This is long - too long - so sorry .....
My DH and I married quietly and discreetly 6 weeks ago (lovely lovely day). We had been together a year. His ex (they never married) left him five years ago, taking the children for no other reason than she was bored and thought DH was boring and she could do better. I was his first 'real deal' since their split, and she did all she could to split us up, including turning the kids (18, 16 and 13) against me because whilst she didn't want their dad for herself, she certainly didn't want anyone else having him and him experiencing happiness as a result. She has lied and cheated and stolen her way through his money and claimed benefits whilst working and sitting on £100k 'hidden away' (she is currently under investigation for fraud). She spends the not inconsiderable maintenance sums we pay her on herself yet DSD aged 13 is walking round this week in school shoes with holes in them.
The eldest (DSS) now at Uni was a horror last year to both DH and myself, but the move away from Mum, and his first proper girlfriend (who we adore as does he!) have softened him considerably and he has matured and become a well rounded young man. We don't talk to him about his mother (she's made it clear he isn't much use to her now hes 18 and she no longer gets maintenance for him or child tax credits) and she has made it clear that his 'g/f isnt welcome because she is non-white Jamaican. We don't have the room (housewise) to have them live with us, but they do come and stay and we enjoy their company very much. A massive change from last y ear when the three of us couldn't be under the same roof!
So, we both know things can and will change for the better.
However, my two DSD are 17 and 13. Both live with Mum apart from one evening and one Sunday a week when they are with us. We have had issues with stealing from Dad's b ank account (using his debit card unbeknownst to us), letting Mum into the house when we were out (and her taking our financial documents and post) and general lying. The youngest DSD has a relatively sunny disposition and is generally pleasant and polite. The 17 year old is not. she is grossly overweight, terrible acne, plasters herself in make up 7 days a week, and is becoming less and less communicative. Conversations are only initiated when she wants something. We treat them all equally with birthday and Xmas monies and small monetary rewards for good grades. We do some lifts (although the mother made it clear she didn't want me to running them places) and we pay their mobile phone contracts (£40 a month each) until they are 18. They have small jobs, but don't save.
Two weeks ago, they damaged one of our wedding presents, when they were both fooling around in our en suite. They denied it. They regularly stain the carpet and furniture with make up, pens and drinks. They come to ours and plonk themselves on the sofa and never move for 8-9 hours until they are called for lunch or tea. We have tried encouraging them with walks, a shopping trip out or the like, but they aren't interested. Instead they ask when we are going to take them on holiday - having become resentful of the fact we had a three day honeymoon in Llandudno, and a few nights away at my Dad's!
We explain fairly and gently the money situation (we are both self employed, running our own business and money is tight) and that we are downsizing to a much smaller but owned home soon now that funds are released to buy. Mum has a larger home of her own, bought through DH's generosity and the money she 'saved' whilst claiming benefits. She has a well to do boyfriend who takes her out and about and wealthy parents who have helped her financially all her life.
The eldest DSD is soon to turn 17. The deal was we would match what she had saved through her Saturday job and Christmas and birthday monies to buy her a car, pay for lessons and insurance. She has £24 in her bank account. She has spent all her money on make up, clothes, chocolate, going out with her friends, pop concerts, festivals and now - it transpires diet pills. She told us last weekend that she wouldn't take them if we bought her a gym membership. We said no - as past experience has shown she won't get up off her bottom to use it - she abhors exercise and walking anywhere. She wants us to buy her brothers car off him, to give to her, to learn to drive. but that wasn't the deal. We have suggested, gently and with kindness, that to help the weight loss, we will pay for a professional counsellor (there are some long standing issues with self esteem and not opening up that are underpinning her problems) but she said she doesn't need any help from a counsellor. She refuses to weigh herself, wont tell us what she does or doesnt eat, but every Sunday like clockwork - a whole pack of chocolate biscuits is taken from the cupboard and eaten on the sofa with fizzy drinks. The diet pills are sanctioned by her mother - bought online for £25 from some unknown web site.
She is polite to me because she knows I will brook no nonsense. But to her father, in front of me, she is rude, disparaging, disrespectful and sharp. In the past, I brokered a peace between them, but feel now its got to the point where words must be said. As they are only in our house a few hours a week, I feel there is a very limited amount I can say or do. DH feels that they are almost strangers, having been turned by their mother into little clones of herself. I don't feel ready to give up yet, but I'm really struggling for ideas as to how we can improve relations. Whilst DSS turned a corner when he left to go to uni - that is looking unlikely with eldest DSD and certainly, as long as youngest DSD continues to come for the twice weekly 'contact visits', eldest DSD will too, even past age 18 - if only on mother's orders!
Advice please? Thank you!!