Advice on dsd staying following sibling's birth

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Dsd is 16 and absolutely wonderful. She lives with her mum but we see her every weekend and she's great with her little brother. We're very close and have always encouraged her to be part of the family. She can't remember a time when dh and I weren't together so there have never been any issues or problems between us.

We've never made the distinction between full/ half siblings between her and ds (5) and always wanted her to feel fully involved. So for example she was the first one I told I was pregnant on both occasions. She came to see her new baby brother the day I came out of hospital for a couple of hours etc. and we've been very careful to ensure she knows she's part of the family.

She has stated that when my second arrives in November she wants to come and stay to help out with ds so he doesn't feel left out etc. She's very excited and her intentions are so good and genuine. I love her to bits for it.

However, I know how I'll feel for a day or two following birth - exhausted, emotional, sore etc. I would fully want and expect her to come and meet her new sibling immediately for a few hours and will definitely encourage it. But it sounds like she wants to be around much more than that in the early days, stopping over etc. and I can't work out how I should approach it. The last thing I want to do is make her feel she's not part of it. However, she doesn't live with us and rarely stays the night any more (her social life is too hectic!) and I am aware that those first days are about finding a routine and trying to settle into normality with all those who live in the household and will be effected on a day to day basis by the change.

I'm someone who likes a bit of quietness to recharge my batteries even in normal situations. I often take myself off for half an hour when we have a house full so I can hear myself think. I love people but need alone time too.

I think I literally just wanted a couple of days to get over the birth, feel a bit more normal and begin to find a routine with feeding etc before she comes to stay for a while but I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable. I have no problem with her meeting her sibling for a couple of hours the day I come out of hospital and I know that dh will be great in terms of getting on and doing things around the house etc. I'm not worried about having to cook, clean etc but it would be a disruption to our normal living arrangements at a time when the family dynamics are changing again and we need to find a new 'normal'.

I mentioned my reservations to dh last night and he understood in one way, but quite rightly was disappointed and also wants her involved and would feel we're excluding her so is uncomfortable asking her for a little space. I feel like a complete bitch for feeling this way and just can't decide whether I need to suck it up, get on with it and tell her she can stay for as long as she likes or whether it's natural to feel like this. I want to see my parents too, but wouldn't want them staying for days. I really don't want to ruin the relationship we have with her so am erring toward telling her she can stay and just dealing with it however I can. It doesn't help that it'll be winter and our choices for getting out and about will be limited so we'll all be tripping over each other in the house.

Has anyone else been in the same situation? What did you do? Any advice? Could do without flaming though please, I feel bad enough as it is. I'm looking for advice rather than being told I'm being hypocritical or unfair.

Yes I have. I have a newborn and additional children I just get on with it.

Another one whole heartedly agreeing with LeeLeander. I can sort of see where you're coming from, but are you willing to pay the price of upsetting DSD? Seems too high for me. It would take months, if not years, to recover your relationship from this. You gave obviously done so well with merging the families to date, I really wouldn't do anything to compromise that for the sake of a few days.

Good for you.

I said I wasn't after shitty accusations but advice. I've tried to take on board the advice I've received.

She's still fairly young 16 not quite an adult. Look from her perspective. Her DF has started another family with someone else. She has established a loving relationship with her DB and looking forward to a new arrival and wanting to help out where she can so she offers to help with the older child give you a break take him out so you can sleep. Imagine the rejection if you say you come for a few hours but you'll have to leave and go home. I think that's fantastic of her to help. I have a toddler and newborn, i would love a break to catch up on some much needed sleep when the baby slept unfortunately I'm busy catering to a demanding 2 year old which needs watching like a hawk.

Trivliv gave you the best advice. Your DSD in this situation is an asset, an absolute Godsend. She has been your DS. She knows what it's like suddenly not to be an only child and having to share her dad. She can dote on her brother, watch Incredibles or whatnot with him (it's on Netflix now btw), make you and you can chill. What's not to like?

I agree with Helena - if it's a plethora of people you are worried about, then exclude some or all of whatever other visitors you expect to show up. Just make them wait. Don't exclude your partner's child and your newborn's sibling as inconvenient or disruptive especially if you are going to let non-immediate-family visit at will.

It need only be as hectic as you allow. You don't even have to tell anyone the baby is born until it's convenient for you, let alone let them visit. I would hope you would treat your step-daughter the same as you treat your existing bio-child in the matter of being around for a sibling's homecoming.

If you're worried about entertaining visitors, might it actually be easier if she's staying for a few days? Then she'll have her own room where she's based and can spend time if she wants, and you won't feel under any obligation to be spending every minute she's around in her company.

Thing is, while she's not your child, she is your DP's child, so is still a part of your family given you have chosen to start a family with your DP.

Imagine if your DP said that your DS should be sent away for the first night so that he and the baby can bond? You wouldn't want that would you?

Also look at it this way, given the good relationship you already have with her, I imagine that if she said she didn't want to be involved/come and see the baby you would probably be hurt?

This isn't a toddler who is going to get in the way, she's sixteen, and hardly needs looking after on the same scale as a younger child.

I don't really understand if I'm honest, you're not asking your other child not to not be there for the first few weeks so why would it be any different for your stepchild? Have you maybe thought about it from your partners point of view? He would probably love to have his entire family all together to bond. The way you worded it is that she is going to be getting your son out from under your hair rather than take over with the baby, maybe she is planning on taking him the park and things in the day so you don't have to worry about him?

Also, In my opinion, the only people who should be visiting the first few days are the grandparents, everyone else can wait, especially if a busy house is what determines if your stepdaughter is allowed to stay

First few days sorry not weeks

Similar situation as in our youngest was born and then my stepdaughter went to her mums for the night as planned; however my SD then wanted to come back to ours to be with baby. I partly wanted her to stay put with her mum, but in the end I said yes because I realised that it wasn't just about me, (I'm not saying you're selfish, don't worry) but its about being a family. I would say yes but then if she becomes problematic or gets under your feet too much, that is the time to raise it with her. Try it first if I were you. Good luck!

I think it's a strange thing to be worried about. I think you shouldn't be fretting about this especially as it's so far in the future. I think it would be unkind to be setting up rules for her. It would surely make her think you don't want her there - which is, in effect, what you want.

You talk about quietness and 'alone time' - surely if you manage that with a 5 year old then you can manage it with a 16 year old.

It really isn't the same as having your parents stay. I'm not surprised your DH is disappointed. I think it would be nice for your son to have his sister there too.

I reckon having a loving big sister to look after your 5 year old will be an absolute godsend. And that's what she says she wants to do.

I do get what your saying op however if it was me I'd let her come stay . If she decides to come and live with you or she was your dd she would be there anyway

I'd shun all other visitors for a couple of days tbh then it's just you guys as a family I think she sounds fab and quite mature and will prob entertain ds for you anyway

I was the stepchild in a very similar set up to your DSD, it may not cause a fall out and she may say 'oh that's fine I'll just go on the bus so my dad and his new family can have time to be a family' but inside trust me it really hurts. (Many many years later it still hurts)
You would not send your child away, so you cannot send your partners child away.
It is hard after you have a baby, but she is your family now and she has as much right to be in your house as that baby does.
I know it's hard being pregnant and the days after the birth are hectic but at 16 she will be helpful.
The fact that she has asked to be there means that she wants to be a part of the family completely as the new child arrives, don't make her resent it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

I remember this happening to my younger sister when our half brother and sister were babies, my sister was 15 or 16, I was away at university. She was very, very upset. And so was I on her behalf. She felt excluded from the 'new' family and very hurt.

This girl is not just your step-daughter, she's your husband's daughter and your baby's sister. If you want to make those relationships work, don't limit the times she can come over. I'm not bashing step-parents here, I have good relationships with both of mine and as a parent now I can appreciate how hard it is. But it is much, much harder to be a child or teenager who feels rejected by their family.

X post Dilemma

No wonder littlelion has gone for a while. I am pretty shocked at how low down a SM is still viewed in a step family dynamic. The woman is having a baby and yet, still, the DSDs needs are considered paramount even in the first few days of the mother and babies life. I mean, really?!!!

Bonding happens over months and years. A baby is not a pet or a puppy, of course it is exciting the first few days, as a sibling, but the real relationships are over a long time. And real relationships consider others needs, yes EVEN a SM! So if she is saying, of course it would be wonderful to have you this time, that time etc. But, shock, horror, not EVERY time, because of very reasonable and valid reasons, then that is a real relationship. My own son had to stay at his mother in laws for two days, as I physically couldn't get him out of bed and ferry him to school and back. In no way did he feel excluded from his brothers first days.

I have also got half siblings. When I was a teenager my step mum used me to babysit a lot, and I stayed for a week when my half brother was born in her house. But we have NO relationship, because just being in a house for a week when a baby is born is not crucial, will not affect things for life. Every day effort, trust and honesty and this SM always being open to her DSD are FAR more important. Believe me, I know!

And some of us are pretty shocked at the notion that the birthing mother's claim that her preferences reign supreme and that no one else's emotions, rights or needs are important.

She's having a baby with all of the support of western civilization including social, medical and familial, she's not mapping antarctica or curing cancer. Surely she can muster some thought and energy for her ENTIRE family's needs. Or, if she is going to send the stepdaughter away, she should be fair and send her bio-child away as well.

bananas speaking for myself, I don't think there is any kind of hierarchy on which a SM is "low down" - a family isn't about a pecking order, it's about rubbing along, trying to meet everyone's needs and compromising where they conflict. And making the children of the family feel secure, safe and loved is the absolute priority - so when you say "the woman is having a baby, but the DSD's are considered paramount" - in this sense, yes they are. She shouldn't be excluded from the house, but when she's there, she should be expected to compromise by e.g. being quiet when mum and baby are napping, helping with cooking / playing with her brother etc. Just exactly what would happen if she was the daughter, not the step daughter. When you have a second (or third, or fourth...) child, don't most parents bend over backwards to try and make sure the older children don't feel excluded or neglected? It's no different for stepchildren.

This is where the idea of blended families really starts to be strained. No matter how much we would like to sweep it under the carpet you're never going to feel the same about someone else's child as you do about your own. You can debate that till the cows come home but it's true.

For the OP perhaps having DSD there would be like having her MIL there, nice but there will still be an awkwardness when you're semi dressed, sore, stressed and the house is a tip.

Yes she's your DHs child but it's your body and hormones going through this so yes I think that giving you space to spend some time with your newborn isn't unreasonable.

Every situation is different and you must do what is right for yours.

Whatever you do as a SM will be wrong for someone (that includes yourself!).

I'll not labour the point (excuse the pun... )

But in this case, was I an awful mother for sending my son away for two days to his mother in laws - when I came home from hospital after the birth? Did that spoil forever my son's ability to bond with his sibling? Did that make him feel excluded?

No, of course not, he's very close, he completely understood and was extremely proud.

It's interesting that there is an argument against the SM being a 'birth mother' - and how dare she put her needs forward in anyway and ask for a compromise - that is ironic on the step parent discussion board!

The situation of biological children in a together family is not the same as a step child in that same family. Do you not see that ? Why are you ignoring the posters who have been in this situation and who have said how much it hurt them? Are you suggesting they are lying? Or that their experiences don't matter?

snoring I am absolutely sure it's true that you don't feel the same about stepchildren as your own children, I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that. I can't speak from experience on that, I'm a mum, a stepchild, a sibling, a half sibling and a step sibling, but not a step mum. With the MiL comparison you're probably right about how it feels for the stepmum, and I'd be the first to agree with chucking out interfering inlaws

But a step child is different to a MIL, sorry - it's their family just as much as it is the stepmum's, and I do think a child's feelings take priority in this situation. I'm assuming that the child is generally ok with the stepmum and there's a good relationship there, which the OP says there is. If the stepchild and stepmum had a difficult or unpleasant relationship, that's trickier.

bananas I'm glad your son wasn't upset by going to your inlaws, but don't you think he might have been upset if he had a brother or sister who stayed at home, when he didn't?

OP by the way, I want to say that I'm not trying to get at you at all, or suggest you're unreasonable for wanting a bit of space, I'm just putting forward my experience and thoughts. I have never posted on this board before but your OP just flagged up something important to me. I hope that you are able to sort out arrangements that work for you and your family.

If she lived with her dad rather than her mum, she would be there.I don't think you can exclude her of the immediate family.
You are not 'getting into a routine' with a 48-hour old baby!