Is it ever going to get easier?

[TheDecorator]

Long story short, DP and I got together after he left his wife but she blames me for split. She is very bitter and unpleasant. DP has daughter who is now 15, we have been together about 2 years. We now have 7 month old DD and his daughter initially said she was happy with baby. Then changed her name so it wasn't the same as baby, wrrote letters saying I had never made any effort with her and that she hated me and baby and wished DD had never been born. She has seen her once so far. I have always done my absolute best to get on with her. Regularly changing plans to accomadate her flaking out on her dads visits etc... DP an I now row nearly every time he goes to see her and I feel out of control. Today he went off for a days surfing leaving me at home carless with a baby who has had a temp for 36 hours. He can't see that I couldn't ask him to stay home precisely because it was his DD day. This rant barely tells the story but its like a gaping wound and every time it just gets worse. I think I feel SO bitter because I don't think I could have been more understanding and she is - actually I can't put on screen how I feel about her right now.

She is a child who needs her dad as much as your dd, yes it will get better, she will grow up and realise that things aren't always as her mum has told her.

It sounds like she could be jealous of the baby. Have things changed for her since the baby's arrival? Did you and she get on OK before your dd came along?

Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DH has two daughters from a previous relationship - he and I didn't meet until several years after the split and his ex is now married with two more children, so thankfully we haven't had that issue to deal with. We were under the impression that all was well with both daughters regarding our new DS. Recently, however, we learned that the 15 year old is seriously worried that DH is going to love our DS more than he loves her. This has been made worse by the fact that DS is now nearly 6 months and we're only now able to get down to see her - they live about 300 miles away. Lots and lots of reassurances have been needed from DH and I think the message is getting through - hopefully things will be fine when we do see her.

TBH I don't think that "absent parents" (god I hate that term) can ever win when it comes to children that no longer live with them. Remember also that this is a difficult age, with hormones racing around and teenage anxt etc. This tends to get projected onto the absent parent I think.

I don't really know what to advise really, other than trying your best to understand where she's coming from (very difficult I know). Clearly your situation isn't helped by your DH's ex wife - she really should know better. I really do hope you can resolve this one but don't beat yourself up about it - I'm sure you're doing the very best you can. And try not to let it come between you and your DP. It sounds like he needs to have a really good heart to heart with his DD. Your first priority is your own DD.

That should be angst

Thanks for the advice. Nothing I didn't know I suppose. It's just that I have been there. My dad died when I was 10 my mm remarried and had a son when I was 13 so I do completely understand, except that I had to live it 24/7 and babysit etc. The ex wife has a serious health condition and could very possibly die in the near to middle future. What mother turns her daughter from her dad (never mind me) when there is no other family and she may die soon? Totally fed up with it all and can't see any end to it except a shitty end for me and DP.

TD... I know exactly what you are going through... dp and his ex wife split up 10 years ago, dd now 15 and ds13, we recently told them that we were expecting our first baby together, since then she has refused to speak to dp, called him every name under the sun, and come out with things such as "you didnt love us enough to stay so why do you want another one" and also kicked off because we didnt tell her until 3 months. I am hoping that the situation resolves itself, but at 6 months pregnant it doesnt look good..

I wish, probably as you do that she would grow up, and see things for the way that they are as opposed to what she has been told by her mum.. still I remember being 15 very well, and dont think I was an awful lot better than her... hopefully in the not so distant future she will mature and realise that she has an extended family, and a half sister that love her very much and that it really isnt your fault!!

On a completely different note, it is against the law for her to change her name officially until she is 18?

hmm... thought I'd posted an answer but it hasn't shown up. No it's not against the law if the dad says yes, and he did (don't ask me why, i have no idea).
We have had a long talk this evening and have agreed that his DD wil come over and we will see how it all goes. I am fed up being left out when I have tried and tried to include this child. I don't want my 'own' time when DP has baby to make up for when he is of with DD. I want us to be a family. Fingers crossed it willget better.