How do I manage his ex wife

[breezybeach]

Not sure if I have put this on correct board
It's not really a step parenting issue maybe

Boyfreind and I together 2 years . Long distance relationship.
He and his XW seperated over a year before we met .
He usually visits me half the month as he is based from airport near me

Last summer .. Once he finally had his divorce.. I met his 3 DC 9,7 and 5
His ex was told and I offered to meet her if she wished
She said no .. Fair enough .. And said she didn't agree with myself or my Ds 9 being around HER children . It was morally wrong etc

Since then every visit Ds and I have made has either involved her ringing up continuously or going round his house and banging on the door , becoming hysterical which upsets the children

I try very hard not to cross any lines .. I

She then asked for my phone number , we spoke , I told her I understood how difficult adjustment could be and how I myself actually feel relieved my Xh has a fiancée who is nice to my kid when he visits .
I went to great lengths to stress I was not seeking to replace her

It was Okish . She was mostly concerned with trying to enlist my help in persuading him to pay her more money!! But I thought now we had talked woman to woman perhaps it would be OK .

Then 2 months ago bf told her we were thinking of my moving up there and buying a home together . She just went mad
Rang and screamed abuse . Kids present .

I bought the girls dresses and let them play with my lipstick etc . With their fathers permission . They have a shared care agreement but she is resident parent .
The children also saw us share a bed for the first time ( I used to sleep in spare room with my Ds ) and didn't bat an eyelid

We all get on very welll and have lovely time .

Anyway she went to his DC school and expressed her concerns I am an "appropriate adult " and I am grooming her children . That I sexualise them by buying them dresses ( she has a trousers only rule for girls ) and playing princesses .
I rang her to try again to appease her and reassure her and got such a torrent of abuse I have resolved to myself not to speak to her again .

We are due to join DP and his kids at his parents for a seaside Holiday tomorrow . I am really apprehensive . Apparently she keeps ringing up and demanding her children be returned before we arrive and says she will inform the police /take legal action

DP has a policy of just ignore her she's crazy. So do his family

I am actually scared
I have been having dreams about her

Any advice really appreciated .

I should probably add
My fears do have some grounding maybe
They lived in a small village and she accused a lovely male neighbour .. a divorced father too .. of "inappropriate conduct "towards the DC " because he let them play in his garden with his DC and started malicious gossip dd said he took her to toilet

Unless u have a criminal record of offences against kids then just laugh at her! She can't dictate who their dad has them spend time with. A judge would assume his judgement is acceptable in choosing his friends /gf and their kids! If dad is happy with the way the relationship is going between u and the kids then continue with it the way u are - as it seems they are already important to u! Can't promise she will calm down as I have been on your shoes before!

Thank you missgraeme
And no I have never been accused or suspected of a sexual offence against a child

I am sure the school ,police etc are wise but what worries me is the damage to the DC including mine

They are there when she shrieks, God knows what she says to them at home . Dd 7 asked her dad why she was so angry with me and said she felt " embarrassed "

This woman is batshit. And unlikely to change in the near future.
You've tried to be friendly and reasonable, it didn't work. Give up.
If the kids are present when she rants can you shoo them upstairs or into a kitchen or something? Or maybe tell her to save it until it's all adults alone as shes upsetting her kids?
Other than that you will have to do what everyone has said and ignore her as best you can.
She can ring the police all she likes, they won't be interested.
How does your DP handle her?

Bloody hell, I'd ignore and let your boyfriend deal with her. I would however avoid things like buying dresses and lipstick. If their dad wants to that's up to him, and then he can deal with any conflict. Not ideal I know but I'd take the view that I wouldn't give a friends child something their one of their parents didn't want them to have, so try to see this the same way.

What does your DP do when she starts screaming at him in front of the children?

Your DP said the best approach was to ignore her. Why didn't you trust his judgement?

This is his problem. Leave him to deal with it. Stay out of it. Ignore her.

Presumably he is trying to get residency taken away from the batshit exW? I mean, could you imagine leaving your children alone with someone as volatile as that? Is he recording the calls etc as evidence of batshittery?

Sometimes there is just no reasoning with some people but there are things you can do to improve the situation number 1 , only allow email contact when the children are with you , 2 , change your phone numbers and get a cheap pay as you go that she can call her children on while they are with you , tell her days and times she can speak to the children eg she can call at 7pm to say goodnight phone goes on at 7 off at 8 she only speaks to the children no put daddy on the phone - she can email any questions / demands etc , 3 , get a solicitor to write a letter informing her that you will take any malicious accusations made against either of you further by reporting her to police , 4 , sort out drop offs / pick ups ie she can collect from the garden gate not the door and your dp will watch them to the gate then shut the door as you want all communication in writing , 5 , keep all communication so you can take things further if need be , dont let her crazy tantrums suck you in your dp has every right to keep contact only about the children and she does not need to know what happens while the children are with you aslong as they are safe and being looked after properly she sounds very bitter and jealous

eir dad wants to that's up to him, and then he can deal with any conflict. Not ideal I know but I'd take the view that I wouldn't give a friends child something their one of their parents didn't want them to have, so try to see this the same way.

Yes to that. Why do it if you know it if you know it upsets her. Girls don't need makeup and dresses? she obviously has strong feelings if there is a no dress rule and it seem purely antagonist to do it anyway

You can't reason with batshit OP. You sound lovely & a UN diplomat role would not be out of your reach.
She can have one of these on my behalf.
I do feel for you, hope it all works out for you

she obviously has strong feelings if there is a no dress rule and it seem purely antagonist to do it anyway

We're not talking about an isolated incident of the ex calmly asking the exdh not to do one certain thing. We're talking about a woman who is loosing control and being abusive about most normal activity like them buying a house. Once DH agrees to one unreasonable condition such as not letting them wear a dress then it escalates. Would a court uphold her request that he makes sure they don't wear dresses. No. He is their parent too. How would ex like it if exdh made suitable demands about what she can and can't let the kids so when they are with her. She is saying 'I am in control of them and you' with her demands.

You both need to limit her opportunity to rant at you.

wouldn't give a friends child something their one of their parents didn't want them to have

You'd check with both parents if say one was at yours having tea? Both parents? So if the mum said 'yes he can drink coke' you'd say 'great but can I have his dad's mobile number so I can check with him too'?

Thank you for responses
I do want to say though I actually feel quiet strongly they are both parents and if he lets them have " play lipstick "( in the house only in my view) and wear dresses in and out the house then he can on his watch

Absolutely agree OP, why does mothers 'no dresses/girly things ' rule,
trump Dads normal world reality where they get to choose . (what the fuck is that about anyway ?? Surely as bad as a 'dress only/no trousers' rule from some kind of back-woods weirdos )

Do as your mother says when you are with her until you are old enough to tell her you don't wish to adhere to her prescriptive dress rules - and do as you father allows when with him.

No one parent gets to dictate on the others watch.

She does sound extremely volatile.

Don't get involved, you have done what you thought was best, but you've stepped too far in it.

Don't have any communication with the Ex, and back off from buying things for the kids. I know you probably want to show the kids you are reasonable and like them, but for the kids sake they need a bit of space here as you are relatively new in their lives, and they will feel it as a stirring up of trouble even if you didn't mean it. So back off from this, and let their Dad make all the decisions.

If you are moving this will be a bit traumatic for all including Ex, who is always going to be their mother whatever the outcome. So tread carefully. The Ex Going to the school is absolutely crazy so also protect yourself by getting your own legal advice. Just imho

I have a huge amount of sympathy. Some parts of this post could have been written by me. Even if you emerge from the holiday relatively unscathed she will be a nightmare once you're back. The DSC just end up being made to feel guilty for enjoying any time with you. I wish I could offer solutions but however much we try to ignore non-child related contact she just escalates the drama and blackmail more and more and it feels like refusing to sink to her level means she never gets any kind of consequence to her behaviour. Hang in there if he's the right one for you but take time to take care of yourself.