not going to try and do a reverse or anything clever.

If you're a nrp/step parent, how do you feel if one of the children has a regular activity during your time? If you've had trouble resolving it what was the compromise?

I can't see what's fair anymore.

[Lunar1]

Because sadly lookluv way to often the child comes third between two separated parents who are far too busy trying to get what they think is fair. Nobody wins when it's like this. And yes I'm completely projecting!

[lookluv]

Why should he get the time back at another time because his child is doing an activity she enjoys.

When the child is doing it on the mothers time, should hse ask for time back from the father.

What a completely ridiculous comment

[reallyanotherone]

We have it the other way round.

Sdc over the years has been deperate to do various sports. We pay, organise, sdc happy. Ex agrees, then cba to take them. Going eow sdc can't keep up, doesn't make friends, orgainsers aren't happy, and it peters out.

Some parents just aren't bothered about extra curriculars.

[Missgraeme]

Dad should be proud and supportive. What a dick.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

To be fair - riding lessons are a bit different to a child who is moving up the ranks of a sport.

And if you are meant to trust your co-parent then I would have thought there should be some very open conversations.

[TimeforaNNChange]

And really - every single Saturday they're spending having magical family moments? I very much doubt it.

Probably not. The reason given by the ex sounds remarkably like the excuses MNers give every day when they don't want to share real reasons - those people who find "no is a complete sentence" hard in practice.

I didn't tell my ex that the reason I wasn't prepared to commit to weekly riding lessons that he wanted to pay for for DD was because I was expecting to working weekends within a few months which meant I wouldn't be able to take her. It was none of his business.

The OP has no idea what the family circumstances are; illness, caring responsibilities, legal problems, financial challenges - all of these may impact on a families ability to commit to taking a DC to an activity on a regular basis.
Once you separate from your DCs other parent, you have to trust them. Not make assumptions and project your own circumstances onto them.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

I don't doubt that you bond with your children when taking them to their activities. But most "together" families book activities that fit in with their routines/schedules so that the activities do not create a problem. I wouldn't book an activity for my child when there is nobody to have my other children for example. But yet when I was with my ex I had to take exdsd to her dance class with my little children up some very steep steps and on a horrible bus journey. I put my foot down after one lesson. If that was my own child I would not have planned to make life so difficult like that.
Even a household that has resident and non resident children or "blended family", they are able to plan around the resident children's activities but not the non resident children's- and so the NR children's activity schedule then becomes a problem for the rest of the household as their dynamics are not taken in to consideration like the children's resident parent has done for herself and her family. Selfish.

[EvangelineP]

We had this issue. My DSS plays a sport that as he got older requires more and more weekend matches/training. We tried in the beginning to facilitate his interest but in the end it was too much of a sacrifice for the family as a whole. It meant losing one whole day to something that only 1/3 children was participating in. It meant I had to be childcare for his other child so he could stand in a freezing field for hours or it meant making all of us stand in a field while I desperately tried to entertain the younger ones. We missed out on being a family together and it wasn't fair on anyone really to commit to that much time for just one person. We missed out on doing things as a family that everyone wanted to do. So in the end we said we just couldn't do it.

I do think the whole family unit has to be considered. It's not so easy to facilitate when you have limited contact with a child and other children to think of.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I don't know but seriously I have 3 children and spend most of my weekends ferrying them round to activities/parties etc - as do pretty much every other parent I know regardless of whether they're married or divorced.

At our school there is an expectation of Saturday matches for example and you just can't simply decide not to do them.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I think your ex is being totally unreasonable and he is at real risk of destroying his relationship with his daughter over this.

And really - every single Saturday they're spending having magical family moments? I very much doubt it.

I just can't imagine having a child who had a real aptitude/skill/talent and not doing everything to facilitate it.

It sounds to me as though he is just making excuses really and doesn't want to 'be told' what to do. Which is fine apart from the fact his daughter really wants to do it.

What will happen I wonder if she then can't join that club and has to spend the weekends with her father. Wonder how long it will take for that resentment to fade.

[TimeforaNNChange]

There are few parents who wouldn't move heaven and earth for their children to be able to do an activity they love but somehow it seems to become an issue when parents are separated.

Or perhaps, when parents separate, there are more significant considerations and moving heaven and earth becomes that much harder?

I can't give my DD what she had when my ex and I were together. I was made redundant 6 months after we split. And her Dad took a pay cut in order to remain living nearby. And he remarried - some of his income pays for his DW medical treatment (he overshares).
My DD has undoubtedly "missed out" as you so judgementally call it - however, she has had experiences and time with her parents that she would not otherwise have had. Moving heaven and earth for one at the expense of other family members is selfish and favouritism.

[nothingtoaddhere]

He has no available time to 'make-up' during the week. He works late shifts.

Offered him additional weekend contact too - and no, he doesn't want that either.

[wheresthel1ght]

I guess it all depends on whether you can present a case for him to regain that time with her else where in the week. Dp has no issue with activities on the kids days/nights here in fact he actively encourages them it is their DM that refuses but that's a whole other thread.

If you were to offer for him to "make up" the lost time say on a Monday would that make him more likely to agree to the weekend?

I think it is important that the kids lives stay as normal as possible and that their routine remains standard whichever home they are at.

[nothingtoaddhere]

Thanks for all comments. I'm still reading.

To answer some more questions - yes I offered to do some of the leg work of lifts.

No - the club won't allow weekday stuff and eow engagement at the weekend. It's all or nothing.

It's just the way it is. We just have to make the best of the situation

[cannotlogin]

No, it's not 'narrow minded'. It is taking an 'all things being equal' approach. There are few parents who wouldn't move heaven and earth for their children to be able to do an activity they love but somehow it seems to become an issue when parents are separated. I don't have any answers - it is clear it depends on many potential issues (many of which maybe silent) but whichever way you look at it, children are quite clearly missing out on activities.

[TimeforaNNChange]

If you were still together then your DD would be attending the activity every week so why is it different because you have split up?

That's a ridiculous thing to say !

Who are these mythical parents who split up but whose lives continue on exactly the same path (often with subsequent partners) as they would have had together?

And anyway, who knows what would have happened if the DCs parents had stayed together? Assuming that their lives would be 'the same' as they were when they split is very narrow minded.

[1ofthosedays]

I think parents can often underestimate how much bonding takes place when you get involved in your children's activities.
One of my biggest hates are disney dads who see their children EOW. Its not necessary. I had to do a lot of persuading to convince my DP that his DD would prefer it if she just had a 'normal' life when she was with us. So she came with us to both of our own sporting commitments and we started taking her to her own sports club sessions. When asked about her weekend she would often say that those were her favourite parts of the weekend, even when we had done 'treat' things! It definitely built a closer relationship between us all when we shared all aspects of our lives but this is from an NRPs point of view.

If you were still together then your DD would be attending the activity every week so why is it different because you have split up? SD's mum refuses to take her to the club on the weekends she has her (im assuming because she associates it with us?) even though SD begs us to take her every day!

[TimeforaNNChange]

One parent just cannot make assumptions about the circumstances in the other.

My ex tried to pursuade me to support my DD doing a weekend/holiday activity she wanted to do. He gave me all sorts of grief when I disagreed.
What he didn't know, and I wasn't prepared to share with him, was that I was threatened with redundancy at the time and applying for other jobs that would have meant I wouldn't have been able to get DD there and back.

There are many reasons one family may be unwilling to commit to additional activities when suggested by the other parent - illness, pregnancy, job security etc. It's none of the other parents business what they may be.

[QueenArseClangers]

If the club is on a Saturday morning could you keep DD at yours then take her straight to dad's after?
You could just do it every other time her dad has her so she would do 3/4 of the training? Could you then offer him an extra weeknight a month to make up for it?

[StripeyMonkey1]

My kids' dad lives a good two hour drive from us so it's not possible for him to take them to any weekend activity I book.

I have found that I can cover most things during the week - few clubs run only at the weekends. If there were to be a special event or competition on 'his' weekend then I would normally swap with him to accommodate it.

A couple of times I have booked activities on the weekend and have explained the situation to the organiser. I have only found people organising clubs to be understanding and accommodating which was great, allowing us to attend when we can. If your daughter trains during the week and every other weekend that might not impact her as much as you think.

[Shitonyoursofa]

I can see both sides of this.

In the circumstances the OP describes (i.e. only half an hour drive for the dad to get the activity), in a situation like mine where there are no other DCs needs to consider, and OH doesn't work weekends, he would definitely do what was needed for the DD to participate in her sport, and I would actively encourage him to do so.

However, I can easily see a situation where I might have other children who also want to do activities, perhaps we only have one car which is needed for another reason at that particular time, perhaps my OH works sometimes on a Saturday which means it would fall to me to take your DD to the activity. If you have two DDs (have I got that right?) then perhaps he needs his wife's buy in to looking after your other DD if she doesn't want to go along to her sister's activity every time, and perhaps his wife doesn't want to do that.

Without knowing exactly what goes on in their household, which tbh you never will, I think it is really difficult to judge whether he is being deliberately difficult, or whether he genuinely can't make it work in his circumstances.

[Pteranodon]

It's about the household but the adults in that household should want to do all they can to ensure all the various needs in their family are met, with the children's needs taking priority. Some imagination may be needed to do this, eg looking for lift shares, looking for fun stuff near the venue where other kids might like to go, paying, with help or reciprocation, for childcare... And flexibility on what 'family time' looks like: it can look like dropping Alice at training and then walking the dog with Bob and Cara, picking Alice up and all playing silly games on the way home; it doesn't have to involve forcing an unwilling Alice to be there every minute, unhappy in the knowledge that her parent and stepparent don't care enough about what's important to her.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

It is about the household. Why should one household go along with activities if it doesn't work for them the same way it works for the other household? What if the NR parent works every Saturday for example?

[cannotlogin]

It's not about a household, is it? It is about a child doing something they love to the best of their abilities and building their life, interests, friendships, camaraderie.

How many stepchildren miss out on activities the weekend their step sibling comes to stay?

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

For you OP, the impact and potential sacrifices you will make as a family are clearly worth it. But, for your DDs other family, they have a whole other set of priorities and needs that you know nothing about.Your Ex has decided that it is a sacrifice that they are unable to make as a family right now. He may have differing priorities to you, or it may be that if you had the same set of family circumstances yourself, you'd make the same decision. You just don't know.*

This ^^ Especially the bit in bold.
You can't always expect your child's other household to plan and adapt around activities that work well for you in your household.