Advice on dsd staying following sibling's birth

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Dsd is 16 and absolutely wonderful. She lives with her mum but we see her every weekend and she's great with her little brother. We're very close and have always encouraged her to be part of the family. She can't remember a time when dh and I weren't together so there have never been any issues or problems between us.

We've never made the distinction between full/ half siblings between her and ds (5) and always wanted her to feel fully involved. So for example she was the first one I told I was pregnant on both occasions. She came to see her new baby brother the day I came out of hospital for a couple of hours etc. and we've been very careful to ensure she knows she's part of the family.

She has stated that when my second arrives in November she wants to come and stay to help out with ds so he doesn't feel left out etc. She's very excited and her intentions are so good and genuine. I love her to bits for it.

However, I know how I'll feel for a day or two following birth - exhausted, emotional, sore etc. I would fully want and expect her to come and meet her new sibling immediately for a few hours and will definitely encourage it. But it sounds like she wants to be around much more than that in the early days, stopping over etc. and I can't work out how I should approach it. The last thing I want to do is make her feel she's not part of it. However, she doesn't live with us and rarely stays the night any more (her social life is too hectic!) and I am aware that those first days are about finding a routine and trying to settle into normality with all those who live in the household and will be effected on a day to day basis by the change.

I'm someone who likes a bit of quietness to recharge my batteries even in normal situations. I often take myself off for half an hour when we have a house full so I can hear myself think. I love people but need alone time too.

I think I literally just wanted a couple of days to get over the birth, feel a bit more normal and begin to find a routine with feeding etc before she comes to stay for a while but I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable. I have no problem with her meeting her sibling for a couple of hours the day I come out of hospital and I know that dh will be great in terms of getting on and doing things around the house etc. I'm not worried about having to cook, clean etc but it would be a disruption to our normal living arrangements at a time when the family dynamics are changing again and we need to find a new 'normal'.

I mentioned my reservations to dh last night and he understood in one way, but quite rightly was disappointed and also wants her involved and would feel we're excluding her so is uncomfortable asking her for a little space. I feel like a complete bitch for feeling this way and just can't decide whether I need to suck it up, get on with it and tell her she can stay for as long as she likes or whether it's natural to feel like this. I want to see my parents too, but wouldn't want them staying for days. I really don't want to ruin the relationship we have with her so am erring toward telling her she can stay and just dealing with it however I can. It doesn't help that it'll be winter and our choices for getting out and about will be limited so we'll all be tripping over each other in the house.

Has anyone else been in the same situation? What did you do? Any advice? Could do without flaming though please, I feel bad enough as it is. I'm looking for advice rather than being told I'm being hypocritical or unfair.

I'm a stepmum, been a step child and have my own children, so whilst I cannot say my view is the right one I have a view on this from many different perspectives.

It's a tricky situation that's for sure, which is why I think there isn't a one size fits all solution for this. Different families have different dynamics which is why they have to navigate them the best way they can. Whilst some people will feel the need for space after giving birth, others will be happy to have people around them.

I agree the DSD is very important but I just don't think the OPs views should be dismissed either. To make a family work everyone has to be important.

Part of a 'healthy' step family is step children and their step parents being able to understand each other's point of view and coming to compromises. There are times that are potentially much more stressful or delicate for a particular person, e.g. Exam time for kids, just having given birth for a mother, losing a job for a parent.

At those times it is really important that the person who is the centre of these potentially very vulnerable/emotional times be given some leeway.

The step daughter is not giving birth, not having to contend with whatever happens. Some people give birth and just love having people there, are absolutely fine and filled with joy. Others could have complications, or have the baby blues and just be irrationally grumpy and down, others have difficulty feeding. So it is the mother that does need to be given priority at this time.

If the step daughter had broken up with a boyfriend, and just wanted to spend the day with her Dad and not her step mum, I would hope her step mum would also understand and not say that she is excluded. If the step daughter had a child herself in the future, and only wanted her mother to stay, I'm sure her Dad would understand.

In my own case my son was a sweetie, even though I had a teenage DSD who stayed. It was a nightmare tbh, she of course, had no idea of the sleepless nights or difficulties, why would she, she's not the one going through it. She had totally unrealistic expectations, bossed me around, I was trying to breast feed and she made it very awkward, played her music loud just when I had the baby to sleep, but of course didn't listen to me while I tried to explain because 'I was not her mother'. It probably set back her bonding and me bonding with her for a long time!

By getting into routine I mean getting towards some new normality. Dsd doesn't live with us so the situation is not normal, it's not at all like having ds here who we're used to doing the same kind of thing with every day. Just stuff like talking openly about how I feel mentally and physically, walking around naked or whatever, that however much I love her I wouldn't be comfortable doing. I thought I'd thought of a way forward, a compromise that takes into account everyone's feelings and needs, but apparently not. I've always, always thought of others first - literally everyone - and put my own wants and needs aside. I do understand what others are saying (the step children who have felt on the outside), I'm not naive, thoughtless and selfish. I can't help the way I feel though. Maybe I'll just leave everyone to it and go and live on an island for a week!

You have found a compromise, and that is fine. Stick with it. If you have a good relationship with your DSD and she is a teenager then I would say talk with her yourself, just have a good chat. If you just say everything that you said in your first post, just that you find the first few days difficult, but don't want her to feel rejected, tell her it all. It will help your relationship with your step daughter even more if you can build it on some honesty.

If you pretend it's fine and go ahead then it really will not help the dynamics. It is how small resentments can creep in. I would even say that it will help your DSD see that sometimes it is difficult being a woman, negotiating relationships but that it can work out OK. Listen to what your DSD says, and then reassure her on anything, maybe you'll come out with a new compromise by listening to her, but the process of doing it will help you both.

I have been reading this thread with interest.

Littlelions, I was in this same situation.

DSS (a wonderful, helpful boy, very thoughtful, we get on great and always have), came to stay after I had DS1.

He stays with us EOW, but we have never had him for longer than that, neither had DH prior to meeting me. He loves his mum and has never been keen to spend too long away from her.

However, DH decided that he should come and stay to 'bond with his
New sibling'. This meant us having him for the first week I was out of hospital.

I had a horrific labour culminating in an EMC. Lost a lot of blood, lots of pain, complications with various 'downstairs' lady parts. Not the best time to have an extra person in
The house.

Looking back, it makes me so angry and upset that I didn't put my foot down. I spent that week crying in agony, hiding in the toilet and feeling horribly alone and embarrassed.

To make matters worse, the PILS came over to 'help' as it was obvious I 'couldn't cope with two children'.

I suffered with slight PND/anxiety and severe insomnia for months after the birth, and I don't think this initial stressful situation helped at all.

I have learnt from this. Never again will I put myself in such a needlessly exhausting situation.

DSS would have been much happier staying a short while once I had recovered. He was worried about me and I felt terrible having him see me like that.

Yes DH helped out but men don't understand the complexities and emotional upheaval that come with having a baby. All he was thinking of was how nice it would be for him, DSS and the baby to bond.

Mums rarely get given as much thought. We don't help ourselves by not speaking up.

If you need time to re-coup, that's the end of the story. As a mother and a SM, you will spend the rest of your life bending over backwards to help other people. This is one of the few situations whereby have to take care of yourself.

Suspicious I am so sorry you went through that. And sorry for your DSS too. I wish I'd also stuck up for myself also EMC, and it also makes me feel upset to this day what I went through in the early weeks. And that is why I tried to stick up for the OP so strongly.

Surely the first few days should be all about the mother and baby? Not sure why the needs of anyone else - albeit DSD, in-laws etc should be considered more important than the OP's? DSD has got years ahead of her to bond with the new arrival, will it really do any harm if the OP has some peace for the first few days?

The world doesn't always have to revolve around step children!

Ok, I, sort of, understand some of your reasons for not wanting her around but not being able to 'walk around naked' is NOT one of them.

I'd be bleeding and dribbling milk if I wandered around in the nud just after having a baby.

Petal02 is absolutely right. I would have felt even worse than I did after ds was born if my two dsc had stayed at first. They visited during the days but that was all. And I love my dsc dearly but it would have been no fun for anyone!

Surely if one is bleeding or having stomach issues or "lady parts" issues or otherwise physically traumatised from the birth one is not wandering around the house doing so - surely one tends to those issues in private regardless of who else is under the roof?

Or do people now change sanitary products in the living room and kitchen, or wander around with legs akimbo, taking enemas and dressing wounds outside of the privacy of their bathroom, and I am just behind the times?

I would have thought a sensible loving big sister to play with and look after your 5 year old would be utterly invaluable in the first few days after having a baby......

Lea after my c section I loved walking around with little on. Clothes rubbed my scar and hurt, Even light silky things, so I can understand only wanting your Dh/Dp and bio children around. I don't think my 16yo dsc would have been too chuffed seeing all my bits hanging about as nature intended!
So I do understand this logic.

It's a turn of phrase to express that we don't behave exactly the same with dsd around. I'm not a naturist. But at the same time if I want to have skin to skin on the sofa in the evening in nothing but my knickers or not have to hide in the bathroom to get dressed after a bath etc etc then that's what I want to do. I don't know why this has descended into a discussion about changing sanitary products.

Tbh it's still a long way off as a pp has said. I don't know how easy or difficult the birth will be or how I'll be feeling afterwards so I'll wait until then to deal with it. No harm speaking honestly and kindly to dsd in the meantime as bananas and others have suggested (thanks all for your advice, a bit to think about when the time comes).

OP I think you sound lovely and caring and I usually side with stepmother on a ratio of 1:10 so I do genuinely mean that.

Your SDS sounds lovely and mature. I would say 'oh DD we'd love you here just be aware I'm not really going to be myself, after DS was born I was very tired, sore and just wanted to be alone for a few days. You're more than welcome to stay but just be aware it will be a bit chaotic'. Hopefully she will get the picture. If not I would stand aside and let her stay I think. I don't think you can openly ask her not too.

LittleLion I was just about to suggest, maybe best to wait and see how you feel - rather than giving a pre-emptive "I don't want you to stay" which is quite negative, it's more understandable if things haven't gone well and you're not feeling great. But, fingers crossed for you, that you have a quick and easy labour at a civilised time of day and feel right as rain afterwards but if you don't, and your DSD comes round for a visit and sees that you're not in a good way, she may either want to stay and help, or want to leave and give you some space. (I'm basing that on the fact you've had a good relationship up to now) - if the former, you might not find it as hard having her round as you think. I hope it works out ok for you all.

Petal02 personally I don't think that 'the world revolves around the needs of stepchildren' but I do think that the parents and step-parents are adults, who've made the choice to be in a step-family situation; and the children are children (obviously!) who haven't chosen this but had to deal with it, and are more emotionally vulnerable, even as teenagers. It's not fair to compare them to visiting PILs (even if it feels the same to the step-parent) - it's their home too, and their parent, and unless they've behaved really badly I don't think the step children should be asked not to visit / not to stay over. Imagine if your DP was having an operation that would be a bit grim to recover from for a few days (I know that doesn't compare to labour, but til men can give birth...!) and he asked you to tell your kids that they couldn't stay over? To me that just would not feel right, I wouldn't do it, I would take complete responsibility for them, warn them that he would need peace and quiet and might be wandering round half naked, warn them that they'd need to pitch in more than usual with cooking and cleaning etc, but I can't imagine telling them they couldn't visit if they wanted to.

I'm not flaming you, you sound like a great SM. But I would suggest letting her stay, but explain there'll be times when you want to just take baby to your room to be quiet and on your own....she can entertain your other child for you, that would be very helpful!

I certainly feel for you lion. It's so nice of your DSD to want to be involved, but I do agree that the first few days may not be the best time for you. I am pregnant with my first and I have two SS (much younger than your SD) who stay every weekend and the thought of trying to settle a new baby in whilst juggling the boys fills me with terror. And i'm used to them being here all the time! I don't know what childbirth and having a newborn is like, but I imagine the first few days as being a time to recoup and get my bearings, having a new permanent member of the household!

My OH does not understand this POV though and is adamant that the arrival of the baby will not impact the boys' visitation schedule. So I can see massive arguments in our future when they wake the baby up at 6am after a nightmare night, yelling at each other and arguing over who's in charge of the game they are playing and who has stolen Iron Man's hair!

I don't at all think it's unreasonable for you to ask for a couple of days to settle in, probably because i've asked for exactly the same from my OH. SD or DD, if we have a second i'll certainly be asking my DM to have this baby for a couple of days, so I don't anticipate a difference in treatment between my DC and my DSC - regardless of which child belongs to whom, you still need time to get over a major thing and you have every right to be able to decide how you go about that.

Maybe just see how it goes, your SD is old enough and you seem to have a good enough relationship to be able to speak openly with her - you could tell her that the offer of helping out will absolutely be taken up and you'd love her to be there, but explain you have no idea what kind of birth you'll have or how you'll feel after, so say something like 'would it be ok if we organise the days you want to stay over once baby is here?'

You could also add that you don't want the possibility of letting her down if you arrange it now, because if there are complications you might have to rejig the schedule? At least then she knows that once the baby is born, you do want her help and want her around but that she should aim to start thinking about when she's going to stay once you give birth?

Might just give you that first 48 hours to get all the visiting and obligatory stuff out of the way without hurting anyones feelings!

I would be delighted OP, your DSD has made it clear that she wants to help with your DS, which is great. I would be planning long days in bed with the newborn whilst DSD sees to DS. Win-win!

You sound lovely and that you genuinely really like her, but on the one hand you say you want to make her feel part of the family, but telling her to back off for a few days will tell her the opposite.

Your stepdaughter has shown herself to be a lovely child, helpful and considerate and you've nurtured a wonderful relationship with her. I've been a new mum so I know a little bit about after birth recovery but, for the reasons above, I would fully put myself in DSD's shoes, think how I would feel in each possible scenario, think how to include her and then make it happen. You're more likely to regret hurting her feelings and harming your relationship in the long term than you are to regret having less 'me' time than you would have liked albeit at a delicate time. She's a sweet child, you clearly love her so do right by both of you and just roll with it when the time comes. I don't think you'll regret it. Enjoy your new baby when he/she comes, how exciting!

I think the idea of 'doing right' is relative to how the OP feels about it. She might regret hurt feelings but equally she might resent being overwhelmed during a sensitive time. We've all had babies and I would bet that everyone has had their own unique birthing experience, there's no one size fits all solution here.

That's why the OP must decide what she wants. Her feelings are just as valid as everyone else's.

That’s why the OP must decide what she wants. Her feelings are just as valid as everyone else’s

True. But I’d go one step further and say that for the first few days after the birth, maybe the OP’s feelings are MORE valid than everyone else’s. There will always be times in family life when someone has a situation that, just temporarily, means they need some “special attention” for a few days.