Adult step sons ... Not in work or education leaving at home

[springtime1974]

Hi everyone. I am almost at the end of my tether ... Please can you tell me if I am being crazy . Brief history : married for nearly 8 years . 2 children of our own ( aged 8 and 2 weeks old baby) ... Have had 2 step sons living with us full time for past 10 years . At present here is the situation : step son 1 is 22 and has never had a job more than a few weeks since he left school 5 years ago .. He spends his days doing what he likes , coming and going at all hours of the night . I have found a large bag of cannabis in his room and he constantly smells of the drug when he returns home late at night .He is not a bad person, he will help when I ask but he is not making any effort to get work or education . Step son 2 (just turned 18) is another story : dropped out of school last December ... Not worked a day since .he stays in bed until 3 pm , gets up and goes on his phone 24/7 and then stays up all night watching crap on to, leaves his clothes all over the bedroom floor ( which he shares with my 8 year old daughter) and never lifts a finger round the house. Has a history of going on websites to meet men for sex ( my husband actually caught him 2 weeks ago ... He was staying at my mother in laws house .. Went on Grindr and 2 men turned up outside while he had the intention of going off with them in their car, except my husband caught him in the act . He has said he doesn't care , he likes the risk and everyone does it . And all of this comes after he actually went with a guy in January and then made a complaint to the police that he had been attacked and drugged by this man... The case is still ongoing . He smokes canabis also and is now allowed to smoke cigarettes in the garden ... I detest smoking and eve n more so with the new baby .
I am reaching the end of my tether here . I have been fighting every day for the past few weeks with my husband over this situation , but it feels like he is not prepared to give either of them an ultimatum : get a job or move out !!!
I work full time but now I am on maternity leave I'm feeling like a stranger in my own home .
Is there anyone else who has this sort of issue or anyone who could advise me what to do ? Much appreciated xx.

She actually was in her own bedroom until last summer , when the 22 year old ss took it apon himself to move into and redecorate her room

I can't believe neither you nor your DH said anything!

I can - both OP and the father are spineless about this man - he's still in the house with his bags of drugs, remember?

Thank you Cabrinha . I am spineless you are so right . I just allow people to walk all over me because I can't bear to confront a bad situation. I am pathetic . I really have let my daughter down .Re having another child : I had problems getting pregnant after my daughter , loosing one to missed miscarriage and have been trying ever since to have another baby . I couldn't be happier now he is finally here :) after all those years .

Cabrinha - don't kick someone when they're down.

Springtime - it seems like you totally get it. Just be tough. Your children and children and they need your protection. That is your focus.

Secondly your dh needs to understand that he isn't doing any favours to these men. He need to be tough with them. They're never going to have a life of their own carrying in this way.

I'm sorry you went through a missed miscarriage - it's awful, worst time of my life when I did too. And I remember how driven I was to be pregnant again and that took 2 years and IVF. I'm glad you were able to have another baby, I just think it would have been a good idea to sort out the space first!

It's good that you realise that your issue is with confrontation. Does that mean you also feel unable to confront the husband about his son's behaviour? Why not look into some support - counselling or self help techniques? It will help you deal with your layabout stepson(s) now, and be good for the future you.

Who has been parenting these boys since they were 8 and 10? Dh sounds like he checked out and left the parenting to you and you sound like you feel you should leave the parenting to him. I get the impression of two rudderless directionless adult children who have lacked guidance. The behaviour of the 18 year old is especially worrying. Is he craving attention? Were they sidelined when dd came along? They would have been at a very awkward age. Apologies if I am completely wrong. I agree you can't just kick them out, this is their home after all but family discussions are desperately needed and action taken. Good luck

Op you are making good decisions now and it's great you have options such as your other accommodation. Well done for taking control. Life will feel better when two lazy drug addicts are not in charge.💐

Thanks Cabrinha. .I am going to look into some help with counselling in the future ..my priority now is sorting out this mess I have managed to get my self and my children into .
Bograinger. .We both have parented the ss but I know my husband really has not pulled his weight with either of them when they had any issues .prefers to bury his head in the sand and pretend we are all a big happy family .. neither of the ss were sidelined when my dd came along . In fact I went out of my way to spend time with the youngest ss. .They both have everything they could need in the family unit as far as I can see .. neither my husband or myself drink , we rarely go out .. We have had plenty of family holidays , always eat family meals together , etc etc ... I honestly could not have given anymore to them . It seems like they just want to live life without ever having to grow up and be adults . The 18 year old has counselling several times and the last sessions he just never even bothered to go after the first 2 ... sorry if this is rambling I'm trying to settle the baby :)
Thanks mouldycheese

How are you getting on sorting the room out? Stand your ground on this.

Question 1: How the hell did you let a grown man move into and redecorate your young daughter's bedroom, especially since you know he brings drugs into the house???
Question 2: if he doesn't work, how does he fund the drug situation, is his DF giving him money (which would be stupid), or is he obtaining money by some illegal means, (which could be downright dangerous for him, and the rest of you)???
I'm glad you've decided to get the hell out of there for a while, and I really hope your DH takes this as a warning that he could lose you, and your DC, if he doesn't sort this ridiculous situation out!

Out, out ,out. Clearly living at home is doing them no favours. Give them a time frame to get jobs and if cannabis is found in the house they will be straight out on there ass.

What a strange thread! Hope to god this is s joke!

Springtime : you have my complete sympathy. I am in a smaller boat than you are but if not watched I could easily be in the same situation. My DSS is 23 and happily for me lives with his mum 300 miles away. He comes to visit for two weeks each summer and I week at xmas. He has decided our house is better at xmas than his own for some reason. He arrives at stupid hours of the night and my DH(who has epilepsy bout on by stress,tirdness) has to wait up to let him in. He takes over a bedroom and the office as he bring his computer. He spends his days playing games ,drinking bottles of JD and until recently speaking to seriously underage girl on the internet. He too trawls tinder and expects to bring a girl back if he gets lucky. he refuses to eat with the family preferring to cook himself junk from the freezer at 11pm each night. He makes up stories about me to my DH and its horrible. It will only take his DSD to kick him out (he treats him just like he treats me) and we will end up with him. He also refuses to work saying jobs are beneath him. I feel your pain. Its hard . I agree with a few people. Sit down with your husband and slug out some ground rule. Once these are set tell the boys the rules and if the don't adhere then ship out. it will be left to them. They are adults not kids. we have done it and it works. My son who is 22 knows that unless he is working and paying board and contributing to the house then he has to live elsewhere. he agrees and happily does it when he is in the UK. This is why my DSS lives with his mum I suspect. good luck x

Thank you so much Princess for sharing your story ... I was really feeling down with some of the responses questioning if my post was a joke ( I bloody wish ) ... I have given the ultimatum to my DH and i will be following through should they both not get work or disrespect me or the house again . I'm really angry with myself for allowing things to get so out of control . But I also feel now that the ball is in my court to make changes and this is a positive step forward for me .

How did you get on reclaiming your daughters room?

Princess he sounds like a right t**r, I couldn't live with it!

Lunar ... yes I have told DH that she gets her own room . At the moment her step brother is not here - decided on Sunday to go off staying with his mates in London and has not returned since . When he does return he will be sharing with his older brother and my daughter will get the single room back .

Well done!! Hope you have already started to move his things out of your daughters room!!

Wdigin2this Oh you don't know the half of it. Luckily he only visits and not very often as he says he doesn't like me and im a bitch. This may be true but im only implementing the rules my DH imposed on myDS when he lived there.

Springtime1974 don't put yourself down as we all do the strangest things for love and to keep the peace. My mum did it for 25year with my dad allowing some strange behaviour . I was following suit until she pulled me up about it and brought my attention to it. Your a loving mum

I'm so sorry for you OP, and don't be too hard on yourself. As a stepparent I think if you want an integrated family very often you bend over backwards with the step DC.

I know I was having conversations with my DP where I was trying to make comfortable conditions for his DC that went over and above my considerations for DS in his permanent home. I've really tried hard to stop this and draw a line in the sand for my DS's needs.

Sadly your conversation sounds like the angst of a single parent with adult sons, your DH doesn't seem in the picture at all.

You gave leverage and security in your London flat. Give him a list of ultimatums and go enjoy some peace for a month.

And so their mother lives abroad...so what? Last time I heard an 18 and 22 year old are capable of getting on a plane aren't they?

OP, sorry you're struggling. You need to sort out in your own head what is acceptable and what isn't. I would say:

• no giving them money as they are clearly using it to buy drugs. Offer a pay as you go phone with (say) £20 per month top up, provide food in the house and bus fares to any job interviews.
• no drugs in the house. Ever.
• no random strangers turning up at your house
• DD needs her own room
• smoking only in garden (you might not like this one, but I think it is a compromise while you get the safety-related stuff sorted)

If they choose to not follow these (incredibly basic) rules then they have to be out. Cannabis is a horrible drug, which destroys motivation. Both of your step children need to keep clear of it.

Once these rules have been in place for a while (maybe a month or two) you can start looking at things which will further help the boys. You need to remember that these things are not just for the benefit of the younger children, but also for the benefit of the older ones.

Brilliant about the room, go get some paint and properly reclaim it for her.

So the spineless step mum has had enough . We are in a hotel until my daughter finishes school next week . Step son returned from London this evening when I was home alone and I just couldn't bear it anymore . Never said a word ... I just packed a few things and left with my 2 kids . I messaged my husband saying we are in a hotel and that I could not live in the house anymore . I have had zero sleep and no food so feeling a bit down .

Oh, Spring.... hugs and

You are NOT spineless. You are doing what is best for your children ans leaving was very brave. I don't think anyone here would question your decision. It's just such a shame it had to come to this.

Take a deep breath and just take each morning, afternoon and evening as it comes.

So your husband ignored your request for changes to be made or did the stepson just come in and change things back?

well done you. Hopefully they will all come to there senses and you can go back home. It will be hard for your DH to confront and change so be sympathetic to that and compromise on certain things but at least you have now taken a stand.