Help! "childless" step parent, now a step granny!!!

[stressedoutSM]

Hi I'm new on here and I'm hoping you lovely people can offer some advice or just a good old fashion boot up the backside!!
I have a 20 year old SD (I'm in my early 30's and hubby in his early 40's) she came to live with us when she was 15 after a situation with her mum (far too long a story for just now!) and I was only just coping with that. (I don't have children myself) then last year she told us she was pregnant, I felt my world has caved in on me I have fertility issues and was so upset I felt that the first baby living in our house should be mine (selfish I know) anyway she moved out and in with "the boyfriend" she had the baby in April and since then has been staying with us 3 nights week. I'm just stuggling to cope in the space of 4 years i've became a step mum to a teenager and now a step granny, I'm too young for this!!!! I love them dearly but I'm just struggling to cope with it all.
sorry for the essay!!!!

Why has she been staying at yours if she's living with boyfriend? I understand it's all a lot too soon, does your dh know how your feeling?

long story! she moved in with the boyfriend and his mum however she has now turned around and said SD and baby can only stay there over the weekends, so shes back at ours till they sort out a flat to stay in (hopefully soon!) yeah I have spoken to DH about it but I just don't think he totally gets how I feel since he has had children of his own and although he says the right things at the time there are certain situations that have arisen that make me sad such as shopping for baby stuff to have at our house, ive never done that before and it make me sad that its not for my own baby. clearly the green eyed monster is out well and truly but I just don't know what to do

How is SD As a mum? I understand completely you will feel like that, is SD actively trying to find somewhere else to live?

shes ok as a mum although typical teenager/young person and would rather be on her phone and social media rather than sometimes interact with baby (I feel I'm quite old fashioned with my views about things where as a lot of her friends have babies and she hangs around with a bad crowd (attitude wise more than anything) however I feel I cant really say anything to her coz what do I know!
yeah they have a few flat viewings coming up soon so hopefully at least one of them will be for them.

I completely understand, I was in a similar situation, but thankfully they got a flat. DSD was 20 and got pregnant, but really dragged their feet about finding a flat, neither were working. She lived with me and DH. At the time, me and DH were actively trying for a child, and the whole situation felt like a huge shock. I would not have been able to handle it if they hadn't found a flat. Imagine, we'd both be bringing up babies possibly in the one house!

And I did get pregnant soon after. DSD was very weird about it, I think for her it was all about her and the baby, would try to get us to babysit a lot when we had a much younger step child too to look after. But like you, I think the feeling of all the attention that a new baby brings when you are actively trying but having fertility issues is just too much.

No wonder you are having a hard time. I'd be finding flats for them myself, they've made a big adult decision and now both of them have to take that step and be adults. Keep the pressure up and also put down some ground rules when the baby is here. It's tough but I found with my DSD she'd not put any thought into the consequences, and being easy on her would have resulted in her just being more and more lazy about growing up. My DSD went back and forth to her Mums too, basically took the easy option and put off being responsible for herself. She's 20, not 16, it is reasonable to expect that she does not live with her parents now that she's had a child. If you want to support her, I'd put the energy into supporting her to become independent.

Eventually my DSD did learn to grow up, and she has started to take control over her own life and been a better parent for it. And I'm glad we didn't just let her stay with us as it would have completely broke us, DH would be alone, and it would have just delayed the inevitable for the DSD.

My DH did have a bit of shock and wondered whether it was a good idea, having another baby as a grandfather. Which was understandable. But don't let it hold you back from living your life. That your DSD has had a baby at 20 is her choice, so if the choice for you and your DP was to try for a baby then stick with that.