Mediation failed

[Rosewine72]

We have had quite a few problems with partners ex wife, she is quite unstable and as a result my partner is the main carer, she drops days she supposed to be having them then suddenly will start to demand they live with her, anyway since I have been living with my partner with my 2 children and hers she has become nasty, abusive and appears to be very jealous. She's attempted to get between me and dp and she also is trying to bad mouth me to her dds which has in all fairness damaged my relationship with them, which saddens me 😞.

My dp has been trying to get his ex to mediation to discuss all this and try to get consistency for his dds , eventually she turned up to mediation but she exploded called my dp a fucking test, a bully etc etc and me a fucking bitch 😳 Even though I really have done nothing apart from tell her to leave me alone. Obviously her calling me names is not nice but I have started to laugh it off really , however what does get to me is her telling her dds lies about me , bad mouthing me to her and if course they believe her, she is their mum after all . This has effected my relationship with them particularly his 12 year old who is particularly difficult at the moment. I know I can't control what the mother says to them, but I don't know how to handle it as I can't say anything nasty about their mum. I do feel sorry for his dds being in the middle of this and my 2 have to witness a lot but how to I improve my relationship with them again they are 10 and 12?what would u do?

Twat not test ^

Sorry you're having such a hard time, it sounds very difficult.

Is there an official arrangement in place for where the DC live, that your DP is the RP and their DM has specific days when they're (meant to be) with her? Does she have a partner?

I'm not sure from your post if mediation was intended to resolve contact issues or what she's been saying about you and DP - though that's obviously unhelpful as well.

Where do the DC want to live? If they're settled with you and DP are they happy going to have contact with her? Maybe some of their extra difficulties/behaviour at the moment are down to feeling rejected by her if she often cancels plans and they feel safe lashing out at you. Which doesn't make it easier for you to hear it!

Can you let your DP do all the liaising with her on contact and keep communication strictly about the DC? There's no reason for you and she to have any contact, especially if she's unpleasant about/to you. Just leave your DP to it and block her number if she's contacting you directly.

It's hard if she's bad mouthing you to the DC but all I think you can do is react as little as possible, ask DP to tackle any outright lies, and keep your replies where necessary to "well, it's a shame DM feels that way but not everyone can be friends", "really? how would she know that? (change subject)", "well, you know there are always two sides to every story and everyone's entitled to their view" or something non-committal. Then go and punch a pillow till you feel better.

If you're hearing about her insults and lies via your DP just tell him nothing good can come of it and you'd rather he didn't tell you. If you weren't in the mediation session he must have told you what she said. So she got to hurt you even though you weren't there. It's better to not have to hear it. You're clearly not a twat so just try and feel sorry for her that she feels the need to be so childish and unpleasant...

All the drama sounds exhausting and you need to protect yourself and your own DC as much as possible. Let your DP handle her, preferably by reducing contact to contact arrangements by email, and try to rise above anything the DCs pass on from her.

I feel for you and hope it gets better over time

Thank u Anne , well I don't have anything to do with her really but unfortunately my son goes to the same school as my son so I see her there sometimes which is were she has mainly caused trouble , other things have been through texts and the dcs. My dp and her have always had 50/50 contact , which worked sometimes but slowly that started to go to just every other weekend with their dm and one night in the week. Then their dm split up with her dp and decided she wanted them full time and to move schools etc my dp wasn't going to accept that, so that's how it all started really . They have a mutual agreement which is stamped by a court but it means nothing really so dp is getting a court order hence the mediation but it was a battle so through the courts it is. Dp just wants consistency really and when she decides she wants them full time she gets nasty and just takes them. I guess all I can do is stay low key maybe let do do any disiplining and just be caring and normal?

I'm not sure there is a huge amount you can do about the ExW badmouthing you. Never bad mouth her, grow a tough skin, and protect your relationship. Is your DP aware that she affects how his kids feel about you? If the kids see their Dad as sticking by you, and insisting on respect for you in your house, then this will help a little.

Perhaps the one thing you could do is get a bit more consistency and regular contact times, the ExW is totally controlling these.

She sounds awful tbh.