Advice please :( ?

[user1467697399]

I've been reading here for a while but never posted but I'm at my wits end lately. Sorry in advance for the huge rant of a post...!

I've been dating my partner who has a 2 year old boy for just about a year and things have always been pretty serious, I see my future with them both. I love my boyfriend and his son so much but very often I find it difficult to be in this situation, especially dealing with bad anxiety and depression. This is made worse very frequently by disagreeing on parenting - I KNOW that I'm not the parent and some might argue I shouldn't have any say at all but I've known my SS since he was just 1yo and my partner has always asked for my advice, support and given me 'permission' to take on a parenting role.

But when it comes to disagreements, the arguments get pretty nasty and result in my partner disrespecting me, insulting me and shouting at me - and even worse, in front of his son. He has a very short temper... so my only response is to walk out the room and isolate myself (usually resulting in a panic attack). I'm beginning to hate myself, and truly believe the things that he's saying, that I'm cruel and horrible and out to make his and his sons life miserable (he has said this in front of SS!!!).

I've given myself up to live with them both, cook their dinners, clean the house, do the laundry, everything. I plan meals that everyone will eat to avoid conflict, go out and do the grocery shopping to ensure everything is in, plan things to do at the weekend, buy him toys that will help him learn and develop (as opposed to the assorted dinosaur figures and kinder surprises that boyfriend always goes for!). I've bought him fun dinner sets to help his eating (partner and BM don't make an effort to improve his very fussy, almost non-existent appetite!). I went out and bought him a dinosaur bedding and now he LOVES to stay in his own bed - but partner always takes him into our bed when I'm not there anyway... just one example of his inconsistency to discipline.

I love them both and only have everybody's best interests at heart but my partner sees it as nagging and thinks I'm being too harsh by suggesting, what I think, is very basic discipline / teaching. Communication is almost out of the question at this point, he jumps straight to the defensive and refuses to speak (at least, without yelling) and I feel lost.

Am I being too harsh? Is it my place to say anything? I'm at a loss.

It's not useful to post on an Internet forum asking if you are wrong and then refuse to consider any other perspectives. All the different dimensions to this are relevant and have contributed to the situation. You can't just look at one bit in isolation because you don't like some of the feedback.

Equally you cannot tell people what they can or cannot say. It's a public forum.

My son I think you might have hit the nail on the head there!

When you're attacking me with perspectives you don't have a clue about.... My thread was asking if I have a place to say anything regarding discipline.... Not that I'm insignificant to my partner's son - which that was clearly meant to read - or judgemental to my partner's ex girlfriend.

A typo definitely hits the nail on the head...

Not once did I bash her or her parenting.

You need to read your own posts back. You did. Several times.

As a am and a 'bm' I think you sound like a bloody nightmare and that's you describing yourself so probably giving what you think is the best version of events.

You are judgemental and rude about this childs parents and think that you know best.
You might even be right, but your boyfriend doesn't want to hear it and the pay off for you bringing it up is an atmosphere of shouting, aggression and fear for a tiny child.

I really think you need to leave.

Just to focus on your question as I am a step-parent too, but also have 2 dc of my own...

It can be very very difficult to take on board feedback/criticism from someone on your parenting style no matter how much you love or appreciate them.

(I'm not excusing any type of abusive or controlling behaviour here - if that's the case you need to be really honest with yourself about the relationship full stop.)

But yes, as a step-parent it is your place to try and help and you're entitled to an opinion. I found that when my DP initially used to give me very honest and open feedback about my parenting style I would get extremely defensive and really didn't want to hear it. (I knew best for my children and all that!!)
In truth, like you say, nobody is perfect and I had to find a way to try and take on board what he was saying without snapping. It was a combination of me realising my sensitivity after being a single parent for so long, and him adapting his approach. Which is where (hopefully) I can help you. It could be that everything you're saying is absolutely spot on, but the way you are saying it and the way you are coming across could be better??

You may be actually picking up on things he knows he needs to change, but he's too stubborn/sensitive to admit it? I find that if my DP approaches things with a bit more sensitivity and tact, and rather than criticising me actually sounds like he's trying to support and help me, then it makes a big difference. Not saying this is what you're doing, but it's worth thinking about?

Your son you mean step son even then your not married. Do you refer to him as his mom? A years relationship isn't very long you could split up and then there will be another woman in your place. You seem to have adopted the role rather quickly. Within a year you already living with your DP and active in this child's life. I think you need to really take a step back, it all seems abit full on to be honest.

I agree with AyeAmarok please reread several posts you have bashed the 'BM' parenting styles.

It would irk me if someone who wasn't experienced as a parent tried to tell me how to parent my child.

You both moved far too quickly.

Freudian slip not typo imho.

I never said the word insignificant. My point was your relationship is too new and volatile to be taking on a full on discipline and parenting role in this child's life. For all the reasons I've stated.

For what it's worth I have two step children, I've been in their lives since they were very little. I offer my thoughts to my husband when he wants to talk about it, but other than that I do not comment on his parenting. Not my children - not my choice. They are both almost adults now and even now I'm reluctant to discipline them (if that's the right word at their stage in life!).

I was without children for a good ten years of our relationship and I cringe at some of the assumptions or opinions I had pre children. I used to hate it when people said 'you'll find out when you become a parent', But they were right. It's easy to look at things in black and white when you don't have that emotional biological connection. It's lovely that you care, I really did/do too but it simply isn't the same depth of feeling. It shapes your thinking towards your child and adds a lot more layers than just simply doing educational things with them or cooking a meal and thinking that's being a good parent.

You have judged the ex whether you acknowledge it or not. You have judged your boyfriend whether you acknowledge it or not. It's easy to judge when you haven't walked in those shoes.

If he thinks you are bullying his child, which is what you said in your OP then I would take that as a big red flag to back off.

I've bought him fun dinner sets to help his eating (partner and BM don't make an effort to improve his very fussy, almost non-existent appetite!). I went out and bought him a dinosaur bedding and now he LOVES to stay in his own bed - but partner always takes him into our bed when I'm not there anyway... just one example of his inconsistency to discipline.

One example and that's just in your OP.

**This little boy is not bad - he's extremely clever and picks up on new things quickly but it seems that BM and partner don't want to try with him. He loves helping me with the laundry or taking dishes through to the kitchen after meals, he gets excited about cleaning up spills. It's a change from BM sticking an iPad in front of him or sitting on sofa watching the same movie. The look on his face when he was playing animal dominoes with me and being praised on how smart he was matching the right cards together made me so happy. But along with the disrespect this little boy is seeing, and the lack of correction and effort drives me over the edge, I can't hold back my feelings.
**

OP you can't dictate what replies you get on a public forum. I think many posters are just quite shocked at how involved you are in such a short space of time. I think both you and your partner have been extremely foolish to put you in a parenting role so quickly and without any real consideration it would seem to the longer term. How would the little boy cope if the woman who has been co parenting him for a year suddenly disappeared? You haven't been fair to him.

It's there in black and white you equally bashing both the DM and DF. You sounds like a nightmare and completely over setting the mark. You judge their behaviours but yet you feel your above them dispite your DP saying your bullying his DS. I agree with pp you do need to take a step back. You sound extremely young. You're very negative about others but you won't address the issues you have.

Your not just a GF obviously you are a huge part of his life but after further reading I think I'm sat on the fence with this one.

You have bad mouthed both bio parents yet you are not seeing that you are.

Control is a huge part of anxiety - I know as I have it. I think your anxiety is also being triggered by not having complete control

Climbing in to bed with mum and dad is very normal - if it's not your thing then fine but and I think this is where bio preference comes in - his dad gets to choose. I really wouldn't like it if my child wanted a cuddle with his dad and his dad's partner was refusing that.

His ex partner has no say if you are in the bed and your partner should tell her that.

it sounds like you have invested a lot of time and energy in yo this little boy but get upset when things are not going to your plan. Things are still actually relatively new and I'm never surprised at how upset new girlfriends get when they throw them selfs in to being super mum and 'wifey' only to get upset and feel under appreciated - especially on discipline. Some men have it bloody easy some times!!!

All that aside - I just wouldn't be with a bloke who called me names. i don't think you will leave. I think you are that eager to start your own nuclear family you will put up with this. Are you talking about starting your own family? Because if you are and do - thst will bring its own problems about how differently each child gets treated ....

I don't get wh you would want to stay with someone who is so unpleasant to you?

I think the discussion about whether or not you are judging the kids parents is not as relevant as to why you would actually want to be in such a crap relationship in the first place.

Do you have cctv up in his mums house, if not you have no clue what goes on there. Your partner is not an unbiased observer of what goes on there.

A two year old is way to little for someone who is not their parent to say they can't get into bed with their dad. They need cuddles at night for all sorts of reasons.

He is probably a clever little boy partly due to hours of imaginative play with dinosaurs and kinder toys. It's amazing how imagination and time for unstructured play helps their brain to develop. Well done to his mum and dad for encouraging it. Children are so structured now with educational visits and games that they end up clueless when left with a box of random toys.

Your relationship is still very new, I would not build a life with someone who spoke to me the way he speaks to you.

Yes, you have 'bashed' the child's mother. You know full well the term 'birth mum' is used in relation to children who are adopted or fostered but pretend otherwise. You have judged her parenting - and made some huge assumptions about what goes on in her home when logically you can't possibly know. And then you pretend you haven't a clue. You are not this child's parent and need to accept that either detach or dump.

Sorry but your relationship with your DP sounds dreadful. Of course 80-90% of the time you're both "so happy" because you behave yourself most of the time by running around cooking and cleaning and doing all the "wifework" for him and the child he created with another woman ...but then his quick temper is unleashed all guns blazing when you voice an opinion he doesn't agree with.

You say your DP cares so much for you - I'm struggling to picture what this caring actually looks like in practice when you're the one doing all the day-to-day stuff and he point blank refuses to discuss an issue that he knows probably has an impact on your anxiety and depression.

You also say he's an amazing dad - how? He doesn't do dinners, laundry, cleaning, educational play or discipline so what is it that makes him so amazing? Genuine question, not being sarcastic. And if after thinking about it you conclude that he is still amazing then you can confidently step back from involving yourself in his parenting style.

Do you think there might be an element of you trying to right the wrongs of your own dysfunctional upbringing by over investing in this man's child?

You asked for advice as to how you could communicate with your partner - he has in effect already told you that you can't or he'll act abusively towards you. So what to do? You either put up and shut up with his way of doing things (but I promise you the resentment will kill your relationship) or you walk away. You also asked whether it was your place to get involved in discipline. Personally as a stepparent I get involved in anything that directly impacts me e.g I will insist that my DSC bring their cups/plates back to the kitchen so I don't run out of crockery, or remind them to bin their sweet wrappers/yoghurt pots so I don't have to pick up after them, however the state of their bedrooms is a matter between them and their dad.

I think your intentions are well-meaning but how your DP does or doesn't bring his son up is a red herring - this relationship and its dynamics don't sound good for you. Of course you could list loads of nice bits which make you happy (and my god you've earned them with all your skivvying) but your DP's insults and yelling are a huge red flag. It makes me sad that he can act like this but you still think you're onto a good thing.

There is no right and wrong way in how involved a step-parent becomes in the lives of their step-child, however, what is essential is that you should be on the same wavelength which clearly you are not.

In my case, I'm with your OH and understand how he feels. When I moved with my now husband, I was a confident parent, who had been parenting my children mainly on my own, and what I really didn't need was a new partner telling me how to raise them. That didn't mean that I was a perfect parent, just that I was a confident one. I made it clear with my partner before I moved in with him that I would always listen to his views and take them into account, but if I didn't agree with them, my opinion, when it came to my children would ALWAYS prevail. He totally understood that and respected it.

If my partner had been trying to tell me what behaviour was acceptable and what wasn't, if he had made a fuss about my children climbing to bed with me (when he wasn't there), I too would have snapped as I would have felt overpowered.

I am not saying that your attitude is wrong as many fathers are very happy to just go along with what their partner think is right or wrong, but it sounds like it is not the case with your OH.

You now need to decide whether you can take a step back and most important TRUST your partner. I remember when my kids started to watch Eastenders and OH thought they were much too young for it. I said to him that I didn't mind because they were mature and I'd rather they watched it and get bored of it quickly. I have always been opened with them about any matters of life and they feel comfortable talking about anything with me. OH didn't bring the matter up again, and sure enough, a few months later, they became bored with it and have never watched it again since (2 years ago). I very much appreciated that OP did trust my instincts.

I expect that's what really gets to your OH, that ultimately, every time you challenge his decisions, it's telling him that you don't trust that he knows best for his child.

From the outside it sounds as if you have all got enmeshed too quickly. Your DP is probably only just trying to establish his own parenting style, and 50/50, in my experience can mean immaturity on both sides of parenting (not always!) - but it can mean neither parent is really the solid one.

And then your BF moves in with you? Which means that he hasn't really set up a base for himself for the child who is so young. He kind of is passing off a lot of his responsibilities onto you just by doing that.And now you seem to have got very embroiled, when really both his parents should be setting up some kind of normal themselves.

Whatever way it does really sound like all of you, including the 2 year old in the middle, who is seeing his Dad shout in front of him regularly, who you say is not being nice to you while his son is around, that is just no good for anybody. It is very volatile and high conflict. I'd ask your BF to move out, and take a deep breath and back off this child's daily life for a while. If you still want to be with your BF, then take your time to get to know each other without it being about you being another mother to his kid.

Op, please take on board some of the comments as most people are trying to help.This is a new relationship and if your partner is acting like this so early on it's likely to continue. Conflict over parenting (and other things) happen but how it's handled is critical and in this your relationship is failing.

Have you felt a need to rescue/fix issues for your boyfriend and child? It's understandable but for your happiness I think you need to see if this relationship is really good for you.I think if your self esteem was higher you would have ended this the first time he called you names.

You have a right to raise issues/make comments esp since you live together.

You actually sound totally over invested and slightly obsessive in your descriptions of your relationship with this little boy. Your contempt for both of his parents and their parenting of THEIR son rings out.

Your relationship with your partner sounds awful. Things escalate into verbal arp tracks in front of a two year old? Time to cut your losses and run.

I think that your relationship is doomed to fail. Losing yourself is a tragedy.
You are always going to be told that you're not the parent so your opinion doesn't matter. This may not annoy you now but it will wear you down quickly. Even if dss was your biological child, fundamental parenting differences between two parents are doomed to lead to a failed relationship as the parent who is forced to play Bad Cop will get sick of it .
Your partner is being a Disney Dad and unless he is aware of it and gets over the reasons why, you're always going to have that problem.

I don't agree at all with the above comment. There is a large gap between being told that you will never be a parent and therefore never have a say, and being over-involved and being told to back up.

I don't think your relationship is bound to fail, I think you've gone much too quickly through the process and now paying the consequences of dealing with everything in one go. Moving in with someone with a young kid when you are yourself new to the whole thing involves a LOT of learning, and learning takes time.

At the moment, you are in conflict over this matter, but conflicts can get resolved successfully, you just have to communicate and most importantly listen. You all need to find your role in your new family.

I don't think you have said near enough to come to the conclusion that your partner is Disney dad. It's an easy conclusion that suits SM when their partner don't discipline their kids as they would themselves.

There is a French saying which I've learn is sooooo true. It's says 'before I had children, I had principles'! I like this saying because it is so true that what we think we will do with our kids in terms of discipline before they are born and after is two different things. It's much easier to want to be strict and stick to principle when you are not emotionally involved as you are as a parent. I was adamant that my kids would never come into my bed before I got pregnant, then hold and behold...I ended up sharing a bed every night for 3 years with my eldest. She is now a wonderful 16 yo, would I do things differently? No, doing so was absolutely right at the time and I'm glad I did because I learnt that listening to my heart was often more accurate than listening to my mind.

You have to trust your partner that he is a good dad.

Leaving aside for the moment the fact that you and your DP are unable to deal with conflict in a healthy way, your expectations of being a "stepmum" are different from the role your DP sees you playing.

You feel that you have a significant independent role in the raising of your DPs DC, whereas your DP has made it clear that he wants you to be supportive, but not lead, in the setting of boundaries, etc. It is his choice whether to buy educational toys or not. His choice whether to enforce sleeping arrangements, his choice whether to teach his DS to use a knife and fork. You can choose whether or not to take responsibility for those things yourself, but your DP is making it clear that is not welcome.

Neither of you are wrong - but, as your DP is the parent, he gets the final say in the role you have in his DS life. You can either accept that - step back, acknowledge that no matter how much homemaking, toy buying etc you do, your emotional investment is not welcome, or you can cut your losses and decide that irrespective of how "good" your relationship is, you need more than your DP can give you.

For what it's worth, my DD lives 50:50 between me and her dad, and has a stepparent in both households. Neither have ever fulfilled the role of third/fourth parent. She doesn't need more parental figures - she already has two active parents. My DH, and DDs SM, provide supportive reinforcement for the decisions, values and beliefs that my ex and I, as DDs parents, decide.

Brilliant advice although I'm not sure that it is a case that OP's emotional investment is not welcome. I expect it's more about boundaries. OP seems to have an opinion on many different aspect of discipline and maybe it is just too much. Maybe it is just a small step back that is required, but one that will make a big difference. Maybe OP's OH defensiveness is in response to feeling that OP is slowly wishing to take over all decisions when he doesn't mind a few just not all.