Wrong to think I should be able to go to Nursery Graduation?

[Kez437]

DSS is 4 years old and I have been with DP since he was 2. Due to his mother failing to tell DP he was the Father until she applied for Maintenance when he was 2, DP also missed out on these years
Fortunately since contact was established it has gone brilliantly. DSS mother however is lets just say not my number one fan. I think she had ideas of a happy family with DP (despite them being a one night only thing) and I ruined that.
I live with DP and his parents (starting to build our own house) and DSS is with us or with DPs parents at least 4 days per week. We were having between 2 and 3 overnights per week until Mother realised this would have an impact on Child Maintenance and cut it to 1 night only. We now leave DSS home at 7.00pm to collect him at 7.30am the following morning - ridiculous. DP has advised that he will not tell CSA and will sign a document to this effect but that the current routine isn't fair on DSS. She has refused. DP continued to ask for 6 months (he hates confrontation) she refused. DP went to Solicitor who wrote letter, she went mental but then ignored the letter. DP has now issue proceedings, Court date is 22nd June although we don't think she has been served with the proceedings yet .
Long and short is that in the last couple of months DSS mother really seems to not be coping. Before DSS started Nursery she wasn't working or studying either so it was all very relaxed. Now he has places to go and so does she it all seems to be falling apart. Teacher has told us that the days she takes him to Nursery he is upward of 30 minutes late and often misses a Monday (when she is also off work). Her house is apparently filthy, DSS has no clothes, DP had to buy new uniform despite her having a Uniform Grant, Maintenance, Benefits, Working Tax Credits, a wage and also no rent to pay. DP has gone as far as buying coal for the fire because he is worried about DSS. DSS is given nothing other than pizza and toast to eat.
There has been a 'Preparation for P1' class on for the last 4 weeks on a Tuesday evening for parents and carers. DP asked the teacher if I could go. I spend nearly as much time with DSS as he does. Teacher could not have been more than lovely and we have been going for the last 4 weeks and got to know some of the other Mums and it's been great.
It was his birthday last week, we organised a party with his school friends. Invited mother, maternal grandmother, aunt and uncle. Not one of them showed up and then at the party I was being told by other Mums that DSS hasn't been taken to their childrens parties. There was a Mum there who was a former friend and she told me that when she was friends with the mother she was so concerned as to DSS welfare that she came close to ringing Social Services and then DP came on the scene.
This made me so sad. DSS mother just appears to have totally given up. She puts on a good front to others but she really doesn't seem to be caring for him very well.
He is due to Graduate from Nursery soon and I really want to go. The invite is for parents and relatives and shortly after that there is an afternoon to meet his new teachers etc. His Mother doesn't even do his homework, she has no concern for his education. I really want to go, I will feel awful if I don't and DP and his family are insisting I go but I know she will hit the roof and I am worried about Court and about any impact on DSS.
Sorry for the essay but feel in desperate need of some advice
Also I am not slandering DSS mother, I have no doubt she loves DSS but I am worried about her level of care.

You sound incredibly like the nutty partner of my exh, who eventually ended up telling me that she thought she was just as much DS's mother as I was.

It all started like this. She was just a nosy snob, who ended up causing untold amounts of financial and emotional cost to exh and me.

If you really care about this child, back off and respect their mother.

You do sound like you're trying to oust her, and she probably feels that, hence why she is being hostile to you.

I too feel a bit when a relatively new partner of a NRP comes on here and tells us all how awful a parent the ex is, and strangely it's always a one night stand that the child was conceived by...

My DP's nephew spends a lot of time with us (including overnights) and is also 4.

If you ask him what he had for lunch he says basange (lasagne). Breakfast? Basange. What did you have yesterday? Basange. (it's not true, he has lasagne once a week. He just likes it and wants it, or its just an easy answer).

Not at all lady; I've never had a step- parent; my DC have never had a SM but I have been a SM and OP's rhino-on-the-rampage, boundary-trampling approach is NOT the way to go about it. Recipe for disaster. Totally

Look this is clearly not going anywhere. I am prepared to accept advice and I am prepared to accept criticism also, Janefromdowntheroad made some good points as did others. I do however know this woman, I know the situation we are in and I also know the family court arena very well. A description of the circumstances has led people to think I'm a self righteous prick devoid of emotional intelligence and a stringent defence of the mother. I'm not perfect by a long stretch but I'm not prepared to remain here being told I will 'despise' my step son when I 'pop' out a child of my own when all I asked for was some advice. Thank you to those however who gave me something to work on

No chip on shoulder here. Just read a lot of this type of thread. The op has only posted to get the "oh you sound lovely what a shit mum she is you would be so much better go to the event hun" type replies.

just5 well sorry for suggesting that but speaking from a step child perspective it doesn't always end in disaster.

vagine being one of the kids with the shit mum I'm speaking from experience and I also know going through the courts doesn't always work

My exh partner is even a lawyer too. And I've heard all the same stuff.

In truth, she and you just want to play 'best mum'. A very dangerous game.

Lady it is not Op's suggestion that she goes to the nursery graduation that is the problem, it's almost everything else; slagging off every aspect of mum's parenting, believing a four year old's account of what he eats, thinking that because she spends "as much time with him as his mum does" that she is an equally appropriate person to take mum's role with school and parties. Just wrong wrong wrong.

Nursery 'graduation'? Who knew such things even existed?

Meeting new teachers isn't something for you to be involved in and I say that as a step parent myself. Leave it to his father and his XW if she chooses to attend.

lady, your experience is your experience. It doesn't make any difference to anything related to the op apart from the fact you might be just a tad more biased than the people you've accused of having chips. If this kid wasn't being fed or clothed etc etc, the dad should have done something way before now. Either he didn't because he's shit or he didn't because it's not quite an accurate picture op has painted.

I honestly think you need to take a step back Op, your step son is still very young and you're only 2 years into a relationship with his father. You may have years of maintaining a relationship with his mum and I think you need to respect her obvious wish for boundaries.

Continue to be kind and warm and see how things go, although I'm sure things will get more hostile once court comes into it.

You need to take a back seat and allow dp to deal with this and not be the driving force behind him. It sounds like they're on decent terms, was mediation attempted??

She is probably feeling alone and anxious and the whole situation could do without a third party turning up at nursery.

Id be wary of any nursery giving information out about a single parent to the other one too- not very professional at all

She's merely venting on a website she hasn't taken an ad in the local paper saying such and such mums a dick. I think the slagging off is an irrelevant point but as far as a 4yo is concerned that has never had the mum and dad altogether experience then yeah he probably sees her like a 2nd mum and in that situation you need to suck up and get a long for the kid cause it's only him that will get hurt in the end.

She's merely venting on a website she hasn't taken an ad in the local paper saying such and such mums a dick

No; she's discussing the mum's alleged shortcomings with other local mums (and the nursery!!). Awful behaviour.

She said they had told her such things at no point did she say she'd commented in fact she said she's only every discussed it with her dp

Before DSS started Nursery she wasn't working or studying either so it was all very relaxed. Now he has places to go and so does she it all seems to be falling apart. Teacher has told us that the days she takes him to Nursery he is upward of 30 minutes late and often misses a Monday (when she is also off work).

If I was Mum in that scenario I'd be very pissed off with the nursery for getting involved in this tale-telling.

I'm a bit bemused that OP seems to think preschool is compulsory education and at her idea of 'it all falling apart' too.

What in god's name is actually wrong with dropping a child off at preschool 15 or 20 minutes after the session starts or keeping them off for a day to potter with them?

If mum is going then no you shouldn't go. Why don't you ask her whether she minds you going? Rather than just turning up and finding yourself very unwelcome because he's not your child.

What in god's name is actually wrong with dropping a child off at preschool 15 or 20 minutes after the session starts or keeping them off for a day to potter with them? hmm

Nothing at all. I used to treat it as a convenience to me. If we fancied a lie in then i dropped dd off when we were ready. I figured that was fine seeing as I was paying for it anyway. Nursery isn't compulsory, I didn't bother to send ds at all.

She probably wants to grab the odd precious stolen day with him before school starts.

Much is being made of the birthday party...
Genuine question: if a child's mum refuses to throw them a birthday party, is it then expected that the child goes without birthday parties even though his dad is willing host one?

Not looking for flaming or aggression, I am genuinely asking what people think.

We don't know that Mum 'refused' to hold a party for her son, do we?