Advice please :( ?

[user1467697399]

I've been reading here for a while but never posted but I'm at my wits end lately. Sorry in advance for the huge rant of a post...!

I've been dating my partner who has a 2 year old boy for just about a year and things have always been pretty serious, I see my future with them both. I love my boyfriend and his son so much but very often I find it difficult to be in this situation, especially dealing with bad anxiety and depression. This is made worse very frequently by disagreeing on parenting - I KNOW that I'm not the parent and some might argue I shouldn't have any say at all but I've known my SS since he was just 1yo and my partner has always asked for my advice, support and given me 'permission' to take on a parenting role.

But when it comes to disagreements, the arguments get pretty nasty and result in my partner disrespecting me, insulting me and shouting at me - and even worse, in front of his son. He has a very short temper... so my only response is to walk out the room and isolate myself (usually resulting in a panic attack). I'm beginning to hate myself, and truly believe the things that he's saying, that I'm cruel and horrible and out to make his and his sons life miserable (he has said this in front of SS!!!).

I've given myself up to live with them both, cook their dinners, clean the house, do the laundry, everything. I plan meals that everyone will eat to avoid conflict, go out and do the grocery shopping to ensure everything is in, plan things to do at the weekend, buy him toys that will help him learn and develop (as opposed to the assorted dinosaur figures and kinder surprises that boyfriend always goes for!). I've bought him fun dinner sets to help his eating (partner and BM don't make an effort to improve his very fussy, almost non-existent appetite!). I went out and bought him a dinosaur bedding and now he LOVES to stay in his own bed - but partner always takes him into our bed when I'm not there anyway... just one example of his inconsistency to discipline.

I love them both and only have everybody's best interests at heart but my partner sees it as nagging and thinks I'm being too harsh by suggesting, what I think, is very basic discipline / teaching. Communication is almost out of the question at this point, he jumps straight to the defensive and refuses to speak (at least, without yelling) and I feel lost.

Am I being too harsh? Is it my place to say anything? I'm at a loss.

Just leave the parents to it. It is completely down to them how they raise their son. Why get involved in arguments you will never win?

You can't communicate with your partner without it turning nasty, it is not going to change anytime soon.

You're still a part time non permanent fixture (GF). A year isn't long enough to be getting so involved in parenting this little boy. He may not even know you next year.

Your living arrangements don't give you a role yet in this boys upbringing imho.

Plus in the nicest possible way your 'motherly instincts' mean nothing. When you've had kids then you realise how naive those sorts of statements are. Getting into bed together can be lovely physical bonding for parent and child. Of course not everyone has to do that but some choose to do so. Educational toys and rules are not the b all and end all of being a parent. Physical affection is just as important.

OP, I'm curious how old you are?

I think you should leave him. It's not working is it? It's not working for you, for him or for the child.

I think you should leave and spend time on your own enjoying life.

You are only a year into this 'relationship' but it sounds so dreary and unhappy. The conflict with his child may well get a lot worse. Why put yourself through that.

LTB

"I've given myself up to live with them both, cook their dinners, clean the house, do the laundry, everything. I plan meals that everyone will eat to avoid conflict, go out and do the grocery shopping to ensure everything is in, plan things to do at the weekend, buy him toys that will help him learn and develop (as opposed to the assorted dinosaur figures and kinder surprises that boyfriend always goes for!). I've bought him fun dinner sets to help his eating (partner and BM don't make an effort to improve his very fussy, almost non-existent appetite!). I went out and bought him a dinosaur bedding and now he LOVES to stay in his own bed - but partner always takes him into our bed when I'm not there anyway... just one example of his inconsistency to discipline."
"Not once have I bad mouthed either parent, but merely mentioned the things that I like to do with my partner's son to enhance his own development as well as his play time. Again, didn't 'slag' the use of an iPad.. Of course it's educational, and a good method for distraction whilst doing chores or having a little bit of 'me time'.. but not to watch dinosaurs on repeat while she marathon watches the Real Housewives or orders in take away for his dinner. Yes, I'm bitter."
Yes. You are judgemental. Your posts very much read like you are the saint picking up after these inadequate parents because you have a natural motherly instinct (even though you've never actually parented a child) and they know nothing.

I think you're getting a lot of unnecessary and unhelpful comments here. You're trying your best and of course this is a place to vent without fear of being judged (I thought) I think you sound like you're doing a great job but it might be easier for you to take your foot of the pedal a little of you're finding it difficult. I'm in my early 20s with you partners child half the week and I totally understand how much it changes your life. Yes we opted in to it but it doesn't mean we don't need some support, encouragement and advice sometimes rather than dogs and criticisms. Hang in there!! The love you have for your partner shows its all worth it.

Digs not dogs! Ha

Op you sound really unhappy.
Are they really worth it?

I agree that step parents should have support but should also know when to hold back. This is where the experience of others can be useful. I think people have tried to be honest and not do fawning.

It's a bloody hard thankless task but it doesn't help when people start interjecting their own agendas because they think they know best. Especially when that knowledge is based on no life experience.

Fwiw I think you overstep the mark for a girlfriend of one year and you do come across as judgemental wrt the parents parenting.

Overall you just don't sound happy and I doubt this relationship will get any better.

This child doesn't need you around to save him from his own parents.

Split now while you've only wasted a year.

Thanks for that lhh00002106.

In no way am I judgemental or a saint, as I've already stated. In no way are they inadequate parents. Everybody has instincts when it comes to a child - perhaps motherly is the wrong term.

There is nothing wrong with iPads or dinosaur figures which he is very much used to, but to see the excitement this little boy has when I bring out a toy that requires him to think and be praised on how clever he is, when we go to different places like the aquarium or zoo at the weekend and he learns new animals and names for things - he loves to show off his new knowledge with everybody. He feels like a big boy sleeping in his own bed.

The comments about his mother are based on the things my partner comes back to me with every time he picks him up. What did he eat for dinner? McNuggets, pizza, spring rolls or rice from the Chinese. EVERY TIME. It upsets me - so I make an effort to cook him nice home made meals when he's at ours in his cute little dinosaur dinner plates.

I say again, this thread was a VENT of my build up feelings over the past year. My relationship is not unhappy or dreary.. maybe this thread comes across that way because I am VENTING and seeking advice on the negative aspects of this situation.

I don't think I know best, but I have my opinions that I try to communicate with my partner.. the thread was for advice on doing so without him getting mad at me. I don't demand or dictate what he (or she) should do or demoralise anything he does do - I've said, I realise I'm not the parent and don't have the role to dictate. Again, venting about the things he does that drive me crazy.

Thanks for the helpful comments.

TBH I think one of the hardest parts of becoming a step parent is that you and your partner have never had time to agree what you think about parenting because the children are already there and the parenting is already in place. So if there are differences in opinion then it can be impossible to reach a compromise, because the parent sees things from theirs and the child's point of view whereas the incoming partner might see things differently. E.g. The child coming into bed, the parent may see that as a nice time to bond with the child whereas the incoming partner may see being in bed with their partner as their time to be together without the kids. Iyswim.

I don't necessarily agree with pp's who say that the OP is just a gf of one year so is not important. After all if you live with someone and their child is a fixture for half the week then it's impossible not to be involved, surely? Especially with a child who is still so young. And a year is half the life of a two year old so not insignificant by any means.

However, if differences in parenting ideals are resulting in arguments, shouting and name calling as well as negative views of the ex who is the child's mother then it is probably time to step away and to consider whether a step parent role is one for you. Because as much of an input as you have into the children's lives there will always be conflict if your parenting ideals don't match, and believe me a difference in parenting a two year old is going to be a walk in the park compared to a difference in parenting a teenager. So if you're struggling to compromise now it's not likely to get better.

Thanks WannaBe, I appreciate that comment.

People who haven't been in this position don't realise how difficult it is to take on somebody else's child. I went from being alone and carefree to having this cute little, very dependent baby in my life and it's something you cant prepare yourself for, no matter how hard you try.

I think it's quite insulting and very hurtful to say I am just the girlfriend and play an insignificant role. Like you say... I've been part of his life, for half of his life lol. At such an age, the changes and things I've gone through with them are massive - from walking on his own, changes in diet, changes in how he interacts and socialises, talking, moving from highchair to dining table, crib bed to big boy bed, sleeping, starting nursery, making chums, and now onto potty training....

Because of this, I can tell that he views me as a very big part of his life, it makes me proud and happy to be part of. It makes my boyfriend extremely happy to see how he enjoys being with me. To say I've wasted a year is hurtful... I hope that makes sense.

wannabe I have to disagree with your point on the length of time (of course I would I'm one of those who said it ).

I think people jump in and out of relationships very quickly these days and assume roles that should, in my opinion, take time to build and evolve naturally. That way the decisions they make are based on a solid foundation of mutual understanding between partners, not assumed rights based on domestic arrangements.

Sadly a lot of relationships don't work out for whatever reason, which can be particularly confusing for a child. Especially when the 'new' person has such diametrically opposing views to their own parent, sufficient enough to cause conflict in the home. The child has had to experience the ups and downs whilst the two adults fight it out and then one leaves, probably to be replaced by another partner and the cycle can begin again. Very confusing for the child.

Of course not all situations end up like this. But whilst new partners (and yes I do think 12 months is new) are getting to know each other and figuring out if they have a long term future together, no assumed parental role should be undertaken that might confuse the child or interfer with the parents' role.

The challenge as you say is how not to be involved when time is split between two households. There again I'm kind of old fashioned I think the dad should have his own place if he has this kind of 50/50 arrangement so he can focus on being a dad when he needs to and develop his relationship the rest of the time.

I've been in your position for over a decade and I still think you are approaching this in the wrong way.

You obviously care a great deal about this little boy but that doesn't alter the fact that just a year into a relationship you shouldn't have such a big role in his life. You certainly shouldn't have 'given yourself up' to cook and clean for them both. Your relationship could end tomorrow and then you would never see the child again so I really think you need to just step back and let his parents make the decisions about how to raise him. If you disagree with your partner's parenting then the best thing to do is walk away, I would for the name calling alone.

I'm glad others have agreed that you come across as judgemental. It's easy to blame the mum. You were crisisizing her parenting style. She may have other DC to see to and with a house to run its hard to divert attention all the time that you give when you see him on set days. I could copy and paste sections where you been judgemental but others have rightly pointed it out. I'm all for step parents being involved but I think it's unfair and uncalled when the moms getting a bashing over trivial things. You only been together a year so your still fairly new on the scene. I do think you could take a step back abit. I get you have issues with your DP you decide if it's worth staying for but utilmately the mother has no relevance to your current issues.

You are (I am quoting) at your wits end , you are anxious and depressed, you have arguments with your BF which turn pretty nasty Where your partner disrespects, insults and shouts at you. He also refuses to speak to you when you want to talk to him as communication is almost out of the question

On top of this you have given yourself up to live with him and do all the laundry, cooking and cleaning. Or, as you put it everything

^^^ This is what YOU have said in your OP. You need to realise this is a million miles from OK. It's not normal or healthy to be in a relationship like this even if he is 'nice' most of the time.

If you have such a bad relationship now what makes you think it will improve with time? What would happen if you had kids with this man and had the added stresses of a young family?

If you can't think of your own happiness and welfare then think of the young boys. It's irresponsible to think that its healthy for him to witness this crappy relationship. You might think it's normal but it isn't. My kids have witnessed my DH and I squabble and be grumpy from time to time but they have never once seen us disrespect and insult each other. That would be awful.

You need to call it quits and get out of this relationship ASAP for you and your partners child's sake.

It's time to be sensible.....

Whilst, yes, you have come across as judgemental about some parenting decisions (I was still happily co-cleeping with each of my children aged 2, for example), I don't think that's the main issue here. The fact that your boyfriend has a short temper and shouts at you and disrespects you is the issue.
Has he ever hit you or thrown things at you, OP? Slammed doors? Sworn? Called names?

Somerville is it possible he's built a resentment up from OP who has maybe critiquing his parenting and is beginning to snap. Raised voices don't always lead to violence.

This sounds like a lot more than just raised voices, Jessica.:

But when it comes to disagreements, the arguments get pretty nasty and result in my partner disrespecting me, insulting me and shouting at me - and even worse, in front of his son. He has a very short temper... so my only response is to walk out the room and isolate myself (usually resulting in a panic attack). I'm beginning to hate myself, and truly believe the things that he's saying, that I'm cruel and horrible and out to make his and his sons life miserable (he has said this in front of SS!!!).

If the OP is really so bad for his son that her boyfriend snaps this badly, he should have ended the relationship swiftly.
Since he hasn't, and together with the fact they moved in very quickly and she's having to do all the housework etc, I think there could be red flags here. This man sounds controlling (from the little we've heard; obviously it's hard to tell. Hence my questions.)

I think the controlling probably goes both ways to be fair ... I would not be happy if someone told me I can't cuddle my son in bed or he shouldn't play with dinosaurs. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

But who knows, we don't know either person in the scenario and only have one side of the situation. The bottom line is the OP asked about dealing with the parenting situation.

I agree Bambam I think it would be interesting to hear the DPs take on things. I don't know what's not educational about dinosaurs my 8year loves them and knows lot of interesting facts what species is what.

My 2 year old loves dinosaurs. Does a great impression of one!

The comments about how insignificant I am in my partner's son's life needs to stop, the thread was not about how much I mean to my son or how much time I have wasted with them. It's hurtful, especially since there is NO concern for how I'm impacting his life - my partner, his family and even the child's mother have thanked me for my contribution and the love and support I give. That is not in question. Nor am I bigging myself up by saying that.

Secondly, the comments about me 'bashing' the child's mother needs to stop. Not once did I bash her or her parenting. She can do what she wants in her home, I don't care what she does in her own home. What I care about is what things are like in OUR home - hence asking how I can better communicate with my partner about dealing with things in our home. I don't interfere with his mothers side of things, the judgemental comments I make are exactly what has been passed onto me by my partner. My bitter feelings towards her come from VARIOUS other things - much less 'trivial' issues, that I haven't shared here.

Likewise I haven't shared a lot of details about how our living situation and arrangements have come about...but that wasn't part of my thread that was intended to get advice on how better to communicate with my partner regarding parenting (thanks bambamrubblesmum). I think its difficult (and judgemental) to say that I've approached things in the wrong way, as I've approached things in the best way possible given the situation...

JessicaRabbit3, you are VERY quick to jump to assumptions. You have no idea the circumstances - nor do I expect you to - criticism hasn't been made in any way other than trying to have conversations about how I feel or my suggestions which he has asked me to be open about. Likewise all these judgements being made against me are fairly hypocritical. Sure didn't expect this from posting here...

I just wanted advice on communicating with my partner about things.

To add.. I've said several times there is absolutely nothing wrong with dinosaurs... He has hundreds of dinosaurs he's constantly playing with - he loves them, there's no issue with that. He can name them all - it's impressive. He loves to correct you if you name it wrong! We've been to dinosaur museums and collected 'dinosaur eggs' - he loved it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with dinosaurs.

But when I took out a game of animal dominoes, or snap, or rolling dice games - my partner was SHOCKED by how smart he was and how much he enjoyed playing other games than dinosaur figures - that's my concern. He is such a smart little boy and it's often overlooked.