Wrong to think I should be able to go to Nursery Graduation?

[Kez437]

DSS is 4 years old and I have been with DP since he was 2. Due to his mother failing to tell DP he was the Father until she applied for Maintenance when he was 2, DP also missed out on these years
Fortunately since contact was established it has gone brilliantly. DSS mother however is lets just say not my number one fan. I think she had ideas of a happy family with DP (despite them being a one night only thing) and I ruined that.
I live with DP and his parents (starting to build our own house) and DSS is with us or with DPs parents at least 4 days per week. We were having between 2 and 3 overnights per week until Mother realised this would have an impact on Child Maintenance and cut it to 1 night only. We now leave DSS home at 7.00pm to collect him at 7.30am the following morning - ridiculous. DP has advised that he will not tell CSA and will sign a document to this effect but that the current routine isn't fair on DSS. She has refused. DP continued to ask for 6 months (he hates confrontation) she refused. DP went to Solicitor who wrote letter, she went mental but then ignored the letter. DP has now issue proceedings, Court date is 22nd June although we don't think she has been served with the proceedings yet .
Long and short is that in the last couple of months DSS mother really seems to not be coping. Before DSS started Nursery she wasn't working or studying either so it was all very relaxed. Now he has places to go and so does she it all seems to be falling apart. Teacher has told us that the days she takes him to Nursery he is upward of 30 minutes late and often misses a Monday (when she is also off work). Her house is apparently filthy, DSS has no clothes, DP had to buy new uniform despite her having a Uniform Grant, Maintenance, Benefits, Working Tax Credits, a wage and also no rent to pay. DP has gone as far as buying coal for the fire because he is worried about DSS. DSS is given nothing other than pizza and toast to eat.
There has been a 'Preparation for P1' class on for the last 4 weeks on a Tuesday evening for parents and carers. DP asked the teacher if I could go. I spend nearly as much time with DSS as he does. Teacher could not have been more than lovely and we have been going for the last 4 weeks and got to know some of the other Mums and it's been great.
It was his birthday last week, we organised a party with his school friends. Invited mother, maternal grandmother, aunt and uncle. Not one of them showed up and then at the party I was being told by other Mums that DSS hasn't been taken to their childrens parties. There was a Mum there who was a former friend and she told me that when she was friends with the mother she was so concerned as to DSS welfare that she came close to ringing Social Services and then DP came on the scene.
This made me so sad. DSS mother just appears to have totally given up. She puts on a good front to others but she really doesn't seem to be caring for him very well.
He is due to Graduate from Nursery soon and I really want to go. The invite is for parents and relatives and shortly after that there is an afternoon to meet his new teachers etc. His Mother doesn't even do his homework, she has no concern for his education. I really want to go, I will feel awful if I don't and DP and his family are insisting I go but I know she will hit the roof and I am worried about Court and about any impact on DSS.
Sorry for the essay but feel in desperate need of some advice
Also I am not slandering DSS mother, I have no doubt she loves DSS but I am worried about her level of care.

Did mum refuse to host it though? Theres nothing wrong with dad hosting it, although it reads like the op hosted it not dad and then bitched about mum to the other parents.

Thanks for that feedback, my dh's exw did refuse to host parties and it was a given that dh and I would host so I read it that way. Cheers

If the Mum is a bit skint/shy/run ragged the conciliatory, bridge-building thing to do would be to offer to pay and co-host for a party on neutral ground, split school events by agreement and support her parenting generally, NOT to try to replace her.

Being a single working parent isn’t easy. Add to this possibly emotional issues and it becomes a real challenge. However, not being the perfect mum doesn’t make you a bad one and not keeping a clean house, children dresses immaculately, not being able to attend all education event doesn’t make you half a bad mum compared to getting up at night to cuddle your child if they wake up with a nightmare, telling them that they are beautiful and adored and playing with them on the floor and having a great laugh. As long as they are not neglected, then the good things will outweigh the bad.

No offense, but you don’t what it is like to be single working mum, and even less one who has to constantly compete with an over-zealous SM. I expect her self-esteem is probably not the highest, she probably is trying her best to juggle her responsibilities, so having someone constantly on the look-out to point out your failures never recognising what you do well is only going to add to the stress. She seems to be trying to adapt to her new role as a working mum and finding it a bit hard, but who says that given a few more months, or even years, she will have figured it out and turn out to do an excellent job. Who says that when you become a mum yourself, you realise how much harder it is than you anticipated and how would you feel then if say your MIL was constantly looking at what you do wrong and using to tell your husband what a crap mum you are?

If you are truly genuine in wanting the best for your DS and not on a mission to show your OH that you have all the potential of being a fantastic mum and therefore worth settling and start a family with, then reconsider the way you do think about her. Don’t assume that your SS is not going to pick up on your feelings because trust me, as any SC will tell you, however much these might be hidden, you know very early on if your SM has a low opinion of your mum, and that’s the best way to get them to grow to resent you. If you want to build a good relationship with him, learn to respect his mum, which means accept that you will have to take a step back at times, keep your opinions to yourself, and stop using any of her failings as an opportunity to show yourself up. Let her be his mum (perfect or not) and concentrate on being an fantastic SM, which is knowing when it is right to be involved and why it isn’t. Most SM will tell you that it is very hard to be a good one because you are expected to give a lot and expect little back but it can be rewarding too.

Excellent post, swing.

OP, your DP and you found out he was a dad just as you got together. You work as a solicitor, is this part time by the way, and will fit in with school pick ups or will DP do those or what?

The ex, the birth mum, she wasn't working til recently, and lived on benefits, and applied for maintenance from DH two years ago, that being the first he knew of his child?

All that must have been a shock. In it 'together', you and DP sound like you have launched yourselves into making the best of it you can, although DP is more tentative than you are.

As dad, your DP might be being more gentle and actually more sensitive to the ex , seeing the picture more in the round, more realistically and empathetically than you. But he is involving the court now. It's a shame that things have come to that. Now you are his highly qualified, litigious girlfriend, have you encouraged him to use the court system? Was it your DPs idea to offer to keep maintenance the same even if he did more overnights, and to agree this outside of CsA? It's a shame he sent a solitor letter. They are upsetting to receive. They come from a place of the other being demanding, entitled, arrogant, and accusing. Maybe the mum thinks you are behind this?

This infant child is likely to have a very, very close bond with his mum, and vice versa.
"With Mum and with Dad" are the best places for an infant to be. As step mum, you need to support this.

I would advise that, even though you mean so well, and you do loads of childcare, that you learn from these mumsnet responses and you take a deep breath, suck it up, and see that your intrusion into mothering and devaluing the birth mother of this boy has been inappropriate.

There might well be an organisational, income and intelligence and earning potential difference in your households. You have grandparents helping i think - 4 adults in the home helping with the child when with you. The ex is a single working mum. It's hard for her. She needs more support and you being ever present in the new school will make her hate you.

You and DP are saving for a house. Now he is a dad DP needs to forgo more of his income to support his son's house. It's a good idea for you to see this in truth. It WILL impact your financial lives together. As your DP earns more, he should contribute more.

Your intentions are so caring, but the best care you can give is to be supportive of the parents cooperating in their childcare.

Looking at this from the outside, I think it would be charitable to drop the law case, eat humble pie, if there's an income imbalance then making a financial gift and also promising that the birth mother will see you two working at rebuilding trust and cooperation (and perhaps you will fund the 5th birthday in any way she wants, and that the step mother will stay outside of school mother friendships so the birth mum can establish herself there if she wants.)

I'm a step mum and mum. Our kids get a mix of educational support and birthday celebrations in each mums and dads houses, settled amicably between both parents. We uphold the other parent. The birth parents are primary carers, the step parents are supporters.

When my babes were little, starting school, I made really good mum friends and I have kept them, decades on.

The best outcome for you personally is not to WIN over this, it's if you can feel secure in knowing you have done your best. Your best for this child needs a rethink. The best in this case is that the birth parents share the parenting, perhaps you generously give a few more clothes and help the boy with learning the alphabet, you let his mum bond with the child's new school friends families and you retreat a bit, and be less in her face. Make it your policy to say nice things to others about the mum when asked.

Perhaps the root is that the birth mum would have liked a life with the dad. Unlikely tho...she didn't tell him she had his baby, for years. A dodgey mothering tactic on her part, but it is what it is.

Your DP will love you more if you are warmly supportive rather than an agitator. I know you want a good outcome, but fighting makes everyone sad. If you're strong, and a bit detached, the current fight hurts you less. But in the long run it often hurts the partnership with DP.

Of course it's fine to go to a nursery graduation.

But I think that there is a lot more going on - it sounds as if you are competing with the child's mother. It sounds as if you want to go to the graduation BECAUSE you care more for the child than she does.

I think that you need to take a HUGE step back.

A lot of the things listed about the Ex are not necessarily lack of care or neglect. But most of your post is filled with antagonism towards her.

If you and your DP do think that she is "OK" but struggling with parenting - then your DP should be working with her as much as possible for a short while, gently trying to find out more of what is going on, and looking after his son himself as much as possible.

If your DP is worried about neglect, then he should follow those up seriously, and be looking after his son himself as much as possible and then going for custody.

You do sound like you have put yourself in the middle of this, perhaps for good intentions, but it's not going to help the situation by just wading and putting the mum down with your DP. And I speak as someone who does have a spiteful ExW to deal with! So normally I would understand, it's just in this case there sounds like an awful lot of emotional investment on your part that is not going to help. If you want to help - get your DP to step up.

I think Biglettuce is right OP - whether you meant it to or not, you first post has come across as if 'you want to go to the graduation BECAUSE you care more for the child than she does.'

From a childless SM point of view, who has also been in SC's life for 2 years and who's SC would also be leaving nursery this year and I would not attend the graduation. SC has an end of year concert and although I may think in passing that I would like to go, I know that we are not there yet..

All things take time and it may take some more time then others to get used to circumstances. I dont know how I would feel if I knew another mother was 'filling in' when Im not there and lets face it, no matter how much of a step back an SM takes they still will take the role of 'mum' to some extent even if it is just that you make the picnic or plait the hair and to be honest I dont think I would like it.

All you can hope is that things will get better with SCs DM or that when SC is at an age where they can ask you to come yourself then you can go. Would it really upset you that much to miss your SC graduating from NURSERY?! Regardless of whether you spend as much time with the child as the DM you are not mum and those type of milestones are best left to mum and dad until mum feels comfortable with you being there or when SC asks you to attend. If the SC asks after the event where were you then you just say you had to go to work but you really wished you could have come.

Isn't the graduation for the child? How much would it mean to the child to have the people he loves and feels safe with at an event like this?

People need to suck it up and see the bigger picture. It's about being there for a child, NOT principles and who has more rights to be there.

Sorry but another one who thinks you need to step back and let the boys mum be his mum.

Also I might have misread but you said

Before DP and I were in a relationship we were great friends and at this stage she was lovely to me, then as soon as we started a relationship she instantly decided there was 'something about (me) she just didn't like'. I was bitterly disappointed at this as we had actually got along so well

Sorry to be picky but you say you were great friends with the mum before you got together with her ex and didn't understand why she suddenly disliked you after that. Really? Why do you think she suddenly disliked you, you haven't really treated her like a great friend have you.

Your statement also gives the impression the three of you (you , dp and ex ) have known each other a while because you said you knew her before you started dating your dp. Off topic but did it honestly never occur to you or your dp that around 9 months after they separated she had a baby because from the sounds of it the three of you were all still mutually connected at that point. If you were such great friends before you stated dating her ex.

It seems to me that your looking for the worst in her becsuse I'm guessing that from what you've written there's more of a back story to this dynamic

In the nicest possible way, until you are actually a mum you don't know how challenging it is. Let alone being a single parent.

You are coming across as self righteous and interfering. You don't actually have a 'formal' role in this child's life until you are married or have a child with the dad. Therefore it would be inappropriate for you to attend any formal educational events. He has enough relatives who can go.

I noticed you didn't answer the question about why your boyfriend hasn't taken any action if things are as bad as you say. A good parent would not be afraid of stepping in to protect their child if they were living in squalor and inappropriately fed. Can't help but think PPs are right in that you are picking and choosing which faults to be outraged by here.

You don't actually have a 'formal' role in this child's life until you are married or have a child with the dad

What do you think getting married or having a child changes, bamba?

These threads amaze me I'm fairly relaxed but certain events I do think SM should take a back seat especially in a newish relationship. My own DH didn't attend DS first day of school, both me and the ex did. As time has gone both partners have filtered in DS life naturally, we all recently went to DS holy communion, we both been with our DP 6 years.

Being a single mom is bloody hard emotional and finically. You lose the morale when you bash her to other mothers and take over hosting a full preschool party. Me and the ex host partys seperately. As the main carer I would invite DS friends. Did you think she couldn't afford a party but you put pressure on going all out hosting one at your house? Who enjoys going to kids party, I know I don't I afford them if I can unless a close friend of DS.

If my ex had genuine concerns of my ability to care for DS inadequate clothing,diet, unsafe sanitary environment I would expect him to keep DS and contact SS. Just as if I felt ex was not meeting DS needs I would do the same. As both parents we have a duty of care to safeguard the children.

Gosh, OP sounds like she cares about this boy and the mum sounds like she isn't coping and boy is suffering. Why is she getting a hard time? I'd be really worried about the boys welfare to be honest.

Sorry OP but it does sound like you are stamping all over SS's mother.
Don't go to the graduation, let mum and dad go or grandparents, don't gossip about mum's shortcomings to other parents behind mum's back and don't feign surprise when mum doesn't want to attend a party you are graciously putting on when you know darned well she won't accept.
I think taking a back seat and playing the long game allowing your OH and mum to crack on with the job of parenting may lead to a gradual thaw in relations. That can only be good for DSS surely?

Quite a lot actually Time! It shows a long term commitment. Whilst that may or may not work out is upto the couple. GFs of 2 years shouldn't start interfering in the education of the child. End of. She is not his mother or his step mother in fact. She has no PR for the child or actual experience and shouldn't be interfering.

It amazes me how many people come on to the step parent board and think because they are in a relationship with the father gives them automatic say over the parenting of their partners children.

Parents should ensure they are co-parenting effectively with the other parent rather than allowing a third party to start undermining that relationship.

I seem to be in the minority in this view and am happily old fashioned.

I have been a step mum for over a decade, many ups and downs but they have a mother and a father they don't need anymore. I expect them to be polite and understand the ground rules in our house. Apart from that it's not my business. If they were being neglected in my view I'd be getting my husband to tackle the issue not start undermining the mother's relationship with their child. I'd be furious if someone tried this with my own child.

I'd like to add I'm not commenting on the commitment of two people to each other who are not married or have kids. That's between the two adults. I'm saying that doesn't necessarily translate in to a right to have a say in the parenting of their partners child.

*don't have kids

It amazes me how many people come on to the step parent board and think because they are in a relationship with the father gives them automatic say over the parenting of their partners children

I don't believe that marrying a DCs father, or giving birth to a DCs half-sibling gives anyone an automatic say either.
There is no such thing as a legal stepmother - and the word should, IMO, only be used as a descriptor when the child chooses to. If that is before the adults are married, so be it, or as I in my case, not even after several years of marriage.

GFs of 2 years shouldn't start interfering in the education of the child
You may be interested to know that any adult, no matter whether they are related or not, acquires the automatic right to apply to Family Court for a Child Arrangement Order in relation to any child who they have lived with for 2 years or more. So, dads girlfriend of two years may have more rights than you think.

I would question living with probably implies full time as opposed to contact time. Especially when there are two active parents involved.

Also an application doesn't mean they will be successful. Grandparents can use the same system but are not necessarily successful.

From what I understand you actually have to have parental responsibility first before being able to apply for a child arrangement order.

And in order as a step-parent to be able to do it you would need to actualy live with the child. to gain PR you usually need the NR biological parent to consent, I also thought it was after three years of living with that child and you have to be married to the RP in order for the court to take it seriously and you also need the NRP to agree.

Even then the court might tell you to shove off.

Something we did look into but new we would need to wait as not married just yet and not quite at 3 years all living together as a family.

Unless there has been a law change in the past 18mts that's my understanding.

That's not the case kittens - I was incorrect and it's three years, but it's quite possible for any adult to apply for a CAO if they've lived with the child for that length on time:

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/professionals/child-arrangements-orders.aspx

i meant to come back on here :) also noticed I missed some questions marks :) as was more asking than making statements!

I saw another similar post and have done some googling based on that and it's been really eye-opening!

So we're going to investigate further, I mentioned on the other post, DC live with us, their mother is around maybe 8 hours a year and very toxic, and unreliable to say the least.

DP has a lot of concerns that if something happened to him, then they would be uprooted which would be awful for them and me. I can't imagine loosing your dad and then loosing the other consistent adult in your life and then being made to live with a person you hardly know (mother left when they were very tiny) gosh it really does unsettle me greatly as God forbid that ever happened it would not be in their best interests at all.

I would add this link to my internet folder :) and will start to review again! Thank you so much!!

Now I'm off Pokemon hunting for a bit sure i recognise your name from that thread if not I've just made a complete tit out of myself